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J: Just Say It

*Sometimes after a hard day, Erin just needs to know Jay loves her and that he's there. Connected to D: Darkness.

Erin had taken the morning off of work so she could go to the doctor's for a routine check-up. She had to be at the precinct by 11am and it was only 10:15am when she exited the doctor's office. She figured she might as well stop at the diner down the street and grab a coffee and something to eat.

She walked inside and joined the line of people waiting to have their orders taken. The place wasn't too crowded, but there were a few people ahead of her. Her phone vibrated and she looked down.

From: Jay

The most work I've done today is have a paper ball throwing contest with Ruzek, which I won, by the way. I can't wait until you get here so I can have some real entertainment.

Before she could reply, he texted her again.

From: Jay

Hope your appointment is going well though. I love you, beautiful.

Erin smiled to herself. Jay always knew how to make her smile. She started to text him back.

"Erin?"

That one voice sent her entire mood crashing down. She kept her gaze on her phone but didn't text back, hoping that the person would walk away.

"I know you can hear me. It's rude to ignore people, especially your mother."

Erin turned to face her. "Well, when you don't act like a mother, you don't deserve to have the respect that one would get."

Bunny rolled her eyes. "Oh please, don't start with the pity act again."

Erin laughed dryly. "I'm not doing this with you." She tried to walk past her, but Bunny grabbed her arm. "Don't touch me."

"I just want to talk to you. I heard what happened with your friend Sarah's little girl. It's a shame."

Erin grinded her teeth as she tried not to say something rude. "Yes it is."

"Clay's out of jail, you know. He didn't know about that little girl being taken. He told me that you got high off of something while you were there. I thought you said you were done with that life."

"I am. It was a one-time thing for an investigation only."

"It's never a one-time thing with you. You don't have the strength to stay away from it. Being an addict is in your blood, Erin. It's what got your father sent to prison all those years ago. It's what keeps you from ever making something of yourself."

"I have made something of myself. I'm a police officer who makes this city safer. I protect people and I'm happy with what I do."

"You didn't protect Nadia or Allie. You can't save everyone, Erin."

"Is this your idea of an inspirational motherly talk?" Erin questioned.

"I'm just trying to help you see what Hank Voight is doing to you. He's destroying you. You met Nadia through one of the cases that he sent you on, and if he had let you have some more time off of work, then maybe you would have been around longer for Sarah and she never would have gotten involved with Enzo and Allie would still be alive."

Erin raised an eyebrow. "How do you know all of this about Sarah and Enzo? Did Clay tell you?" Clay, the man who had reintroduced Erin to Enzo and allowed her to discover Allie's body, had a father who was addicted to drugs that had grown up with Bunny, so she knew the man pretty well.

Bunny shook her head. "I went over to see Sarah."

"Excuse me?"

"It's your fault, you know."

Erin couldn't believe Bunny had the audacity to even go see Sarah, much less blame her for anything that had happened. "What is my fault?"

"That those poor children got taken away. She's a mess without Maggie and Gavin."

"Her name is Maddie." Erin corrected angrily. "Sarah was a mess with them. They are better off. They're in a good foster home."

"A foster home?" Bunny laughed. "Maybe that's what I should have done with you. Just sent you off to live in a foster home with a bunch of strangers."

"I probably would have been better off. At least then I wouldn't have to worry about the person who was supposed to be my mother every second of every day."

"I took care of you the best way I knew how, Erin! I was there every time you needed me!" Bunny argued.

"Oh really? When I was four, my father threw me down a flight of stairs and I got thirteen stitches in my arm because of it. You were at a strip club. When I was six, my father broke my collarbone because he threw me against the wall so hard. You were sleeping off a hangover. When I was eight, one of your boyfriends told me his pills were candy and I threw up for the next three days after eating a couple. You just laughed and watched. On my tenth birthday, I had to kneel next to a bathtub and keep your head up so you wouldn't choke on your own vomit. I missed 23 days of school in 7th grade because I was trying to look out for Teddy and making sure your boyfriend of the week didn't hurt him. You were never there."

"You only bring up the negative things. Don't you remember when you were five and I took you ice skating?"

Erin nodded. "Yeah, and I remember that I fell and I looked over to where you were because I thought you would help me up, but you were selling drugs to some guy on the side of the street."

"How about your seventh birthday party? I let you have friends over and everything."

"I invited my whole classroom and no one showed up because their parents knew about you and my father and they didn't trust you. I cried that whole day. You had bought cake mix, but nothing else, so I tried to make it and my father caught me and he burned my arm on the stove because he said I shouldn't have been messing up the kitchen. You were passed out on the living room floor because you were high."

Bunny shook her head. "Your father was a horrible man, but you didn't have this horrible childhood like you're making it out to be."

"I don't have any good memories."

