Chapter 10

Frank paused at the doorway to the exam area and sadly regarded his youngest son for a moment. The boy was sitting on the table in the darkened room facing the wall away from him with his head down and his shoulders slumped forward in utter defeat now. It had taken everything left in him today to graciously meet with David Carson and accept the fire captain's profuse apology regarding the confrontation with his sister-in-law in the hallway, especially given the fact that it had occurred in front of and upset a child with the rest of the officers from the 3-5 looking on. Jamie's assurances to Captain Carson still rang in Frank's heart.

"I understand, sir," he had told the grieving man who unfortunately was no stranger himself to the sacrifices of service. "I lost my own brother to the job. I promise you there are no hard feelings. My apologies if I upset Mrs. Carson in any way... that wasn't my intention and I will respect her wishes. It was an honor, sir, to serve under the Lieutenant. I had nothing but complete regard for him." Jamie had spoken those words with direct eye contact, a firm handshake and resolve to the strongest of his vocal ability at the present, but now that he was alone his father could see what a complete toll it had taken on him. There was no doubt in Frank's mind that his son would have traded spots with either of those officers in the car today, and honestly that was the most sobering thought the commissioner had since first laying his eyes on that body in the back room.

"You all cleared?" Frank asked gruffly as his youngest jumped straighter at the sound of his voice, but failed to turn around. On his orders, Jamie had been forced to stay here against his will and submit to an exam from the staff ophthalmologist while Danny took his leave to meet up with Baez and join the task force charged with finding the shooter.

"Yeah," the broken voice affirmed as he scanned the paperwork in his hand. "Subconjunctival hemorrhage. No corneal damage or signs of retinal detachment. No treatment is required for this condition," he read out loud with emphasis on the last sentence. "Nurse just went to get me an icepack for my boo-boo. You need proof? Here it is," he griped as he threw the paper down on the table beside him. "Can I go back to Eddie now like I promised, sir? Or did I get put on a 72-hour hold upstairs in psych when I wasn't looking?"

"Jamison Reagan!" Frank thundered with a bit more voracity than he had intended, followed by immediate regret at his tone. If there was one thing he despised it was snide back talk from one of his children, but given the circumstances it could hardly be faulted, and honestly just a few hours ago Frank would have given his own life to hear that again. "Son, you are going to have to open up about this…" he trailed off as he walked in the room and put an arm around the younger man's back. He was somewhat surprised when it was quickly shrugged off... it wasn't often that his youngest rebuked his father's affection like that. Jamie had always been the most sensitive of his boys and right now Frank was not ashamed to admit that he was the one who needed the contact… to assure himself that those raw feelings that had run rampant in his heart for that terrible time today were unfounded… that he had not in fact lost another son.

"Not now, Dad," Jamie begged softly though as he pulled away, still without looking up. "Please, for the rest of the day can I just be a father and a boyfriend for once? I can't… I don't want to talk about this anymore right now. I promise to toe the family line like a good Reagan tomorrow," he added as the nurse returned with his ice and he thanked her before hopping down and walking off in the direction of Eddie's room.

Those last few comments stung both of their hearts a little as he did so.

###

"Bye-bye, sweetheart," Frank whispered in Kaylin's ear as he kissed her cheek while he remained in the hall outside of Eddie's room later that evening. She had been moved to a quiet wing on the third floor for observation that night and Jamie had made no bones about staying with her, but had conceded that it would be best for his daughter to sleep elsewhere. "Your Grandpa loves you," he added as he relinquished his hold on the little girl and handed her off to Erin who had hurried down later in the afternoon when a continuance was granted in her trial. Thankfully by the time word got to her about the shooting while she was in court, the identity of Lieutenant Carson had already been confirmed and she had been spared the adjunct horror of thinking it was her little brother instead as many of the other Reagans had been forced to endure. Still, what had happened had left her clearly shaken, and she was happy to volunteer to take her niece home for the night as a means of distraction. Kaylin loved staying with her Auntie Erin and Jamie's sister always kept spare clothing and toys at her apartment for her so there was no need for anything further. Eva had looked after the little girl for most of the day now, but she was clearly tired from the stress of the events and Frank had arranged to have her taken back to her hotel in a few minutes so she could rest. He frowned softly though as he looked through the doorway and watched as Eddie's mother hovered over her daughter for a bit while his son sat blankly in the chair next to the bed.

"You have the keys to their car, right?" he asked Erin as she cradled his granddaughter. "Eddie said there's extra things for her in a bag in there."

"I've got it, Dad," she assured as she wrapped her arm around his. "Are you doing okay? You look really tired. Have you eaten anything at all? Why don't we go downstairs and have some supper together before I go?"

"No, I'm fine," he assured with a tired voice that blatantly dispelled that notion. "It's just been a helluva day," he admitted before turning to give her a small smile. "I'm only staying long enough to see you and Eva off before I go check in on the Rodgers family now that they've brought him out of surgery. I'll run home then at least for the night and make sure Pop is okay. He'll be upset with me for keeping him away, but he's just getting over being sick and he didn't need the stress of reliving all this again."

