Heero Yuy, L6, and the Second Suit Wars | ELLE
Ah! I can't believe this is my last full week of posting part one. *gasp, shock!* I remember dancing in my seat waiting to post this and now you all almost know all my secrets (haha, yeah right, this is a trilogy after all!) I really do appreciate all the lovely readers I have for this so far. :D Oh, this chapter is somewhat inspired by Ne-Yo's song 'Forever Now' and Duo's got a line directly inspired by it. ;-)
One thing I'd like to say because I've been waiting for someone to bring it up (thanks VioletYuy lol) is that Jack is different than Heero and somewhat more emotional but I never really write Heero to the rigid, emotionless standards fannon dictates for him. First of all, he laughs in the very first episode. Maybe a manical, crazy laugh, but never the less. ;-) And in the series there are many times he is clearly fighting self-doubt. Plus, this is from first person. If you read carefully you'll see he rarely smiles at anyone despite his rich internal dialogue. That is by design. Also, this takes place almost 10 years post EW so... yeah. I think he would adapt a little. ;-P
And to the guest who mentioned Duo's manic episode... unfortunately neither Duo nor anyone else ever really gets to justify their actions as this is first person. But his break down is of course subject to Wufei's opinion. I'm not one to think of Duo as suicidal or manic or anything, as evidenced by his life post Heero in this fic. However, there were a lot of factors at play in his break down. He was at a job he didn't enjoy that he only took for a lover who left him. He was just assigned a rookie partner who let him get shot and suffering from PTSD issues regarding taking a bullet again. Overall he was in a bad place and not just because Heero left him. ;-P I figure even though he had no intention of committing suicide, after a display like that Sally would take the precaution of watching him carefully. Though Wufei and his high and mightiness just saw it as a moment of weakness regarding Heero (but come on, that's 'Fei! Hehehe!)
I've actually considered doing a companion piece to this fic explaining other character's perspectives at certain points along the way but meh, we'll see.
CheZaswulf - Ah! Nice to see you! :D I feel so honored re: this story breaking your heart. ;-P
dkAdeena - So glad you're enjoying! :D Thank you for all your reviews!
Remsky - Glad to hear you think I'm doing the other pilots justice. ;-P So honored you'd speculate for me hehe!
SnowDragon - Glad you like 'Fei! I felt so uncomfortable writing him but I'm starting to like him more and more myself! =P And fortunately you'll be getting some answers soon... hehehe! (Though interestingly enough I used almost some of your exact same phrasing here in a later chapter. Oooo! You'll have to guess!)
Bah, enough chit chat! Here ya go...!
PART ONE | Memoirs of a Former Life
1.10 The Interloper
I had picked up fast food on the way in and ate it in my car as I waited for him to get home. At a certain point I felt pretty foolish and thought about leaving before he even got there. What if he didn't want to deal with me after nearly two weeks in space? We had an agreed upon plan, reservations in Geneva for tomorrow night, and here I was, messing all that up because of one story from a former friend I couldn't even remember. But where Winner was menacing, Chang had been sincere. I immediately felt I could trust him. And I had to trust the feelings Heero left me with because if I didn't...
The implications were too vast to consider.
It was almost nine thirty by the time I saw the taxi pull up, having spotted it down the street from where I was parked. With much trepidation and fear I got out of my car and leaned against it, the way I had the last time I'd seen him. I immediately noted the confused look on his face and tried not to let my heart sink too far. I would be confused too, in his position, but still happy to see him.
"Jack?" he asked on his approach, seeming worried. "Is something wrong? I wasn't expect –"
But before he could finish, before he could say he was angry with me, I helped close the distance between us, wrapping him up in my arms and drawing him into a long, fervent kiss.
"Shit," he breathed out slowly as our lips parted but I refused to loosen my grip on him. "What happened? Why are you here?"
I buried face in his neck, feeling overrun by emotions in a way that was uncommon for me, and I begged myself not to do something humiliating like start crying.
