Absent

Chapter 10

Separate Destinations

"What aren't you telling me? Why have you only told me about our shared life and not how you lead yours?"

"I joined the army." Riza answered honestly. There was no reason not to. This was going nowhere. "I left here and became a soldier because there was someone I wanted to protect. Not something, someone."

"The apprentice you mentioned. Roy."

"Yes. Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist." Riza replied and then added, "Father was right, it is a weapon of such horrible power that it should have never been in the hands of the government. We were naive and we were shown how very wrong we were in the desert of Ishval. We don't deny that or the atrocities we committed now, we seek redemption and Roy is the only one who can change this country and put it back in the hands of the people. He...would not be on this path if it wasn't for me. He'd be happy."

"You still sound naive to me. If the country is so bad you have to change it than why do you think it's going to be better without your interference?"

"Maybe there is equivalent exchange after all." Riza answered. "In exchange for this power we have both suffered... but without our suffering we would still be blind to what needs to be done. We wanted to save people and were willing to sacrifice our lives to do so, I suppose Truth did just that. Took our lives out of our hands and we have to struggle to get to the top. After all what is a sacrifice without pain, right?"

"He must be something special if you could trust him with...the family secret." Alternative Riza crossed her arms. A soldier. Her. It was plausible, in an environment where an outside influence was allowed to affect the control...the experiment could yield unforeseen results. Still this was hard to see as something more than rebellion, rebellion against everything her father had tried to impress upon her about the government. That tattoo, however, the fact that he would go that far made her understand why this other Riza would decided to not listen to his warnings. Why listen to a man who could do that to you? She wasn't here to question this other women's choices in life, just one choice. "However now that the world knows of flame alchemy's devastation, you can not take it back."

"There will be no more flame alchemists." Riza said definitively and turned around again. It took a lot to be close to this woman she aggravated and turn her back to her and make herself vulnerable. At least when she did it before she was a few steps away and had shock value on her side, but now she was clearly putting herself at a disadvantage. Still, she lifted her shirt up far enough to show off the burn scar. "I trusted him to decode and destroy it. I trust him to not pass it on to anyone else. I trust him completely."

"He...did that?"

She could hear how horrified she was. Of course the conclusion most people would make was that the research was destroyed after it was taken. She put her shirt down and turned to look herself in the eye. "I made the choice. I asked him to do it. I wanted it gone, just like when I gave it to him, I just wanted it gone. I didn't think of him. How much it hurt him...I was so desperate. He thinks this was all his fault but it was mine. I made the choice. It hurts him more than me and I wish I had another choice."

"Would you do it again?" Alternative Riza asked. "Knowing what you know now. Of how it ruined him and how happy he is without it? Would you still follow through with your actions knowing the results it yielded?"

"Yes." Riza answered honestly and without having to think about it. "Because part of me is still that naive fool who thinks we could change things. You're right, not knowing what is going on doesn't make you any better off, it only makes you vulnerable. We know the truth at such a heavy price, but we define ourselves by what we do with that knowledge. Isn't that what alchemy is about? Well for me, not being an alchemist all I can do is see him to the top. I will watch him make this a better country. I need your help to do that though, because I'm afraid of what will happen to him when he finds me in reality. That coin is a trap meant for him and whoever made it is not going to abandon their goals because the wrong person picked it up. They'll alter their plans and use me against him. Will you help me?"

"I wish I could." Alternative Riza put the coin in her hand and the paper with her notes on top of it. "I don't know how. Even if I did... this alchemy is toying with your brain... anything even slightly wrong will do serious damage. This isn't novice alchemy this is incredibly complex."

"Oh God..." Maybe it was going to be even worse than she thought. If Roy tried to save her he could damage her brain himself. Losing her would be rough, but being the one who did it would destroy him.

"I'd like to help you." Alternative Riza said. "My focus was on flame alchemy. I know I had to learn the basics but like you said, there was a lot of pressure to finish my studies before it was too late. I learned enough to see what this is about and know it's outside my realm of understanding. I'm sorry."

The coin and paper felt so heavy in her hand now. She thought that this would be the answer but it yielded nothing. She came expecting a woman who was basically her father's shadow but instead she found a version of her that seemed functional and content.

"I...know it seems like I was without a choice in the matter." The other Riza said and took a deep breath, as this was the first person she had ever been able to actually confide in. "And at first I did it because I was afraid of the alternatives but after a while I tried to use it to understand him. I thought that by learning alchemy and embracing his life's work as my own that maybe I could see why it was more important than me. I guess a part of me thought that if I wasn't worth something before I might be worth more as an alchemist. Like turning lead into gold. Two elements so close but one worthless and one prized."

"Did it work?" Riza had to ask. Her father was the enigma she could never start to comprehend.

"No." The answer was so sad. "When I produced that first controlled flame...success came with fear. There was no pride, there was no smile of triumph. When he saw what his research had made, he told me I could never use it again."

"I'm sorry." Riza wanted to tell her how proud she was of her, accomplishing something she didn't believe herself capable of. Instead she knew it would be more effective to try to explain her father's reaction. "He had effectively passed on his work and in doing so lost control over it. Without it he was nothing. So he had to try to control how it was used."

"I have very little use for it." She shrugged and cocked her head. "The other Flame Alchemist...how does he make the spark? You said he is military, I assumed you meant a State Alchemist. I'm sure he could tattoo his array on himself but he still needs a spark."

"Gloves." Riza said and saw the other alchemist consider that. "Ignition cloth gloves. He snaps his fingers to make a spark and controls the oxygen in the air for targeting and flame intensity. He has excellent control."