"When you were first born, I loved you so much, Erin. Your father hadn't wanted me to have you and tried to get me to get an abortion, but I thought that it would make him love me more, so I kept you. He didn't really like you too much, but I loved you and I did everything I could for you. But you weren't a very good listener and you were always crying. Sometimes, your father hitting you might have been for the best! At least it quieted you down for a bit!"

"I was a baby!" Erin nearly cried. She didn't want Bunny to see her tears; she didn't ever want to look weak in front of her. "I probably only stopped crying because I was unconscious!"

"You were only unconscious twice and I made him stop." Bunny defended.

Erin just stared at the woman who had given birth to her. She didn't understand how anyone could be so heartless and not care about their child as much as Bunny didn't care about her.

"I'm sorry, Erin, but you are a very hard person to love, even as a child." Bunny continued.

"Or maybe you're just not capable of loving anyone but yourself." Erin turned to leave.

"Erin?"

She didn't know what compelled her to turn back around, but she did. "What?" she asked weakly.

"Maybe I should have listened to your father about the abortion since you seem so unhappy."

Erin shook her head. "I can't wait until I get the phone call that you finally overdosed and killed yourself." She turned and walked out of the diner.

She got in her car and had driven halfway to the precinct before she realized she never got her coffee. At that point, she didn't care anymore. She didn't think she could have drank it anyway.

She pulled into the parking lot and sat in her car for a minute. She didn't even realize how upset she was until she saw red marks across her palms from how hard she had been gripping the steering wheel. She took a deep breath and picked up her phone.

To: Jay

Can you come to the parking lot?

From: Jay

Be down in a second.

She watched from her window, waiting for her boyfriend to appear. A couple minutes later, she saw him walk out. He had a smile on his face and he high-fived one of the officers on his way over to the car. He laughed at something the other man had said and Erin watched the easy relaxation on his face. She was so thankful that he never had to have a childhood like hers.

LINSTEAD LINSTEAD LINSTEAD

Jay saw Erin's car and he wondered why she hadn't just walked in. He finally got close enough to see her through her window and he knew that something had happened. She had been at the doctor's and he wondered if it had something to do with that.

He walked around to the driver's side of the car and opened her door. He crouched down so he could see her and he picked up on her nervousness immediately. She was biting her lip, her leg was bouncing, and her hands were clenched into fists.

"Hey baby." He greeted carefully. He wanted to let her take the lead on this one since he wasn't really sure what was going on.

"Can you just say it?" she practically blurted out.

"Say what?" Jay asked gently.

"That you love me. That I'm not impossible to love. That I didn't deserve to be beaten or knocked unconscious when I was a baby just because I was crying." Her bottom lip quivered as she spoke.

"I love you." He told her. "When I fell in love with you, I was scared of how easily it came. You're one of the easiest people to love that I've ever met, Erin Lindsay. You definitely didn't deserve to have anything horrible ever happen to you." He ran a hand through her hair. "What's going on? Did something happen at the doctor's?"

Erin shook her head. "I ran into Bunny."

That explained everything. Jay leaned forward and pressed his lips to hers. He wrapped her into a hug and pressed a kiss to her cheek, then her neck, and then her shoulder.

"You wanna talk about it?"

Erin nodded. "Is Hank busy?"

"I'm sure he'll clear his schedule for you." Jay stepped back so she could turn off her car and get out. Once she was standing, he grabbed her hand and walked with her into the station. He didn't care that they tried not to show PDA; right now, she needed him to be there for her and he would do it. He felt her squeeze his hand and he knew he was making the right decision.

They walked up to Intelligence and he scanned his fingerprints to let them in. He went ahead of her in the direction of Voight's office.

"The slacker finally shows up." Antonio teased.

Erin smiled, but Jay shook his head at their friend. Antonio got the message and quieted down. The two of them went straight to Voight's office, where he had a man in a suit waiting.

Hank looked up at them and when his eyes landed on Erin, he turned to the man in the suit. "Is there any way we can reschedule this for tomorrow? Something came up."

"Yes, of course." The man gathered his things and excused himself from the room. Erin and Jay entered, the latter shutting the door behind them. Hank came around and leaned against the side of his desk that was closest to them, while they took chairs.

"What happened? How was the doctor's appointment?" He smiled at his surrogate daughter. "Don't tell me you're knocked up."

"No, everything is good. The doctor was fine and I'm not pregnant." Erin said. She sighed. "I ran into Bunny at the diner down the street from the doctor's office."

Hank's face straightened immediately and Jay watched the man. He was always there to protect Erin and help her anytime she needed, and he knew that this time wouldn't be any different.

"And?" he prodded calmly. Jay could tell he was trying hard not to lose it.

"She told me all about how my father wanted her to get an abortion, but she kept me because she wanted him to love her, and then said that she should have gotten the abortion because of how unhappy I seem and told me I'm very hard to love."

Hank shook his head. "I don't know when this woman is finally going to disappear."

"I don't know why she affects me so much. Everything she says hurts so badly and I wish it wouldn't."

