Lunch with Cullen was uneventful. To Eleanor's relief, Varric was parked in his usual spot in the tavern and provided a nice buffer in conversation, capturing much of Cullen's attention. It helped Eleanor as she tried to convince herself that there was nothing between them and that they were just friends, despite the sideways smirk he kept giving her. She had to keep reminding herself not to read too far into his glances.
The rest of the day was a whirlwind. Eleanor had managed to get some sewing finished, which kept her mind pleasantly occupied until Sophia persuaded her to join them for dinner. Eleanor tried to partake in the conversation and enjoy the food, but found that she had no appetite and ate very little. She retired early, claiming a headache and expressing a desire to be well-rested for their trip to meet the Warden the next day, but in reality she was feeling burnt out and in desperate need of some alone time. She spent the rest of her evening reading in solitude, until eventually she drifted off.
When she woke it was still dark out. Rook stirred at her feet, and she sat up, scratching him behind the ears. She'd been having terrible nightmares and doubted she would fall back asleep. Perfect, she thought. The images were still fresh in her mind. She saw Kirkwall burning, felt the ground shake with the destruction of the Chantry, saw fellow mages lying dead in the street. She groaned and laid back down, praying for morning to come quickly.
When the first hints of sunlight began to peek through her window, Eleanor jumped up and changed quickly into her robes. She had, to her surprise, fallen back asleep, but it was shallow sleep and she was not rested. Her mind raced and she trembled. It had been like reliving it and she felt sick to her stomach. She decided to take a walk and relax before their trip to meet the Warden. She knew that Sophia wanted to leave fairly early. This would be the last thing they needed to do before they approached the rebel mages for help, and Sophia was getting anxious and eager to get the breach closed.
As Eleanor walked through Haven the village began to wake up. She could smell bread beginning to bake, and the wood from someone's fire. The chill in the air gave her goosebumps and she shuddered, pulling her coat tighter around her.
By the time she had looped around the village, the sun was out and several people were awake, greeting her as she passed. Her thoughts were still unsettled, but she tried as best as she could to shove them into the back of her mind. Meeting the Grey Warden would provide a nice distraction. She made her way back to the Chantry and found Sophia on the steps, talking with Cassandra.
"I just think that with Bull there my presence would be more...beneficial here," Cassandra said. It was clear she was trying to talk her way out of going to the Hinterlands with them, after the shenanigans on the Coast. Eleanor approached them quickly and stepped in to help.
"I think we'll be fine," Eleanor winked at Cassandra and slid onto the steps to stand beside Sophia. "We can manage this one without her, right?" Sophia crossed her arms and turned to face Eleanor.
"We? You're not going, either. I heard you up all night, practically screaming in your sleep. You need your rest." Eleanor took a step back and looked away, humiliated. She had not been aware that she had ever screamed in her sleep. She wondered who else had heard her.
"I...very well," she said quietly, her cheeks burning. Her nostrils flared and she looked to Cassandra, whose eyes were wide, assessing the tension.
"Ellie, you know it's not anything bad...I just know it's going to be a short trip and I know you didn't sleep well." Sophia frowned.
"I understand, I guess." Eleanor smiled weakly. She was grateful for the opportunity to relax, but resented the idea that she might have been disturbing people in her sleep.
"Cassandra, you...are dismissed, I guess. You should stay here, too. Sera, Varric, and I will be fine with Bull." Cassandra nodded and hurried away from the growing awkwardness. A scout approached Sophia, his nose buried in a clipboard.
"Herald, some things for you to go over before you leave." He held out the paperwork. Sophia looked to Eleanor and pursed her lips.
"Ellie.." she began.
"I'm fine, really. You have work to do. Have a safe trip and hurry back." Eleanor waved and turned on her heels, heading for her room. She needed a hot bath, and maybe a nap. Inside, the door to the War Room was open and Cullen was holding it open as Leliana and Josephine emerged from their morning meeting. Cullen's eyes lit up at the sight of her and he waited, leaning against the door, for her to walk over. Josephine bowed her head politely and Leliana gave her a knowing smile as they left the Chantry together.
