A/N: So, as promised: a super long chapter (my longest so far). This chapter is mostly dialouge to understand a little more about Arizona. Also I think there is way too little about Teddy's and Arizona's friendship on the show. So, this chapter is pure Teddy/Arizona. I hope you enjoy!
Because I myself got a little confused with the time (you know, jumping around between the different characters and stuff) , I decided to write down a little time line:
The shooting was on a Thursday (since Grey's always airs on Thursdays) Callie was shot in the afternoon and was evacuated two hours later. Arizona was evacuated before her.
On the same day Arizona found out about the shooting, she watched the sun set with Teddy. Then there was Callie's surgery. Arizona slept a few hours in the on-call room and visited Callie that night before Callie woke up.
On Friday, Callie was up, Mark found out about Derek and Arizona visited Callie again and left.
Then we are in this chapter. The flashback is set approximately a few hours after lunch on Friday.
Disclaimer: Don't own anything.
Part X
Teddy's POV
I was looking for Arizona everywhere. I hadn't seen her since I left her in the on-call room yesterday. I thought she would be with Callie, trying to sort out their problems so she could be there for her. How wrong I had been...
FLASHBACK
I had spent the night at home, trying to get at least a few hours of sleep before coming back to Seattle Presbyterian and checking on my friends. To my big relief Owen was okay. It was almost funny, actually. Owen was a guy who couldn't sit still, so he was up and walking around. Christina spent most of her time chasing after him to make him rest.
Derek and Alex were still weak, but both on the road to recoverey.
When I came to Callie's room I sensed that something was wrong. The lights were dimmed, no flowers or presents were laying around like in the other patient rooms, it was all silent. I entered the room cautiously. There was no one sitting or sleeping in the chair. She's not alone, is she? Why is Arizona not here?
I found Mark, laying in bed next to Callie. Holding her and stroking her hair softly while she slept in his arms. Even in her sleep her expression looked pained. I could see she had been crying.
When Mark saw me he got up slowly. He moved carefully to not wake her. His usual untroubled face was now filled with worry. We went out of the room to talk.
"How is she?", I asked, dreading to know the answer.
"Not good. She won't eat, she didn't talk to the physical therapist, she won't even take any pain meds. She is alive, but she doesn't act like it", he told me defeated.
"What happened?"
"I am not sure. I saw Arizona entering her room like three hours ago, so I left to give them some time to talk and sort things out. When I came back Arizona was gone and Callie wouldn't stop crying. I've never seen her like this. It seems like she has given up completely."
Mark was devastated. He felt so much for Callie, was there for her when nobody else was, held her when nobody else would. I wished I had a friend like that. Wait.. Am I jelous of someone who is laying in a hospital bed with a gunshot wound and a broken.. no, a shattered heart? Teddy, what's wrong with you?
"I don't want to leave her alone for too long, she just fell asleep", Mark told me. "You want to come sit with me? I am sure she would appreciate the company."
"No, I have something to do. I'll see you later." I hugged him because he really looked like he needed it and then I left, promising to myself that I would find Arizona and find out what exactly happened.
END OF FLASHBACK
I checked every room of the hospital, twice. But there was no sign of the blonde. I called her dozens of times but she never picked up.
I went to her apartment. I almost smashed the door with my knocking, but there was no answer. After a few minutes a neighbor came out of his apartment, looking for the source of the noise. He told me he hadn't seen Arizona since yesterday morning, when she left for work.
I was really worried and I ran out of places to look for her. In a last desperate attempt to find her I drove to Seattle Grace Mercy West hospital. The hostpital had been closed, but the doctors had still access to some areas to get their stuff and patient files.
I stood at a traffic light a few blocks away from the hospital when a blue VW bug caught my eye. Isn't that Arizona's car? It was parked next to a small coffee shop.
When I entered the shop I instantly saw her. She was sitting with her back to me, in front of her a huge plate filled with doughnuts and a coffee. I sat down across from her.
She stared at her plate for a while before saying sadly: "They aren't helping."
"What?", I asked surprised.
"The doughnuts. Doughnuts always made me feel better. But they aren't helping anymore."
"Arizona, what happened? I checked on Callie earlier. She is devastated. She doesn't eat, she doesn't take any pain meds, she won't talk to Mark. What happened?"
