You're an Idiot, Sirius Black

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Ch. 8 Fate's Good Side

I needed to get away.

The realization that a war was going on --- a real war that affected everyone, not simply those individuals taking an active role --- terrified me.

Three bodies found. Five more missing. Eight innocent people who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Um, Amanda, are you going to pack up?"

I had come so close to death. So close to adding to that body count. So close. If Sirius had been a little further down the street . . .

"Er, Amanda?"

Sirius. That night in Hogsmeade, after fighting for our lives, something changed. We had come to an unspoken, mutual understanding of sorts. We were respectful of one another; mainly he didn't bother me and I was not outright hostile. Some might say that was terrible closure, but it worked for us. Ok, no it didn't. I was still so confused about the boy. I did not want to be his friend again, that was for sure. He had hurt me. We had hurt each other. He was cocky and spoke before he thought and an absolute idiot . . . and sweet and caring and literally a life saver. Ugh, he made it so bloody hard to hate him!

"Amanda!"

I jumped, startled, and looked up from where I had been aimlessly doodling on a scrap piece of parchment to Remus Lupin, hovering over me with a concerned frown on his rather peaky face.

"Yes?" I asked, voice cracking slightly.

He gave me a strange look. "Class is over."

I furrowed my brow and glanced around the room, convinced there must have been a mistake. The class was practically empty, except for the few stragglers hurriedly packing up, Remus, and me. Huh. Would you look at that.

Blinking, I hastily shoved my things into my book bag.

"Are you feeling well?" he continued. "You've been oddly . . . distant lately."

My eyes widened a fraction. So others had noticed?

"Oh, I'm fine, really," I quickly assured. "I've, er, just had a lot on my mind as of late." Attempting to redirect the conversation from my odd behavior, I added, "What about you? You don't look so great."

It was true. His skin was pale and a bit sickly and there were dark bags beneath his tired eyes.

He shook his head and smiled. "Oh, don't worry about me; I'm fine." I gave him a skeptical look and his grin broadened. "Really. I'm in as good of health as I'll ever be."

I shrugged and stood, slinging the pack over my shoulder. "If you're sure. I'll see you around then."

"Bye," Remus said softly to my back.

Walking into the corridor, a tiny bubble of worry expanded in my stomach. I did not think anyone would notice the subtle change in my persona, for it truly was not a great one. I was retreating into myself, yes, but only the slightest bit, only enough to feel safe and protected from the outside world.

Coward, I silently berated myself solemnly. Poltroon.

"Mandy!" Alice cried, hopping over and saving me from further craven self-pity. Marlene was not far behind her. "Lil and Mare already went to Muggle Studies. What took you so long?"

"Didn't hear the bell ring," I muttered, blushing at the silliness of that statement. Marlene raised an eyebrow, but questioned no more as we made our way down the corridor.

Alice and Marlene chatted casually about everything from Quidditch to shoe fungus and every once in a while I would throw in my opinion for the sake of not seeming like a complete introvert to the outside eye. After ten minutes or so of lazy strolling, I figured I could risk sneaking off to the library without arousing suspicion, for I had been doing so quite often over the past couple weeks.

I opened my mouth to mutter a hurried goodbye, but lost my train of thought when Marlene suddenly called out with an evil grin to a small group of sixth year boys, "Harold! Oi, Skively!" A curly haired boy glanced up at us, eyes widening. "I had fun last night." He blushed furiously before continuing talking with his friends frantically.

Marlene cackled at his reaction.

"What did you do to that poor child?" I asked as we passed the group.

She shrugged. "Naïve purity is quite the turn on for me. And the innocents are so fun to toy with." Plastering a smirk on her face, she deviously added, "Not that he's innocent any more."

"Ew," I muttered as Alice, voice lowered conspiratorially, asked, "So it's true then? I heard in the loo that you were trying to shag every of age male before graduation."

Marlene arched an eyebrow. "Please, Alice. I thought better of you than to listen to such petty rumors. Every boy would be far too easy; it's my plan to shag the girls, too."

Alice and I collapsed into hysteric giggles at the mental image of Marlene jumping an innocuous little girl.

By the time we were sober again, Gryffindor tower was within reach and I honestly did not feel desire to reside there should the topic of the war be brought up, which was not only plausible but probable. In the state the magical world was currently being plunged into, what more was there to talk about?

"Well, I'm going to the library," I said, backing away from the portrait whole. "See you next class!"

Alice frowned. "Again? All you've been doing is going to the library!"

"Well, you know," I grinned nervously. "N.E. and all . . . You can never be too prepared!"

