Author's Notes:

Wecome to the next half-chapter installment. I know you probably hate these shortie chapters, but I promise as usual that I will upload the next in a few days time.

I'm not sure if many of you have been busy or if anyone actually dropped reading the story TT I hope the direction I'm taking didn't scare anyone off. If it did, I'm sad that your gone but I'm not sorry...the story is taking it's own path even if no one reads. If you don't know where I'm coming from, it's because I got like...two reviews. Don't get me wrong, if you reviewed it made me really happy I'm just worrying that I'm scareing people off somehow. Ah well, anyway...A warning for those who are continuing to read: From this point inward within the next several chapters the story may (or may not) contain any of the following: Angst, Christmas themed chapter, suggested or light shounen ai, suggested or light shoujo ai. Lighthearted fluff, depression and as usual swearing.

Please stick with me as I will continue to write to the best of my abilities! I have been blocking for almost a weak now, but I think I'm getting better now. I will probably upload the muse fic I have been working on in the meantime while I have been blocked on this one, please don't think I'm quitting.

LOVE YOU ALL! PLEASE ENJOY!

Chapter 7.5 – Hazy Shade of Winter

The noonday sun illuminated Edward Elric's bedroom. Envy's eyes slowly opened, blinking away the last curls of sleep as the previous night's memories flooded back to him. The fight, the ride home...everything. When they had finally gotten to the Elric household, they had all gathered in Edward's room to sit for a while, each one slowly nodding off to sleep. Nobody had volunteered to or suggested moving to another room. Instead they had all crashed in various places around the bedroom. Envy laid perfectly still even though he was awake. He stared at the far wall until his depth perception returned and the forms of Greed and Martel became less blurry. They were curled around each other. Greed had fallen asleep sitting up against the wall of the room 'That dork.' Envy thought to himself. Martel had been sitting in front of him and was now snaked across his lap, snoring gently.

A little closer slept two forms. Envy couldn't tell where blond met brunette in the close-knit tangled mass that was Sheska and Winrey. 'I sometimes wonder about those two...' Envy noted. Directly in front of him was Wrath, breathing softly against his chest. He sighed, twitching his fingers and then running them through his brother's hair. He winced as he remembered just how much had happened the night before and wondered how it would effect the little guy. Envy's eyes fluttered shut again, dozing until he felt movement against his back. Suddenly cold air rushed against the newly exposed skin and skintight fabric. He rolled over, careful not to disturb the sleeping Wrath in his arms. Edward was sitting on the edge of the bed, rubbing his eyes slowly with his flesh hand. Envy remembered last night. How when they returned home Edward had given up hiding his prosthetics out of sheer tiredness. Still he hadn't taken them off, opting to sleep with his arm and leg still attached. Envy smiled slightly at how the little bit of metal sticking out from Ed's missing shoulder glinted in the sunlight. Ed's hand reached around behind him to pull the hairband from the ends of his hair. It had nearly come out during the night. He tried to replace it, but his fingers were clumsy in the early-morning stupor the previous nights stress had caused. Carefully Envy rose and deftly he took the rubber band from Edward, his other hand on the boy's shoulder to silence any protests. He ran his fingers quickly through the teen's yellow locks and he put it up in a soft ponytail at the base of Ed's neck. The boy sighed and turned.

"Sorry if I bothered you last night. I'm only used to having Al in my bed, so I can get a little...snuggle..ley.." He mumbled, his words slurred with sleepiness. "I put you next to me on purpose because I didn't really know anyone else and Al fell asleep in the chair." He nodded toward an armchair in the corner of the room with a blanket haphazardly thrown over it.

"S'okay Ed-o..." Envy said, looking down. He still didn't feel like saying much. Whenever he opened his mouth to speak he felt sick, ever since last night. No more words seemed necessary as they both rose and moved towards the door. Envy looked back one more time to find Wrath had turned over and was now snoozing against Sheska's back. With that he followed his friend down the stairs and into the kitchen. Something smelled good and Envy close his eyes as he stepped in. Pancakes. He opened his eyes and saw Alphonse humming happily to himself while pouring batter onto a sizzling pan. Envy nearly fell down as he collided with Ed who had stopped suddenly in front of the kitchen door. The older teen looked up, eager to find out what Ed had stopped for. He immediately regretted it and took a hesitant step back.

