Warning: Sexual content.
Chapter Ten
Desires of the Heart
Hannah's POV
Erik road into camp just as I began stirring the batter for pancakes and Nicole has poured him a cup of coffee. She has become so attached to Erik I don't know what will happen if we are forced to leave here. I can see from the lines on his forehead he is in deep thought. I forget what I am doing when he lifts his head up and trains those hypnotic eyes on me. At the last second I grip the bowl before it drops to the ground.
Watching Erik unsaddle Apparition is something to behold. A feast of rippling muscles is right before me. Lord what that man can do to me without trying must be a sin for I sure do have sinful thoughts.
Last night I heard Roland's voice I am sure of it. This morning though, there is no sign of him. I have no idea what was said between Erik and Roland but feel it has something to do with me. So many possibilities are stirring around inside my head it is hard to concentrate on the task at hand. As I move about preparing breakfast I can still feel Erik's gaze firmly fixed on me. What this means I am afraid to speculate. I know what I want it to mean but don't know if I am prepared to follow through with my inclinations should he approach me.
Breakfast is consumed quickly as the herd needs to be kept near the pens when we are ready to drive them in to make it easier for branding and checking for illness or wounds. The men leave one by one with only Erik remaining in camp. When he came in he unsaddled Apparition. The men tease him about mollycoddling that animal. Erik wards off their ridicule by stating his animal is worth every bit as much as all of their mounts put together and then some. It is true and each of those cowpokes would give all they owned to own such an animal.
He should be saddling up Apparition but so far he is just sitting with his back leaning against his saddle with his leg bent at the knee and his arm resting on that knee. It has not gone unnoticed by me that this places his manhood on prominent display. I doubt he knows this or the fact that his arousal is clearly displayed for anyone who cares to take notice. I appear to be the only one with such a desire to see Erik in this way. Countless times I have found myself staring from underneath my lashes at his strong thighs and follow them to the juncture where the seat of manly pleasures are found. God in his infinite wisdom created a matching place on a woman. At the moment that place is being set afire just imagining Erik nestled between my thighs. I will surely burn in hell for my thoughts but what a way to spend my last days on earth if this is my time to go. I am willing to chance that God did not give us such desires if he did not want us to explore them. Not everyone has the opportunity to marry. Does that mean they should never experience such carnal bliss? I for my own part think not. Of course I may be just trying to justify my own lecherous thoughts and desires toward Erik.
The men looked at Erik strangely. They may look and act as if they have little on their minds half the time but in truth most of them are quite intelligent and are able to read people well. Most of them never spent a day in a classroom other than the school of life. I have no idea about Erik's background but he does seem to be a man of learning and culture. Although he has yet to play the piano that arrived a few days ago I have heard him singing to the cattle and sometimes in his room before he comes downstairs. At times I think he is unaware he sings at all. Music I imagine is one of his hidden talents he has yet to share with us other than by accident. He does not sing on those occasions he comes to church with me and the children. I do feel it is not for a lack of will to do so but something else which holds him back. One day I hope to unlock all of Erik's secrets and will share all of mine with him although I have very little to share as my life has been mundane and without excitement. That is until the day Erik arrived and then I think life took on a different flavor. Every day seems to hold some unseen wonder I must discover. All my discoveries thus far have led me to Erik.
Surprisingly Erik does not head out with the men. He gives orders what he wants done and listens to suggestions. Erik's willingness to listen to the advice of those who work under him has always impressed me. Clayton lacked that quality. His competitive nature spurred by his jealousy of his brother would not let him admit his own failures until it had gone too far to save anything.
Washing the dishes does not alleviate the tension I feel building between Erik and I. His constant closeness as he brings stacks of dishes to me is driving me to distraction. I wish now I had not allowed Shorty to take Nicholas and Nicole to see the herd of wild horses grazing just over the hill. Likely they will beg to stay and watch for an hour or more. It was kind of Erik to allow him to do this when every hand should be out looking for strays and unbranded yearlings. Why Erik hasn't gone I can't even guess or perhaps I do know but prefer to not think about the reason. With only Erik and I in camp this silence is beginning to unnerve me. I feel a sense of expectation but for what I am not certain.
When he comes to within a few inches of me and asks suddenly, "Would you care to take a ride after the dishes are done? We will only go a short distance and can be back before you need to begin preparation for lunch."
Drying my hands after setting the last cup back in the side compartment of the wagon I hesitate turning to face him. My heart is pounding out some chaotic rhythm in my chest. My hands are perspiring so I rub them down over my apron. An urge to straighten my hair is nearly impossible to restrain. I know my face must be flushed from the heat of the water which is probably just as well as what is going through my mind right now would bring a blush to my face for sure. Imagining Erik astride Apparition racing across open range with only the wind for a companion is breathtaking in my imagination so in reality I daresay it will be superbly divine.
