BONUS #5:

Decoding

For those of you curious about last chapter's note, the right letters were just hidden wherever the capitalization pattern reversed. Fun little easter egg, for those of you who are bored and have nothing better to do. In no way should this be taken seriously; as people have pointed out, kanji can't be capitalized.

Ich nicht spreche Polish.

The Hokage's Office

This would actually be pretty funny, Kakashi thought, if it wasn't already hilarious.

"There was a very important meeting scheduled yesterday, one that you were expected to be present at," the Hokage scolded him.

"Oh, was there?" Kakashi shrugged. "That's too bad. I didn't realize I was expected anywhere."

"Don't play dumb, Hatake. We both know that you knew you were wanted there. And besides, if you had come home on time I would have been able to formally inform you of that matter," the Hokage told him.

"Well, if you had informed me that you were planning to inform me that I was needed, I actually might have," Kakashi retorted.

"Well, if you had informed me where you were going when you sent home that cute little note of yours, I would have been able to reply and tell you," the Hokage replied.

"You guys could have easily tracked me if you didn't figure out the code; my scent was all over that thing," Kakashi told him. It wasn't as if his code had been that difficult to decipher, anyway.

"What code – oh. Oh." The Hokage looked very, very angry at that.

"What?" Kakashi asked. "I couldn't very well put 'I am taking them to the remnants of a once-powerful allied village of Konoha for reasons that may or may not be important' in an easily intercepted message, right?"

"That doesn't change the fact that you were still late," the Hokage said, steadily becoming more and more irritated by the second. "This isn't a matter of knowing or not knowing. This is standard protocol that applies to everybody, Kakashi. You might be special in many ways, but this is not one of them."

"It doesn't change the fact that I already missed your meeting," Kakashi shrugged, wondering why the Hokage was taking the time to lecture him on something he already knew. "Oh, well."

"Luckily," the Hokage said dangerously, "I rescheduled it just for you. Because you're just that special, aren't you, Kakashi?"

…

…

"…Um," Kakashi swallowed nervously.

"You three may leave," the Sandaime nodded to the three Genin in the room. "I need to, ah, have a nice little conversation with your sensei. Alone."

"Is he in trouble?" Ino asked hopefully.

The Sandaime gave her a dry smile. "Of sorts."

There was a clinking of coins as money exchanged hands.

"What?" Kakashi asked, feigning hurt. "You guys had a tab running on me getting in trouble?"

"On how long it would take before the Hokage finally called you out, yeah," Ino said, with a defiantly triumphant expression on her face.

"I hate you guys," Kakashi muttered.

"You deserve it," the Sandaime shrugged, completely unsympathetic.

"Eh, let's go eat ramen," Naruto yawned. "Nose pays."

"Wait, what?" Ino asked, as he and Shikamaru immediately put their fingers to their noses.

"Haha!" Naruto cheered. "Ino's paying!"

"What? Why me?"

"Because you didn't touch your nose," Naruto explained, as if that was the most sensible thing in the world.

Ino turned red with anger. "Excuse me, but that's just stupid!"

"You do have the most money out of all of us right now," Shikamaru shrugged. "Because of the bet, you know."

"Yeah, and I'm hungry, and it's your fault I don't have money," Naruto chimed in.

"What, so I get punished for winning the bet? I'll lose more money than I gained from your silly little bet with the way you eat ramen!" Ino yelled. "Besides, why are you blaming your lack of money on me? It's your fault for taking the bet in the first place, and then betting wrong! And besides, it isn't 'Nose pays'! It's 'Nose goes'! 'Nose pays' doesn't even rhyme!"

"It doesn't have to!" Naruto said.

"Who said so?" Ino asked. Naruto stopped short. Then, he grinned brightly as he decided upon a clearly indisputable answer.

"…I did!"

"What? Who said you could make the rules?" Ino yelled, grabbing Naruto's ear, to the boy's pained protests. "I'm the only girl on this team, so therefore I get to be the boss! And the boss makes the rules! So therefore, my rule is that you take responsibility for your own irresponsible eating and spending habits and pay for your own stupid ramen!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. One, ramen is not stupid, because ramen is like, the best food ever, and two, who said being the only girl on the team means that you're the boss?" Naruto asked.

