'Firsts' written by EmptySky, betaed by Celeste6 and pearlydewdrop

Chapter 10: First Christmas after the divorce

Danny: 31 years old

Grace: 6 years old

Danny has no reason to be this upset. There really is nothing to justify his foul mood. 'I asked for it', Danny thinks as he turns over to lie on his belly, while secretly hoping to suffocate in the pillow and be put out of his misery. It is his own fault after all so he should grin and bear it, dealing with the consequences without complaining.

Technically, it's a day like any other. Except it really isn't. It's Christmas Day and his daughter is not here. What always was, and should be, a merry celebration with family has turned into a sulking event for Danny. The custody arrangement has them alternating holidays, and this Christmas it's Rachel's turn to have Grace. It is also the first Christmas since their separation and following divorce, the first Christmas Danny has to spend without Grace since she was born.

Usually, he is not hung up on single days. He gets his daughter on one workday per week as well as every other weekend. He has been lucky for the most part. Rachel is very reasonable - at least concerning visitation - and often interprets the legal custody arrangement in his favor. Danny goes to great lengths to make the dates he's been assigned, but with work, there has been days on which he just hasn't been able to have her with him.

Instead of reproaching him, Rachel has been lenient and with Grace's best interest in mind, offered alternative days. Just last month, after finishing a tedious and time consuming case, Rachel had offered him two weekends in a row to make up for lost time.

But now it's Christmas. The ultimate family celebration and probably the most important holiday in the Williams household. And though he is not entirely alone, being surrounded by family, he feels miserable.

It's not because he hasn't been able to eat much, mostly been picking at his food. It's because here he is, thirty-one years old, just divorced, lying fully clothed and sulking in bed in his old room, once again with his parents. He had wanted to work, seriously intending on working a double shift in order to end up in bed, too tired to think straight.

He has done it before after all. It helps him forget his problems, if only temporary. Only this time, his family hadn't let him. His mother had been appalled upon hearing of his plans and she'd guilt-tripped him into spending the holidays at their house.

He has stayed with them since the late afternoon of Christmas Eve. His siblings stopped by at some point, bringing their families and filling the house with more people than it was designed for. It's just like old times with everyone getting together, except this time, two people are missing. His family has gone out of their way to distract him with conversations, games, a movie, a long walk in the snow and with watching his brother make a fool out of himself going down a hill on a sled. Their attempts at cheering him up were well-meant but did not work. Danny knows that it's unfair to everyone else to remain in a foul mood because his family misses Grace as well. It is also their first Christmas without their first-born granddaughter present.

To avoid bringing everyone else down with him, he had gone to bed early last night, but he has barely slept, lying awake most of the time and sometimes crying quietly. He thought about his failed marriage, his decision to call it quits and about what-ifs that might have prevented him and Rachel from breaking up. It has not helped. Because they are still divorced, and Grace is still not there with him. Only now his eyes are burning and his head hurts.

Danny huffs and turns on his back. He picks up the photos lying by his side and looks at them with longing. They're a bit tattered at the edges, from holding onto them for so long and brushing over their surface with his fingers. One of them is of Grace. It's a photo she gave him for his birthday. 'So he'd always have her with him', she had said. It doesn't matter that he has countless other photos in albums, his phone and his wallet. It was very thoughtful and fulfilled its purpose because Danny does carry it with him at all times. God, he misses the kid.

He flips through the photos in his hand and feels very bitter on the inside. The next one is of Danny, Rachel and Grace after a family outing. He doesn't even remember who took the photo but it used to be one of his favorites. It shows them during better times, before they were unable to stop arguing. Rachel is leaning against Danny, with him resting his chin on her shoulder, his arms wrapped around her middle and with her hands resting on his. They had watched Grace drawing with chalk on her grandparents driveway. It had not been a special moment, but the memory stings. What makes the entire situation worse for Danny is that Grace might be spending Christmas with Rachel's new boyfriend while he does not get to see her.

He is pulled out of his train of thoughts by the ringing of his phone and he fumbles to get it out of his pants.

"Hello?"

"Merry Christmas, Danno!"

And just like that, Danny's bad mood evaporates, leaving a bittersweet taste at hearing the voice he misses every day. He sits up and leans against the bed's headboard.

"Thank you, Gracie. Merry Christmas to you, too!"

"Guess what, Daddy!"

"Tell me!"

"Santa came!"

"Wow, that's so awesome." Danny smiles at the exuberant joy in his daughter's voice and imagines her practically bouncing up and down with excitement. "What did he bring?"

"I got a book of fairy tales, new scrunchies with flowers on them and crayons. And guess what, I've got a present for you, too. Mommy said that maybe Santa doesn't know where you live yet so we got you something just in case. Did Santa find you, Daddy?"

"That is very sweet of you, thanks Monkey. Yep, Santa found me, and he even left presents here for you. You can open them next time you come and visit. And what you got sounds cool. I bet you'll look even more beautiful with the flower hair ties, if that's even possible. Do you want to tell me about your day so far?" Danny relaxes against the pillows, tension he did not even know he felt leaving his body.

"I woke up early because I remembered it was Christmas Day, but Mommy did not want to get up yet. So she tickled my back a little bit and I think we fell asleep again. But then we went and checked and Santa really came. We opened presents and I drew some pictures for you and grandma to hang up on the wall. Then Mommy and I had breakfast and baked some cookies and we met Stan for a walk in the snow. That was a lot of fun. It was really cold outside, so Mommy made me some hot chocolate," she sprouts off excited, but then gets more subdued. "What did you do this morning, Danno? Are you all alone?"

