Potions
Lily sat up in bed untangling her feet from her twisted sheets. She had been having the same dream for the past week and it had started to unnerve her a bit.
In her dream, there was a child screaming in the background and she had the overwhelming urge to get to it and make sure everything was alright. She would move her way effortlessly up the stairs of a handsome town house and rip open the baby's door without a second thought.
There would be a small black haired boy standing in his crib reaching up his arms and begging to be held but no matter how many steps she would take, Lily would be unable to reach him. The screaming would continue until a strange man would blast open the door behind her and the world would go quite. Every night, Lily would wake up after a flash of green and be left breathless staring at her empty room.
Everything about the dream scared her to death but she wasn't exactly sure why.
Crawling out of bed, Lily checked the time: 4:53am. She sighed and gathered up her shower stuff and deciding that the warm water may calm her pulsing heart.
The night was still black as she lit her wand tip and carefully picked her way down the stairs only to be affronted with the bright lights of the common room. Hadn't she made sure they were all out when she went up to bed hours beforehand?
"Evans?" Lily started and reflexively shot a disarming spell at the man sitting by the fire. "Oi, give me my wand back."
Once her eyes had adjusted, Lily was able to see James sitting, in his night clothes, by the fire and looking very put out.
"Christ! What the bloody hell are you doing up? You scared me half to death." She threw his wand back towards him and took the empty seat to his right.
She took a moment to take a proper look at him; his face looked tired and his hair was much messier than usual but his eyes were still able to make her breath hitch in her throat as they met.
"I couldn't sleep," he responded in a mumble, "do you always go to the bath at 5 in the morning?" She could hear his usual cheeky voice buried beneath the sleepy tones and smiled.
"Wouldn't you like to know," she laughed. "I've actually not been sleeping well either… I've had these strange dreams lately." Lily held her breath wondering if maybe she should have kept it to herself.
One of his eyebrows shot up in a quizzical manner and his eyes once again met hers. "Anything you want to take about?"
"It's just a bad dream I think… it just keeps happening though; I think this is the 8th night that it's woken me up." Godric, James was handsome. His brow was furrowed in thought and she could see the muscles of his arms contract as he crossed them to lean farther beck in the red squishy armchair.
"Well if it gets too bothersome, you could always ask Madam Pomfrey for a dreamless sleep potion." He was intelligent also, Lily would have never thought of that. How had she made it until seventh year to realize all of these things about him? They'd already lost so much time.
"Yeah, thank you, if they continue I'll see if she would be willing to brew a batch for me." James turned his gaze back to the fire and they fell into a comfortable silence. After a few minutes, Lily couldn't help but to break it just so that she could hear his voice again. "What are you thinking about?"
James jumped a little at the unexpected sound and turned a grinning face toward her. "I was just thinking about you and me." He was never one to be subtle.
"What about us?" Her breath was stuck in her throat again as she thought about the possibility of finally saying yes to one of his offers for a date.
"Just about how I'm glad that you don't hate me anymore and that we can finally just sit here and enjoy each others company without it ending in a row." She felt her smile slip a little. Had James finally grown out of his crush on her just when she was developing one on him? Life sure had a twisted sense of humor sometimes.
"Oh, yeah I suppose you're right," stupid, Lily; it was stupid to think that he would still fancy you after all of the times that you turned him down. After another long pause, it was James who broke the silence.
"Evans?"
"Mmm?" She had been cursing her luck while glaring at the fire.
"You know you can talk to me if there's ever anything on your mind, if you want. I may not look like it, but at times, I can be a superb listener."
"Thank you, I'm fine though." Her lips had already formed the words before her brain had time to seriously consider the answer. It had become second nature to reject talking about the painful things in life and everyone seemed to take her reply as the truth.
"Alright, I'll let you keep thinking that for a while longer, but if it ever becomes too much to handle on your own, I'll be here." Her mind was spinning; it raced through the past few weeks trying to remember if she had let her unhappiness slip through at any points and stopped on that first morning when she had been crying in the shower. Had he heard her after all?
She nodded her head trying to come up with something to say but she could already feel the back of her eyes prickling. It was just too damn early for James to be this nice to her and she had to fight back the urge to tell him all about her parents.