"None of us did," Erin replied softly as she squeezed his hand and regarded her brother once more. "You're worried about Jamie." It was a statement, not a question.

"Of course," Frank answered thoughtfully. "He's not processing any of this well… so many things happened today... I don't even know which direction to approach him from. He looks like he's been thrown in the middle of a pinball machine and he pushed me away earlier," he admitted with deep regret.

"Me too," Erin confessed as she recalled her brother's stark flat countenance when she tried to talk to him after she'd arrived. "You know how he can be over things like this… we've just gotta keep pushing back," she advised. "But I think we need to let Eddie go first this time. If anyone can reach him right now it will be her."

"Yes, I'm sure you're right," Frank agreed as they watched Eva finish her goodbyes and make her way out of the room. "My driver will be here for you in just a minute," he advised the older woman as she joined them in the hall.

"Thank you, Frank," Eva acknowledged after Kaylin kissed her Nagyanya good night and Erin said a few words before excusing herself to take the child home.

"I'm sorry this has all but ruined your visit with Edit," he stated. "I know she was looking forward to spending this time with you."

"Well, yes, to a point I'm sure she was," the Janko woman admitted with a frown. "I've not handled things very well with my daughter in the last few years since her father's arrest, and I regret that," she admitted in a surprisingly candid fashion after a long pause. "Today, though… seeing her in that dress looking so happy and the way she is with that child… for a moment…" she trailed off. "Then watching what she went through later… that was simply dreadful. There's no doubt she loves Jamison, but I'm not sure this is the right life for her," she added softly with a shake of the head. "Would you ever wish to see your child in that much pain?" she asked as she looked up at him.

"No, of course not," Frank admitted as he looked back into the room; Eddie was clearly doing the talking but Jamie had not budged from his seat just yet. "My son is in a great deal of pain right now, too," he added. "It weighs on my heart and it's not what his mother wanted for him either, but this is the life of their choosing and there are more days where the rewards outweigh the sadness."

"Until there aren't," Eva remarked bluntly. "As obviously you are well aware after what happened to your Joseph. My daughter would have ceased to exist today if Jamison had been in that car," she paused with a heavy sigh. "I cannot intervene now or she would disown me completely, but know that I do not approve," she revealed. "Thank you for the car tonight. I will call for a taxi to return tomorrow morning. They have some more tests planned then for Edit to see if she will be allowed home, and I intend to stay until my flight on Wednesday evening."

"I understand," Frank acknowledged as Baker appeared around the corner down the hall. "Detective Baker will see you to your hotel. Please don't hesitate to call if you need anything. Good night, Eva," he added.

"Good night, Frank," she answered, and he watched her walk away, the words she had spoken still echoing behind in his mind. Perhaps this wasn't the right life for any of them anymore.

###

"Jamie, are you sure you don't want anything to eat? They brought so much and I'm not really hungry either. This headache makes my stomach turn," Eddie complained as she pushed her tray away from the bed. "The pudding is decent if you just want to try some of that."

"No, I'm good, thanks," he responded in a tired voice from his spot hunched to the side in the chair with his feet propped up on the bed railing. They were short on distractions as she was not really supposed to watch TV because of the flickering lights, and the little he had caught with the sound off while she was asleep before had revolved around breaking news stories on the shooting and the efforts of the NYPD to find gunman and he had quickly turned that off. That was for Danny and his father to worry about right now and he found himself surprisingly without any sense of need to immerse himself in it yet since he knew there was no way his family would have allowed him anywhere near the precinct tonight anyway. He resolved to lock that part away for the next few hours and stay with Eddie, knowing full well that tomorrow would bring back the heavy responsibilities of the badge he wore since it would be all hands on deck otherwise until the cop-killer was brought to justice. Tomorrow he wouldn't have a choice as he was scheduled for first shift, and now with the Lieutenant gone he'd be needed to fill in again… it was his duty. However, no one had shared the fact with him that there had already been some re-configuring of the ranks and a familiar face would be awaiting him once he got there. Frank Reagan was already three steps ahead of his own son in this chess game and he knew the stakes were likely very high for all of them.

"Will you come sit with me?" she asked as she scootched over on the bed and made room for him. Ever since first putting eyes on him in that hallway… before the widow Carson drained everything that was left of him away with her actions… all Eddie had wanted was to lay in bed next to Jamie and cuddle like they did on lazy Saturday mornings when they both had off and Kaylin was either sleeping in or right there between them chattering away. It seemed so strange right now not to hear her little voice begging for yet another story or just "two more minutes, p'ease!" for whatever else she found interesting at that time. Two minutes turned into twenty more often than not as the little girl was highly skilled at the art persuasion, especially with her daddy who had been firmly wrapped around that little pinky from day one. The only ones worse with her were Henry and Frank, and they usually claimed wildcards as grandfathers and said they were not required to adhere to anything as silly as bedtime rules.