"…I did!" Ino responded triumphantly.

"Well, clearly, the logic of our 'boss of this team' debate has taken on the form of an infinite recursive loop," Shikamaru muttered.

"A what?" Naruto asked, scratching his head.

"He means an autocracy justified by the autocrat," Ino smirked.

Naruto frowned. "Oi! Stop using big words to confuse me! Don't think I can't see you smiling like that!"

"See, the rules also state that the boss has to know how to use big words properly, and since you don't even know what they mean, you're automatically ruled out as boss," Ino told him. "And also, I was born on September 23rd and you were born on October 10th, so that means that I'm older than you are, and that means I'm the boss of you."

"But Shikamaru was born on September 22nd, so he's older than you. By a day," Naruto said. "That means that Shikamaru gets to be the boss. Right, Shikamaru?"

"Shikamaru, if you make me pay for Naruto's ramen, I'm telling my mom who will tell my dad who will tell your dad who will tell your mom," Ino warned.

"…I changed my mind, Naruto. Pay for your own ramen," Shikamaru grinned.

"WHAT?" Naruto yelled. "Shikamaru, I was counting on you! You two-timing traitor!"

"That's alliteration," said Ino. "Anyone who uses alliteration in an insult is automatically disqualified from candidacy for being the team boss when Kakashi-sensei isn't around."

"…Is it just me, or is Kakashi-sensei's insanity mildly contagious?..." Shikamaru asked.

Ino and Naruto paused and looked at him, then at each other, and back at him. Naruto narrowed his eyes and stroked his invisible beard. "Nah, it's just you," he finally concluded.

"Yep. Definitely just you," Ino agreed. "…And since I backed you up on that one, I no longer have to pay for your ramen."

"WHAT? That doesn't even make any sense!"

Contrary to the highly entertaining discussion about ramen that Kakashi's three students were having outside (he could hear them through the window, and it seemed like they were having a lot more fun than he was), the atmosphere inside the Hokage's office was extremely, well, unentertaining. He was not happy, and the Sandaime knew that Kakashi knew that.

Which only made it worse for the two of them.

"You had something you wished to talk with me about, Hokage-sama?" Kakashi asked. "Because if it was about me missing that meeting, it really couldn't be helped. You see – "

"I don't need any of your ridiculous excuses, Hatake," the Sandaime snapped. "I had enough of that with Obito, thank you very much." Kakashi visibly winced, and Hiruzen pushed down the guilt that came from bringing up such a painful memory. It really couldn't be helped, though. Sometimes, only words that remarkably cutting could keep him in line. Kakashi himself used those same tactics to manipulate others. So he really shouldn't be feeling the least bit guilty doing the same thing in return.

"Sir," Kakashi cleared his throat.

"Yes. The meeting. The one where you were supposed to submit your Chunin exam nominations. It was rescheduled to tomorrow. And I don't want a word out of you, Hatake," the Hokage held up his hand when Kakashi's jaw lowered to protest. "We both know you delayed your return on purpose. I'm asking you why."

"Why?" Kakashi asked, eye narrowing. "I don't see why I had to be there. I'm not nominating my team. I thought that much was obvious, when I didn't even bother to come back even five hours late. But just in case it wasn't clear, I'll tell it to you plain and simply right now: they will not be taking the upcoming Chunin exams."

Well, isn't this just lovely. He had been hoping to avoid this conversation. But it was a foolish hope. Kakashi was not Asuma or Kurenai or Gai; he knew better than any of them that an early promotion was more of a punishment than a reward.

"I beg to differ. Yes, they will be."

"What? I think, as their Jonin instructor, I have the power to withhold my nomination – "

"And as the Hokage, I have the power to command you to give your nomination."

The temperature in the room was stifling as the two of them glared at each other. In the end, it was Kakashi who caved first, and he choked out, "Why?" The betrayed look on his face made Hiruzen's heart wrench, but the Sandaime was less than moved by his sentiment.

"It is for their own safety."