"I need a shower," she choked out before running to the loo. She shut the door tight behind her and flipped on the water to cover up the sounds of her crying.
Why was he so bloody interested all of a sudden in her mental health? Why did she always run away from the people who genuinely seemed to want to help her? Why couldn't she bring herself to tell anyone but her best friends about the terrible things that had happened in her life?
There was a knock at the door and Lily froze. Please let him go away.
"Evans, can I please come in?" She sat there wiping her tears away and trying to stop the new ones from falling without answering. "Please answer me, or else I'm going to come in anyway."
Taking a deep breath, Lily pushed herself off of the toilet and went to unlock the door before stepping back and composing her face in, what she hoped, would be an annoyed look.
"What?" she snapped when he hesitantly pushed his way into the room. He took one look at her and crossed the room quickly, taking her in his arms. Her body tensed in his hold but when he didn't say anything and just held her, Lily fell into tears once more. When did James get so bloody perceptive? She clutched at his clothes as he lowered them to the floor, sat her in his lap, and let her tears soak his night shirt.
"Shh, it will be alright. Whatever it is, it will get better," he promised her over and over again. She thought of how her father used to comfort her after her fights with Tuney and was sent into more hysterics.
Once her eyes had seemed to run out of tears, she took a few deep breaths and hesitantly looked up into James' face. Had this been any other situation, her face would have been ablaze with color due to their precarious position but at the moment, all she could feel was shame.
Shame at being caught in her lie; shame at needing someone to comfort her; and shame at it being this boy, James Potter, who had finally gotten Lily Evans to unlock the door to all of her misery.
Sure, she had cried in front of her friends and family, but she had never lost control of everything. She hadn't even cried this hard at either of her parents funerals. Grief had always been a solitary activity that Lily participated in alone but now here she was, on the bathroom floor having just cried her eyes out cuddled up in James' lap.
She pushed herself up off of him and went to splash some cold water onto her face. James clamored into a standing position and waited for her to face him but she was having a difficult time being able to look him in the eye after what had just happened.
"Lily," he started. She was finally able to catch his eye and was surprised that she didn't see any trace of pity in his expression; all there was, was deep warmth as he once again embraced her and stroked her hair. "You don't have to tell me why, but just know that I'll be here for you."
With that, James exited the room and left Lily alone with her thoughts. Had that really just happened? Her heart was beating a pounding rhythm through her veins again but not out of fear; the unexpectedness of the morning had thrown her off and Lily quickly showered and got ready for her classes.
When she exited the loo, James was no where to be found and Lily could feel the disappointment swell in her chest; looks like she would be heading down to the Great Hall alone.
Had she scared him this morning? Did he feel uncomfortable around her now? These thoughts and more swam through her head on the way down to breakfast and she couldn't help but worry about how he would act towards her in classes today.
She located her friends about halfway down the Gryffindor table and sat trying her best to keep a smile on her face; there was no reason to alert the other girls to her anguish.
"Morning Lily, did you see the notice about the Halloween Dance?" Cecilia asked looking as tired as Lily felt. She hadn't seen it. "Well it's on Halloween night, obviously; do you think you'll get asked by anyone?"
Lily felt her heart flutter at the possibility of James asking her for the 4th year in a row but shrugged her shoulders.
"I may, I don't know though… it's only about a month away. What do you all think that you will wear?" This sent her friends into a frenzy about their plans and Lily felt safe to let her mind wander onto a boy with raven black hair that had yet to show up for breakfast.
"Lily!" It seemed that Cecilia had been trying to gain her attention.
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Did you have that dream again last night?" Her friend replied in a put out tone.
"Huh? Oh yeah," she said grasping at the far off memory, "it happened just the same as it had before. You don't think I should be worried about it, do you?"
Audrey shrugged. "I think there's no need to go mental over it. It's just a dream after all."
Alice was nodding her head in agreement, "It's just your mind worrying about something and changing it into something unrelated. I read all about it in one of those muggle psychology books that I borrowed from your dad-."
She had stopped talking abruptly but since her cry this morning, Lily was too exhausted to get upset. "It's fine Alice," she whispered quietly thinking about James' soft promises this morning.