"That's very...dramatic."

Riza had to smile. "There is a certain flair to Roy Mustang that is very unique to him. He doesn't use flame alchemy much either, he is very careful to not show anyone exactly how powerful it is."

"You're proud of him."

It was said as a statement of observation not jealousy and Riza had to smile. "Very."

"I hope you can save him. I'm sorry I can't help you."

"Thank you for hearing me out. I am glad I came." She was being honest. She feared coming here for so many reason but it felt like there was a burden lifted now. She no longer had to worry about unearthing some long embedded issues tracing back to her childhood. She could see her father for who he was and how she wasn't at fault. She was just a kid and expecting herself to have done any different wasn't fair. The woman she was today would have stood up to him, but as a child she didn't know any better. Hindsight was always a lot clearer.

"You talk about Roy, but I'm more interested in you. What do you do in the military? Are you married to him?"

"No, we're not married." She said it with a smile, to hear her talk about Roy all the time would certainly give the impression that they were more than just co-workers. Riza knew she tended to focus on Roy more than herself. She told herself it was because he was so good at hiding things that she had to always pay attention to him, but it was merely a habit formed to stop herself from thinking too much about herself. Her skills had been honed in observation, not deconstruction and understanding. She didn't want to think about all this because it hurt to dredge up the past. She looked at her other self and realized she wanted to know who she was outside of her attachment to the Flame Alchemist. She was curious about her as well, what kind of woman she had become. "I am a sniper."

"I was unaware they let women be snipers."

"I was the first." Riza said. "I had the highest scores in the academy, high enough they sent me to Ishval before I graduated. I had the highest confirmed kill count during the war."

The other Riza thought about that for a few minutes. Killing people took more than just marksmanship. "So your burden is not just flame alchemy."

Riza shook her head. "No. I took a lot of lives and no matter how many times someone tells me it was 'orders' or 'my job'...or even 'defense of my country'...it never excuses that I killed civilians. Our country was in no danger from Ishval, our country just wanted Ishval gone."

"So your desire to change things comes from that." Riza nodded, understanding the passion now. Still, as she looked at this soldier version of her she couldn't help but be impressed. That was an incredible undertaking, especially considering she had rarely felt the need to leave her hometown. "How?"

Riza cocked her head, not understanding the question.

"How will you do it? Change things? How can one person change the country?"

"Roy is going to be Fuhrer. I intend to help him get there." She replied and saw a look of awe coming from this alternative version of herself. A version of Riza Hawkeye who had become the Flame Alchemist was suddenly looking at her like she was something special. Not the man she supported, but her. "It's why I need to get back to him. This isn't just about us."

"You should give alchemy a try. I think you might find it's a lot easier if you look at it like you're shooting. " The Flame Alchemist replied. "How you let all the peripherals fade out and just hone in on one target and nothing else exists in that moment. You calculate the distance and wind speed and know your weapon, it all comes with practice. I had to come to that by myself because I just couldn't focus on the energy and all the elements at play until I looked at it that way. That's your comprehension. Your deconstruction is the pull of the trigger and the releasing of the energy, from the impact on the primer to the ignition of powder...to the propulsion of the projectile. Reconstruction is the collecting the bullet and harvesting the meat. Transforming it into life once again by making it food. It's hard to let go of everything and just focus on that target...but you have to see it and nothing else. That target is your transmutation circle. You just need to keep thinking about all those elements at play before pulling your trigger. But follow through with it, stay steady and maintain focus on the object until you see it impact and then go process it and complete the cycle. "

That was actually incredibly helpful. She had never thought of alchemy like that. Not that it would do much good now, but if she survived this she might ask Roy to show her something, just to see if she could. He would transform in to that enthusiastic teenager again and, success or failure, that would be worth it. She felt like she owned this other version of her a parting gift as well. "You should give the world outside of Frenau a try. I know it has it's problems and it's hard to trust people, but there are good people out there. People who will be better for knowing you and make you feel valued. You have a grandfather in East City, General Grumman. He's a goofy... somewhat inappropriate old man but he is family. He will welcome you with open arms, no questions asked. He'll also tell you about your Mom and...breathe some life into some vague memories. He'll be proud of you. Trust me."

"I...well, thank you." the woman replied somewhat surprised. She hadn't heard that name in years but the idea that she could learn more about her mother was enticing.

With that Riza put the coin and paper in her pocket, pet the dog one last time and let herself out. She walked back to the car and tried to think of anyone else she could go to for help, but there was nobody better than Roy, Ed and Al for this task. They were working on it for her and if she had the answers anywhere in her head, than it would come from them. Her skepticism about her own ability was probably blocking her alternative self from having the answers.

Hayate was still sitting in the passenger seat when she came back. She opened the door and signaled for him to get out so he could pee, making sure she pet him for being a good boy before he hopped down and got out of the car. She sat down in the drivers seat and got her gun back out and reattached it to her belt. Then she grabbed her uniform off the back seat and put it on. That done, she sat back and stared at the remains of her childhood home and tried to not give up hope. This was becoming like a nightmare where she was frozen in place and couldn't run away from the terror following her. She just wanted to get home but the key in her hand was not something she could use.

She was startled out of her thoughts as her dog jumped into her lap. He usually waited to be told to get in but he must have sensed she needed some comfort. In an instant he was standing on her shoulders and looking for a hug and she relaxed and cuddled him. He always knew when she needed some support and a distraction. She closed her eyes and hugged her dog and tried to not think about him having to comfort Roy like this in the event of her demise.