Ivan sat next to Matthew in his home later that day. He wanted to talk to Matthew more. His friend was not himself and it was hard to keep Alfred quiet. Matthew offered Ivan a drink. The Russian politely declined. Matthew sat down next to him awkwardly. He really didn't want to talk, though at the same time talking to someone would be the best thing. Ivan nudged Matthew gently and offered him a small smile.
"Mattie…," his voice was soft.
"Hm?" Matthew looked up and smiled a bit.
"Talk to me. Tell me about your life. How are you doing?" Ivan turned and crossed his legs on the couch. He looked like an oversized child sitting there waiting for his friend to talk to him.
"I'm okay. My job is stressful, but so rewarding. My kids, oh god, Ivan, my kids are amazing. Emily is starting to read. I read to her every night and I think she's almost about to start reading to me! Rémy is getting so big. I can't believe how fast he's growing. He loves going over to see Alfred and Natalya. Emma is good. She's busy, but good," Matthew said it all with a smile while playing with his hands.
"Matthew…you didn't answer my question. I asked how you were. I didn't ask about your job or your family. I asked about you," Ivan said this as though it were the most important thing in the world. His face was scrunched as he examined his friend.
Matthew was confused. He felt that he had answered the question. What more to him was there? His job and family were his life. That's all he thought about. He blinked a few times trying to understand Ivan's question. What did he mean?
"You seem confused."
"I am," Matthew chuckled. "I admit I am at a loss for what you are expecting."
"Okay, you said earlier that you were feeling stressed. That is about you. When I ask about you, I don't mean your life. I mean you mind, your body, your heart. You tell me superficial things about your life and you think that is your life. That's not you, Matthew. Those are important thing, yes, so very so. Mattie, I think it's something that we all do. We refuse to look into ourselves and assess the state of our true selves. So let me ask you again and this time, look inside. How are you, Matthew?" Ivan held his gaze on Matthew with a steady stare.
"I…I…," Matthew stuttered. What did Ivan mean? "I…," He dropped off and hugged his knees to his chest.
"Are you content?"
"Of course, I'm happy. I have a beautiful family and an amazing job," Matthew replied.
"I didn't ask you what you had. I asked you if you were content," Ivan pushed his light hair out of his face and stood up. "Happiness isn't constant. I can't be. Contentment is constant and that is the best thing to have in life. It's the goal. That's why I didn't ask if you were happy. Take a moment, close your eyes. Search. Then tell me," Ivan smiled. "I'm going to go to the bathroom. You just search."
Matthew sighed as he sat on the couch wondering what Ivan even meant. These were questions that he asked Alfred earlier. Alfred had been able to answer to Ivan's satisfaction. What had Alfred replied with? Alfred talked about himself, but then again he often did. Alfred seemed to like to talk about himself. It was something that had always bothered Matthew. He didn't like to talk about himself. He found that it was rude and selfish to only speak about oneself. Ivan wanted him to talk about himself. He didn't want to talk about anyone or anything else. Suddenly it made perfect sense.
Ivan came back a few moments later and sat down on the couch with his usual smile and kind eyes. "Are you ready?"
"Yes. I did something thinking and I realized you want me to talk about myself," Matthew paused to get affirmation from Ivan who nodded with a slightly broader smile. "The thing is, I don't like to talk about myself. I like to think about other people and take care of them. I don't want to look through my mind and heart and search for my own thoughts and feelings. I don't want to be selfish, Ivan."
"It's not being selfish. Can you tell me why you don't like to look inward?" Ivan's voice was soft.
"Why are you asking me all of these questions?" Matthew almost whispered.
"Because you're not okay and anyone paying attention would see that. You are running from yourself and you don't want to face it. Let me ask you this. Has anyone besides myself asked you if you're okay?"
"Um…," Matthew thought. "My dad…Francis, not Arthur, keeps asking if I'm okay and giving me these looks. Emma's asked a few times. Alfred's asked a couple times too," with this statement, Ivan's eyebrows lifted. "Some people at work."
"Alfred even noticed it?" Ivan shook his head. "Alfred is so bad at reading people too…"
"Yeah, well…," Matthew shrugged, "we are twins."
"So tell me, Matthew, how are you?"
Matthew felt heat rising as the wall he'd put up was threatening to come crashing down. He began to tremble. He could almost hear what was behind that wall, almost see it. His heart raced in his chest and his stomach was suddenly in his throat. He felt as if tears were going to come at any moment. The man jumped up.
"Ivan, I am going to ask you once nicely to leave," Matthew was shaking as he stood over Ivan. His fists were balled up at his sides.
"But Matthew, I was only trying—"
"No. Ivan I know that you think that what you're doing is good. I understand that your intentions are pure, but I can't do this. I can't. There are walls my brother and I put up a long time ago and I saw what happened to him when he let his wall crumble. I'm not letting you knock mine down. Leave," Matthew's pleading voice was laced with malice.
"I'm sorry, Matthew. I didn't mean…I just think it's important for you to be heard. You are important. Your feeling are important. I worry about you and Alfred, but especially you because you keep to yourself so much," Ivan stood, sadly hanging his head. "I will see you later, I suppose. If you want to talk, you can always call me."
Matthew nodded, arms fold and eyes narrowed as he trembled. He walked Ivan out slowly and didn't say a word. He tried to will himself to calm down and breathe. The wall was still threatening to come down, but the quaking had slowed. Matthew took a few deep breaths as he watched Ivan get in his car and drive away. He slowly turned and walked inside before laying on the couch. He couldn't believe how close he'd come to cracking. He couldn't let it down for the sake of his entire family and for the sake of the children whose lives depended on him.
Matthew opened his eyes to find Emily kneeling next to him giggling. He hadn't even realized he'd fallen asleep. He sat up and rubbed his eyes before smiling sleepily at his baby girl.