"I'm just a git, sorry Lil; sometimes it just slips out." Her friend looked pained with the guilt of bringing up her dad. Why was James able to look at her without pity but her best friends had trouble mentioning him and stealing pitying glances as if she were some fragile child?
She stood up, suddenly unable to stand the tension emanating from her three friends. "I forgot my book bag up in my room; I'll see you guys in class."
Maybe that's why she enjoyed being around the marauders so much; they didn't know about her past and no one felt the need to watch what they said.
Lily returned to her common room to gather up her books and then set out for Double Potions hoping that the time would pass quickly; between her anger at her friends and the unusual events that happened between her and James this morning, Lily was sure that the Potions room would seem exceedingly small.
She was the first to enter the dungeon classroom and sat at her usual desk pulling out her usual notebook and quill. Professor Slughorn had brewed a potion that Lily recognized as the love potion Amortentia. This would be an interesting class indeed.
Before she could stand to investigate the potion closer though, her Professor bustled into the dark room and exclaimed in surprise at the sight of her.
"Oh hullo Lovely Lily; a little anxious to start class this morning I see? It will be a great one." His large belly bounced with his laughter and he gave her a large wink. He had always been one of her favorite teachers, always encouraging her and helping her to become better.
"With the Amortentia that you've brewed, I'm positive that you're not mistaken sir." He gave another hearty laugh that shook his entire being.
"Excellent Lily Evans, you really are the brightest witch of your age; no wonder you were appointed Head Girl. I believe that the wizarding world can expect great things from you."
Before she could respond, the door opened once more to reveal James who stood there looking awkwardly between her and their Professor.
"Hullo mister Potter, it seems that our two Heads are taking their education quite seriously this term. Well come in, come in." He waved his massive hands at the tall youth and bustled into the back supply room in, what Lily assumed, an attempt to give them some alone time. She wished that he hadn't.
"Hullo Evans, I, um… I got you this," he said extending a chocolate frog towards her, "I was going to leave it on you desk as a surprise but since you're here…"
Lily reached out her hand and took the present feeling a lovely warmth grow inside of her chest. "It's brilliant, thank you." She beamed up at him.
"My mum always said that chocolate can cheer up any cloudy day, and you seemed to be having a rough one…" his speech trailed off as his hand started attacking the back of his hair yet again.
"Your mum's a smart lady, I really appreciate this. Would you like to share it?" She asked. They still had a few minutes until the rest of the students would join them. He nodded and took the empty seat next to her.
"Thank you, by the way." Her cheeks flushed a little as her fingers pried open the packaging.
"For what?" His brows were drawn together in confusion again and Lily couldn't help but giggle.
"For this morning; it was really nice of you to be so worried about me." She watched as his face lit up with pride and then fell into a more serious stare.
"I meant what I said, you know; if you ever need someone I am just a few steps away." His heart felt words caught her by surprise and Lily wondered if Professor Slughorn could hear them.
They shared the chocolate frog and a bit of light conversation and when the rest of the students started to file in, James moved to his usual seat in the row behind her. She almost whished that he would have stayed.
Alice came in shortly after looking terribly ashamed. She took her seat next to Lily and went to say something but then stopped with her mouth open, as if she couldn't find the words.
"Ali, it's fine; I'm fine… let's just forget about it." She hated to see her best friend so contrite. With a grateful smile Alice agreed and started a conversation about the dance again.
Lily was half paying attention to her friend and half listening to a heated discussion that was happening behind her.
Sirius had come in and taken his seat next to James and immediately began whispering to his best mate about how he should "ask her already". This had spiked her interest and wondered if Sirius was talking about her.
"You know I can't. We're busy that night and I really don't want to go."
"Just do it; we all know that you're dying to anyway and one night off wont mean much to us." Lily could hear the frustration leaking from every world that Sirius uttered.
"No. Like I said, there is no way that I'm going to ask her out. I like the way that things are."
She wondered who they were talking about. The idea struck her that this mysterious person could be her but in the next moment her heart was aching with the possibility that it could be some other girl. Had James found someone new to fancy?