"I'm never going to leave you," I whispered hoarsely into his shoulder and I felt his grip on me tighten. "I'm never going to leave you," I repeated. "I'll quit my job, I'll move here, I'll do anything just to be with you, I –"
His lips were on mine then, crushing me, overpowering me, making me light headed with the force of his passion.
And then we were tumbling into his apartment, lips locked, fighting to breathe, fighting to stay standing.
And then we were leaving a trail of clothes from the door to his bedroom, each piece falling to the floor, each piece of new skin exposed forcing our lips away from each other to trail across it, memorize it.
And then we were on his bed, and he was straddling me, cradling my head, kissing me until my lips were tender, my hands clutching his thighs, running to his waist, unbuttoning his pants, unzipping his pants, forcing him to stop and groan as I slipped my hand inside them, past his boxers, my fingers brushing against his stiff, needy cock.
"Not fair," he muttered, ripping at my pants, ripping at my belt, ripping it from my belt loops and yanking down my pants.
He got off me for just a moment and had us out of our pants in record time before throwing himself back on top of me, our lips meeting at the same time our dicks did. I found myself moaning helplessly into his mouth as my hips bucked up against him, begging for that delicious fiction and his wonderful heat.
I felt his hand trailing down the soft hair of my abdomen, down my thigh, down to where it cupped my balls, brushing that secret, sensitive place beneath them and my head snapped to the side as I muttered a curse, unable to believe his touch could feel that good. And his lips were on my neck then, nipping it, biting it, trailing down to my shoulders, down to my nipples, which he tweaked with his teeth and his tongue.
I dug my fingers into his hair as he trailed kisses down my body until he enveloped me in his warm, wet mouth. I was without words, without thought, without strength as he slipped up and down, teasing my foreskin with his tongue, passing it over my head, ever so gently flicking that slit on the top so that I jerked helplessly, slamming my eyes shut and feeling a guttural growl rip from my lips.
And then he was digging in the nightstand, looking for lube, covering his fingers in it. And he was kissing me again, his fingers slipping back down between us, fingering me, making me bite down on his lips, abusing them, making me dig my fingers into his thighs, sure my fingernails would leave impressions in his skin.
"Fuck me," I groaned impatiently as his fingers left me, wanting more. No, needing more. I needed to make this concrete. I needed to know he still wanted me – or that he wanted Jack. In this state I felt confused, I didn't want to think, I just wanted – I fucking wanted him.
"That's the plan," he chuckled, dumping a liberal amount of lube on my hand and pressing it to his dick. I felt his hips twitch as I coated him in it, tugging on him lovingly until his hand clamped down on my wrist, forcing me to stop.
And then he was positioning me under him, his dick pressing against me, entering me slowly, his fingers clamped on my hips, his head bowed, concentrating on the feeling of me, of us. It made my heart pound in my chest and my fingers twisted in his sheets as I tried to remain still.
"Fuck." His voice rose from deep in his throat as he finally buried himself completely in me, pausing a moment, and I could feel him throbbing inside of me, and I could feel him tremble at it, his whole body quaking with sensation.
He tilted his head up and looked at me then, his eyes full of lust, and I returned the gaze with my own affectionate one. And then he leaned forward, supporting himself on one hand as the other wrapped around me, and he started to move.
And then I was gasping, writhing under him, every one of his careful movements washing waves of pleasure over me, my knees tightening around his torso, pulling him closer, forcing him closer to me every time he dared draw out an inch. I wrapped his braid around my hand, lifting myself up while I dragged him down to kiss his lips ardently, wanting to know this wasn't just sex, needing to feel his affection, his – No. I wasn't Heero. It was okay if this wasn't love. As long as I had a chance.
As long as he'd give me a chance.
His steady, calculated rhythm drove me mad. I didn't understand how he could be so precise, so exact. I never felt so powerless to someone else before and that feeling of letting go, giving up, handing the responsibility of my pleasure over to him was liberating. I knew in that moment that I could trust him, absolutely.
And then, it was too much. I felt myself convulse with the power of my ejaculation, my whole torso twitching up to meet him, my hands reaching out desperately to grip his waist, feel him, feel his strong body as it jerked forward, feel it shudder as he released himself inside of me.