Waving jauntily, I turned on my heel and took off running until I rounded a corner and was out of sight, opting to continue the journey at a brisk walk. When I arrived at the library, I immediately strolled down my isle and sat, settling against the wall and burying my head in my hands, pent up emotions momentarily causing me a head ache.

I knew I was a coward. I knew others knew it, too. I could see it in the faces of Remus and James every time I shied away from Sirius in potions. I could see it in the face of Sirius whenever he made an earnest attempt to be friendly and I was rather cool. I could feel it in my heart whenever I ran off to the familiar library, afraid of what the unknown might bring. I was despicable.

And yet, I did not think so lowly of myself as to try and change my newly acquired ways. They kept me safe, in control, gave me a feeling of stability, which I had lacked for quite some time now. But I desperately needed it. The world was changing. Time was flying. Life was moving, and quickly, too. Sometimes I felt it was all happening too fast, that I needed to catch my breath.

"Here again?"

I nearly screamed as the voice invaded my thoughts, but managed to hold it in, settling on a startled jump. Looking up, I saw my surprise visitor leaning apathetically against a book shelf at the mouth of the isle, arms crossed. I was on my feet, wand drawn, in an instant.

Regulus Black's thin eyebrow arched. "Do you plan on fighting me, Johnston? Because, if so, I must assure you that I will win." He eyed my wand wearily. "So please, lower the stick."

So that he could yet again stealthily steal it from me by means unknown? Ha! I learn from my mistakes, thank you very much!

"What are you doing here?" I hissed, cautiously inching forward as to avoid being cornered by him.

"What, a student can't visit the library nowadays?"

"No, I mean what are you doing here? No one comes to these isles unless they want to conduct a very private conversation." I surveyed him through scathing eyes. "Or, of course, if they plan on torturing innocent students."

He grinned as I glared. "Ah, still some hard feelings over that little fiasco?"

I gaped at him. Was he serious? "You lot stole my things, insulted my family, and unabashedly discussed torturing me. What were you expecting me to do, greet you like an old chum?"

He smirked, but otherwise ignored my remark. "I came to simply quench my thirst for new knowledge. I'm not familiar with . . ." he stealthily glanced at a book on the shelf and my eyebrows rose at his obvious ignorance to this part of the library, "the works of Diabetes."

The works of diabetes? Was he under the impression that the disease was actually some kind of philosopher?

Playing on this idea, I asked, "You're not familiar with the Diabetes? Have you paid attention in History of Magic at all?"

A flash of anger flickered in his eyes and it was not until this brief display of negative emotion did I notice how very different the Black's demeanor was than when I had last encountered him. Then, his eyes had contained a burning hatred, so intense and irrational I feared for myself. Presently, however, they were nearly . . . cordial. Amiable. Good-natured. Though there was an air of concentration and determination in them, too, as if it took all his effort to appear friendly.

Confused as to why this might be, I slowly lowered my wand, though remained tense, unwilling to lower my guard should he be secretly plotting to draw me in with his pleasant eyes before sicking his evil Slytherin friends on me when I least expected it.

He smiled at the gesture and, as if invited, strolled forward.

"I'm Regulus Black," he said, holding out his hand. "I don't believe we've ever properly met, though I suppose that's understandable as I'm a year below you and in Slytherin." He laughed jovially. I stared at his hand. What did he expect me to do with it?

After a moment of silence, he chuckled again, rather nervously this time. "Go on; I'm not contagious."

I chewed on my lip and fiddled with the end of my ponytail, debating whether I should be polite to the fiend or not. At last I shook his hand briefly, muttering a curt "Amanda Johnston," before retracting quickly. My mother would be so proud.

He chuckled again and took a random book from the shelf, leafing through the yellowed pages. "You're here quite a bit, aren't you?"

I merely shrugged stiffly. "I suppose."

He glanced up, a knowing smirk pulling at the corners of his mouth. "Still mad," he stated.

I blinked. This was really weird. I talked to the boy once when I was six (if you could even call what we did 'talking'), met up with him for the second time a mere two weeks ago where he looked at me with utter loathing in his eyes as his mate's discussed my torture, and now he waltzed on over and acted like we were the best of pals who had simply gotten into a minor spat.

Does anyone else feel like they're missing something?

"Are you --- am I --- What's going on?" I stammered.

He furrowed his brow. "What do you mean?"

"I mean . . . why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"I dunno . . . talking to me, reading a book about Muggle diseases, this!"

"What are you talking about?"

"I . . ." my voice faltered. I was not quite sure at the moment.

"Are you feeling alright, Amanda? Maybe you should go to the infirmary."

