A/N I'm rather excited about this chapter…this is the scene that came to me first and inspired the rest of this fic – which s over a year old now, don'cha know. I'm working hard on finishing it now, only 2 chapters left after this one.
Thank you to Suni, Savvi and DarkAngelJudas for still showing their support for this monster, I love you all. And check out the first page of Godchild fics – long live the Jizabel/Cassian Invasion!
Anywho….on with the drama, neh? After the smoosh of last chapter, it may come as a shock..
I try to kill you with your poison love
Falling in darkness
Hope you try to kill me and poison my heart
Drowning in darkness
Hope
Cassian awoke to the cold, sharp pain of a blade being pressed against his throat.
Without opening his eyes, he reacted purely out of instinct, throwing one arm up to push the knife away while kicking out in front of him. There was a gasp as his feet slammed into his assailant and then the distant sound of something heavy landing in the hay of the barn below. Cassian opened his eyes, heart racing and jumped to his feet. His attacker was nowhere to be seen and Cassian realised that he must have kicked them over the edge of the hayloft that the room was built in. This gave him a moment to think.
Who had attacked him? Well, that was easy to work out. It must be an assassin sent by Delilah; Cassian could think of no one else who would wish him harm in the village and cursed his own foolishness bitterly. If only the assassin had waited a few hours, and they would have left the village already. Cassian reached the realisation that he would have to kill whoever had attacked them and was shocked that he felt no regret at this decision. How dare they come here and try to take away Jizabel's happiness again…
Cassian's eyes widened in shock.
Jizabel. Where was Jizabel?
His eyes scanned the small room frantically but the doctor wasn't there. They had fallen asleep together, hadn't they? Where would he have gone? Cassian's heart seemed to skip a beat as a horrible thought crossed his mind; what if they had got to Jizabel first? He scanned the room again, desperately searching for signs of a struggle or violence but could see nothing. The only things out of place in the room were his own clothes, left lying in a heap on the floor from the previous night. Cassian froze as another realisation hit him.
His clothes were scattered on the floor. His clothes. Not Jizabel's. If the doctor had been attacked would he have had time to get dressed? Cassian knew the man was finicky but that seemed a little too extreme…Feeling as though his heart had lodged in his throat, Cassian walked towards the edge of the hayloft, feet as heavy as lead. He peered downwards. The barn was almost dark, coloured a strange shade of grey in the early morning light that filtered through the holes in the roof, but it was not too dark to see. What Cassian saw now made him clench his fists in anger, his jaw slack in disbelief, and his eyes wide and full of pain.
As he looked down, he could see Jizabel climbing out of a pile of hay with difficulty. A knife was clasped in his hand, a knife that glinted red where it had cut deep enough to draw blood. As he gazed up at Cassian, his eyes were cold and cruel. Yet, despite this and despite the way that his heart felt as if it was breaking, Cassian still thought Jizabel was beautiful.
Jizabel turned to leave and Cassian bolted for the ladder, grazing his feet and legs as he scurried down.
"Wait!" he called desperately, hating the way his voice sounded. "Jizabel!"
To Cassian's relief, Jizabel turned back towards him, knife held at his side loosely. He said nothing, simply stared at Cassian with an apathy that chilled him. Jizabel looked…. different. He was still dressed in the ill fitting clothes they had stolen and although his hair was pulled back it was unkempt but….this was not the man Cassian had made love to the night before. This man's eyes were cold, his mouth set in a sharp line, his posture tense and defensive.
"What do you want to say to me?" Jizabel said sharply and all the softness that had crept into his voice over the past week had vanished. His voice now was haughty, irritated, uncaring…Cassian could remember, now, why he had hated Jizabel when they first met. Then, he had believed the doctor had no trace of humanity in him whatsoever, was a monster in human form. Now, Cassian wondered whether all his memories were a dream because the man before him certainly did not fit in with them.
Cassian raised a hand to his neck and encountered the warm wetness of blood. He became painfully aware that he was naked, vulnerable and terrified. The eyes before him could kill him in an instant…and Cassian would not have the heart to fight back. Not anymore.
"Why?" he said quietly, voice shaking. "Why did you…after everything that's happened!" His voice became suddenly stronger and hysteria threatened to engulf him. For so long, Cassian had fought to remain calm and controlled in front of Jizabel for fear of hurting him but he could stand it no longer. "I know you weren't…you weren't pretending last night. I haven't lied to you, not in any way. Why would you want to throw this away? Were you really trying to kill me?"
"Enough," Jizabel said sharply, stopping the torrent of questions that Cassian wanted to ask. "That's enough." He took a few steps forward so that he was standing just in front of Cassian, who noticed with a shock that the doctor seemed to have difficulty walking. A burst of guilt hit him – was this his fault? Had he been hasty? Was this all because of…
"You once told me something," Jizabel said gently, eyes lowered. "You told me that the good in a person could never be changed. And do you know what? I believed you. Foolishly. How could something as fragile as goodness be indestructible? The good in me was lost long ago, and in you too. You'll deny it, but can you really claim that the good in you is the same as it was when you were a child, before you knew of your growth defect?" Cassian remained silent and Jizabel nodded. "No, I didn't think you could. You see, I've been thinking about it and it makes more sense to me that if there is one part of a person that never changes, it would not be the good in them at all. It would be the evil."
