11:05 p.m.

Blubbing.

As usual.

Two minutes later

A moment after Dave hugged me he pulled away a bit and looked at me. He said, "It is not fair, Sex Kitty. You use me as your red herring, run around with some bloody homosexualist Italian, and don't turn up at my going away do, and I am hardly miffed. I will have to be a bit harder with you, kittykat—ooer!"

I gave him a really pathetic, watery smile. Dave the Laugh was even a laugh when his mates were CRAP to him. And when he was about to go to Lederhosen-a-gogo forever.

But then he went all serious again. And he said, "Do not worry about me leaving, Gee. I'll be alright, and anyway I will come back for visits. I'll bring presies. And you will have your Italian Stallion to look after you."

Oh blimey. My red bottom has gotten so out of hand that I sort of forget that I have got a boyfriend when I'm round Dave the Laugh.

I said, "Oh, yes well, I…erm…I don't know if—I mean to say…"

And Dave smiled a bit crookedly. He said, "What is it, Sex Kitty?"

I said I was not sure about Masimo or some bloody rubbish like that.

Dave was really smiling now.

11:09 p.m.

Honestly, I do not understand how my knickers let my enormously red fat bottom run away from them. Perhaps I ought to get some larger knickers.

One minute later

That is it!!! That is the secret to Jas's Specific Hornosity!!!! Really really huge knickers!

But then you have got to find someone really naff who fancies birds that run

round in their nan's undercrackers.

Er..no offense to Tom. He is a good lad and everything, I reckon he's the bee's knees but—

What am I on about? I was just telling you about Dave the Laugh…

Right then...

Placing brain back in head

After I made a huge red fool of myself telling Dave that I was not sure about Masimo, he said to me, really slowly, "Why? Fancy someone…ELSE?"

He said it in what I think he imagined to be a really innocent, offhand way. But it was not. It was sooooo naughty and obvious.

I just shrugged at him. Trying really really hard not to smile.

He raised his eyebrows.

I said, "Er…" and looked at him really pointedly.

And then Dave let out a little chuckle, put his arms round my waist and pulled me really tightly to him. It was vair vair lovely, and also I had a touch of the jelloid knickers.

He said, quite close to my ear, "It took you long enough, you mad kittykat."

I got really intense chills when he said it from his breath going all down my neck and round my ear.

Ohhhhh blimey.

11:20 p.m.

Eventually Dave and I went into Rosie's and everyone near the door just cheered when he came in. Barmy lot.

Two minutes later

Jas, Rosie, Jools, Mabs, Honor, and even Ellen practically attacked me when they saw me. They all started talking at once.

Jas said, "Blimey, it's about time!"

Jools said, "What happened between you and Dave?"

Ellen dithered, "Is he, you know, erm, angry with…?"

Rosie said, "Fancy a nuzzle against my beard?"

11:50 p.m.

The Ace Gang, Dave the Laugh and I have managed to squeeze in a really cracking time. But eventually the neighbors started coming round in turns to whinge about the noise. Everyone was all groaning about having to leave and it took Dave about forty years to say goodbye to everyone properly.

I was just dithering about with Jas and Rosie as Dave was hugging Ellen goodbye. She was practically snogging his ear whispering really fast into it. Dave looked sort of amused.

Hm…

12:01 a.m.

Ooooo-errrr. I was standing around waiting for Dave to tell me goodbye when he asked me to come round his house for a bit while he packs up the last of his things. I said, "Err…what about Emma?"

He looked over at her as she was craning her neck to look at us and then she tried really hard to look as though she hadn't been watching. Which she had been.

He said, "Don't worry Sex Kitty, I'll take care of it. Just hang about for a bit like you're going to help clean up or something, alright? Just come by for a bit, you can nip over to Jas's later and no one will be any the wiser."

Ohhhhh Dave the Laugh, you cad.

Walking along to Dave's

12:10 a.m.

Dave has gone mad. He is singing that bloody "Morning Train" song by that Easton tart. Really loudly. In the middle of the road. Just walking along doing linksie arms with me.

Honestly.

I said, "Oi, keep it down!"

And he said, "…HE TAKES ANOTHER HOME AGAIN, TO FIND ME WAITING FOR HIM…"

12:20 a.m.

Just sitting in Dave the Laugh's room. On his bed. At night. On his bed.

His bedroom is really really bare. Although there is crap just strewn all about the floor near his suitcases and boxes.

Dave the Laugh is, quite clearly, not a very good packer and also a bit on the untidy side.