"I..Izumi..?" He stuttered. The woman was reading a newspaper at the Elric's kitchen table and sipping coffee from a small blue mug. Slowly she turned and met eyes with Edward and Envy. Both boys were frozen in place. Izumi had a deadly serious look on her face as she rose and stalked towards them. Ed backed up until he was right next to Envy. The first blow struck the dark-haired teen, a flat-handed slap to the face. The second blow was the back of her hand against the blond's cheek with equal force.

"WHY THE HELL DIDN'T EITHER OF YOU TWO IDIOTS CALL ME?! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED!" She barked, somehow causing more hurt than being slapped in the face. Both teens gave her a shocked and slightly ashamed look. With a suddenness that made them both gasp, one arm was hooked around either of their necks, pulling them into a tight embrace (And pulled Envy down a little to match Ed's height).

"Next time...don't be so rash. Please...I can't...survive losing any more children..." She whispered into their ears. Ed hooked one flesh arm around Izumi's shoulder. Envy did the same on the other side. "Please don't be so reckless with your lives."

After a few moments she released them so that they could all sit at the table. Edward turned to his brother.

"Hey...How come Al didn't get-" He began, but his question was answered when Al turned his head to the side. He too, had a fading red mark where Izumi must have slapped him.

Silence engulfed the room while they ate. For as sick and distant as he felt, Envy found it easy to stomach several pancakes, convincing him once again that it was probably all in his head. He got up to clear his plate. Edward quickly followed suit, grabbing Envy gently by his uninjured wrist before the teen had a chance to return to the table.

"Hey...um...will you go somewhere...with me later?" He asked. It struck Envy as odd, how shyly Edward was asking about this, but then again, he wasn't exactly in a position to talk about people not acting like themselves. He nodded slowly.

"I...let me take a shower first..." He said.

--

Envy stepped out of the shower, dried his hair to the best of his abilities (without having a blow dryer or an iron) and grabbed the clothes Alphonse had picked out for him to change into. The pants were (thankfully) long enough, due to the fact that Al was only a few inches shorter than himself and wore his clothes a little looser than he or Edward. The long sleeve shirt he was left was blue and black striped. Envy actually liked it a little, and it was warm. He assumed Alphonse had taken the clothing he had been wearing before as it was no longer in front of the door where he had left it. 'Good riddance.' he thought to himself. He didn't think he could ever see himself like that again. What happened that night was something incredibly inhuman...

There was a knock at the door.

"Come in." Envy replied, surprised at how weak his own voice still sounded. The door creaked open and a pair of large, amethyst eyes peered at him from under a mane of black. "Hi Wrath..." Envy said, relaxing a little to know it was just Wrath. The little one slipped inside and closed the door behind him. He was still wearing his clothes from the night before, sans the jacket, and his hair was a mess. As he got closer Envy noticed something in the boy's eyes...they looked lost, distant. Scared. Envy got his feet and cross the room, griping wrath by the shoulders. "What's wrong...are you okay?" Wrath shook his head. He bit his lip before tears formed in his eyes.

"I'm sorry!" He cried suddenly, falling into Envy's arms. The teen caught him with ease, still looking rather confused and worried.

"About what?" He asked.

"You told me to be strong yesterday...and I tried really really hard...and..." He cried, burying his face into his brother's arm. Envy waited patiently for the heaving sobs to cease. "And...I just can't anymore...I've been trying and.." Wrath hiccuped, trying to regain his breath.

"Breath..." Envy instructed.

"Can I please stop being strong now?" Wrath asked. Envy pulled him up to meet his gaze.

"I...had no idea. I'm sorry Wrath. I didn't know you were trying to be strong this whole time! I only meant for you to tough it out until we were safe from Tucker...I'm so sorry...my little brother." He pulled Wrath close to him. "You don't have to be strong anymore...It's okay. You don't have to be tough...I've gotcha, and you know what? So does Izumi...and Al...and Ed-o...and even Sheska. Shh...its okay...it's okay." Envy comforted. He was on the verge of tears himself. Emotions mixed inside him...anger at himself for not being good enough to keep Wrath from danger, at no knowing how to deal...at wanting to break down himself right now. He kept it all in though. It was important to calm Wrath down right now...