"Even though she is a horrible person, she's still your mother, Erin." Hank reminded her. "As bad as it is, some part of you will always care what she says."

"I hate her. I hate how she can make me feel. She told me that my father used to beat me even when I was a baby and I was knocked unconscious from it twice." Erin rehashed. "She said that was for the best because at least I was quiet for a little bit. I was a baby! How was I supposed to know any better?" she stood up and began to pace. "She said I didn't protect Nadia or Allie."

Jay kinked an eyebrow. "How does she even know about Allie?"

"She went to go visit Sarah."

"Excuse me?" Hank asked.

"She told me that Sarah's a mess without Gavin and Maddie and that's on me, then said that maybe she should have put me in foster care. Hank, what did I do?"

"What do you mean?" he wondered.

"How could I have possibly made her hate me so much?" Erin's voice was small as she asked a question she had been thinking about for years.

"Sit down." He ordered gently.

Instead of going back to her chair, Erin sat on Jay's lap. He wrapped his left arm around her waist and gently stroked her hip with his right hand. He knew that she needed Hank right now, but he was glad she had trusted him enough to bring him into the room and let him hear their conversation. He understood that there were some times where she just needed the man who raised her.

"I want you to listen to me, Erin, and if you forget this, then just ask me again because I will spend the rest of my life telling you. You did nothing wrong. You were born into a life with the odds stacked up against you. Your mother chose to be an addict, and she chose to keep using even after you were born. Your father had a history of being abused as a child, and he just did to you what he had learned from his own father. They have volatile personalities and they would have taken it out on anyone; unfortunately, you were the one who got stuck with it all. But do you wanna know something? I think you are the strongest person I have ever met. I am so proud of you and I know that if Camille was standing beside me right now, she would be telling you the same thing."

Erin took a deep breath and let it out shakily. She didn't like to cry, but Jay knew she was comfortable enough with both of the men in the room that if she needed to, she would. "I'm scared."

"Of what?" Hank prodded.

"Being like them. We already know that I have an addiction issue. What if I hurt my kids the way my father hurt me?"

"You won't." Hank said simply.

"There's nothing to prove that. Ever since Allie passed away, I've been putting myself in Sarah's shoes. I've been so desperate for drugs before that I had sex with someone. What if I had a child? I don't know if I would have given them up instead."

"You know what you have that Bunny doesn't?" Hank questioned. "You have a strength in you that your mother could never find. Bunny prays on those who are weaker than her and she manipulates and uses them until she breaks them. You're giving her what she wants, Erin. You're letting her get inside your head."

"She's already inside my head. Every time I see Jay with a child, I think about the future and the possibility of us having a child. I know that he would be the best father in the world, but then I think about myself and how I would screw it all up and it's just not worth it. I never want my child to have my life."

"Do you not see the difference?" Hank asked. "Bunny has never been able to admit she has a problem. You've gone to rehab before, you've stepped up and gotten help, you've grown up so much in the past fifteen years, and you're sitting here right now and thinking about mistakes that could be made in the future. That's how you stay on top of things. You've got too much to lose if you were to fall off the wagon again, and you know that. Yes, you've struggled, but you won the battle that so many addicts are still fighting."

Jay rubbed his girlfriend's back gently, causing her to look at him. "When we have children involved in our cases, you make them feel safe. You look after them and keep them sheltered from what's going on. You are amazing with kids, Erin. Like Voight said, you understand that you could make mistakes in the future. I don't know if something will happen that will get you hooked back on drugs, but I know that if it did, I will be by your side and fighting it with you. I will do everything I can to protect you."

"You promised me that you would leave." Erin said. "You told me after Allie died that if I ever got addicted again, you would take our kids and leave."

"I did say that, and if I thought it was getting to that point, then I would get them away from you. But I would never leave you. Erin, I love you more than any other person on this planet. You are stuck with me for the rest of your life, no matter what you do. I know that there's nothing that you could do that would be unforgivable because that's not who you are. A lot of people use their parents' mistakes as an excuse, you use yours as a guide on what not to do. I have no doubt in my mind that when we do have children one day, you will be the most amazing mother."

Erin smiled at him and leaned forward to kiss him quickly. Jay always felt uncomfortable with PDA in front of Voight, but right now, that didn't matter.

"Erin, you can do anything you set your mind to. If you want to get out from under Bunny's shadow, then I know you can do it." Hank finished.

"I love you guys." She stood up and pulled Hank into a hug.

"We love you too." He kissed her forehead. "Now, no more talk of babies. I won't be ready for that for a long time."

Erin rolled her eyes. "Please. I see the way you look at Justin and Danny. I know you can't wait to be a Grandpa again."

"I'm just happy that both of my kids found the right person for them." Hank shared a knowing look with Jay. The younger man had never heard Voight sound so approving and he couldn't help but smile. "Now get back out there and get to work."

Next up… K: Kiss It Better