My kind of bloke.

12:30 p.m.

When Dave started sorting his things he put some music on so I was just trying to look really into it. I felt a bit like a spaz just sitting there.

Eventually Dave fell over onto the floor really dramatically. As though he'd died from exhaustion. As though he'd built a city instead of thrown a few pairs of socks into a suitcase.

I laughed. What a sad prat I was.

12:45 a.m.

Dave and I have just been chatting. I luuuuurve our chats. He stayed all sprawled out on the floor and eventually I laid back onto his pillows. Just chatting.

He said, "I've got to ask kittykat. Why the sudden uncertainty about the Italian Stallion?"

I just stuttered for a bit like a fool and then said, "Well I, erm…you know…"

And Dave said, "Noo, I don't know, that is why I am asking."

­­­­­It was really quiet for a bit.

What was I supposed to say???

I sighed really loudly and I could feel my face going really really red. I was about half a step away from turning into Ellen.

I said, "What do you want me to say, Pantsmaster?"

And that is when he sat up and started doing pretend beard stroking. He leaned in toward the bed all smiling and looking really naughty.

He said, "Tell me you luuuurve me."

He is soooo annoying.

But I did not tell him that.

I said, "I luuuurve you."

"And that I am irresistible."

"You are irresistible."

"And that you want to shag me senseless."

I said, "You are bonkers."

But he just looked at me. Really sternly. And then he crossed his arms.

Just looking at me.

I would have to tell Dave the Laugh that he and his enormous pants had crossed the line.

Yes, that is what I was going to say.

I muttered, "And I want to shag you senseless."

Leave it.

12:47 a.m.

Dave the Laugh has crawled up onto the bed.

Ohhhhh blimey. What now???

1:20 a.m.

I will tell you what now. Dave has been snogging me senseless. For ages. It is, it has to be said, BRILLIANT. Not only have I got jelloid knees and jelloid knickers, but I feel a bit like I have gone completely jelloid. As if I have taken the form of one of Slim's chins.

It was strange because usually I wanted to play it really cool bananas whilst snogging a bloke, but I felt like I really wanted to tell Dave the Laugh that I was sort of melting.

I managed to detach my lips from him and I said, "I feel a bit like Slim's trembling jowls."

WHY???

I have dropped the clanger of the century.

But Dave just looked really dazed and muttered, "Eh? 'Choo'onabout?" and just kissed me again.

He did not even take the mickey or anything.

Dave the Laugh had gone jelloid as well!

Yummy scrumboes!!

2:00 a.m.

I have ruined everything.

In the middle of our snog, I started blubbing!!!

I have turned into Ellen with a touch of watery Emma!!!

Dave was really kind about it and actually he did not look very pleased either.

I cannot believe Dave the Laugh is going.

For the very daft who have failed to notice, I really really fancy him.

A LOT.

I said that to him. I told him thati really really like him and thati hate that he is going. Dave just kissed me over and over really fiercely and my brain dropped out.

Friday, August 12th

9:00 a.m.

My life is over.

Dave the Laugh arrived in Germany an hour ago. He has probably already put on lederhosen. Right now he is probably saying "Hello there, kittykat" to some German tart with daft plaits on either side of her head.

Or as they say in Lederhosen-a-gogo Land, "Hallo, Kätzchenkatze."

11:00 a.m.

Jas rang. I told Mum to say I am not in. Jas has only phoned about a million times today. As if I have got the strength to speak.

Noon

Mum has spent all bloody day sitting on my bed, just patting my hair. Honestly, parents can be so annoying. She said, "Georgia, honestly, it is not that bad. I am sure your friend will visit, he has got to have some family here."

I said, "Go away."

From downstairs I heard Vati shouting nonsense. "Come now, Connie, she sounds like a bloody siren! Will you shut her up?"

Mutti said, "Georgia, how about some milky pops, love?" And she went downstairs really quickly and excitedly. She was down there for ages. I could hear her talking to Vati really quietly, and then giggling. They were probably snogging and playing tickly bears. AGAIN.

As I lay in my bed of pain and everything.

I hate my parents.

12:15 p.m.

I love my parents!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mutti leapt up the stairs like a leaping thing and bounded into my room. And she did not have milky pops.

I said to her, "You have not brought milky pops."

And she said, "Yes, Georgia, but how would you like a trip to the Eternal City for a few days?"

I said, "What???"

And she said, "The Eternal City! Rome! Italy! Aren't you excited?"

Yes, yes, and thrice yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!