Finally after some time Wrath's crying stopped, and so did his shaking. Envy knew, even as he stood to leave the room, that this was not the end of the aftermath for his little brother. There would be long-term repercussions for this tragedy. Envy had no idea how he was going to deal with them, either. Envy stepped out of the bedroom again, Envy following him. Izumi was on the couch in the living room and Ed was putting his shoes on. He had already gotten ready to go and gave Envy a distant smile when he spotted him. Izumi got up.

"Here...so you don't freeze to death with no fat on your poor bones." Izumi said quietly. She unfolded a sweater that had been sitting on the coffee table. "I made it for you...it's your early Christmas present. I was bringing it over to you when I realized what had happened." She explained. Envy almost never liked sweaters, but this one was just about perfect. It was a long one, tunic-style with a belt sewn to it. The neckline was loose and exposed one shoulder of his undershirt. The sweater was solid black and fit him perfectly.

"Th...thanks 'zumi...I really like it..." He admitted, a pale pink tinging his cheeks. He was far not used to receiving gifts.

"Come on, Wrath...your brother and Edward are going out...want me to read you a book?" Izumi said, meeting Envy's gaze with a steady, knowing look. Envy gave her a thankful smile as Wrath nodded. He slipped from behind his brother to cling to Izumi's shirt-tails. Envy watched as she sat with his little brother and began to read a children's book she had brought.

At length, Edward dragged him away. They stepped out off the porch. It was still snowing, and everything was covered in a perfectly even layer of white. Their tracks from stumbling home were gone...the whole world buried in a traceless perfect white.

--

"I hope you don't mind...I found out when Sheska looked you up." Ed said, not meeting Envy's eyes. They were at the gates of a large, beautiful cemetery. "Actually...I came for myself too. My Mom is here...I thought you might like to...meet her." He admitted. Envy nodded slowly but still said nothing. He hadn't said more than a few sentences since the early morning, which was unusual for the talkative teen. His eyes scanned over the familiar landscape. Yes he knew this place all too well. Somewhere among these graves was one with the name "Juliette Douglass" upon it. When Envy looked back, Edward was already trudging up a path he obviously knew well. He followed at some distance until Ed stopped, looking back at him until he caught up. There was something about the absolute silence that made Envy feel peacefully suppressed, like being under a blanket after a very long day. They walked together in silence, angels and stone tombs staring silently at them with engraved eyes. Finally they came to a small headstone next to a large tree. Edward's gloved hand brushed the snow from the angled stone, revealing a copper plate. There was an image of a beautiful woman on it, and underneath was the name Trishia S. Elric, just above the dates she had lived and died. At the bottom was a quote.

"What we do is just a drop in the ocean. But if that drop was not in the ocean, I think the ocean would be less because of that missing drop"

Envy read it slowly. His eyes fell on the engraved image of Edward's Mother once again, then turned his gaze to realize Edward was watching him. The blond turned to the stone and knelt before it, placing his fingertips on the quote.

"Mom loved mother Teresa. This is the quote she always said to us, right Mom?" He said. His voice was soft and edged with an amazing peace. "She also used to say 'We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of feeling unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty."

The words struck a chord somewhere inside of Envy's heart, even as numb as he felt right now. He opened his mouth to speak, but Edward was already talking to someone else.

"Sorry it's been so long Mom...It's been pretty busy. Al wanted me to tell you hello for him." Edward was speaking to the gravestone, stroking it gently along the edges like an old friend who was still resting on an early morning, or like an elderly loved one who was sleeping. "I'm sure you saw what happened last night...kind of scary, facing my own death like that, but we all survived. We still haven't heard from Dad except to get his checks in the mail. I'm doing good in school, for the most part. I have made a couple new friends...I brought one of them to meet you..." He paused, motioning for Envy to come over. The black-haired teen hesitated, but with a little more encouragement from Edward, he knelt in the snow in front of the headstone. "This is Envy, Mom...I think you would have liked him.

"I don't know about all that." Envy said slowly, staring at the ground.

