Chapter 10. - Surrender
We're living in a world full of illusion
Everything is so unreal
My mind is in a state of confusion
But I can't deny the way I feel
M. Gore
BPOV
This time around, my passive aggressive tendencies had nothing to do with my husband. And it was more outright aggression than passive as I slammed around my kitchen. I had no idea what Edward Cullen's game was and he'd be stupid to pull anything with the La Push pack at my house. Getting really tired of this question, but what the hell was I thinking? Jacob was home for now and I needed to focus and quit flirting with danger. Oh but woe is me, why did danger have to be so damn good looking?
I'd been in the kitchen for a few hours when Alice let herself in my house.
"Can't you knock at least once, I could have been naked?" I asked her.
She just laughed at me. "I knew you weren't, plus you don't have anything I haven't seen before. I thought you might need some help."
"Liar, you thought I'd spill my guts over my spinach-artichoke dip." I rolled my eyes a little.
"Well since you brought it up..."
I sighed, "I am a horrible human being. My husband comes home and we get right to it, and all I can do is picture my neighbor in his spot. I have some sick and twisted need to have a piece of that man no matter the obstacle. It's like chemical or biological or something like that." I was completely defeated as a long sigh exited my lips.
Alice, ever the dear, handed me a glass of wine. I hadn't even noticed her open a bottle, but she knew and I couldn't help the healthy gulps I was taking of that glass. "And to make matters worse, I invited him over tonight. Oh and he already fucked Jessica Stanley." Rolling my eyes, I reported this last bit with an unnecessary emphasis.
Alice snorted with laughter, "Are you surprised, who hasn't fucked that whore. But why in the hell did you invite him over?"
"Hello? Sick and twisted here." I gulped down more wine.
"Okay. First, you are not sick and twisted; you are just confused. He flirted with you, your marriage is in a weird place and you are enamored with the attention from another man. I'm sure Don Juan is well versed on taking down vulnerable women. We just need to keep you away from him tonight so that you can mingle next to Jacob. Plus you're going to talk to Jacob about staying home so things can settle down and go back to normal. And then Edward Cullen will no longer be so appealing."
"Right," I said, "stay away from Edward Cullen." Stiff Upper Lip.
Now that Alice and I had polished off a bottle of a rather delightful and fragrant Pinot Noir, I was looking forward to a houseful of people. That's the way it used to be; I loved entertaining, and it made me genuinely happy. Jasper arrived before my husband to find Alice and me in a fit of hysterics bent over our old high school annual. "Oh Lord, well I guess I know where this evening is headed." He said eyeing the empty bottle. "I'll just go pour myself a drink."
About 7:30 people started to trickle in. Most of Jacob's friends came all at once; it was unsettling how they seemed to move as this weird little collective. So now we had Sam & Emily, Paul, Embry, Quil, Leah and Seth. A few other people from the neighborhood arrived including my absolute favorite person in the world, Jessica Stanley.
"Where's hubby tonight?" I asked Jessica, with the slightest bit of not giving a toss dripping from my lips.
"Oh you know Tyler, Sports Entertainment keeps him flying all across the country all the time." And you hopping from mattress to mattress, I thought to myself. I offered her a drink so I could return to my hosting duties until the fight started. Then Alice and I would be free to wander off and enjoy that second bottle together.
Five minutes to the fight, my doorbell rang. Since there was only one person really missing, it was obvious who was behind the door. Alice bolted to my side, and I opened the door to find quite possibly the most gorgeous family I have ever seen standing on my porch. Ever! In the history of ever. It was one thing to see them individually, but all at once was somewhat overwhelming. Edward was wearing a blue button down and gray slacks; his usual unruly hair was slicked back and he smelled positively appetizing. I have no idea what cologne that was, but it made me feel like fanning myself.
His eyes were intense and focused on my slackened face, "Evening Bella, I brought a little something for the host." He placed a bottle of 2006 Louis Jadot Echezeaux Pinot Noir in my hands. I couldn't help the smile that caught me as I remembered the Cuvee I slipped in his basket. Touche!
"Esme, Emmet and Rose you met this afternoon, but please let me introduce my Father, Dr. Carlisle Cullen." He said to me with a wink.
"Please call me Carlisle." The stunning Dr. Carlisle Cullen extended his warm hand to me.
"Thank you for inviting us into your home." Esme said as she walked in, eyeing my house with a certain air of critique.
Rose and Emmett came in nodding their hellos. As I was shutting the door Alice kicked me in the shins, "Ow bitch!" I said rubbing them slightly.
"What was that?" She whispered in my ear as I was bent forward. "He smells fantastic! Does he always smell like that? Oh my God you are in so much trouble Bella Swan-Black."