I can't stall any longer so I turn to face him. I am nearly struck speechless by the intensity of his gaze. Lord Almighty what that man is doing to me I know is a sin but one I am willing to explore and expand. When I do manage to speak it is not in a voice I recognize as being mine. Surely that dark sultry voice doesn't belong to me. "I would like to join you very much Erik."
That is all I can manage and it is enough for Erik turns to head toward the horses that have been tethered to a rope stretched between two posts. He chooses a gelding for me and naturally he will be riding Apparition. I offer to saddle my own mount but he only shakes his head. I have to admit he is quite fluid in his movements and completes the task in half the time it would have taken me. I had the added benefit of watching Erik's muscles move and bunch in his back and arms for the second time today. He was a man of some strength when he came but is even more so now. His arms are something to behold. It is very easy to fantasize about those strong arms holding me during the act of lovemaking and afterward. I dare not look Erik in the eye at the moment for surely my thoughts are written clearly on my face.
Even though I can mount on my own I allow Erik to encircle my waist and lift me up so I can place my foot in the stirrup. I would like nothing better than for Erik to continue to hold me but I force my leg over the saddle and set my foot in the other stirrup. Grasping the reins I give my mount a reassuring pat. Erik is poetry in motion as he mounts that majestic white beast. Both horse and rider look a little wild and ready to leave all restraints behind them. I do think Erik and Apparition enjoy those rides they take now and again out on the open range. If one wants to feel freedom all they need do is ride out and give their horse his head. Nothing can beat the wind rushing by as mile after mile is left behind along with worries and the world for as long as man and beast can keep up the pace.
Now that we are alongside one another I can't think of a single thing to say. He must think I am dull-witted. Half the time I am around him my tongue seems to become glued to the roof of my mouth. My words dry up around Erik. With almost everyone else I hold my own in a conversation. I am surprised when Erik suddenly brings Apparition to a standstill without any warning. I have to stop and turn around so I can rejoin him. He is looking at me with that intense look again. We are alone and there is nothing to distract either of us or save us from ourselves. Some part of me doesn't want to be saved. Without speaking Erik dismounts and tosses his reins across his saddle. Apparition will stay where he is.
Coming up alongside me and my horse Erik silently looks up at me for a moment before he raises his hands to grasp my waist. I allow him to lift me down. When I touch the ground I expect him to release me but he doesn't. I can feel his hands tightening around me while they are pulling me closer. My mouth opens in a gasp when I feel him pressed firmly against me. My whole body has come alive with sensation. Even as his head drops down to mine I know I want what will happen if he kisses me. It won't stop at just a kiss.
"Stop me now Hannah. For God's sake stop me now." Whether he means his words or not they are so much gibberish to me. I couldn't stop him if I wanted to or myself for that matter. I am like a drowning swimmer going under for the third time. If I go under this last time I will not come up again. I say let me drown in Erik's passion. Let us both drown and be reborn.
Who initiated the kiss is hard to say and it doesn't matter. Once our mouths touched with feather light brushes of our lips something unstoppable had been unleashed within us both. Erik pulled me with him to the ground without breaking the kiss. I am not experienced in kissing and feel Erik is no more so than I am. Perhaps it is the tentative way he first met my lips and now he doesn't seem to know what to do next just as I don't know. Falling to the ground Erik keeps his full weight from crushing me. I can feel and hear his harsh breaths.
Removing clothing is not as easy or romantic as it is in my fantasies or dreams. During those creations of my mind clothing melts away with ease. Erik has tried to pull my trousers off without removing my boots. I dare not laugh as I think he would take that as an insult to his manly prowess as a lover. Growling and cursing my boots he pulls them off then works to get the trousers down. I don't feel shy as he looks at me. It arouses me more than I could have imagined to have him see what no other person has seen other than my mother and myself.
Erik rips his shirt apart losing several buttons. He doesn't even bother to remove it before he is unbuckling his belt. My nerves are now beginning to show themselves. I have not seen any man without clothing, not even Clayton. When Erik's trousers come down past his hips I can only say my mouth must have dropped open wide enough for a train to pass through. Lord above how can I…how can any woman accept something so…so large into her body? I have heard there will be pain and now I can understand why. Along with fear came curiosity. I wanted to know what he felt like. Feeling Erik's stare fixed on me I became aware that I could feel the sun on parts of me that had always been covered unless I was bathing. He had a right to look his fill of me just as I had done of him. After a while I start to feel uncomfortable. I resist the urge to cover myself with my arms. I hope it is not unusual for a woman's bosoms to react as mine are to Erik's concentrated perusal. He is looking at me as if all of this were new to him. This cannot be as Erik exudes sexual appeal which will draw women to him without him needing to do or say anything and yet I sense his inexperience. Contradictory messages are flooding my lust fogged brain. Although his kiss had been tentative that could be because it was our first shared kiss.