"What? How is that for their own safety?" Kakashi rasped, his voice slowly rising in volume. "The difference in skill between a high Genin and a low Chunin is very little, Hokage-sama. In fact, there are Genin who are more skilled than Chunin, but simply haven't advanced yet because of bad luck. Yet, Chunin are cleared to go out and risk their lives on frontline battle missions, while Genin are not. And given the situation with Sand, Wave, and Cloud right now, this will not end well. They're only twelve, Hokage-sama. It's too early for them, no matter how skilled they are. I'm not going to let them go out there and – "

"You were only six when you became Chunin," the Sandaime reminded him.

"Yes, and what a model human being I turned out to be, hmmm?" Kakashi spat bitterly, and for a second there his true self was showing through the layers of idiocy and sarcasm and puerile insanity – a self-loathing, guilt-torn veteran who had seen and done and taken and given and lost too much too early.

Hiruzen Sarutobi ran a hand through his hair. He really was getting too old for this. But the Sandaime forced him to say, "I don't care, Kakashi."

"Well, I kind of do!" Kakashi exploded in reply. "It's the least you could tell me in return. I come home from a regular C-rank expecting some kind of briefing on this whole Hidden Cloud and Wave Country clusterfuck, and instead I'm told that I'm supposed to enter my team into this potentially deadly competition for an even deadlier reward disguised as a rank advancement! And after all that, it's somehow myfault that I didn't enter them just because I took them home late, even though I didn't know that you meant for me to come home on time so you could tell me all this, and thus didn't plan accordingly."

"Well, barring the fact that you are expected to return home on time anyway, if you had told me where you were going, maybe I would have been able to reply with the reason of urgency," the Hokage reminded him. "And stop trying to pull that 'I didn't know' card on me. I dropped about a thousand hints regarding your team being ready for the exams in the past month alone."

"Oh, not this again," Kakashi groaned. "Look, before you lay into me about how I didn't follow protocol by not telling you where I'd be during our fake vacation, I took them to Whirlpool Country, okay? No, I'm not going to waste time trying to explain to you why, because you know why. And before you express sarcastic surprise, yes, I am still capable of sentiment, and no, I did not let the S-class secret slip. Unlike pretty much the fucking rest of Konoha."

He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Look. How about we…move away from that? Back to our initial point of discussion?"

Kakashi crossed his arms. "Yes. Let's. Something about entering fresh Genin into the Chunin exams even though I don't want to – what could possibly justify that drivel you just spouted at me, old man – "

"If you hadn't noticed, Kakashi, this year's graduating class was almost entirely composed of clan children…and child prodigies. Your team alone could put many of our jonin to shame. I know you've been teaching them B-rank and A-rank ninjutsu, Kakashi. I've even observed Shikamaru experimenting with a few of his own earth jutsu derivatives and original techniques. A mere Chunin exam – that's almostnothing, compared to some other very real dangers that exist in this world, Kakashi," the Sandaime snapped, nearing the end of his patience.

"A mere Chunin exam? A mere Chunin exam? I don't know what planet you're living on, but this will be no mere Chunin exam. Or have you forgotten that the Hidden Sand has been invited to participate in this thing, too? So I'm being completely hysterical, but I'm not acting this way for no reason, Hokage-sama! You know they're planning something; we've known they've been planning something for monthsnow! This round of Chunin exams will be when they'll strike; I'd wager my firstborn child on that!"

"Don't make empty wagers, Kakashi. We both know no woman will be bearing you children."

"It's an expression! Anyway, that's not the point; the point is – "

"The point is YES, I already know that, and YES, I have already taken precautions against them to the best of my ability! Most of the Chunin proctors from the first round and all of the Chunin proctors from the second round have been replaced with disguised ANBU. We'll have teams tracking all the Genin at all times – "

"So you do know that Sand is planning something, then! Great! Would you like to explain to me, then, how in hell are you justified in knowingly entering Rookie Genin into something that you knowinglyunderstand involves another entire hidden village – "

"If you would let me explain – "

" – It's total insanity! And that means a lot, coming from me!" Kakashi exploded, his front of calmness completely gone. "What the hell, old man – they're my team – you can't just put them there; you can't just take them away from me like that – you can't fucking do that to me, you – you just can't – "