"Yeah, I'm aware. Have I not been telling you this?" I hissed at her.
I grabbed Jacob to make introductions to the new guests. But before I could say anything, Jacob is addressing "Dr. Cullen" by name and shaking his hand. I looked to Alice who's wearing a "fuck if I know" expression on her face and then to Edward's equally shocked face and then back to Jacob.
"Dr. Cullen does free clinics on the Res Bella." He says to me as he registers the question on my face. "So then that makes Edward Cullen your son. Incredibly small world isn't it." He turns his attention on Edward Cullen, "Good to know a Cullen is living next door. That will work out nicely on those weeks I'm away. You should check in on Bella, keep her company. It would be nice to know that she's in good hands while I'm gone."
I choked on the sip of wine I'd just taken. I looked at Alice who much to my chagrin was stifling the most evil of giggles. Bitch! Edward slapped me on the back, "Well Jacob, now that I have your permission, I'd be glad to keep a close eye on Bella." He laughed a smug laugh that matched the smug look on his face. Fuck! I wish the earth would swallow me whole right now. I'm close to having my entire face palmed and Alice, bless her for seeing the distress on my face, says "Can I get you all something to drink?"
"Yes!" I snap up, "Drinks. How about we open this bottle of wine right now and have a glass...or two." I mumble that last part under my breath. I glance at Edward and he's smiling smugly, still. I roll my eyes at him and head to the bar to open up the bottle he's brought over.
"How about a tour of the house? I know Esme would love that." He says to me before I even get halfway across the room. Carlisle made his way into the media room, followed closely by Emmett and Rosalie, leaving me stuck with the asshole and his Mother. I glance to Alice, pleading with my eyes to save me. She has the "but Jasper needs me" pout as she follows him into the media room, loaded down with plates and drinks. So much for the game of "keep away" I'm supposed to playing tonight, and so much for sticking close to Jacob.
Esme's ruby lips are wide across her face and her eyes sparkle as she takes every detail of my home. As I watch the two of them together, I realize that Edward has her eyes: soft, sharp and expressive all in one. Seeing all and revealing nothing. I showed off the first floor, living, dining, kitchen, media room, and library. Second floor was 4 bedrooms, Master bedroom, bathrooms, game room and my den. Off my den was a small door that opened up to a private rooftop balcony; it was my little secret escape when I couldn't get down to the docks. On the way through my den, Edward stopped in front of the Picasso print I had framed on the wall.
"Don Quixote?" He questioned me. "Insanity, depression, death, are you trying to make a statement here?"
"It's just a reminder. I think women can really relate to Quixote. I mean our lives are a little Quixotic aren't they? At a very young age girls are force fed the notion that chivalry exists, that Prince Charming will deliver us that fairy tales are true and yet it's really just one big deception isn't it? Prince Charming: the biggest practical joke ever played on women."
I am staring up at the defeated painting, my back turned to the room and I feel Edward step behind me as he whispers, "That is the saddest thing I have ever heard. Maybe Prince Charming's still tilting at windmills to get to you."
"There are just a lot of windmills out there… Maybe a shiny new one came along and distracted him… Or maybe he wasn't ever really prince charming…"
He's a respectable distance away from me, but I could still feel his warm breath tickle the back of my neck. It sends a slight warm, shiver down my spine. It was Esme's voice that brought me back to the present, "Speaking of Prince Charming, mine is down stairs and probably lost without me."
She excused herself, leaving me alone with the very person I was supposed to be avoiding. Fate certainly had it in for me. Wasn't it polite for us all to leave together? Edward was looking at some pictures I had on my desk, and he was grinning at one in particular. I peeked over his shoulder as he held the picture frame; it was Jake and I on his old bike.
"So, show me this terrace." He said to me, setting my picture frame down.
NO, NO, NO. That one part of my brain I should be listening to is screaming, but I'm not listening, as usual. I liked to think in that moment that I was totally innocent. But I wasn't. I knew what would happen out there, and I would have no one to blame but myself. I couldn't put it off on Edward anymore: he wasn't some "Lothario". I wanted him completely, and I was just as guilty as I stepped out the door and on to the terrace.
Edward came through behind me, grabbed me by my arm and whirled me around to face him. He caught me around the shoulders and pulled me up in his arms stroking my cheek with the back of his fingers. "Do you really think Prince Charming is a lie?" He was searching my face for the truth.