"Hey, baby," he greeted groggily.
"Daddy, you were so funny! You were drooling a little bit. I kept poking your cheek and you would twitch," she covered her mouth as the tinkle of her childish giggles escaped her.
The sound warmed the father's heart. Matthew sat up and pulled Emily to him in a tight hug. This little girl was the reason he could pull himself together. He couldn't let himself crumble when he was this little girl's hero. He brushed back a stray strand of her blonde hair and smiled.
"I know. I was pretending to sleep so you could have fun."
"You were not!" Emily wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him on the cheek. "Daddy, you shouldn't lie. It's not nice. Mommy says that lying makes your nose grow," Emily's eyes widened.
"Is my nose bigger?" Matthew gasped playfully as he grabbed his nose.
"Hm, let me see." The girl examined her father's face thoroughly before leaning back with a skeptical face. "No," she sighed, "I guess you were telling the truth, but you're a really good actor, Daddy! I thought you were really asleep!"
"It comes with practice. How was school?"
He listened as his little girl recounted the events of her day at school in a play by play fashion. He couldn't believe how much happened at school. He never remembered kindergarten being so eventful, but then again that had been forever ago. He swore he could listen to Emily speak for years and never get bored. This little girl was his whole world. She had changed everything in life. He would have probably had a breakdown similar to his brother had she not saved the day.
Emily changed subjects suddenly to an idea for a story she had. He was surprised when it was not about princesses as her previous stories had been about, but this time one of a girl who becomes president and changes the world by creating world peace.
"So that's how I'm going to be when I grow up and become president," Emily finished. "I just have to tell all the stinky boys that I'm the boss like I do in kindergarten. I don't know why, but they're always fighting," she looked annoyed.
"Well I feel safer already knowing that you're going to be president when you grow up," Matthew smiled and kissed her cheek. Emily giggled and laid against him.
"I love you, Daddy."
"I love you, Emily," he kissed the top of her head. He held her like that for a moment before Emma called him from the kitchen. Emily crawled off of him and went to play with her kitten.
Emma was leaning against the counter, flour on her face. Matthew smiled at her and had to hold back a laugh. "Oh shut up!" She snapped.
"I'm sorry, you just look so cute," he hugged her. His wife sighed.
"I need you to help me make dinner. I didn't want to wake you when I got home, but Rémy was fussy and it took so long to put him down for a nap. Natalya said he skipped it today. I was furious that she let him miss. I mean if that's how she wants to with her son…I just am stressed and need some help."
Matthew helped Emma with their dinner as they spoke about their day. Emma talked about the baby and plans. They discussed names and how to decorate the bedroom. It felt so distant to Matthew though. It bothered him that they didn't talk like they used to. They didn't joke around and have fun anymore. It was always business. They talked about the kids and work. He craved for more.
He glanced down and smiled at the bag of flour still on the counter and a smile spread across his face. Emma was placing the pan in the oven. Everything had been prepared and now all that was left was the wait.
"Hey, Emmy?" She turned around to get flour thrown in her face. Matthew smiled trying to keep back the laughter. He hoped she wouldn't be mad. He watched as Emma narrowed her eyes and smirked before throwing flour in his face. She laughed. Pretty soon they were throwing flour and eggs at each other as they ran around the kitchen giggling and trying to stay away. Emma caught Matthew in a corner and pulled him in a kiss before breaking an egg on his head and rubbing it around his hair laughing.
"Mommy! Daddy! Non!" They turned around to find Rémy and Emily standing in the kitchen entrance horrified. The parents looked at each and gave a glance.
"Oh, we're just being silly. Come over here and give us a hug!" Emma said leaning down. The kids ran to the mother and hugged each other. Suddenly the two were covered in flour as well. Emma broke and egg on Rémy. Emily started crying that she was dirty before running upstairs. Their son seemed to like that he was covered in food and was able to throw it at them. Matthew sighed. This was what he had been needing for so long.
They got the kids cleaned up before getting themselves clean They ate dinner in their messy kitchen before putting the children to bed and meeting back in the kitchen. Emma glanced at Matthew as they finished cleaning the last bit of their mess. She pulled him to her and kissed him.
"Merci," she whispered against his lips. "I was starting to be so bored."
"Me too," he admitted.
"What happened to us, Mattie? We used to have so much fun all the time. Now we only talk about the kids or work. I miss just talking to talk. I miss watching movies and playing around and going out. We've got so stuck in this boring routine and I feel like we're way too young to be this boring." Matthew agreed with her. "When you threw that flour in my face, I thought about how the kitchen was going to be dirty for a second and then thought to myself so what? I think we need to be less serious. We have little kids. They are so fun. We need to be fun too," her voice was sad. She sighed and glanced up at him.
"I'm thinking a trip to an amusement park. Alfred and I used to go once a week. We had season passes. Let's do that. And we can go on nature walks and hikes. Maybe go on a road trip across the country this summer. We need to break out of this," Matthew's eyes were bright as the thought about the possibilities.
"I like how that sounds," she smiled, excited. "I mean, we'll have the little one, but it'll be fun."
"And let's me and you go out just the two of us Friday night," Matthew kissed her softly. "It's been far too long since we had us time."
"I like the way you think," Emma giggled before dragging him upstairs to the bedroom. They were both feeling closer than ever.
Oh my gosh, sorry for taking so long to update! I got back from my trip and had intense writers block since these few chapters are fillers until shit hits the fan. I will try so hard not to wait so long for the next one. I just don't want to give y'all a bad chapter. I think I have the filler chapters planned out well now. They may be a little shorter than usual, but don't worry. Once I get passed these fluffy fillers, there's going to be so much angst.