"Nonsense," Ed turned to his friend. "Mom would have loved you...See, Envy...You know how Al is? How he looks at everyone with those eyes unguarded by hatred, fear or anger...or judgment? How he is content to just be, to just smile and love...He's the spitting image of Mom. He's so much like her...it makes me happy and sad at the same time." He turned his attention back to his 'mother'. "Isn't that right Mom? Al always was yours...I was always so much like Dad. I don't know how we are making it without either of you. Sometimes I wish I knew how to fix you...but that's foolish. I was going to bring flowers this time, but it's too cold...I think they would die. I will bring some next time, I promise...please continue to bless me, Al and our new friends." He said. Envy couldn't help but watch the younger teen. It was amazing how he spoke without reserve as if his mother were as plain as day right there. Still, Envy hadn't seen his own mother's grave once since she had died, even though it was so close. He dreaded it somewhere in the pit of his stomach.

"Hey, Envy?" Ed asked. "Do you mind if I say hello to your Mom too? I want to tell her something..." Envy saw it coming. He nodded slowly and stood, offering a hand to his friend who gladly accepted it. He walked. He knew where the grave was, he just hadn't ever been there.

--

I glance over at Edward as we walk. He actually has a small smile on his face. Something feels strange in my stomach and my throat as we get closer, approaching the absolutely plain headstone. It looks small and lonely here, but sure enough her name is written on it. I pause, thinking of everything that's happened. Ed's footsteps stop in the snow too, and he turns to look at me. His eyes are locked on mine and it's as if I can see into his mind, and he can see into mine. His thoughts burrow into mine. It can feel him reading my pain. I can feel it all coming to the surface under that gaze of his. He's looking at me knowing what it's like to know you don't have parents. He knows what it's like to realize that no one is going to catch you when you fall now. That feeling of all the safety nets and training wheels being ripped away from you. We are still children...only children in this huge, dangerous world, made only more dangerous by the mistakes of the past. I can feel my face grow hot as all my mistakes run through my mind at once. I am powerless against the stinging in my eyes, twinging in my nose. My lower lip quivers and my legs want to give out as the world sinks out from under me. The sight of her grave drives me over the edge and I break. I'm on my knees again in the snow. I suffocate for a moment before taking a sharp breath of icy air into my lungs. I realize she's really gone...that they all are. It wasn't really real until now.

Nothing seemed real until just now. It was all some crazy dream to me, but realize all in one painful moment that it's not some sick storybook...I watched the knife plunge into my mother's body over and over...I watched as blood poured from her mouth, as her eyes glazed over with the turn of death and I felt Wrath wailing in my arms as I was forced to flee from my only mother's dying moments. I'm crying openly now, tears landing in the snow a burrowing their way into the cold flakes. Suddenly I hear something crunch in front of me. I fall forward, trusting blindly that he's there to catch me. My arms wrap tightly around his waist and into the soft front of his jacket I lose myself to my manic tears.

"She's really gone...I'm...completely alone, Ed. No-one is going to take care of me now...No-one is ever going to take care of me. I can't take care of myself forever Ed, I just can't. I'm so fucked up...how can I ever expect to be good enough to raise my brother, how? Who's going to watch me grow up? Who is...who is going to be proud of me when I graduate highschool? Who's going to meet my first boyfriend? Who will I go to...when I don't know what to do? I ca...i caha...hic..." I cant even finish my sentence. My face is soaked and my chest shudders with every breath. Edward pets my head softly. I mutter inaudible things, ranting about how I am ashamed of myself for killing a man. How I don't know what's wrong or right...how I wish I could just be a child instead of having to try so damn hard to be an adult. Ed is very patient, and that makes me even more upset. I apologize again and again through my sobs. I'm completely lost...like a baby. My hands are bunched up in Ed's jacket as I slide sideways, nearly in hysterics. I don't want to hear it's all going to be okay. I don't want to grow up and stop acting like a child. I want to cry...I just want to cry. I don't want to be full of hatred. I don't want to blow drama up bigger than it should be, i just want to be allowed to feel the things that have happened to me...

"I don't want to feel like I deserve this pain anymore. I don't deserve it...do I?" I plead, hoping to anyone he doesn't say yes. I look up into his face. I must look an awful mess now, my eyes all red and my nose is probably pink and shiny. My face is probably tear-streaked and wet. I can taste the salt as tears roll over my lips. I know it's not a time for vanity, but I feel so insecure under his gaze.

"No-one deserves this, Envy. No matter what. But things like this...they happen. Bad things happen to good people sometimes..." Edward's eyes brimmed with tears as well as he held his friend.