"I don't need the bloody infirmary!" I burst. Then again, my head hurt and I felt rather dazed. "I just want to know why you're doing this!"

"Doing what?"

I opened my mouth, but closed it again when no words were found. "Are you trying to make me feel stupid?" I managed.

The corner of his lips twitched. "Now, why would I try a thing like that?" Not waiting for an answer, he tucked the book under his arm and began to exit the isle. "Well, I must be going! Nice talking to you." He threw one last charming wink and a smile over his shoulder and was gone.

What just happened?

I hesitated a moment before sinking back to the floor, rather confused as I replayed the event in my mind. Regulus Black --- a sixth year, Slytherin, Pure-blood elitist --- introduced himself and attempted to engage me --- a seventh year, Gryffindor, Muggle-born --- in conversation. Was nothing in this world right?

Maybe it's just a Black thing. You experience one traumatizing event with them and they suddenly think they're forgiven for whatever crime they've committed.

Huffing, I decided to simply block out the strange occurrence with some good ol' hard work. By the time I had finished innumerable pages of intricate notes and, pleased, decided to retire my research for the day, thoughts of how Blacks must secretly scheme to confuse and infuriate me on a daily basis were the farthest from my mind.

OoooooooooooO

I was sitting in a corner of the common room, watching a couple kissing rather intimately on the sofa. Oh, how I revel in young love.

Ok, so I was supposed to be writing my Defense essay that Professor Meadowes had so rudely assigned. Mary and Alice (Lily excused herself early from dinner and we now had no idea where she might be and Marlene was off on a 'meeting' with some boy) worked studiously nearby, pictures of the perfect students. But let me tell you, it is hard to concentrate on something as trivial as the different forms of shield spells when the most interesting noises are being emitted so close by.

I was not procrastinating, mind you. Simply . . . educating myself on the incredible flexibility range of different humans. Really, I would never be able to forge my body into that position!

Suddenly the portrait hole opened and I raised my eyes to see Lily scrambling through it. Alice, Mary, and I immediately rushed to her upon seeing her rather puffy eyes and menacing expression.

"He's such a git!" she cried, as she stormed up to the girl's dorms and we clumsily followed. "They both are."

"Who?" Alice asked, though I doubted she did not know. Only two boys had the ability to send Lily into this state.

"Potter --- he was being sort of --- sort of nice," Lily said, ignoring the question and collapsing onto her bed. "And --- and then he saw us talking and they got into this fight and ---ugh, I hate them! I hate them both!" She buried her face in a pillow and her body shook from tears.

Mary rubbed soothing circles onto her back as Alice and I exchanged sympathetic glances. All four of us knew her words were only uttered in anger and sadness. Lily could never hate Snape and she was far too kind a person to truly hate James, no matter how many times she professed otherwise.

"I wish I could fix it," I found myself whispering. "I really wish I could help you." But I couldn't do anything more than be a shoulder to cry on. Heartbreak hurt. I knew. And the only person who had the power to completely heal a broken heart was the owner.

After quite some time, Lily's breathing and tears slowed and her body stilled. She sat up, wiping tears from her eyes and glancing blearily at her wristwatch. Her eyes widened before she groaned. "I have patrols with Potter in five minutes!"

An idea slowly began to bloom in my head. "Why don't we trade patrols? I'll take yours tonight and you can have mine, which are tomorrow night!"

Lily immediately began shaking her head. "Oh no, I couldn't possibly ask you to ---"

"Yes you could! Please? I really want to help. Besides," I added slyly, "my patrols tomorrow are with Casey Davies . . ."

She laughed weakly and engulfed me in a hug. "You're amazing, you know that, Amanda?"

I grinned, hugging her back, glad that for once I was not entirely helpless.

OoooooooooooO

When I ran down the stairs ten minutes later (I know what you're thinking and I was only five minutes late!), it was to find James standing awkwardly in the common room, hand ruffling his hair. He dejectedly dropped it when he saw me.

"Oh, it's you," he said.

I raised my eyebrows. "No need to sound so disappointed."

He chuckled and shook his head. "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I just . . . thought you were Evans. We have patrols tonight."

"Er, actually that's why I'm here. Lily's . . . not exactly fit for patrols at the moment. I'll be filling in." I laughed nervously.

James' face fell. "She's that angry, huh?"

"Er . . ." How was I supposed to respond?

He sighed, most likely taking that as confirmation, before clearing his throat bravely. "Well, should we get going then?" His spirit sure was admirable.

I nodded and followed him from the room.