"I.. I don't.. I couldn't... I couldn't stay. I just couldn't. I left her." A tear escaped her eyes and she was quick to wipe it away.
"Why? I mean, I don't understand. Don't you love her anymore?"
"Of course I do. I've never loved someone as much as I love her."
"Then what's the problem? Do you think she doesn't love you?"
"No. I don't think that. I know she loves me. She told me she loves me." Arizona swallowed hard before she could continue. "She told me she doesn't want kids. That she'd rather be with me."
"But.. isn't that what you wanted?", I asked, desperatly trying to understand her.
"Yes, I mean, no. I don't... No! I mean, I don't want kids. But I don't want her to give that up for me. She deserves everything she wants. She deserves to be happy, even if that means I have to let her go."
"But she isn't happy."
"She will be. Eventually, she will be."
"She would be happy with you."
"I'm not so sure about that." Arizona stared at her doughnuts again.
"What? Why would you say that? I've seen you two together. You make her annoyingly happy. And she told you she didn't want to have kids. Arizona, why are you not with her?", I pressed the blonde.
Arizona took a bite of a doughnut before answering.
"She said it before. She told me she didn't want to have kids weeks ago. And you know what then happened. In the end she didn't mean it. We were both heart broken." She took another bite.
"We had an argument. Before the lock down. She told me she hated me for not trying to change for her. She had resent me for not wanting children." Another bite.
"And now we are in the exact same place again. Again, she told me she didn't want children. But I don't believe her."
"Arizona, you..", I started when she took another bite of a doughnut.
"No! Let me finish, please." She swallowed. "I don't believe that she doesn't want kids. I mean, I believe that she believes it now. But she was just shot. She's in pain, she's in shock, she thought she would die. I believe she means it now. But what about next year? Or the year after that? Eventually she will resent me for not wanting kids again. And I.. I can't..."
Arizona had rambled all of that out until her voice broke. Slowly I was beginning to understand what she felt. She was afraid of loosing Callie again.
"I want to be there for her, I really do. But if I would go to her now, I wouldn't want to leave ever again. And that wouldn't be fair to Callie. She deserves someone who can give her everything she wants. Even if that's not me."
We sat in silence for a while. I was desperately trying to think of something to say. Truth is, I didn't know how Callie felt. I couldn't tell Arizona what to do. I knew Callie needed her, but I also understood the reasons why Arizona wasn't with her right now.
Arizona's POV
I didn't know how Teddy found me and frankly I didn't care. I was glad she was here with me and listened. I was never one to open up much to other people, so I was surprised to find out that talking about it actually helped a little, especially because I had the feeling that Teddy understood where I was coming from.
The doughnuts didn't help. The tasted like carton, but I continued eating them anyway.
After I had finished my ranting about why I couldn't be with Callie we just sat there. She had ordered a coffee and was sipping on it. I just ate my doughnuts and drank my coffee, although it was cold and tasted horrible. It was not like I tasted much anyway. Teddy seemed to be thinking about something. I felt a little guilty because we only talked about me. She was there for me and I leaned on her and burdened her with my problems, when I was sure she was having enough of her own.
The sound of Teddy clearing her throat brought me out of my thoughts.
"Can I ask you something?", she asked, seeming almost nervous. I just nodded my head.
"Why don't you want children?"
I had not expected that question from her. Callie had never asked me that. She had just assumed things, which drove me crazy. I stared at her for a while, before remembering that she had asked me something and I was supposed to answer.
Teddy's POV
Arizona looked at me startled. She didn't answer for a while, and I thought that maybe, she wasn't going to anymore. Maybe it was too personal, but then she shook her head, as if she was coming out of a trance and answered: "For a number of reasons."
I sure as hell hoped that they were good reasons, after all, she had walked away from Callie because of this. Arizona didn't look like she was going to continue, she just bit into another doughnut.
"Well..?", I promted her to continue.
"Well.. uhh.. there is the peds thing. I never really had pictured myself with kids. I mean, I always liked kids, that's why I went into peds after all. But peds is tough you know. I saw so many bad things happening to such good kids. And I also saw what it did to the parents. They broke down until they weren't themselves anymore. After starting in peds I was sure I wouldn't want kids of my own. That was years ago and I was so convinced that I didn't want them, that I didn't even think about the possiblity. I mean, most of my losses affect me too much already, I can't even think about what it would do to me if something happened my own child. I don't...", Arizona trailed off and was holding back tears.
