10

The following morning Sheldon found an unexpected visitor in his office when he arrived at work.

"Sheldon, I demand that you cease all interaction with Penny at once."

"I'm sorry but I will be unable to comply with that request. Penny is my best friend and I am hers. We will continue to interact."

"She lied to and insulted me Sheldon. And she is being horrible to Leonard."

"I'm sorry, Amy Farrah Fowler but I do not see it that way."

"Penny is not acting like the bestie she is supposed to be."

"I'm sorry, Amy Farrah Fowler, but as I recall that you are the one that declared Penny your "Bestie." I do not recall Penny ever making such a declaration. It is my contention that she was merely being polite in tolerating it from you."

"As your girlfriend I expect your unwavering support."

"I am a scientist. As such it is my duty to analyze the available data and reach an appropriate conclusion. The data leads me to believe that you are uncomfortable with a particular situation, for example Penny's friendship with Nora, and as a result you expect me to also express my discomfort with said situation. This is akin to the "bros before hoes" maxim that Leonard is so fond of employing. I am given to understand that this is actually not a rule or even a custom, but in reality the declaration of a party who knows they are in the wrong but wishes their compatriots to support them in any case. I rejected the maxim from Leonard and I reject it from you also, Amy Farrah Fowler."

"I am unsure where we go from here, Sheldon."

"Our Relationship Agreement lists a number of options. I suggest you consult it."

"In the meantime I wish to schedule some social interactions with you."

"Well, my calendar is quite full at the moment but I believe we have a date night scheduled for next Thursday."

"I would prefer to see you prior to that but when I perused your online calendar I saw either Penny's or Nora's name listed for virtually every evening."

"What can I say? They submitted the appropriate email requests and when I saw I had time available I added them to my schedule."

"Sheldon, during the entire time I've known you, you have followed a very regimented schedule. Thai food on Monday, Cheesecake Factory on Tuesday, stupid new comic books and Halo Wednesday, Pizza on Thursday except for Anything-Can-Happen Thursday which is now our date night, Chinese Food and more stupid games on Friday and laundry on Saturday. I fail to understand why you would suddenly reject that schedule without undue influence and interference from Penny and that bitch she now lives with."

"First, I would thank you to refrain from using such language when you speak of my friends. And second, my schedule has not changed. Only the location has. Since Penny has no desire to interact with Leonard and I support my friend in this regard, these events are currently taking place at Penny's and Nora's apartment. As you are currently not welcome there you have not been included. There are two possible solutions. I would suggest that you either expend a greater effort at getting back in Penny's good graces or you convince Leonard to change his habitation paradigm."

"I reject your proposal and posit that you are being a bad boyfriend."

"As I said last night, you are quite welcome to file a formal written complaint and I will consider it. Thus far you have not. Now you have delayed the start of my workday and I have a great deal of work to do. If you have nothing further to say, please depart. Unless you are planning to make more of these unscheduled visits and disrupting my work I will see you next Thursday. I will submit a plan for the evening's activities 24 hours prior to that, per our agreement."

"Goodbye, Sheldon. And just so you know for certain, I am not very happy with you."

"That is your prerogative, Amy Farrah Fowler. As I said, if you have an issue with my disposition of this matter, please submit the appropriate paperwork. Good day."

Amy marched out of Sheldon's office, slamming the door behind her. Sheldon took out his phone and sent Penny a text.

I FOUND AFF IN MY OFFICE. SHE IS QUITE PERTURBED WITH US. – SHELDON LEE COOPER, B.S., M.S., M.A., Ph.D., Sc.D.

NOT SURPRISED. CAN NORA AND I STOP BY A BIT LATER? B4 LUNCH.– P

OF COURSE. - SHELDON LEE COOPER, B.S., M.S., M.A., Ph.D., Sc.D.

At about 11:00am

"Hi, sweetie."

"Hello, Penny. Hello, Nora."

"Sheldon, I figured that Nora should probably stop by for lunch with you a couple of times a week to keep Leonard and Amy on their toes."

"That seems like a reasonable plan. It will also likely keep Leonard away from our table. His mooning over you and complaints are quite tiresome. I'm certain Howard and Raj would prefer Nora's company to his also. I should, however warn you that the food is not exactly high quality."

"That's okay. As long as I can get a salad I'll be happy."

"Wonderful. Was there anything else?"

"Sweetie, we kind of thought what we need to amp things up on the Amy front. You finding her in your office this morning was way out of line. We should probably bring Alex in on this. And since there's a pretty good chance that based on his past behavior Leonard will probably target her I think she kind of deserves a heads up."

"Penny, that is very thoughtful of you."

Sheldon picked up his phone and hit the intercom button.

"Alex, can you come in here for a moment?"

A minute later Alex appeared at the door.