"I'm sorry..." Envy muttered again, wiping his eyes off with the now damp edges of his sweater.

"Don't appologize...Envy...I won't ever run away from your emotions, no matter what they are, so quit being afraid that I will." Ed said. His tone could have been mistaken for harsh, if the statement hadn't meant so much.

At length they both finally rise, just to stop in front of the grave marked "Juliette Douglass" Ed looked at his friend, who nodded.

"Hi there, Mrs. Douglass...I'm Edward Elric. I'm a friend of your son, Envy. It's nice to finally meet you. I wanted to tell you something very important. You should be very proud of your children. They have done...so well. They've had to face some tough things, but they have pulled through it and they're alive. Envy is doing a great job taking care of Wrath. I promise to bring you some flowers next time I come. Oh, and you should be proud of your nephew. Him and his friend saved our lives. Please continue to watch over us all." He finished, nodding to the headstone. He rose, and Envy took the signal, standing on numb and wobbling legs. Ed's hand shot out to catch the other teen's elbow and steady him. When they were both ready they walked back towards the gate.

"How do you do it?" Envy asked quietly as they walked

"Do...what?" Ed replied, puzzled.

"Talk to them like that...and feel better? How can you..." Envy waved his hands in the air before them, trying to get the word to come to his mind. "Make it seem like they are really here?" Edward shrugged.

"I just do? I don't know...I guess I just have. I relied on Mom to get me through her own death if that makes sense...I sort of...just kept talking to her even after she was gone, if only to have someone to talk to." He explained. Envy stopped walking.

"C...can I...say something to your Mother?" Envy asked hesitantly. Ed blinked at him a moment and then smiled.

"Yeah! Just...turn up this way..." He showed Envy the path they had taken earlier and guided him to Trishia's headstone. Envy stood before it, looking quite nervous.

"I um...hello...Mrs. Trishia. I um...think we have met before. You see..er..." he paused to look at Edward, who held his palm out in an encouraging way, as if to say 'go on' Envy looked back at the stone image of Ed's mother. "You were a good friend of my Mother's quite some time back, when I was little. She would keep your emergancy medicine for you at her house. Well, I took the bottle when we cleaned out our old house after Mom...died. I had some a while back and it freaked me out. I'm sorry for that but...it made me...realize who my friends were, so um...thanks I guess." He stopped, fidgeting with his fingers until something seemed to pop into his head. "Oh, and I have a favor to ask of you. If, wherever you are, you meet the hotel clerk on the other side...tell him...thanks. For everything. He did a wonderful and kind thing. Please give him and his boyfriend our reguards." With that Envy nodded and stood. He placed one hand on the grave before walking back to Ed. They began the long trip home, walking in a peaceful silence the whole way.

--

Author's Post-notes

This was a very hard chapter for me to write. I cried, a lot...

It hits home because two years, three months ago my mom died due to complications from cancer. Everything Envy thinks about his mother, I have felt in my real world. This whole scene was mostly an expression and realization of the breakdowns I have had. I've been there, that is what it's like for someone who is close to their parent(s) to lose one. My mother was my everything, I still feel broken without her, but somehow writing this chapter...it made me feel like I was able to let go somewhat more.

So thank you, those of you who shared this with me (and Envy ;) and Ed...) I feel like I'm discovering myself writing this.

So, On to the usuals!!

Next Chapter!

Chapter 8 – What's this life for?:

Someone wise once said "The breakdown always comes before the breakthrough..." This fact can be true in many respects. When you've been through so much...something has got to give eventually. No-one is unshakable.

Winrey returns home and must face her Grandmother...but even more frightening, herself.

Envy knows little about the enigmatic Riza who always hovers near Roy Mustang, Ed's half-asian non-friend. A chance encounter could be his chance to understand a little more about her... And who is this unusual group of people approaching Envy out of nowhere?

"I don't want to ask him! Why do you guys always make me do stuff!"

"Listen, someone needs to ask him, I'm pretty sure if we have him people will take this more seriously."

--

DISCLAIMERS! DO NOT OWN: FMA, the graveyard, Mother Theresa, or the Bangles, who sing the ABSOLUTELY AMAZING song Hazy Shade of Winter (I have been in love with that song since I was ten.)

LOVE YOU ALL!

Please review! i live to hear from readers and I reply to every signed review!