Chapter 10

Jemima was cleaning, the whole flat, from floor to ceiling. She ripped out everything from every cupboard in the kitchen, threw things that had gone long past their eat-by date, cleaned off the surfaces and put everything in, in a nice order that calmed her. Cleaning was the best thing to do when she was stressed or anxious, it made her feel at ease and like she at least had something that she could control.

Why had Harry kissed her? She kind of hated him for ruining everything, and at the same time she just felt very, very sad. This wasn't what she wanted, she told herself, over and over again. She did not want their friendship ruined and she didn't want anything else either. Why did people always have to make the simple complicated?

In the late afternoon, Jemima was going crazy with the hoover. She had her earplugs in, listening to her happy music, dancing along, while she pushed the hoover around the flat. In a more quiet part of the song, she thought she heard a bell ringing. She took out one earplug and listened, but there was nothing, so she continued. A few seconds later, there it was again, and this time it really was the doorbell. She went to the buzzer, expecting it to be her neighbour, who always left his keys.

"Hello," she answered.

"Hi."

It was him. Well, he probably just wanted to say sorry, that it had been a mistake and that it was best if they just ignored it and everything should go back to normal. Of course, that's what he was going to say. Stop being such an immature kid, Jemima, she told herself angrily. It was just a kiss.

"Hi, I'll let you in." she said. She leaned her back against the wall, trying to get her nerves under control. It was all going to go back to normal soon.

Two minutes later, there was a knock on the door, right beside her. She took one last deep breath before she opened it.

Harry looked about as nervous as she felt. This was hopefully not going to be as awkward as they both feared.

"Hi," he said. "Can I come in?"

Jemima realized she was completely blocking the way in and moved aside. He walked inside and she followed him. He sat down on the back of the sofa, looking down at the floor. Jemima leaned against the kitchen counter, her arms crossed, without her even realizing it.

"I wanted to talk to you," he said quietly, without looking at her. "I was thinking about yesterday and how you said before that you really didn't want a relationship or anything. And I thought I could do that. I mean, just be friends with you. And that's what I was going to say now, but… But I can't." He almost whispered the last words.

"What?" Jemima said, a little more anger in her voice than she had intended.

This isn't happening, she thought. This is not supposed to happen.

"I am in love with you," Harry said, now looking straight at her. She felt like he was burning a hole right through her and everything they had shared together just fell apart. When he first said it, the same exact moment, he had looked so hopeful. But as soon as he saw her immediate reaction, that there was absolutely no chance of this ending well, it changed completely. He sounded a little panicked when he continued:

"I can't pretend that I'm not, anymore. And I'm really sorry, I didn't mean for it."

Jemima couldn't believe what she was hearing. Well, actually, she could. Not specifically that he was in love with her, but that someone in a boy-girl friendship decided to ruin it all. She had hoped that cliché wouldn't be true with them, but apparently, that was exactly what was happening.

"How long?" she asked. She couldn't hide how disappointed or angry she was. Somewhere, in the back of her mind, a quiet voice shouted at her that this really wasn't his fault and that she was being mean, but she ignored it completely.

"I don't know", Harry tried, but she gave him a look that said he better remember then and answer her question honestly. "I mean… I liked you from the start. But then you said you didn't want anything like that and I decided that at least we could be friends. But then… It didn't work."

"Oh! So here I've been, thinking I could share things with you and that I had an actual FRIEND. And the whole time you've just wanted to get me into bed?" She felt betrayed. Like he had just pretended a whole friendship.

"What? No! Not like that. It's not like that."

"Well, I actually believed that two people could actually be real friends, without ever throwing the fact that they have two different kinds of genetalia into it all. But I guess you've just proved that to be wrong."

"Jemima, stop that", Harry was getting less sorry about it all and more angry. "That's not what I'm saying. I did not plan for this from the start, it JUST HAPPENED!"

"Sure! So when I specifically told you I did not like people that way and didn't want anyone to feel that way about me, you just decided that you were going to be different I would change my mind? Don't you see how fucking mean that is. To expect that from me, when I made everything clear right from the start. I don't want you. I never did."

"Like I said, I thought I could be your friend and the part of me liking you in that way would go away eventually. But it hasn't and I can't not say anything about it anymore." He stood up and she backed away from him. She didn't want to be anywhere close to him and he looked like he felt the same about her. "And it's not all about you, Jemima. You don't get to make all the rules. You can't decide how I'm supposed to feel. It doesn't fucking work that way."

"No, maybe it doesn't. But I can decide who I want in my life and who I don't. And you just can't be here if that's the way you feel."

They had been basically screaming at each other, one as angry as the other. But when she said that, Harry went quiet. She could see how much she had hurt him, but she couldn't change her mind. That was how it all started. The losing yourself and not knowing what was you and what was your crazy, stupid feelings.

"Well, then I'm out", was the last thing Harry said, before he walked out the room, slamming the front door shut.

Jemima didn't know what to do. For days, she went through life in a sort of vacuum. She knew she had hurt Harry, bad. And she missed him. She missed her best friend.

But then she remembered that he wasn't really her friend. Well, he was, but since he wanted more, he couldn't be. It was this kind of mess she had wanted to avoid. To depend on someone, someone whom in the end had to choose themselves and she could only follow or be alone.

So she had chosen to be alone. That was what she had promised herself, when everything had gone to hell last time. She couldn't be so weak that she fell down this hole again. She had to just walk through it all and she would come out okay on the other side.

The days at work passed too quickly. There, she could focus on what she was supposed to do and not think about the mess she had waiting for her when she came home. The mess that was her, walking around the flat, not being able to read a book, because her mind couldn't be focused on one thing for more than five minutes. She cleaned, obsessively, every millimetre of the flat. She was lonely and sometimes found herself cursing out loud, over the fact that Harry had ruined everything.

She had been fine before. She hadn't felt lonely, but actually content with her little life. It might not have seemed like much to others, but to her it had been just enough. She had been happy working in a place she loved, reading amazing books and getting totally lost in them. She didn't need too many people in her life, because they did just this; cause messes.

Jemima went to her sister's baby shower. She didn't enjoy it. She had been looking forward to it, just days earlier. But now her sister's friends annoyed her, she didn't want to talk to anyone and she hated that those friends for some reason had decided that the baby, with a still unknown sex, was a girl. They had bought a lot of pink and Jemima hated them all and wondered why people always had to buy pink for a girl and blue for a boy. It was just stupid.

When she came home that night, she decided that if she ever had a baby, it would have a unisex name and always wear just black.