"Dr. Cooper. Am I in trouble? I tried to stop Dr. Fowler from coming into your office but she wouldn't listen."

"Alex, you are not in trouble. I merely wish to enlist your aid in a personal matter."

"I hope you aren't going to make any inappropriate suggestions. I really don't want to deal with Human Resources again."

"No. Absolutely not. In fact, my friends here will make certain that I do not say anything untoward. I'm sure you remember my friend, Penny. And this is Nora."

"Right. You're Dr. Hofstadter's friend."

"Yeah. Not so much anymore."

"Alex, that is one of the reasons we wished to speak with you. Penny has terminated her relationship with Dr. Hofstadter and we wished to inform you that, judging from his past behavior, you may expect him to come seeking favor with you."

"Okay, I made a mistake. I'm not interested in him. Not like that. We've been over this."

"Alex, please. We aren't trying to put you on the spot. We're really only trying to give you a heads up. And maybe some advice. Leonard is bad news. You probably don't want to get involved."

"Penny, I really, really don't. I mean, I guess your breakup with him was pretty recent. But he's been pretty consistent with his attentions toward me for a long time. His smile is always just a little too big and there's this thing he does with his eyebrows."

"The sad puppy dog fuck me look?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry to say I fell for it way too often. I was an idiot."

"What should I do?"

"Alex, I suggest you ignore him and if he persists, contact Human Resources. I will support you."

"Thank you, Dr. Cooper. I appreciate it."

"Alex, when it is just us and my friends in the office you may call me Sheldon."

"Thank you, Sheldon."

"There is another matter. From here forward I would prefer that you not put Dr. Fowler's calls directly through to me."

"But isn't Dr. Fowler your girlfriend?"

"She is at this juncture, but I believe she is taking liberties with her access. I also would prefer that she not be allowed to be in my office without my presence. Or yours."

"Thank you, Dr. Cooper, um, Sheldon. I didn't want to say anything but after she's been alone in our offices everything kind of smells funny."

"Excuse me?"

"Sheldon, I kind of know what that is."

"Penny?"

"When Amy wants someone to like her or stake a claim she spreads her scent. She rubs herself against stuff and licks things like phones and staplers and stuff like that. I saw her doing it in here and she told me that she did it all over my apartment. I spent three freaking days scrubbing everything in my apartment with bleach after that. I'm sorry I didn't say anything to you."

Sheldon pushed himself back from his desk in alarm, terrified to touch anything.

"That is absolutely an invasion of my personal space and it is unacceptable. And the germs involved! Alex, when we are done here, please contact building maintenance and request an immediate top to bottom cleaning of our offices, and possibly a paint job. And please find out if we can replace the furnishings. After lunch I will be returning home to likewise clean my apartment and all of my property."

"Certainly, Sheldon."

"Now, Alex, just as I have said to not put Dr. Fowler directly through that likewise goes for Dr. Hofstadter. However, should Penny or Nora telephone me I would wish to speak with them immediately."

"Absolutely."

At that point Nora, who had been silent, leaned over to Penny and whispered something in her ear. Penny looked back at her.

"Really?"

Nora nodded.

"Alex, I'm having a little get-together on Sunday evening. Just girls. Myself, Nora and Howard Wolowitz's wife, Bernadette, I don't know if you've met her. I'd really like it if you could join us. It's very informal. Around 6. And Sheldon may stop by at some point but no Drs. Fowler or Hofstadter."

"I'd like that. Should I bring something, like a bottle of wine?"

"Um, no wine. Trying to stay away from the drinky stuff. But something dessert-y would be nice."

"Okay. Sounds good."

"Thank you, Alex. I trust nothing that's been said here has made you in any way uncomfortable."

"No, Sheldon, it didn't. In fact I think you've made me feel more comfortable today than I've been the entire time I've been working for you."

"With me, Alex. You work with me."

"Thank you, Sheldon. If we're done, I'll head back to my office and arrange for the cleaning."

"I'm going to get going too. I need to hit the gym. If there's any chance the world is going to be seeing all of me I'm going to make damn sure it's the best looking me possible. Enjoy lunch."

"Thank you, Penny. And you need not be so concerned because you have been beautiful every single moment I've known you."

Penny blushed.

"Thank you, Moonpie."

"Penny, you know…"

"Yeah. Meemaw. Moonpie. Et cetera. See ya later.

"Nora, you've been extraordinarily quiet today."

"Um, yeah. Sorry. My mind was elsewhere. Ready for lunch?"

"I am. Shall we hold hands as we go?"

"Sure. Why not?"

A little while later, Leonard entered the lunchroom with his tray of food. When he saw Sheldon, Howard and Raj having a lively discussion with Nora at their regular table he decided to bring his lunch back to his lab and eat there.