Slughorn interrupted both her internal dialogue and the whispering match behind her. "Good morning students, I've got a great potion for you today but I must warn you, it may be one of the more dangerous brews that I can teach you. Can anyone tell me what we have here?" He indicated to the pot bubbling to his right.
Lily's hand shot up along with a few others scattered throughout the room.
"Well I know for a fact the Miss Evans knows what potion this is, so let me see here… Mister Black? Do you know what it is? No? Perhaps you should be paying attention then instead of napping." Sirius' head lifted off of the desk.
"Mister Diggory, then? What do you suppose it is?"
"That's Amortentia, that is." Amos looked smug as he answered and Lily could have sworn that his eyes drifted towards her for a moment before returning toward the front.
"Very good. This potion is often called the most powerful love Potion in existence but in fact, it can only cause infatuation or obsession with the brewer. Does anyone know what is special about it?" Lily's hand shot up again. "Yes Miss Evans?"
"It is rumored that, when brewed correctly, Amortentia gives off the aroma of what attracts each person the most."
"Excellent Lily! Today, we will break off into pairs of two in order to try and produce the Amortentia potion. Let us see… I believe that Miss Cooper and Mister Longbottom should work together. Mister Black and Miss Anderson. Mister Lupin and Mister Diggory. And Miss Evans and Mister Potter."
Lily lost track of the other sets of partners as her stomach tightened with happiness at being able to work with James. Turning around, he flashed her a smile and gathered his books to move next to her. Yes, this would be an interesting class indeed.
"All right Evans? Let's get started shall we?" His smile was intoxicating. They set out following the steps of the potion and picking up their conversation easily from where they had left off. Soon it was time to let the potion sit and they were able to just talk.
"So," Lily started, "did you hear about the Halloween Dance?" She really did want him to ask her again but for some reason, James seemed uncomfortable about this change of subject.
"Yeah, bit of a joke really. I don't fancy going to something so silly." Lily could feel the heat rush to her face. Hadn't he been the one begging her to go to this very same dance since the third year? Maybe he really didn't fancy her anymore.
"Oh. I think it might be rather brilliant this year. It's been ages since I've gone." She was trying to impress upon him that she might be willing to say yes if he would just ask the bloody question.
"Well I guess you might be right, but I just don't fancy it." Her face fell as she realized that James wouldn't be asking her. She had been so silly believing that he might still fancy her. She was just a broken girl who had refused him one too many times and perhaps he had chosen over the summer to just move on. She wondered again who the girl was that Sirius wanted him to ask out.
She changed the subject and tried to smile as the awful knot in her stomach twisted painfully.
Smoke began to drift out of their cauldron in the characteristic spirals and Lily leaned over to see if it had finished. She was curious as to what it would smell like and cautiously took a sniff.
Her senses were bombarded with the smell of the air shortly after a heavy rain, the smell of milk chocolate, and a slight whiff of something that she had only been in contact with a few times but couldn't place where she knew it from. It had a darker tone and she was sure that this mystery would drive her mental if left unsolved.
James leaned in and stood for a moment before turning to her with a look that she couldn't quite place.
"I think that we managed this potion fairly well," he laughed a little bit at an unknown joke to himself and then clapped her on the back. "Good work Evans."
Lily smiled up at him and then collected a sample for their grade. James cleaned up the work station as she took the finished project up to Professor Slughorn.
"My word, Lily, this potion is nearly perfect." She gladly handed it over to him for further inspection. "You and Mister Potter make quite the team." The knot in her stomach gave another unhappy little twist as she thanked him and walked back to collect her bags.
"Would you like to walk with me?" James looked calm and joyous as if he were unaware of her inner turmoil about why he wouldn't ask her out anymore.
"Sure," she forced another smile onto her face and made to set out to enjoy their free period. She was sure that as James said goodbye to his friends, that Sirius had once again hissed an "ask her" at his retreating back.
They spent their time roaming the grounds and talking. They quickly picked up their favorite game of truth that had continued after that first night of duty. Lily avoided talking about what had upset her so badly this morning and James never asked.