He must have seen all he needed to see because with a drawn out groan he lowered himself down on top of me. Here I am completely unclothed with a man only halfway undressed about to do things to me I only ever imagined in dreams. Erik moves his hips against my nether region. I have to close my eyes as a wave so intense sweeps me away. A burning ache has started to spiral within me beginning where Erik's manhood rubs against a place that brings my hips up toward his. I want him to do it again and I am rewarded as he begins to move about at times hitting that special place and at others completely missing the mark. Realizing he is searching for the spot where women were made to receive a man's counterpart I spread my legs to accommodate him. This does not feel like what a man of experience would do. He continues to move about not able to find what he seeks. If I did not feel so incapable of doing anything correctly I would offer to help him but feel a man would not appreciate such a thing. Just when I am nearly driven crazy with Erik's hit and miss movements he plunges into me causing me such pain I feel as if I may pass out. When he groans and pulls back out I am relieved until I feel him moving downward again. I want to shout for him to stop but cannot as he enters me just as forcefully as he had the first time. This is not at all what I dreamed it would be. This is not the pleasurable pain I heard about. This is pure agony. What woman in her right mind would welcome this let alone want it to happen more than once?
The third time Erik enters me does not feel so painful. In fact I can feel those pleasurable tingles coming back. The more he rubs against me the higher I climb on the upward spiral. Now his movements are frenzied and I can feel something inside me tightening ready to spring forth with exquisite release. Just at this point I feel something filling me other than Erik's manliness. He is sweaty and grunting then slumps down onto me.
His breaths are coming in labored drafts that cool my skin on his exhales. I know this can't be the end and wait for him to do something, what I am not sure. I am pulsating with want and no way to satisfy what my body is craving. Right about now I would be happy to be one of those whores in town who would have no trouble letting Erik know just exactly what they wanted. I don't even have words to ask for such things let alone the courage to ask for anything so personal and intimate.
Erik drags himself off of me with a crude word I do not particularly care for. If I did not feel so frustrated and ready to scream I would reprimand him. He stands up leaving me down on the ground spread-eagled like one of those people the Indians stake out for torture on top of an anthill. With his back to me I can't see his face. He is speaking under his breath which may be a good thing. Now he is beginning to straighten his clothing. If I don't fix this now I feel that Erik will not be taking from me anything I want to give or finishing what he started in me. I don't know what I should say. What man wants to hear he left his lover wanting? As unbelievable as it sounds I have to conclude Erik is as unschooled in matters of intimacy as I am just as I suspected. The only reason I can think of for such a state of affairs is all the women he has met are selfish shallow beings.
"Erik I…" Angrily he turns toward me. His anger fades slowly as he sees me still prone in the grass just as he left me. If I am to gain what I want Erik needs to know I do not hold his lack of knowledge against him. I need not say I feel cheated. Going back over what happened and now knowing his chaste state it is a reasonable assumption that being this close to a woman with nothing between the two of us it must have been like lighting striking dried tender. The second the bolt of lightening is set against the dried wood it catches fire then begins to blaze and will burn out if not fueled with more wood. All I have to do is convince Erik to come to me again and let me stoke his fire and help him learn to stoke mine in a way that does not set him blazing out of control. I'll need to swallow any maidenly modesty I have in order to bluntly tell Erik what I want. I may not have the words to tell him but I do have the knowledge of what places garner the most pleasure when touched. This time around I want Erik to kiss my bosoms and touch more of me than what connected the two of us.
"I…I am sorry. I…it won't happen again. I…I know you must feel disgust for me but no more so than I feel for myself. If at all possible…if you would put this out of your mind I would be grateful."
Well that is not what I wanted to hear but his choked words find a tender spot in my heart so I cannot be angry. It isn't his fault no more than it was my fault I could not love Clayton or convince him to give our marriage a chance. Most things in life have to be learned and get easier and better with practice. Would not intimacy be something that would require much practice? I have already felt a little of what is to come and with patience and a willingness to be bold, we will both come away with something. I get something I want and Erik will get something I feel he needs desperately, confidence in his desirability. I do not think all of this is because of what just happened. Erik's face might have more to do with his anger than any failure to make love properly. Put together it could be devastating for anyone.