Jamie likewise conceded to Eddie's plea without argument and joined her on the bed, sinking down quickly with his head below her on the pillow while she propped herself up on an elbow and fussed over him, running her fingers gently through his uncharacteristically messy hair while being careful to avoid the bruised area to the side so as to not remind him of it. Surely the two of them would look like quite a matching set for a while and it was a good thing it wasn't time for the wedding pictures just yet she thought ruefully. The nurses on duty had offered him the use of one of the staff full baths down the hall when they discovered he intended to stay the night since the fact that he was a cop and Linda's brother-in-law made him practically kin in their eyes, but he had yet to take them up on it, unwilling to leave her again just yet.

"You could really use a shower, Reagan," she reminded him, hoping that small, careless talk might break him out of the shell he had covered himself with so tightly already. Eddie wasn't naive enough to think that any of this was going to pass by lightly and she couldn't imagine all the feelings that might be coursing through him after the events of the day. She had seen the worried glances of the family though, and the way he had shut them out so she was determined to approach him with great caution and not push too hard or too soon for anything. Right now she was just overwhelmingly grateful to have him beside her. Everything that had sent her into such a tailspin earlier had been resolved while his burdens had only continued to mount and grow heavier by the hour it seemed.

"Why, do I stink that bad?" he murmured with his face still shuttered and blank. Being next to her like this was the only thing he had wanted since laying eyes on her himself earlier that day.

"Yeah, you kinda do."

"Deal with it," he answered with his eyes closed as he savored her touch. "I'll go later when you're sleeping again," he offered, "or maybe I'll wait until morning before I leave for shift."

Eddie's hands immediately stopped roving in their small soft circles as she closed her eyes and braced her mind against that comment. Call it her own sense of denial but after everything it hadn't even occurred to her yet that he would be going back to work so soon since he had all but planned on taking the next two days on leave to rest and escort her mother out to the McPherson's. "I thought you said you were taking tomorrow off to get better," she questioned softly.

"Can't now, Ed. You know that. Everyone is on extended tours… I have to, it's expected…" he trailed off.

"Expected why? Because you're a sergeant or because you're a Reagan?"

One tired, almost soulless eye slipped open and stared back at her, the one with the ugly red streak through the bottom that perfectly reflected the day. It made Eddie's already weak stomach churn once more at the sight of it. "Both," he replied evenly, leaving no doubt she had just crossed that tenuous line that she had vowed to tread lightly on. The window soon shut again as the shade came down and she was locked out from his thoughts once more. Time to chip away carefully from another vantage point.

"So where do we start?" she asked, hoping the cryptic question might draw another few words out of him. It worked, to a point, but in the end fell rather flat.

"Start what?"

"On the house. I mean it's just sitting there now. We've gotta do something with it or we'll never move in, right? What's first? The roof?"

"I guess," he muttered with more of an air of burden than excitement. "Maybe it's too much," he added softly.

"Too much what? Money for the roof? We talked about that. I have enough in my savings to cover it."

"Too much house… too much to handle, especially for you in case something would happen…" he stopped himself before he finished the thought, but there was a kind of stark resolve there that frightened her to no end; Jamie sounded almost resigned to the fact that one day it would indeed be him in the car and this had all been some kind of dry run for them. Eddie stared back in shock… he had always been without fail a glass-half-full kinda guy, and with that one comment seemed to have shifted to someone without a drop of water to his name.

"Please don't talk like that," she begged quietly, stepping fully over that line and driving him back in the shadows once more.

"There but for the grace of God went I again today, Ed…" he replied softly. "How many times can that happen before my luck finally runs out? Three in one year?... so soon after Vinny?" he added, of course referring to the fact that he survived when he was shot in the vest while his former partner died in the Bitterman courtyard after being struck just inches away from the same spot before he and Eddie had even met, then there was the pneumonia from last summer and that awful explosion at the Bridgewater construction site the previous December that had left him trapped, hypothermic and essentially dead for over a half hour before he walked away from it with barely a scratch, and now this… how close had he come once more? It didn't take a degree in psychology to see that survivor's guilt had firmly entrenched itself within his heart and that the events today coupled with Mrs. Carson's actions had likely buttered the last brick with a fast-acting heavy-duty mortar and slid it in place to close him behind the wall, maybe for good.

She watched in dismay as he got up and walked to the door without looking at her. "I'll be back," he assured with no conviction as he had shown her just a crack of the darkness he was in right now and needed to go find that space to grieve alone to sweep it back inside again. "I guess I do need to get cleaned up after all."

I warned you in the beginning that this story could get kinda dark and angst-ridden at times. Just where the flow went… gotta pull everyone apart before putting them back together, right? Jamie's sure been through a lot physically before, but this might be his toughest challenge yet and no one realizes he's not safe. Next up, Sergeant Reagan attempts to return to duty but finds an unexpected obstacle in his way.

Please keep reviewing. It appears as of yesterday the site needs a little fixing again a la Frank Reagan-style "If it's stuck, hit it with a hammer," as the reviews are floating in a queue in cyberspace somewhere and won't post until that gets done. Seems to happen every few months. I can read and reply to them via email in the meantime and they will all show up on the page eventually. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to comment.