"Fuck," he repeated breathlessly as he slipped out, collapsing upon me and pressing gentle kisses on my lips and my jaw and my cheeks. I ran my fingers up his sides, causing him to shiver and then laugh at his involuntary reaction to my touch.
We lay there a long time, tracing each other's bodies with delicate fingers. I found the bullet wounds Chang referenced and I felt a touch of sadness as I circled them specifically, wondering if they'd be there at all had Heero stayed to protect him.
As I felt the scars that crisscrossed his body, I wondered if Heero knew all their stories. I wondered if I would ever know Duo as well as he did, as intimately. I wondered if Duo knew the stories behind mine, if he knew parts of me better than I even knew myself. It was disconcerting, but also in a strange way comforting. Nice to know there was someone who fit me, who understood me, who could accept me and the gaping hole in my memory that swallowed most of my life.
"So what happened to Geneva?" Duo asked after a long while, his fingers idly closing and opening, stroking my chest lightly from his position wrapped up tight in my arms, his body pressed firmly against mine. "Not that I'm complaining," he added as I gathered my thoughts. "I just thought you wanted to wait."
"Chang came to visit me," I started cautiously, debating on what I'd tell him.
"Wufei?" he asked, clearly surprised. "I didn't tell him about you, you know. I mean I said I met someone at the conference but that's it."
"He works for Preventer – I'm sure he can find out anything he wants," I explained, a half-truth, if not an outright lie. But I didn't want to bring up Winner and upset him. "Anyway I'm not mad. He wants to go to dinner sometime. Maybe you could come?"
"Aw that'd be great!" he agreed easily and I was immediately relieved. "I haven't seen 'Fei or Sally in months."
I kissed the top of his head. "So it's settled, then."
"But that doesn't explain why you came all the way out here," Duo chided gently and I cursed his inability to be distracted.
I breathed out a sigh and squeezed him tightly for a moment. "He just said some things that made me realize..." I hesitated, hoping he didn't take what I was about to say the wrong way. "Heero left me here for you. And I've been selfishly caught up in why and what it meant for me – but I realized none of that matters. I should be here, next to you, loving you."
He tilted his head back to look up at me, a primal fear written all over his face. "But if you don't want me –"
"I need you," I told him honestly, meeting his eyes with unwavering resolve. "I never want to leave you." I rolled up to claim his lips, trying to impress upon him how deeply I felt. He relaxed again as we parted and snuggled against me, elation filling me, glad we'd had this conversation, glad I was able explain a small piece of the puzzle I'd been working with for weeks now.
"I'm glad I found you," he murmured sleepily.
"Me too," I whispered back as I drifted into sleep.
I awoke with a pounding headache and I rubbed my eyes carefully, trying to remember what happened last night. I realized I was in an unfamiliar room and I glanced around slowly, my memory coming back in a pleasant wash. But then, where was Duo? I couldn't help but feel disappointed at his absence, wanting to wake up to his bright eyes and kisses.
I sat up with a groan, slowly seeking out my boxer briefs, feeling suddenly self-conscious. I slipped them on and padded carefully to the living room where I found the object of my affection.
He was curled up on the couch in an oversized robe with an electric cigarette, cradling a picture in his lap, his fingers brushing over it slowly. My clothes were folded on the coffee table. I felt confused, like something was wrong, but I couldn't remember anything and the pain in my head made it difficult to try.
He blew out smoke vapor and without even looking at me he said coldly, "you should leave."
"Duo?" I asked, unable to keep the confusion from my voice. "What happened?"
"I can't do this," he said flatly, his eyes affixed to the frame though his fingers stopped momentarily.
I took a tentative step towards him. "I thought –"
"Don't!" he warned me, turning his pained and angry eyes towards me. I felt my heart clench with that tortured expression. "I don't know who the fuck you are, but you need to leave."
"What do you mean? I thought..." the desperate tone my voice took would've embarrassed me under normal circumstances but the only thing occupying my mind was how to keep him with me. "I thought we had something."
"No," he said mournfully, looking back to the picture fondly. I had to assume it was a picture of us. New Years Day? Best life ever? I guess I paled in comparison. "Some people just aren't able to change their forevers."