"Eleanor, good morning." Cullen clasped his hands in front of him and watched her.
"Good morning," she responded coolly. Her nightmares had made fresh the memories of Templar abuse in Kirkwall, and though she knew it was irrational, she felt a tired wariness of him at that particular moment.
"I trust you are well rested for your trip?"
"Actually, I've been asked to stay back for this one." Eleanor glanced out the window, still feeling ashamed of her apparent outburst. She wondered whose names she had screamed.
"Are you well?" He pushed himself from the door and took a step towards her, concerned. She crossed her arms across her chest defensively and nodded.
"I am, thank you. Sophia just decided that since it was a short trip I could stay here and relax. She did me a favor, really." Eleanor flashed an unconvincing smile and Cullen narrowed his eyes.
"Eleanor, if you need to talk..."
"I appreciate it. I think I will rest and perhaps I will see you later in the tavern." She interrupted him. Her eyes were growing heavy and his words were beginning to jumble. She yawned exaggeratedly and grinned.
"Very well," he said. "I hope you enjoy your rest." He walked quickly towards the door. Eleanor watched him disappear through it and almost called out to him. Yes, I would very much like to talk about how I'm terrified and exhausted and still unsure of whether I should trust you or not, she wanted to say. But soon the door closed behind him and fatigue won out. She shuffled into her room and was asleep the moment she fell into bed.
She woke screaming, tears streaming from her eyes. So many dead. She sat up abruptly as she heard a thud against her door, and another. She heard a key in the lock and then the door flung open. Cullen stood poised with his sword and shield, glaring furiously. Behind him, Leliana stood with her bow drawn, a fierce look on her face. Josephine stood clutching her clipboard nervously, a ring of keys in her hand. Cullen looked around the room, seemingly confused at its emptiness. Rook wagged his tail, happy for the company. Based on the color of the light seeping in through the window, it was just before sunset. Eleanor groaned and hid her face in her hands.
"I'm fine," she protested. "It was a nightmare. There's no one in here. I'm sorry I disturbed your meeting." Leliana let her bowstring slacken and the advisors collectively sighed in relief. Cullen sheathed his sword and moved to her bedside. He pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and offered it to her. She accepted it and dabbed her eyes. Cullen sat gingerly on the bed next to her and she trembled.
"What did you see?" he whispered. Leliana and Josephine exchanged a look and retreated, closing the door softly.
"Kirkwall." The word sounded like a curse, holding so much history between the apostate and former Templar. His shoulders slumped and a look of shame crossed his face. "I can't stop seeing them, dead. I ran away. I should have stayed, and fought for them." Her sobs shook her body and Cullen put an arm around her, drawing her close to him. There was no resistance left in her and she leaned into him while she cried. Right now, he was not a Templar from Kirkwall. He was just her friend Cullen, and she resigned herself to his comforting. He rubbed her back, sharing in her grief.
After several minutes she had no more tears left and grew insecure in her vulnerability. She considered pulling away, apologizing, insisting she was okay and politely asking him to leave. But, she was exhausted. She wanted him to stay. His silent, strong presence comforted her and she wanted his touch to linger. Her throat tightened.
"I'm sorry," she finally said. His arm tightened around her instinctively.
"There's no need to apologize. I'm glad it wasn't something worse. You gave those of us in the War Room quite a fright."
"Thank you...for being here, I mean. For..." she trailed off, unsure of how to continue. She rested her head on his chest and could feel his heart pounding. She wondered if he could feel hers doing the same.
"You're welcome, Eleanor. Do you-I can go and let you try to get back to sleep." he offered, but he made no move to get up.
"No, please...I mean...could you just stay for a little while? I'm...feeling uneasy." she looked up at him, and he gave her a small smile.
"I'll stay as long as you need me to, Eleanor." Her heart fluttered and she closed her eyes. Her breathing returned to normal and the matched rhythm of their heartbeats lulled her back to sleep.