I swallowed hard, "Yes." He stared into my face as my eyes fell to his lips and then back to meet his gaze. He leaned in, softly kissing my lips. I felt my eyes close, as I pressed into him tighter and gave in to the heat that flowed through my body. I grabbed at Edward's bottom lip with mine, and poured days of frustration and desire into that lip lock. Edward let out a little moan, pressing his hand to my lower back. He was hard already, and I forced myself to move away from him.
"I thought I asked you not to kiss me again." I meant to sound authoritative, but the words came out utterly insincere.
"No. You asked me not to tell anyone." He clarified as he took a step towards me.
"We better get inside or the hounds will be out looking for me". I parried past him towards the door.
"Uh, I may need a minute." He said to me.
I chuckled a little before blushing. "As long as it's inside."
Edward lingered around the bathroom area as I made my way downstairs. I stepped off that last step and made my way towards that bottle of wine on the end of the counter. Alice appeared out of thin air.
"Where were you?"
"Upstairs." No point in lying to her. From her strategic position she could see the upstairs landing and pretty soon would see Edward Cullen coming down the steps.
"With who?" She said with suspicion.
"Who do you think? I'm weak Alice!" I laughed like a crazy person. Laughed? That hardly seemed like the appropriate response. And Alice agreed, dragging my ass outside to tell me just how inappropriate it was.
"What the fuck is the matter with you Bella? Your husband is right there. And I thought you were staying away from Edward. What happened upstairs?"
"Alice, for Charlie's sake. Give me some damn credit. Nothing happened upstairs; or at least not what you think."
"Oh I know that, there wasn't enough time. I want the truth Bella. I thought you decided to give your husband a chance."
Man, she was so in parent mode and it annoyed me. But she was also right. "Fine, but I want non-judgment from you. Okay?" I paused and took in a deep breath, "I kissed him and I liked it."
"You did?" She practically shrieked at me.
"And I want to do it again, over and over until my lips are raw. I'm a shitty person because I know I owe it to my husband to be fair. I wouldn't want him cheating on me, but I can't help it. I need Edward. And it's more than just physical; I can't quite explain it Alice. I know I'm an asshole: a huge, colossal asshole. Happy now?" I was trying desperately not to cry. But the bile was in my throat and my body trembled.
"Why would that make me happy, Bella? " She was saying to me as Jasper stepped through the backdoor.
"How we doing ladies?" He eyed us both with equal parts scorn and concern for arguing on the patio. And when he turned those gray eyes on me I felt so ashamed of myself. For the first time since I'd known him I felt he was really judging me. His lips pursed together he shook his head a little at me, "Bella don't make a fool of yourself."
And with those few words, tears spilled from my eyes and I felt worse than I'd ever imagined was possible. Not since Charlie was stolen from me had I felt this swirl of emotions that made my skin burn and my stomach boil. That hurt me so badly. I had so much respect for Jasper, and his harsh tone just cut straight to the bone. I sucked in a deep breath and blew it out and did the thing I did best: I shut down. I shut off, the whimper from Alice as she acknowledged the curt words from Jasper. I shut out the, "Oh darlin', I didn't mean to be so harsh" look on Jasper's face. And by sheer will, I forced all the bile, tears and pain down to fester in my stomach like an ulcer. I stared through everything around me as I hid inside of myself. My voice was flat and my face blank, "I have to see to my guests." I pushed through Alice and Jasper. Alice whispered my name and Jasper made a reach for me but I threw my stiff upper lip at them and walked into my home.
The rest of the evening I did a superb job as hostess. Everyone had snacks, drinks and conversation. I even found a way to collect the trash and pretty much keep things cleared up and clean. I also dodged Alice, Jasper and Edward the rest of the night. They all made several attempts to catch my attention, stop me as I buzzed around or corner me completely. I was hurting badly still from Jasper's criticism and more than that, I was hurting from the truth of his words.
The only time I said anything more to Edward was on his way out when I thanked him and his family for coming over. My hostess duties had given me the opportunity to talk to his sister, and actually decided I'd misjudged her a little. She was witty, sarcastic and she had moxy. And when she smiled, the harsh lines her face formed dissolved into a truly beautiful woman. She gave me a little squeeze out the door and made me promise to come take the Yoga class she taught. Emmett wrapped me in massive arms and picked me up, "You are awesome Bella. Thanks for inviting us over. It looks like my Rosie enjoyed herself too, and that makes me just love ya."
"Okay, let her breathe you big ape." I heard Rose saying to him.
The Whitlocks were the last to leave. I was still smarting over Jasper's earlier comments so I pouted more than was necessary as they left. I kinda gave them the cold shoulder, Alice saying to me, "I'm sorry about earlier. I should have saved it for later. You forgive me?" Of course I did, I hated when she apologized for being honest. But it still stung a little.