He took another step towards Cassian, smiling like a predator and Cassian felt the sudden urge to scream, to beg the monster before him to return the Jizabel he loved. But no…that wasn't true, was it? Jizabel had always been like this, always, up until this week. This didn't comfort him – Cassian knew that this wasn't the real Jizabel, even if it was the side of him most people saw. It couldn't be.
"So yes, Cassian, I was trying to kill you," Jizabel continued. "Why? For two reasons. One would be to repay you." Here, Jizabel raised the knife up to his own neck and gently traced a cut that had almost healed, the wound that Cassian had inflicted while standing on the steps of Westminster Abbey. It seemed like a lifetime ago, now. "The other would be for revenge."
"Revenge?" Cassian whispered, feeling giddy as though he had strayed into a world of nightmares.
"Yes. Isn't that how it's supposed to go? The son avenges the damage inflicted upon the father?"
It was at that moment that Cassian realised he had lost. Alexis. It always came back to Alexis. If Jizabel was still bound by some sick sense of loyalty to that monster, then Cassian had no chance. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes and he went to touch Jizabel's shoulder, only to have his arm pushed away forcefully.
"How can you even say that?" Cassian said, voice low and angry. "How can you even think of that man after everything he put you through?"
Eyes lowered to the ground, looking nervous for the first time since he had been confronted, Jizabel's voice took on a strange childish tone. "He's my father," he whispered. "He loves me."
"No, Jizabel, I love you!" Cassian shouted, finally losing all of his self-control. "Not him, me. And do you know what? I'm the only one! I'm the only one that loves you because of this ridiculous attitude of yours! You're not a child anymore! You don't need a father!"
"I don't need anyone!" Jizabel hissed and Cassian shook his head sadly.
"You might not, Jizabel. But I do. I need you. I love you. There's nothing else in this world worth loving."
Jizabel was silent for a moment. Cassian trembled breathing heavily, legs feeling as though they would buckle under him at any minute. Jizabel slowly raised his head and for an instant, Cassian saw the man he had fallen asleep beside. A man who was gentle, a man who had surrendered his pride in order to embrace something he didn't understand…someone fragile.
"Do you?" Jizabel whispered and then gave a small, unnatural laugh. "Do you really love me? Can you love me? How can you love somebody who has sinned as much as I have? Even last night…that was my fault. I forced you to add another crime against God to your list-"
"Bullshit!" Cassian yelled. "That's not the truth and you know it isn't!"
Jizabel shook his head and then locked gazes with Cassian, who watched as the softness in those amethyst orbs melted away to be replaced by coldness, as sharp as broken glass.
"You can't love me Cassian," he said simply.
"Why?" Cassian breathed.
Jizabel gave a half smile and turned to leave. "Because you've never hurt me."
Cassian's eyes widened and he stepped forward after the doctor, once again raising a hand to stop him from leaving. There was a blur of movement and Cassian found the knife pressed against his throat once again.
"Touch me again, and I will kill you," Jizabel hissed.
"I thought you were going to kill me anyway."
Jizabel remained silent but didn't draw the knife away.
"Then do it, Jizabel," Cassian whispered. "If you want to kill me, just kill me."
Jizabel shook his head and took a sep back with a scowl. He turned to leave and began to walk quickly away, leaving Cassian standing alone, open mouthed.
"Jizabel!" he shouted after the retreating figure. "Do you love me?"
He paused in his walking a moment and turned his head to the side. After a long moment of silence he started walking again and left the barn, closing the large door behind him with a soft thud. Cassian stood in the darkness for a few minutes, wanting to follow but finding himself unable to move. He didn't want to let Jizabel go, but at the same time, didn't want to hurt himself any more by following him. After a while, he sank to his knees in the hay and began to sob softly, part of him wishing earnestly that Jizabel had killed him.
-x-
I live under your curse
I live eternally damned for you
-x-
Jizabel walked slowly and calmly to the small train station, back down the winding lane through the heath that had looked so daunting on the first night in the village. It was beautiful in the morning light, a vast expanse of green studded with tiny purple flowers like jewels. Part of Jizabel's mind registered this beauty but forgot about it instantaneously. He tried not to think, focussing on the process of walking rather than the destination.
He reached the station without incident and found a small, wizened porter standing on the platform. When asked which ticket he was buying, Jizabel wondered vaguely whether anyone would notice if he killed the man…but he didn't feel able to kill. Not here. Not in this village. Instead, he handed the surprised porter the bloodied knife. It was of a good make and would cover the cost of his ticket to London, while also ensuring the porter left him alone while he waited for the train. Jizabel stood while he waited, eyes staring straight ahead, mind blank. The train arrived after a few minutes and Jizabel boarded, calmly walking along the interior of the train until he found an empty carriage. He shut the door firmly behind him, drew the curtains across the viewing panel in the door and sat down.