When she woke again she jolted slightly as she remembered she was not alone in her bed. She glanced over and Cullen sat next to her, his arm still tight around her, with his head leaned back against the wall. His lips were parted slightly and he was breathing slowly, deep in sleep. It was just barely light out and Eleanor wrinkled her nose at the idea that she had been sleeping on and off for an entire day. Her stomach turned slightly as she looked up at Cullen again. She still didn't want him to leave. Sleeping with his arm around her, even after vivid nightmares and sitting up, was the best sleep she'd gotten since she had arrived in Haven. She wondered if he would regret it. He stirred softly and she took the opportunity to slip from his grasp and stand. Her stomach growled loudly and she realized she had not eaten for an entire day. She opened the door as quietly as possible and tiptoed into the hall, making her way outside towards the kitchens.
"Good morning!" the kitchen's head assistant chirped as she walked in.
"I was wondering if there was any bread yet this morning?" Eleanor asked.
"Not yet, but I have something better." The assistant winked and disappeared into the adjacent room momentarily, coming back with a small bag. She grinned as she handed it over. "Sugar rolls. Kind of my specialty." Eleanor peeked into the bag and inhaled deeply. The sweet scent was intoxicating and she had to force herself not to devour them right there.
"Thank you so much," Eleanor beamed. She handed the assistant a few coins and hurried back to her room, intent on surprising Cullen with the rolls.
She bumped into him leaving the Chantry, rubbing his neck and stretching while he walked. When he noticed her, his tired expression gave way to a broad grin.
"Eleanor! I was wondering where you'd gotten off to. Did you...rest well?" He lowered his voice and glanced around, looking abashed.
"I did...thank you, for...staying." She twisted the bag in her hands nervously. She could not stop thinking of his arm around her, the soft sound of his breathing.
"I'm glad I was able to help."
"I...are you hungry? I was bringing this back so we could..." she held the bag out towards him. He opened it and peeked in, inhaling deeply.
"I am. These look great and smell even better. Come, follow me." he beckoned. He led her to the dock over the frozen lake and sat, his legs hanging over the edge. He patted the wood next to him and she sat beside him. The sun was rising slowly over the horizon, bathing the area with a diffused, pinkish glow.
"I never get used to how beautiful it is out here," Eleanor breathed. Cullen glanced at her.
"It is. When I wake up too early I come out here and watch the sun rise." He pulled a roll from the bag and the sugar had slightly melted from the warmth of the bread, forming a sticky glaze. He handed it to her and she pulled a piece from it. She popped it into her mouth and flicked her tongue upwards to lick the remaining sugar from the corner of her lips. She noticed he was still watching her and she felt the familiar warmth spreading in her again as his eyes fixed on her lips.
"What do you intend to do once this is all over?" she asked, breaking the awkward silence. His eyes jerked upward and he realized he had been staring.
"I haven't thought too much about it..." he stammered. He looked over the lake and chewed, thinking. "It's hard to imagine things ever really being over."
Eleanor smirked. "I know exactly what you mean."
"What are you going to do? Would you go back to..." he paused.
"No." She said quickly. "Not for some time, at least." While she desperately missed Kirkwall, the idea of being there again was too much. Those wounds were still too raw.
When she finished eating she watched the sun rising and sighed to herself. She didn't want whatever the last hours had been with him, to end. He didn't seem to want it to, either. He ate slowly, and when he was finished the silence hung between them. Finally, he spoke.
"I suppose I should return to my duties." He stood, and helped her to her feet. "Are you...feeling better?" She stared at him, at a sudden loss for words.
"I am feeling much better...thank you, so much, Cullen, I...it meant a lot to me." she stuttered.
"Commander! We need you in the War Room!" Leliana called from the opposite end of the dock. Eleanor thought she winked, but it was hard to tell. Cullen growled, displeased with the interruption. He looked back at Eleanor apologetically.
"I'm glad to hear that. I'd better go before she has my head." He grinned and turned to join Leliana. Eleanor watched him as he retreated. She knew that at least for now, she would give into, and welcome, the ambiguity if it gave her more moments like this. The thrill of not knowing what would come next made her stomach clench and she smiled to herself. It was a good morning.