I looked at the ground and kicked at an imaginary pebble, "S'okay. I know you meant well." I choked on a few tears. It made me unhappy that I'd spent so many of my past few days crying or trying to not cry. She patted my arm and I waved her off. Jasper said, "Bella, I am so so sorry. I didn't mean to be so hurtful." He had both hands on my arms. I was crying again and frankly getting a little tired of the tears. Then he pulled me in his arms and squeezed me tight. I sunk into his grip, and into the single most comforting hug I'd had since before Charlie died. I realized that Jasper's unique ability to know exactly what people needed was at work.
"Thanks, Jasper. I haven't had a hug that good since Charlie died." I looked to Alice; she had tears in her eyes. "No crying Whitlock." I told her. "I'll call you later." And that was their cue to leave.
Jacob was climbing the stairs as I came back through the foyer, "I'm beat, see you upstairs." I was a little shocked he didn't offer to help clean up. But, then again, I wasn't. "I'll be up after I clean up down here." I told him. It took me an hour to get everything back to the way I liked it. I let Jacob smoke his cigars in the house and that was the only thing that still lingered, and would for days even with the fans that had been on in the media room. I hoped we could have a clear day coming up so I could close the door and open the windows. I tiptoed upstairs and found Jacob snoring on his back. That's what cigar smoking did too him. So down to my precious boat docks I ran, knowing that Edward would be out there.
EPOV
No one would shut up about Bella and Jacob. I wanted to vomit. If they only knew she was not quite as "sweet" as they seemed to think. But points to her for breaking the bitch shell that normally contained our sweet Rosalie. The whole family was staying over tonight. Is that weird? Her earlier words still bothered me. Why was it so hard to believe that there were some families out there that did indeed love each other? It made me wonder briefly just what kind of family environment she'd come from that the concept of kinship was lost on her. And then how glib was she; her notion that romantic love didn't exist at all. How could anyone relate to Don Quixote? He'd made the whole thing up just to impress a girl, even if he went insane in the process; it was all in the name of love. Bah, I don't think I'll ever understand women; they're just too damn infuriating.
By two in the morning I was still lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. I tried counting sheep, but every time I closed my eyes all I could see was Bella and the pout of her lips. When she kissed me this time, it was so desperate almost as if she was kissing me to see if I was Prince Charming. She searched my face for some sign, some flash of light and only found it in the crotch of my pants. That was all I had to offer her in that moment, and I felt completely absurd for it. I couldn't help the effect she had on me, anymore than she could.
I'd suddenly developed her bad habits and I pulled on a pair of jeans and grabbed my hoodie to head down to the docks. This was beginning to be a habit with us and habits worried me. I didn't get into habits with girls frequently. As was often the case she was already outside and sitting on the edge, wrapped up in a jacket.
"Did you enjoy yourself tonight?" She asked me.
"Yeah, and the rest of the family too."
"Good, I'm glad you brought them. And sorry about earlier today."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean when I gave you a hard time about hanging out with your family."
"Ah, it's okay. I realize we're probably a little nuclear for most people."
"It's not that. I was just a little jealous you still get to hang out with yours." She wasn't even looking at me.
"Really Bella, it's okay, you don't have to apologize. Things have been a bit weird since I moved in here."
She looked hurt: man I was just not good at this sort of thing. I was reaching to apologize now to her when she said, with some relief, "Yeah it has been weird; really fucking weird." Then she blurted out, "Edward, you can't kiss me anymore."
"You don't want me to kiss you?"
"Yes I do, and that's the problem. I'm married and if you keep kissing me, eventually I will forget and do something I will regret. I think for now I better keep away from the neighborhood playboy." She was wringing her hands in front of her, staring at her feet. Something she did quite often I noticed when she was nervous.
"That's noble of you; it's just too bad your husband doesn't feel the same way." I snapped back at her.
And there it was, my astute observation from tonight's party. It came out of my mouth before I could stop it. Her face flew up to look at me and she stood there with her jaw flexing and those little hands of hers were clinched in fists at her side. Her arms stiffened and she stood a little taller. I tried to stammer out something but my mouth had suddenly gone dry. The soft lines of her face were transformed into hard edges as her lips drew taut.
"How dare you!" She said to me through gritted teeth.
"Bella, I'm sorry I didn't mean for that to come out."
"How dare you!" She shrieked at me again.
"Bella, I'm so sorry I didn't mean…"
She interrupted, "Didn't mean to what? Didn't mean to presume I was some sniveling twit you could bed just by telling me you think my husband's cheating on me? Oh you've got some nerve."