I stared at him, not sure what he meant, but knowing beyond a doubt that I was going to lose him if I didn't act carefully.
"Before you left, you said we'd always find each other. I didn't know what you meant, you weren't typically that romantic. I knew something was bothering you, I should've... fuck. There's so much I should've done."
I noted the way he was acting as if Heero and I were one in the same, something he hadn't done since our first date.
"Talk to me," I begged him quietly, feeling uncomfortably helpless.
"Who are you?" he asked, a sharp note of aggravation piercing through as he turned harsh eyes back to me. "Heero? Or Jack? Because I thought I fucked Jack but then, in the middle of the night, Heero was staring down at me."
"My head..." I realized, unsure exactly what he meant but feeling like I was going to collapse.
"No, I knocked you out. I couldn't take it," he admitted, dragging in deep on the cigarette, his eyes falling to the floor. "I thought I could be okay with Jack. You're like him, but sweet, like he had no inhibitions, none of the bullshit of his training or the war or whatever the fuck. But when he was looking down at me through your eyes again..." Duo turned away once more, wrapping his arms around himself. "I can't do it. I can't do this." He rested his head on his knees, the picture tucked up in his curled body, and I heard a small sob choke through. "I just want him back."
Frustration and hurt rocked through my body then. I felt myself start to shake. He was the only reason I even existed and he was rejecting me? What was I supposed to do now? Go back to work, continue on with my life, find someone else? How was I going to be able to do that with Heero buried underneath me, dictating my emotions, hopelessly pining after Duo?
Did he even begin to understand what he was asking of me?
Did Heero even think of what this would do to us?
Wouldn't it have been easier had he just died?
And then I remembered the email I'd received after meeting Duo. And I wondered, was this the same thing? Had I actually sent myself that email that night – but not me, Heero? Was he somehow able to claw his way out when he wanted and... and use me?
"What did he say?" I asked gently, grabbing my pants off the table and sliding into them, making sure Duo realized I had every intention of leaving, but needing my questions answered.
"Fuck you," he muttered instead, not moving a muscle from his protective stance.
"What did he say?" I found my tone a bit harsher than I anticipated and he flinched, but didn't answer. I threw on my undershirt and stepped closer, not wanting to confront him like this but surprisingly unable to reign in my mounting anger.
"What did he say?" I practically shouted at him, crossing the space between us easily.
He glanced up at me like a caged panther, and while I noted the tears running down his cheeks I found it difficult to care in the wake of the realization that I might be able to get Heero back. Kill myself and end this misery of an existence. Let Duo have back his fucked up genius solider boy.
"None of your goddamn business!" he shouted back and I grabbed him then, without thinking, and dragged him up off the couch.
"It's my body, it's my life!"
Maybe. Maybe that was true, I don't know, but that was how I felt at that moment. All I knew was that I was being played and I was fucking sick of it.
I didn't even see the punch coming until his fist collided with my face and I felt my head whip to the side, the sharp sting of it jarring me, causing me immeasurable amounts of pain considering my previously sustained damages which left my head aching.
"He fucking told me loved me, okay?" Duo was yelling at me from up against the wall. I wasn't sure how he escaped my grasp but then I wasn't sure how he managed to hit me either. I staggered, trying to maintain a standing position and listen to what he was saying. "He told me he was sorry, he told me not to worry, he told me that you would always be there for me because he couldn't be. I begged him not to go. I fucking begged him to stay with me and he said he wouldn't. He said I had to accept the second rate version of him. Are you fucking happy, now? Are you fucking happy? Even he knows you're a pathetic imposter!"
The words hurt far worse than I was expecting and I sucked wind, feeling like I'd been punched in the gut. Wishing I had been. Wishing Duo had just kept assaulting me physically, instead of saying the words I hoped I'd never have to hear.
Imposter. I wasn't Heero. I was a fake. A pathetic fake, at that. A second rate version.
And I couldn't help it. I felt hot tears run down my own face as I turned away from him, gathering up the last of my personal items and leaving without another word.