We walked in silence for what may have been a few minutes or possibly a few hours, a heavy silence pressing down on us. When I felt I could take it no longer, James spoke.

"Does she . . . does she ever talk about me?"

My heart just about broke. "Um, yeah. Quite a bit actually."

He laughed bitterly, seeing through my hollow words. "Does she ever say anything good?"

I exhaled heavily. "Not that much, no."

"Yeah, I figured." We lapsed into another silence and, once again, he was the one to break it.

"Why doesn't she like me?" He was frustrated now, I could tell. "I mean, why is she so determined to hate me? I'm not a bad bloke, really, I'm not. I --- I do well in school and I'm a good friend, I know I am! Why can't she see that?"

I glanced up at him, startled at his outburst. What was I supposed to say? I had nothing against James. In fact, I rather liked him. But Lily was my best friend, though I knew she could be biased and opinionated. I did not want to hurt either of them.

Inhaling deeply, I decided I should try to be honest. James deserved that much. "Well . . . you can be kind of . . . cocky, I suppose."

He frowned. "But I'm honestly not! I just . . . like myself . . . a lot. I'm proud of who I am and, well, I don't care who knows it."

"Oh," I muttered, slightly stunned. "Wow. That's . . . like, the type of thing motivational speakers say."

"Well then maybe I should be one of those," he laughed and I smiled.

Sneaking a glance at him, I saw the way he was trying to be positive, but I could tell he was hurting inside. "You really like her, don't you?" I asked.

"More than you could ever know."

"Why?"

He blinked and looked down at me. "I . . . I've never been asked that before."

"Is it because she's the only girl who's ever rejected you? 'Cause I'm pretty sure that's what she thinks."

His eyes widened as he frantically shook his head. "Of course not!" I raised my eyebrows and he sobered. "Well . . . maybe that was why at first. But that was before I realized how bleeding incredible she is." He smiled fondly, thrusting his hands into his pockets and gazing off into the distance.

He was so love struck it was pathetic. I had to do something. Or at least try.

"Merlin, I hope Lily doesn't kill me for this . . ." I muttered and James looked at me in mild curiosity.

"Ok," I continued, business-like. "I'm going to try and help you with her. I can't promise anything. It might not work or it's possible the two of you just aren't meant to be. But what can I say; I'm a sucker for a good romance so I'll give you a bit of advi --- Aaagh!" I was in James' arms and he was spinning me around in the air. "Put me DOWN!" I screamed right as a wave of nausea overcame me. He laughed and set me on my feet, steadying me.

"I could kiss you right now," he stated.

"Unless you want a mouthful of vomit, I suggest you don't."

He grimaced and pulled me along so I could regain my bearings. After a moment of him waiting impatiently, he prodded, "Advice?"

I nodded, blinking away my dizziness. "Lily's . . . an incredible person, but ---"

"I know that already!"

"But she doesn't give her full trust away very easily. She's had it betrayed far too much to do that. And, well, you haven't exactly done a lot to earn it." He opened his mouth to protest but I cut across him. "I think you're an all right bloke, James. And I know you think you're an all right bloke. But look at it from Lily's point of view. For five years you ruthlessly bullied her best friend. Don't deny it, it's true! And you still do, even though you know it hurts her."

He closed his mouth with a "humph," eyes sad. "So you think if I quit hexing Snivellus around her, she might give me a chance?"

I had to respect his casual input of the phrase, "around her."

"She might. If you also stopped acting a bit so arrogant. I mean, er, confident."

He grinned. "Tone down the confidence a notch. Check."

Chewing on my lip, I added, "Maybe, for the time being, you should also stop giving her so much attention. Don't ignore her, no! Just stop asking her out, maybe. Don't smother her as much. Try . . . try to be her friend."

We had gradually come to a halt by the end of my little speech and were now standing still, staring into each other's eyes.

"Just remember, James." I said, lightly touching his elbow. "It may not work. Her feelings may not change. And if they do . . . well, it's going to take a while."

A soft smile alit his face as he looked at me. "You know, I never really understood why Sirius was so torn up when you guys ended your friendship. Now I know. You're a pretty great girl, Johnston." Turning, he continued his long stride down the corridor. "Want some of my advice now? Give him another chance."

For a moment I stood stock still, shocked by his forthright words before remembering myself and scurrying to catch up with him, one thought in mind.

Sirius had been given "another chance" one too many times. I was not about to hurt myself by allowing him one more.

But then again, I never had been on Fate's good side.

OoooooooooooO

A/N: How was that for updating soon?

Haha, anyway I hope this chapter did not confuse you too much. I promise it will all make sense in the end!

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