Danny knows he shouldn't feel bitter or angry that Rachel has moved on, as it is her right, but it's difficult. They've separated less than a whole year ago, their divorce finalized this October. What bothers him a great deal is that Rachel is dealing with their break-up a lot better than he is. While she has clearly moved on, he only found the strength to take off his wedding ring last month.

As much as he wants to hate Stan, whom he has met, he can't. He is about their age and a real estate developer, someone Rachel met during a meeting at work. Danny doesn't know how serious their relationship is, but with Rachel introducing Stan to Grace and letting Danny know about him, he will probably be around for a while. Stan seems to be nice enough to Grace. Still, to have confirmation that another man is taking his place and to imagine the three of them sitting under the Christmas tree, playing happy family, has him feeling sick to his stomach again.

"Danno?"

"Sorry, Monkey, I got distracted," Danny sighs and tries to sound as upbeat as he can. "I'm visiting Grandma and Grandpa, and I spent the night. Matt, Stella, Bridget and their families are here, too. It's slightly insane, but you know what Christmas at the Williams' house is like. We opened our presents after breakfast, and since then, everyone is pottering around somewhere."

"Can you give them kisses from me?"

"I will do that, sure. Though maybe not to your cousin. He has been naughty."

"What did Eric do?"

"He decided it would be a great idea to use his inline skates indoors. He nearly crashed into the tree. You should have seen your aunt. Stella was furious. Eric is grounded now, in case that wasn't clear."

Grace giggles at hearing about her cousin's crazy antics and seems pleased to hear Danny is not alone.

Danny doesn't want to encourage his daughter worrying about him, but he has to admit that it feels nice to hear that she cares about him.

"As for the rest of the day, I'm not sure yet. Do you have any plans, Monkey?"

"Mommy and Stan haven't finished thinking about what we could do, so I don't know… Danno, Mommy wants to talk to you."

Danny barely suppresses an annoyed groan, not feeling up to talking to her today. But it's not like he has much of a choice, not with Grace on the other end of the line.

"Alright. Have a great day, Gracie. I love you so much."

"I love you, too."

He hears the phone being passed on and then Rachel is on.

"Hello Daniel. Merry Christmas to you."

"Merry Christmas, Rachel, thanks."

"How are you?"

Danny doesn't know what to say at first, as he is certain she knows that he is, in fact, not feeling very well.

"Sorry…" She sounds hesitant and very soft spoken. "I know I don't get to ask you that anymore, and I can imagine how you feel today. Are you with Ed and Clara?

"I am, yeah. Work was my first choice, but they had their way and here I am. So yeah… probably better this way. Let's just say I'll be glad when the holidays are over."

"I'm glad you're not alone, Danny," Rachel sighs. "Believe me, I never wanted any of us to suffer, or to hurt you."

Danny swallows hard and shakes his head. "I'm sorry, I can't do this now. You know what Christmas means to me, to my family. Sure, you deserve to have her just the same but from where I'm standing, you're currently in a much better position."

"Yes, I know. I got the better end of the custody agreement but I can tell you, I don't feel much like a winner. And for your information, I'll have the same issues on New Year's, when she is with you."

"That's the life we chose, Rachel," Danny groans and rubs his forehead when the pounding in his head seems to pick up the beat. "I had a lot of time to think about it all, you know? I know I made mistakes, and if I could take them back, I would. But what's done is done. We need to get used to it, unless we all want to celebrate together. And even if I was able spend more than five minutes around Stanley, it wouldn't be an option. Mom heard Grace talk about him, and to put it in the nicest way possible: Should you ever meet her somewhere, you better take cover."

Rachel chuckles, though it sounds forced. "Thank you for the heads up. Danny, I'm sorry things have been strained lately. I want to make things right for Grace's sake."

"Is there anything else you'd like to talk about?"

"I think Grace told you all about our day? She was so excited in the days leading up to today that it's a blessing the day has finally come. I think she might have spontaneously combusted otherwise," Rachel says, her voice tense. "You know, Grace has always loved Christmas."

"Please don't," Danny interrupts her quietly. "It's too hard."

"Danny, this Christmas has not been the same, for obvious reasons. Grace understood that. She is trying to be happy for me, but she's disappointed. She misses the rituals, your crazy family… I cannot, in good conscience, do this. It's hard for me too, even with Stan visiting. I don't want to confuse her, but I want her happy. Danny, this won't mean anything in the future, alright?"

"Rachel…"

"If you want to, you can come and pick her up. Spend the day with her, cheer her up."

"For real?" Danny stammers after being speechless for a while, even checking the phone to make sure it's really his ex-wife he is talking to.

"I'll get her ready in a minute." She sounds like she's tearing up but Danny isn't sure. "Just have her back before bedtime, okay?"

Danny hears Grace cheer loudly in the background and the offer Rachel made sinks in. He smiles and realizes he's tearing up himself. He wipes his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt.

"Thank you, Rachel. Thank you! I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

He hangs up and exhales shakily, feeling almost giddy. He laughs and jumps out of the bed, wiping his eyes in relief once more. He puts on his shoes and jacket in record time and is almost out of the door when he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Danny frowns at the state of his hair and makes a quick detour into the bathroom, washing his face and combing his messy strands into his trademark appearance. He bounces down the stairs with a light step and a smile on his face. His family looks up at him with something akin to worry.

"I'll be back in a bit, guys."

"Don't tell me you got called into work…?!"

Danny breaks out into a wide grin and shakes his head. He laughs when he realizes his family thinks he has lost it entirely, and wipes at his eyes once more.

"Nope, no work for me. It's even better. And hey? I know it's crowded, but please try to make room for one more. I won't be long, I just got to go and pick up my daughter. And put together some food, will you? I'm starving."