Reaching up with my hand I make a simple request yet it probably appears as if I have requested he complete some unobtainable feat. "Erik, come to me."
Disbelief clouds the green eyes I love so much. I continue to hold my hand out to him. Unless he turns away I will hold it in this position until either time ends or my arm falls off. Lucky for me I am not put to the test as Erik comes down beside me. He doesn't touch me or even look at me. Lying down on his back he keeps his gaze on the blue sky above. He may have his attention elsewhere for now but I do believe I know how to bring him to look at me.
Rolling over I rise up so I am hovering over Erik just as he hovered over me earlier. Daringly I place my hands on either side of his face. Predictably he stiffens and looks at me with mistrust. I know he is thinking of his mask. He doesn't like for anyone to ask about it and I am sure he doesn't like for anyone to touch it.
"Erik I am not disgusted by you. How could I be? I think you are a wonderful man. Nothing you did has changed my opinion. This isn't easy so please bear with me. No one is born with the knowledge how to do anything. We muck about our daily lives slowly wending our way through the maze God placed us in. We search daily for the correct avenues that unlock the mysteries of life. Sometimes we find just what we need and at other times we hit a dead end. Do we quite? No, we pick up and begin again. Through trial and error we eventually figure things out. Intimacy is not any different. We must learn what to do together. I will learn what gives you the most pleasure and you will learn what pleases me."
"After what I did earlier you would have me do it again?" There is amazement in his voice but also a bit of eagerness. To prove I meant what I said I lean down and begin to kiss him. I am not in any sense of the word a Goddess of love. Experimentation is what will bring us to where we want to be so in the spirit of helping with scientific research I relax my mouth and open my lips slightly. Slipping my tongue out I taste Erik's lips in a different way than merely pressing my mouth to his. A sound like a hum comes from Erik. I assume he likes this. I am sure of it when his tongue touches mine.
My hands have a mind of their own as they begin to run over the plains of Erik's chest. There is a fine coating of hair that prickles pleasantly against the palm of my hand. His skin is so warm. He is a contrast of soft and hard, smooth and rough. This is the first time the sun has warmed my backside and it gives me a feeling of brazenness to know I have not one thing on to cover what the Good Lord gave me and all of Erik's own heavenly gifts can be just as free as mine. I am not concerned about seeing underneath his mask. What I can see and feel already is plenty good enough for me. Hours could pass and I would not have enough time to explore him as I want.
So that I might see more of him I rise up to prepare to remove his boots and trousers. This time there will be nothing between us to impede our movements or our exploration of one another. Erik protests my moving by grasping my upper arms. His eyes snap open and I see that he is in fear that I will leave him in this aroused state. I could tell him that a woman can be just as aroused as a man is but there is not such a prominent testament to that as there is on a man. A woman's arousal signs are more subtle. At the moment I feel one move in just the right way and I would go off like a firecracker on the Fourth of July.
"I am not going anywhere. I only want to remove your boots and trousers so that I may see all of you just as you have seen all of me." Oh my. That hungry look I have seen before is back, more intense and looking less under control. Once on my feet Erik puts his hands behind his head with a wide grin on his face. Well at least one of us is relaxed. To remove his boots I will be straddling one leg at a time with my bared backside openly on display. I am worried their might be more of me back there than is good for me or more than Erik will like. Well those boots and trousers won't come off by themselves. If this is to progress I will need to simply shut out any image of what he might be looking at. I turn my back to him before I can change my mind. If Erik would put his foot on my backside and push this task would be so much easier but being a gentleman I know he won't do that in case he marks my skin or hurts me.
His trousers are much easier to remove. By now Erik is breathing like a winded stud after just having mounted his mare. The hard shaft of his maleness standing up and looking overly large to me is proof he is all too ready to do what needs to be done. I can see the bunching of Erik's muscles as he must be gripping his hands into fists. Some powerful emotions I feel are taking hold of him. Earlier he had drove into me quite forcefully giving me a glimmer of what may happen to me if I should reach such a plateau. With Erik now bared before me I can see that he is a well built man. His muscles are well defined without being overly developed as in some circus strongman. When he lifted me I could feel the power in his arms.
Tentatively I touch his legs with my hands. He stiffens but doesn't say anything. His eyes are closed and his arms are still up with his hands behind his head but I don't think he is so relaxed now. Hair from his legs prickles my palms as I work my way up the trunklike legs beneath my hands. He has very long well muscled legs. I have noticed many times how his legs have gripped the sides of Apparition and that image has set off countless fantasies for me.