She was so unused to people respecting her privacy that there were times when she almost told him out of sheer thankfulness. If she had, though, Lily was sure that he would take the information better than most everyone else.
She felt her heart yearn for him to fancy her like he had even just last year but was unsurprised when he never made a move.
The next few weeks passed in anticipation for her; every morning, Lily would wake up and hope that James would have changed his mind about the dance and would ask her but that never happened.
There were a couple of nights that she woke up crying over a dream about her parents but she never sought out the comfort that she knew James would offer so willingly because to be in his arms and know that he didn't fancy her anymore would only add to her pain.
Finally with only a week before the dance, Lily gave him up for a bad job. She had her outfit picked out and would attend with her friends hoping that the night would turn out to be fun even without a date.
But the day that she decided once and for all on these plans, something unexpected happened. Lily was walking out of the Transfiguration classroom when she heard a voice call out her name from behind her. She spun around and was face to face with none other than Amos Diggory.
"Hullo Lily."
"Hi Amos, do you need me for something?" She noticed that his face went rather pink as she asked this.
"I was… well, I was just wondering… with the dance coming up and all, if you had been asked by anybody yet?" He was finding it hard to meet her eyes and she was rather stunned by his question.
"No, I'm not going with anyone yet."
"Oh! Well… would you- I mean maybe if you want to, would you want to come with me?" His face was alight with glee at her not already having a date and she was rather flattered by his offer. To hell with James, she thought, might as well have some fun.
"I think that'd be lovely, Amos." His face was positively glowing with happiness.
"Great! I'll meet you by the Great Hall at 8 on Friday then!" She nodded and watched as he practically skipped off in his delight. Well, at least she had a date now.
Walking to the Great Hall, Alice caught her up about five minutes later and Lily couldn't contain her news for long. Her friend was glad Lily finally had someone to go with and that he happened to be most of the most eligible boys in school.
Lily had neglected to mention her fancying a certain black haired boy to any of her friends yet and was glad that nobody but herself knew.
Alice loudly shared Lily's new plans for the dance with their friends at dinner effectively made her friend's face turn a new shade of red as many others surrounding her called out their congratulations.
Her eyes were caught by a pair of dark hazel for a moment and Lily was sure that he was not a joyous about the news as the rest of her friends. When he immediately turned his attention away from her though, Lily sent some choice curse words mentally towards him because it was his fault not asking her first.
She enjoyed the dinner with the girls but was finally ready to call it a night. She had woken up early again because of the dream of the young child and her eyes were already drifting shut desperate for more sleep.
When she reached the common room, Lily was unsurprised to see James sitting by the fire; they usually had a nightly talk before heading off to bed but tonight he looked rather put off about something.
"Hullo," she said hesitantly. He didn't answer right away, only staring at her with a look of fury on his face.
"I hear you've got a date." His arms were crossed and his usual smile was gone. Why was he so upset about this?
"So what if I have?" she said crossly.
"Amos is a git. Why would you agree to go with him?" he had stood up and Lily could feel her temper rising.
"He is not a git! He is kind and respectable and he asked me." Why was she getting so worked up about this? It was silly. It was only one dance that she was going to with him.
"He is a git and I cannot comprehend why you would agree to go."
"I happen to enjoy dances and having a good time, unlike some other people that I know." She glared at him.
James threw his hands above his head an started pacing. "I thought… Godric, I don't know what I thought. But it sure as hell wasn't this." Lily was thrown into confusion as she tried to decipher his last sentence but he was already talking again.
"You know what? It doesn't matter. Have fun with that stupid bloody git. Hell if I care." With that, James stormed off in the direction of his room and Lily could hear his room slam shut.
She waited in front of the fire for a few hours doing her homework and hoping that James would come back down to apologize but at half past eleven, Lily packed up her stuff and went to bed without a goodnight hug for the first time since they had started the ritual.
Her room felt chilly as she lay down to sleep. Her mind drifted over the events of the past couple of weeks and couldn't come up with a solution as to why James was so upset about her going to the dance with Amos.
She thought about his parting words, 'hell if I care' and could feel the knot in her stomach grow in size as the tears began to build at the corner of her eyes. Stupid girl, you can't do anything right, can you?