Gaius was called to the king's chamber by a terrified page. He knew it was time. The old physician picked up his bag, already packed, and made his way to Merlin.

Arthur looked frantic when Gaius got there. Merlin was lying on Arthur's bed , his face crinkled up in pain. Arthur was sitting next to him, squeezing Merlin's hand in encouragement.

Gaius had checked on Merlin a few days before. His belly was larger than a normal woman's would be in pregnancy. Gaius just chalked it up to Merlin's body not being built to handle childbirth. That's what he was concerned about now. They hadn't really discussed at all how they were going to get the baby out of Merlin. Gaius was beyond hoping Merlin would spontaneously turn into a woman and give birth. They were going to have to do it the hard way.

Merlin blanched when Gaius took out the scalpel. "Please tell me you are not using that on me."

Gaius gave him a sympathetic look. "Sorry Merlin."

"Then do you mind if I borrow that? I'd like to kill myself first."

Arthur gripped Merlin's hand a little too tightly. "Don't joke about that, Merlin. I swear. Don't you ever say that again."

Gaius sighed. The hormones were making Merlin melodramatic. "You won't feel a thing. Between my herbs and your magic, you'll be fine. I promise."

Merlin still eyed the knife warily. "If you're wrong, I'm going to come back to haunt you."

Arthur snorted. "Yes dear, now lay back and let the nice doctor do his work."

Merlin calmed down a bit several potions and a few suspicious tasting calming droughts later. He also began to hallucinate.

"Arthur? Why is there a dragon on your head?" Merlin reached out towards his lover. "Come here little duck. Oh! It bit me." He started laughing.

The king looked at Gaius desperately. "What's wrong with him?"

The physician looked uncomfortable. "I may have overdosed him. It's just a side affect, it'll wear off soon enough."

"Hey Arthur, do you want to hear a joke?"

"Sire, if you would just humor him, a distraction if you will."

Arthur sighed. "Fine Merlin, what is it?"

"What do you call a mosquito in a tin suit?"

"I don't know," the king deadpanned. "What?"

"A bite in shining armor!" Merlin giggled hysterically. "Get it?"

Arthur shook his head but couldn't help smiling at Merlin.

"I got another one. What did they put on the knight's grave?" Merlin didn't give the king a chance to answer. "Rust in peace!" He burst out laughing at his own wit.

"Merlin, what did we say about you trying to be funny?"

"I shouldn't."

"Exactly." Arthur glanced over at Gaius. He had rubbed in all the ointments and was preparing the scalpel. "Stay with me now, Merlin. Keep your eyes on me okay?"

Merlin smiled goofily. "Why was Camelot's army so tired?"

"I have no idea, Merlin. Do tell me," Arthur said sarcastically.

"It had too many sleepless knights!"

Arthur groaned. At that moment, Gaius chose to lower his scalpel and make the first incision. Merlin flinched automatically. "Ouch!"

Arthur grasped his arm. "What's wrong?"

Merlin tilted his head to the side. "Oh nothing. I can't actually feel it. It's just weird seeing your insides."

The king made a face at him. "Merlin. I was worried. Now stop looking at your innards. It's…unseemly."

Gaius snorted. At least getting Merlin high off numbing droughts had some upsides. He made the second cut with the instrument and carefully mopped up the blood.

Merlin did his best to ignore Gaius. "What do you call a good warlock?"

Arthur rolled his eyes. "What is it Merlin?"

"A charming fellow."

"That wasn't even funny," Arthur pointed out.

"Hey! I made that one up myself."

"No wonder."

Merlin pouted. "Fine you tell me one."

Arthur glanced at Gaius who was still hard at work. He thanked whatever deities were up there that Merlin wasn't feeling any pain. The warlock didn't even seem to be aware anymore that he was supposed to be in the middle of giving birth.

"Once there was a beautiful princess who was kidnapped by an evil king. The king kept her in a high tower and forced her to wear an awful dress. 'You won't get away with this. Some brave knight will rescue me!"' the princess cried. The king replied, 'Not in that dress.' But he was right, the princess waited day after day, but every knight who rode by was scared away by her dress. After many months, the princess broke down crying. The evil king taunted her, "You see? I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!"

Merlin started laughing, a little too high-pitched and a little too long, until he began to hiccup. Arthur sat back smugly. "See? I can tell jokes better than you too."

Merlin's retort was cut off by a loud, bawling cry. Arthur looked at the baby Gaius was lifting from Merlin's body in wonder.

It wasn't pretty, skin purplish pink, face scrunched up mid-squall, and covered in a sheen of bodily fluids. Yet Arthur looked at their child and felt an instantaneous bond. This was his baby, the one he made with Merlin, another man. That child was precious, a miracle in their own right.

Gaius handed the infant to a bewildered Arthur. "Congratulations sire, it's a girl."

Arthur couldn't bring himself to feel disappointed. Girl or boy, he would have treasured her all the same. They would deal with heirs another day.

He looked into the face of his daughter. Arthur couldn't really tell who she looked like. Neither he nor Merlin were bald or red-faced.

Gaius was dealing with the birthing cord when he made a surprised noise. Arthur had to resist making a face when Gaius stuck his hand back in the incision. Merlin was just peering down his body with a potion-induced chipper curiosity that Arthur envied.

"Why I'd never!" Gaius lifted a second baby out of Merlin's womb.

Arthur's mouth fell open. "Twins?"

Merlin giggled. "It's like a magic trick. What else is in there?"

Gaius tutted. "I'm quite done, Merlin. I assure you. Now I need your help to heal this, all right?"

Merlin grinned widely. "Anything Gaius."

The physician thrust a scrap of paper into his hands. On it was a line of copied runes. "Read this."

"Bredan þás dolgbenne ond bate mín bánsele."

Nothing happened. Gaius didn't look perturbed. "Keep trying."

Merlin tried again. And again. Still nothing.

Gaius frowned and looked at his ward's crimson stained middle.

"Come on Merlin, you can do this."

Merlin smiled inanely. "Do what, exactly?"

"Heal yourself," Gaius snapped. "I know you're out of it but I need you to use your magic to heal yourself."

Merlin tried again. Gaius was getting impatient. "Merlin, please hold your child for me. Do you think you can do that?"

He nodded eagerly. Gaius dropped his bundle in Merlin's arms. Then he set about staunching the bleeding and packing the wound with herbs.

"All right Merlin, I'm giving you one last try before we do this the hard way."

Arthur stepped forward, still cradling his daughter. "What does that entail, exactly?"

"I'll have to bandage it up like a sword wound I suppose. I've never had to do this for a woman before. But even without the risk of infection, childbirth is a dangerous process. That's why we need Merlin to heal himself with magic. Or else there may be complications." Gaius explained wearily.

Complications. Just like his mother. Arthur shook Merlin with his free hand. "Come on Merlin, you've got to do this. Don't you want to show me Merlin? Show me something you're good at. Let me see you do magic for me."

Merlin's silly grin widened. "Yes sire. Bredan þás dolgbenne ond bate mín bánsele."

His eyes burned golden and his voice took on a strange timbre. Arthur's eyes went to Merlin's stomach. It looked like an invisible stream of water was flowing over his skin, erasing all blemishes and leaving it flawless. Arthur couldn't help reaching over and tracing over where a gaping cut had been a moment earlier.

"That's incredible," he whispered.

Merlin held up the sleeping infant he had been holding. "Hey Arthur. Meet our new son."

The spell means: Knit this wound and heal my body, unless i completely screwed up my old english. The jokes are not mine, but they made me smile. And sorry I know absolutely nothing about childbirth so it's entirely made up.