Ah, so that's what the problem is. Of course. That's always the problem with Kakashi. For the love of the Rikudo…

The Sandaime exhaled. "One, I am your Hokage; I can and I will. End of story. Two, I'm not doing this to take them away from you – this is not some petty revenge against you for your obnoxious behavior; this is a legitimate security issue that I have been planning against for months! There are plenty of other people who want those children hurt and I am not one of them. We are dealing with very serious situation right now, so for the love of the gods, be logical – "

"But what if – "

The Sandaime could take it no longer. Slamming his hands on his desk, he shot out of his chair, towering over Kakashi, despite him being the shorter one of the two. "For the last time, Hatake! Whatever Sand is planning will pose no danger to these children directly. They want money; they want to discredit Konoha; they want to draw more business to themselves. That's all. But they have no interest in actually kidnapping and inducting these children into their own private forces – unlike a certain Councilman who disagrees with me on how we should teach our children. A certain Councilman who, as we speak, is devising a hundred and one new ways to steal this hat from me!"

Those words finally stunned Kakashi into silence. But not for long. A man with such experience in violence would not be so easily cowed by a few angry words.

"Oh, fuck me. Him again?"

"Yes, him again.As such, they will have to take these exams while I deal with him again, because the children are untouchable while they are still busy competing. This is the one thing he doesn't have any control over. All I need is a month, Kakashi. Please. Danzo Shimura is more dangerous than the Hidden Sand any day."

"To you, and your cute little political plots, maybe, but to me, at least Danzo Shimura isn't going to end up killing them," Kakashi responded coldly. He had completely shut down by now. Which was good, because he was no longer freaking out, but also bad, because a pissed-off Kakashi was something no sane man would want to tango with for any longer than he had to.

"You're right. Danzo Shimura won't kill them. He'll only do worse than that."

"Fuck Danzo Shimura. Why don't you just get rid of him already, if you hate him so much?"

It was a question he already knew the answer to, but Kakashi simply wasn't the right type of person to see this mess properly at first glance. It wasn't that he was one of those all-combat-no-politics shinobi, because Kakashi was definitelyas manipulative as the rest of them. Ever since he could talk, he had been wringing out concessions in any argument he ever involved himself in. As for bargaining skills, the cheapskate could magically get stranglehold grips over every possible good deal that presented itself to him.

But his true political skills lay in planning. Kakashi was a planner, at the end of the day, and a very efficient one at that. And therein lay the problem. He was just too damn efficient for his own good, and bureaucracy was the death of efficiency. For all of his inexplicable wildness and unpredictability, Kakashi Hatake was a very logical person. His actions might not have translated his thought processes very well, but Hiruzen knew that every path his brain took was a path that actually made sense.

Unlike fucking Danzo Shimura, who didn't seem to understand that those fanatically devoted human robots he called shinobi were shit for infiltration missions.

Kakashi, please, please see reason, and just follow my orders, please, Hiruzen pleaded frantically. You know I only want what's safest for those children. Just because you're not scared of Danzo Shimura doesn't mean I'm not.

At this, the Sandaime snorted. I am not afraid of Danzo Shimura. But I refuse to let him use any chaos caused by the Hidden Sand to further his own agenda. Shikaku Nara knows why. Inoichi Yamanaka knows why. Shibi Aburame knows why. Hell, even Hiashi Hyuga, who hates everyone, agrees with me on this. Why won't you?

"If you tell me every single little thing he's had his fingers tangled in since day one, I will," the Sandaime said. "When he dies, a lot of things are going to fall apart – things that we aren't prepared to deal with all at once. We have to secretly and gradually dismantle his little side projects before we can make any other moves – something I'm already having a lot of trouble with as it is."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow sarcastically. "Need help?"

"Look, Kakashi, if you're so worried about them, the ANBU commander and I can turn a blind eye to whatever non-mission activity you get up to, as we always have," the Sandaime growled, trying to sound fed up with the boy's overprotective-parent tendencies despite the fact that Hiruzen actually found it extremely endearing. "I can't let you engage directly as their Jonin teacher, officially, but I obviously have no control over a highly eccentric and unstable individual acting independently. If you get caught, the Genin in question might be disqualified at worst – or best, depending on how you look at it."