Then he allowed himself to fall apart.
Jizabel hunched forward, trembling hands coming up to cover his face as he drew deep shaking breaths. Tears began coursing down his cheeks and he remembered that the last time he had cried had been back in Delilah, just before Cassian came to take him away…
Body now convulsing with great, wracking sobs, Jizabel murmured incoherently to himself and rocked backwards and forwards. Part of his mind shook its head at this behaviour. It was ridiculous, getting so worked up. It wasn't as though he had never hurt anyone before, so why should he be upset? This part of him felt as though a madness had descended and taken hold of his heart for the past week and was relieved that some semblance of sanity had returned at last. It shuddered when remembering the events of the night previous, felt ashamed at the words it had spoken, felt sick at the emotions it had thought itself able to feel. But…
Jizabel stopped sobbing and turned to gaze out of the window, watching the countryside flash by. He ignored the sensible, rational part of his mind and felt guilty, lost and afraid. Lonely, even. He regretted not answering Cassian in the barn and answered each of his questions in a whisper, as though this would solve everything and make him feel less guilty.
Why?
"Because I was afraid. Because I felt more vulnerable than I ever had before. Because you were kind to me and I don't know how to respond. And…because it's true, the evil in someone is indestructible and if I didn't hurt you now, I was going to eventually. It's in my nature…like father like son… and the longer I stayed living in this dream world the more it would hurt to give it all up."
It was so easy to answer, now, so easy to speak the words that could have changed everything that it made him feel sick. What was he doing, leaving now?
I know you weren't pretending last night.
"No," Jizabel breathed. "I wouldn't even know how to pretend."
Why would you want to throw this away?
"It hurts less than trying to understand."
Were you really trying to kill me?
"No. I was trying to kill the part of me that…" Jizabel took a breath shakily, suddenly nervous as though Cassian was still there to hear him. "The part of me that…wanted you. Still wants you. The part of me that makes no sense."
How can you even think of that man after everything he put you through?
"How could I not think of him?" Jizabel asked the air. "He owns my soul, he made me the way I am. Even know…how can I…" He stopped speaking, unable to find words even to himself regarding his father. He felt as though his whole life had been spent living for Alexis, living under his rules, his wishes, his desires…and so trying to live for his own both terrified and upset him. It felt like betrayal, even though Jizabel knew it shouldn't.
Do you love me?
Jizabel stared out of the window for several minutes, trying to sort through the mess of emotions that were storming through him. Did he love Cassian? What was love, anyway? Jizabel thought of Cain and of Riff, of their ridiculous devotion to one another. Love meant wanting to do anything for another individual? Or that ones life could not continue without another individual? Neither of these applied to Jizabel, they couldn't, or he wouldn't have been sitting on that train. But…
He remembered how foolishly Riff had acted when trying to return to Cain after being poisoned, how both of them acted irrationally for the other. So…love made a person act against their better judgement? Jizabel thought back to the barn, to how his heart had hammered in his chest when Cassian had asked him and how he had been unable to answer… There were no grey areas. It should be yes or no. So why had he not answered in the negative?
Before he could stop them, memories assaulted Jizabel's mind from the night before. Heat. Pain. Chaos. But…pleasure too. And tenderness. Cassian had always been gentle with him, even then. No one had ever been gentle with Jizabel before and so he had assumed it was something not to be valued but…perhaps…love wasn't about pain, wasn't about burning your emotions so deeply into someone that they scarred. Perhaps it was about being gentle and patient. Forgiving. Jizabel remembered Cassian's face as he had left, an expression of mixed disbelief and sorrow, but not anger. He had still seemed gentle, standing in the darkness with blood running down his bare chest…
Do you love me?
"Yes," Jizabel whispered softly, eyes wide with shock. "Yes…but it changes nothing. I don't want to hurt you anymore. Cassian…"
The train pulled into another station and a young woman with a small child entered Jizabel's carriage. He sat up straight quickly, turning so that the woman could not see the tears in his eyes. He dug his nails into his palms and forced himself to stop thinking. Regrets were useless, now. For better or for worse, Jizabel was returning to London because he could think of nothing else to do.
It was better this way, surely…better to return to his own living hell than stay and drag Cassian down with him. And yet, Jizabel still felt alone and lost and afraid. It was too late to go back, and Jizabel knew he was being catapulted from a dream world into one populated by nightmares.
The child in the carriage began screaming and crying, claiming that it was bored of the journey already.
"Sorry about this, sir," the woman said to him "I bet you can't wait for this journey to be over."
"Oh no," Jizabel said softly, eyes never leaving the window. "On the contrary, I wouldn't mind if this journey lasted forever."
Please review sweeties! I'm getting sad now we're so close to the end. *Sniffle* I hope you don't all hate me for ruining their happiness so quickly XD
Lyrics at the start from And God's Ocean, the ones in the middle from Sacrificial Lamb both by Lacrimas Profundere – the songs that made me write this. I hope you see why it was called what it was now…but there'll be more explanation at the end so no worries.