I don't want the grass to leave marks on my legs should Erik desire taking a look at me later so I stretch out over Erik. A sound rumbles from his chest bringing my flesh to prickly bumps of excitement. Trying to remember just what Erik had done earlier I straddle his hips and look on his hard flesh with trepidation. It fit before even if it did hurt in the beginning. I don't know if the same pain will be felt at the initial joining every time or not. It doesn't seem as if God would have it so or surely procreation would not come about so often. Moving up and positioning myself over him I have to lay my hands on his chest for leverage and balance. Expecting an excruciating pain once more I am delightfully surprised only to feel myself being filled with all of Erik's erect flesh.
I don't know how long I sat there taking in the wondrous feel of him inside of me. It could only have been seconds but I suppose to a man in the grips of sexual tension it could seem endless. No longer is Erik's face merely tense it is becoming very fierce looking as if he is in the grip of some horrendous pain.
"Hannah, for God's sake move or I shall do something very profound." His voice is low and almost has a growl mingled in his tone. This must be how a man sounds when passion is in control of him. Delicious shivers overtake me just thinking of what action Erik might take. If I did not want to have this chance to discover how to make us both come to that high plateau of pleasure I would hold off just to see what he will do. I remember he moved his hips taking his flesh deep inside of me then lifting up so that he almost removed himself from me. Clumsily at first I do as Erik did and quickly become distracted as such powerful sensations begin to flood through me especially where his flesh touches mine every so often. That I think is the key, the movement of his flesh against mine.
The faster I move the more the coils in my belly tighten. Tremors are beginning to come, a few at first with increasing intensity the harder I push myself against Erik. He must like this also for he has clasped his hands around my hips showing me what rhythm he needs. Our mouths have not been idle during this gradual climb. When I first feel his lips clasp around my breast for a moment my focus is centered there. I can feel every flick of his tongue in parts of me in no way connected to the place he is adorning with such hot wet homage. Wanting to feel his hand on me I search for his hand at my hips and bring it up to cup my breast. Nothing on earth could have kept me silent when that man wrapped his hand around me. I cried out in my pleasure. I may feel ashamed later but in this moment it feels too good to do anything other than enjoy how he makes me feel.
Some force is taking hold of me. My fingers are curling inward and marking Erik's flesh. He groans but doesn't stay my hands in any way. In fact he raises his hips up to meet my downward thrust. I feel like some pagan princess during one of those fertility rituals I have read about in forbidden books written about ancient cultures.
I am covered with perspiration, my body is moving with abandon and my head is thrown back with unearthly sounds coming from me. Control is slipping away and being handed over to this inner temptress that I had not known existed inside of me. I want to feel Erik's mouth on mine so I place my lips over his in a kiss unlike any I have ever read about or imagined. This kiss held all the primal longings and demands passed down from a time when cavemen took their women by force dragging them to a cave so they could appease the inner beast. Nothing civilized or given stoically had anything to do with what Erik and I were experiencing. This was a give and take moment. We both gave freely and took greedily.
Just when I think I can't take another moment of this without dying my body spasms for a moment and in that second I cannot breathe cannot move. Just as suddenly as it started it passes to be replaced with more of the same. I can feel my insides gripping Erik reflexively with every spasm I experience. This must have triggered something within Erik as his face contorts even more and his thrusts are more forceful. His inhuman moans join mine. This must be a song lovers sing in their moment of bliss. Abandonment of all civilized restraints have both of us writhing about moaning and groaning as we kiss feverishly and touch each other as if we cannot bear to leave one spot unexplored. Erik moves his hands to cup my backside. I let him show what he wants and find it is what I want too.
With one last hard thrust Erik stiffens and releases proof of his passion inside of me. I collapse down on him breathing harshly just as he is. My hair has long since come undone and is hanging about both Erik and I in a tangled mess. Our mingled sweat is beginning to dry leaving a salty sticky feeling behind. Now that my mind is not clouded with passion I am faced with the problem of what to do now. Being naked before Erik while in the grips of passion was one thing but standing before him with the aftermath of lovemaking coating my inner thighs is quite another.
Knowing I could not lay on top of him for the rest of my life I gather what composure I can and lift myself away from him. Once on my feet it startles me to see just how impatient Erik had been to unclothe me. Everything is scattered about and some things have little rips. Buttons are missing from the shirt. I'll need to sneak into camp or come up with one whopper of a tale to explain why I am returning in such a state.
I pray the men are busy looking for strays and Nicholas and Nicole are still out hunting for the mustangs. My children are far too intelligent and curious to simply let me get away without a question or two. The men wouldn't dare ask outright but I know they would discuss things and speculate amongst themselves. The more clothing I replace the more embarrassed I become. How will I be able to look him in the eye ever again?