Kakashi stopped to consider this proposal. "Out of curiosity, what did Asuma and Kurenai have to say about this?"

"Nothing, really. They were planning to enter their students anyway."

"Oh, okay. That makes it all better," Kakashi said sarcastically.

The Sandaime pinched the bridge of his nose. "Let's compromise, shall we? Let me write their names down for this one thing. One month, Kakashi. That's all I ask. One month, for me to keep them out of Danzo Shimura's hands. Once it's all over, I won't promote them to Chunin without your permission, until they turn sixteen and are allowed to make these decisions for themselves."

"And what about during the exams?" Kakashi asked.

"I thought we made it clear earlier that we have already done everything we could to make sure none of them die," the Sandaime said flatly.

Kakashi swallowed, but remained silent, like a petulant child. Hiruzen Sarutobi sighed.

"You know in times like this we cannot give any foreigners the impression that the situation in Konoha is anything but perfectly normal – "

"I know," Kakashi growled.

Of course he did. Hatake noses and ears – better than the Inuzaka, supposedly. But only for two generations. And no more after that, if Hiruzen's suspicions about Kakashi's preferences were correct. "Then you understand?"

Kakashi seemed like he wanted to throw another tantrum, but eventually, he let out a long breath and swallowed his anger. "Fine," he huffed.

"I know you hate me for this, Kakashi…so remember that I'm a government-sanctioned military dictator above all else," the Sandaime replied, equally curt.

"I still don't agree with this," Kakashi growled.

Hiruzen sighed. "I didn't expect you to." I don't agree with me, either. You're right about me, you know. I'm a horrible, horrible person.

Shut up; you know this is the best way, the Sandaime snapped. Danzo Shimura or Sunagakure? Please.

Main meeting room, the Hokage Tower, 11:30 A.M.

"…Tibo Kute, Hideruya Himakaz, and Ayama Torikira…"

"…I nominate my team, Team 4…"

"…Tama Gin, Ina Yashu, and Ruroshin Kenrouni…"

And so it went. One by one, each Jonin went by, until, finally,

"I, Maito Gai, nominate Team 9, Neji Hyuga, Tenten, and Rock Lee."

And then all eyes were on the three rookie sensei.

The Hokage looked at him expectantly.

Kakashi swallowed, and then pasted a stupid grin onto his face. "I, Kakashi Hatake, nominate my lovely minions – I mean, my three cute students, Shikamaru Nara, Ino Yamanaka, and Naruto Uzumaki for the Chunin exams."

("WHAT? But they're rookies!")

"Then I, Asuma Sarutobi, nominate Team 10 for the Chunin Exams: Choji Akimichi, Sasuke Uchiha, and Hinata Hyuga."

"And I, Kurenai Yuuhi, nominate Team 8: Sakura Haruno, Kiba Inuzaka, and Shino Aburame."

("ALL the rookies?")

The Hokage nodded. "If that's all, then – "

"Excuse me, Hokage-sama, but I must protest!" some Chunin suddenly stood up. Ah, right. That was their Academy teacher. Good guy, if a little misguided. He had treated Naruto like an actual human being despite being the Kyuubi jinchuuriki, so that was points in Kakashi's book as far as he was concerned. Although he still didn't remember the guy's name.

"Don't bother, Umino." (Oh, so that was his name.)

"Yeah, he's nuts anyway."

"I don't care!" loud guy kept saying. (What was his name again?) "They just graduated from the Academy six months ago! They're not ready!"

You don't say? Kakashi thought sarcastically, but then the Hokage gave him a sharp look, and Kakashi sighed, holding his hands up in an "I give" gesture. "Listen. I don't know who you are and I don't particularly care. But those kids are no longer babies in your care. They are my soldiers, and I will command them as I see fit. Besides, a little failure will be good for them. Show them a taste of the real world." He shot a look at the Hokage. There, happy?

Yes, very.

"You expect them to fail?" loud guy asked.

"No, I expect them to pass. That's why I nominated them," Kakashi told him with finality.

Unfortunately.

A/N: If you couldn't tell before, I suck at making up Japanese names.