I took her hand in mine and gave it a squeeze. "But Arizona", I started, she wanted to interrupt me, but I wouldn't let her and continued: "do you really want to have your life ruled by your fears? Yes, I know, you see many bad things happen. But what about the joy? You always told me about it. The joy when you give them their whole lives back. You are strong, Arizona. You're a, I think the term that Callie used was, good man in the storm." She looked at me with a mixture of shock and surprise.
"Callie told me how you stood up to her father. I know you have issues with authorities, but still you stood up to him, you faced your fears for her. And wasn't it worth it?"
"Well, yeah, but..", Arizona started, looking for the right words. "It's not the same", she finished in a feeble attempt. She was quick to continue. "It's not just that. It's also because of my brother. He died in Iraq a few years ago. I saw how it changed my parents. They are only slowly now starting to live their lives again, but I'm afraid a part of them died with him."
"It's always hard to loose a kid. But they have each other and they have you. I bet your parents are just as strong as you are. If they can get past something like that, that would mean that you could too. Don't you think you and Callie could overcome anything?"
Although her expression was still sad, I saw her lips twich into a small smile. But it vanished again soon and instead her face showed various emotions. Sadness, confusion, and... regret?
"But there's more. I'm selfish. No, Teddy, don't look at me like that. I am selfish. And I don't mind being selfish. I mean, I'm a doctor. I save kids all day, I deserve to be a little selfish. I spend my entire day around kids and I was always happy to come home and just spend time with adults. And Callie and I, we... we were in a good place. I didn't want that to change. I didn't want my life to change, because I like it the way it is. And kids.. kids change everything. And I'm.. I'm selfish. I didn't want to change. We were good and I.."
"Arizona", I tried to stop her rambling but she just kept on going. "Arizona!", my voice was stern now. "That can't be it! You didn't want your life to change? Are you kidding me? Look around, Arizona. Your life has changed. You can't stop that from happening. You are telling me reasons for not having kids, but those reasons can't be it. I mean, I get that you see what happens to people when they loose a child and that you are afraid of that, but like I said: You and Callie, you could overcome anything! I mean, did you even think about the possibility to have kids with Callie? Did you even think this through? Please, tell me you didn't leave Callie without thinking this through!"
She looked at me, now mostly shocked. She opened her mouth to reply something, but then closed it again. Finally she was able to form words: "Of course. I.. I mean.. I love Callie! I just thought.." She looked down, as if she were ashamed.
"I always wondered if I was who she wanted or I just happened to be there, so she was with me. Unconsciously I always waited for her to tell me that I wasn't enough. And then when she told me that she wanted to have kids, something inside of me just snapped. And I thought, 'okay, this is it. This is a deal breaker.' I wanted to avoid the topic. I had talked about kids with two other women before and it didn't end well. But then she kept pushing the topic. And instead of asking me why I didn't want kids, she just assumed things. That made me so mad, that I almost drove her away. Then she said, she didn't want kids, and I thought she meant it. I mean, I wanted to think that she meant it. It would have been perfect." She paused her rambling. The she looked up from her doughnuts, tears in her eyes and almost yelled: "She never asked!"
"I mean, I thought about it. Callie told me once to picture a baby, and I.. I see babies all the time and I never felt a connection to them. And she told me about how great it would be to hold it and I mean, yeah, they are cute, but..."
"Arizona! I wasn't asking if you were thinking about any kids. I was asking if you thought about having kids with Callie." She looked at me confused so I explained. "Don't imagine any of your kids from the NICU. Okay, um.. imagine a little girl. Black hair, tanned skind and beautiful dark brown eyes, just like Callie's. She's running around in your house with heelys..."
Arizona's POV
She never asked! She never made me think about why I didn't want to have children in the first place! I was sitting there, shocked at that realization. Trying to explain to Teddy, as much as to myself, why I didn't want kids.
But Teddy tore down all my arguments and it seemed to make sense. Now she was telling me about kids. But not just about any kids. She was talking about Calliope's kids.
"...running around in your house with heelys." I smiled at that thought. Callie would never allow that. Although she admitted that she thought it was cute that I wore them, she hated them. She always told me that one day I would end up in the ER because of them.
"She would be just as annoyingly perky as you. And then, think about a little boy, blue eyes, dimples, your blonde hair." I swallowed hard and closed my eyes as she described him. I could picture this little boy easily. He reminded me of my dead brother.