"Take advantage of you?" I asked her. "You who looked me in the face while you screwed your husband."
"Like you didn't wish that was you." She snarled at me.
"Just like you didn't wish that was me." We were yelling as much as we could for having to be quiet. I was fairly certain this was not an argument we wanted our families to hear. And it was completely ridiculous. I felt like we were five years old and trading insults. I threw my hands up in the air in surrender.
"Go on Bella, play dumb about the reality you live in. It's working great for you." That was particularly nasty of me; I knew it as soon as I said it. But what did I owe her? My cold indifference astounded even me sometimes, and I wanted to punch my own nose for that shit. I was truly an asshole if I was going to be mad at her for trying to tell me no. I couldn't expect her to be faithful to me if she couldn't even manage it with her own husband. Then just to punish me, tears sprang from her eyes. Jesus Christ, what was wrong with me? I reached for her, but she jerked away.
"Don't fucking touch me!" She spat those words as she stood there glaring at me, her hands clenched into tighter fists.
"I'm sorry Bella, that was wrong of me, I didn't mean it." I stood there with the word JERK written on my forehead. She stood there staring at me as I watched a whole evolution of emotions pass her face. She settled on pissed, royally fucking pissed.
"Didn't mean it as in, you were just being an asshole by saying that? Or didn't mean it as in, I had no intention of telling you what I really thought and oopsie out it slipped?" She asked me.
"I was being an asshole." What I should have said was, I like you, a lot, and I want you and I'm being a punk, asshole, douche-bag because I can't have you. But I didn't say any of that shit. I didn't lay my cards on the table.
"I see." She said to me stiffly as she straightened her body. Out of all the things she could have said tonight, 'I see' made me feel like Captain Jerkface. It was like she handed me down my sentence with those two words. She stepped around me and walked in.
I am such a fucking idiot. I thought I had learned my lesson about married women a long time ago. I trudged up to the house. When I slid the back door open, Emmett was sitting on the couch.
"What's going on Bro?"
"Couldn't sleep."
"I think that's bullshit. What's going on?"
"Emmett, not tonight please. You can beat it out of my ass another time, just not fucking tonight okay?"
"I saw you out there you know. You fucking your neighbor?"
"NO! I am definitely not fucking the neighbor."
"Yeah but you want it. Everyone could see it tonight too, dude. "
"What? No, I don't want to fuck my neighbor either. She's married. Wait, what do you mean everyone saw it?"
"I mean you watched her, where ever she was. You had yourself positioned so you could see her the whole night. I bet you have blue balls right now over her." He emphasized this last part by thumping me in the nuts! God I hated that he felt the need to do that shit still like we were 18. If I thought I could kick his ass I would.
"Fucking asshole, I do not have blue balls. But I may never have children now, thank you." I was leaning on the couch with one hand on my junk and the other trying to hold myself up.
"Bullshit Eddie. You better hope that husband of hers didn't see you fawning all over Bella or you're gonna wish you'd never been born. That dude will put a hurtin' on you for sure. And he'd be right to do it dude, she's fucking married. I would kill a mother fucker if they got near my Rosie."
"You do know her husbands cheating on her right? That piece of shit had the nerve to bring his bitch in the same house with Bella. Right under her nose. He was sneaking in little touches all night."
"How is that any different that what you were doing?"
"I'm not fucking Bella. Her husband is fucking that girl from La Push."
"Edward, don't be a fucking hypocrite. If she gave you permission you wouldn't even think twice about it. And the intent to cheat is just as bad as going through with it. Leave her alone and let her figure it out herself. Anything you do will only influence her, and what if, just what if you were wrong about what you saw." Emmett never called me Edward. Ever. Since the day I met him I've always been Ed, Eddie, dickhead anything but Edward. He was really being serious, so like a child being scolded I said, "What if you were too?" He laughed at me, clapping me on the back.
"Yeah right! One thing this guy knows is pussy. And I know when I guy is chasing pussy. I am never wrong about that shit. It's like a fucking gift. Do yourself a favor, stroke your shit to her and find another slice of pie. Speaking of pie, I'm gonna go wake Rosie up." He wagged his eyebrows at me and headed up the stairs.
"Stay out of my elevator!" I hollered after him and all I heard was the rich bass of his laughter booming through the house. Since when did that meathead get so fucking smart? Rose must have taught him to read recently. But I had to admit that he made a good point, and I should just stay away from her. So here I was going to bed, and in the morning I would just be her neighbor. That's it, nothing more.
Thank goodness for S. Meyer or I wouldn't have any of these characters to write fanfic about. And yay to the genius of Depeche Mode. Thank you to every one who reads! XOXO