"He would show everybody how strong and hardcore he is, but when no one else is around he would come in your and Callie's bed at night when there is a thunderstorm outside."
Teddy's POV
As I told Arizona how I pictured their children, she closed her eyes. Tears where streaming down her face, but she didn't bother to wipe them away. Despite the tears she was smiling and it was the most genuine smile I had seen from her in weeks.
As I continued her crying increased and soon light sobs were shaking her body. I got up and sat next to her, taking her in my arms. I stopped talking, thinking I had made my point.
"No, don't stop, please", she pleaded, so I continued.
"And when Callie is in the hospital you would give them ice cream for dinner because, let's face it Arizona, you can't cook." I heard a short laughter through her sobs. "And you would tell the kids not to tell Callie but Callie would know anyway. And Callie would buy them everything they want and more. Designer baby clothes, a pony for their sixth birthday, a chauffeur for their thirteenth. And you would tell her to stop, because you don't want your kids to be spoiled, but secretly you'd love that she can't say no to them. Neither could you by the way, because they would be smart, just like their mommies. And they would know how to make you do everything they want you to. And then when they grow up they'll be doctors, or lawyers, or clowns." She laughed out again. "And you would love them, no matter what they do with their lives because they would be your kids, Arizona. Your's and Callie's."
Arizona's crying had stopped, her eyes were still closed and a smile graced her features. She looked at peace and genuinely happy. I had to admit, I was more than just a little proud of myself.
But suddenly she jumped up. "No!", she all but yelled. "Oh, no! No, no, no!" I was completely caught off guard. What did just happen?
"Arizona? Arizona! What's wrong?" But she seemed like she didn't hear me. She started pacing in the small coffee shop. When the owner shot her an evil glare I quickly put some money on the table and pulled her outside.
Arizona's POV
Pictures of little kids that looked like Calliope and my brother were playing in my mind. And for the first time in I don't know how long I wasn't scared at the thought of having children. At first I didn't even realize that I was smiling. But when I did my smile grew even bigger. I wasn't scared anymore. I mean, yes, the thought that something could happen to them was still terrifying. But Teddy was right, Callie and I were strong. Together, we could do anything. Teddy had stopped talking, but the images of the kids were still there. Mine and Callie's children. Mmmm.. Callie. My Calliope. Oh shit! Calliope!
I jumped up in sudden realization. "No!" Reality came crashing down. I'm too late! I had walked away from her. She needed me and I walked away. Arizona Robbins! You are stupid, stupid, stupid! I hadn't even realized that Teddy had dragged me out of the coffee shop. I paced, cursing myself for taking so long to realize that having children with Callie wasn't a bad thing at all. Now it was too late. I had walked away from her while she was laying in a freaking hospital bed with a freaking gun shot wound!
A sudden pain brought me out of my thoughts. I stared at Teddy in shock.
"Did you just... slap me?"
"Well.. yeah. I'm really sorry, and in my defense I really tried talking to you first but you wouldn't listen. Then I pinched your arm, but you didn't even flinch", she replied sheepishly.
I raised my hand to my face. I had never been slapped before and I was surprised by how much it actually hurt.
"Are you going to tell me why you freaked out?"
"I.. umm.. because of Callie", I answered absentmindedly, still a little starled by the fact that she had slapped me.
"I figured that much. I'm afraid you have to be a little more specific."
I went to the next bench and slumped down on it. "What shall I do, Teddy?", I asked her defeatedly. She just looked at me in confusion.
"I mean about Callie. I can't just go there and tell her I changed my mind. After fighting about it for weeks, after walking away from her when she needed me. How could she possibly forgive me? I wouldn't even fogive myself. Hell, I can't forgive myself for being so stupid. What I did.. it is inexcusable. And now that I realize, that I want to be with her. That I want to have a life and a family with her.. it is too late."
Teddy placed a hand on my shoulder. "Arizona, I don't think it's too late. Yes, I have to admit, what you did was unbelievably stupid. But Callie still loves you, otherwise she wouldn't be so miserable. Just go there. Make her see how sorry you are. Show her how much you love and need her. Talk to her about having kids. I am sure, she will forgive you."
I looked up at her. "How do I do that?"
"Well, that's easy." She smiled down at me. "Just be yourself again."