It makes no sense why he thinks of this now of all times, Jin's short arms tight around his waist, eyes wide and happy. God, back then it had always been easy to make him smile. Ragna had known the right things to say-- there weren't many wrong ones, because Jin (as the old lady so loved to point out) was determined to be the center of his attention.
"I love you, Nii-san!" Jin chirped as he pressed his face into Ragna's stomach, making him feel slightly embarrassed (the way he did whenever one of his siblings told him such). After their parents died, Ragna had been ready to provide for and protect them, but it had taken a while to get used to more motherly tasks. At first, he had hoped coming to the live at the church would help to relieve him of those duties, but it only did so much.
Saya had been taken with the elderly woman at once (since Ragna could only do so much to understand her as a female) but she still wanted Ragna to brush out her hair, read to her, and tuck her in. Jin, on the other hand, continued to seek him out if he was hurt or in trouble, even more so than he did in the past. Although it felt a little awkward now that they were getting older, he was honestly thankful for his little brother's attention. It made Ragna feel like he was doing alright as a surrogate parent, even if he wasn't able to be around as much. He smiled lightly and patted Jin's head, "I love you, too, Jin."
"Ragna..." Jin spoke after a moment, head still against resting against him. Ragna looked down at him questioningly-- it was unusual for the boy to ever use his given name-- and Jin met his gaze, eyes suddenly growing red and glistening with unshed tears. His fingers curled into the back of Ragna's shirt, "Do you really? More than Saya?" he asked in a small voice.
Ragna tried not to show his surprise at the question and immediately dropped to Jin's level on a knee, grabbing him by the shoulders firmly.
"Jin," he said softly, inwardly wondering what would make him ask such a thing. Saya was a sickly girl, so he supposed that Jin sometimes felt as though he cared about their sister more than him. While Ragna thought Jin was being silly, he answered seriously, trying his best not to hurt Jin or Saya's feelings. "I could never love her more than you. Both of you are my younger siblings and I would do anything to protect you two, okay?"
Jin had nodded and wiped his eyes. Ragna thought that would be the end.
Now that he sees it again, he realizes that Jin had not gained any happiness in that answer, only a reluctant acceptance that would last for a few years. He should have seen that Jin wanted more than to be assured that his brother loved them equally, he instead wanted to monopolize him completely, be loved and more important than Saya was and would have done anything in order to be.
Once he thinks that, the vexing, clawing sensation in his chest returns; it always does once he considers if Jin had been right years ago and that everything is his fault after all.
"Nii-san," Jin says, but his voice is no longer innocent; it's airy, teasing, yet as sharp as the blade in his hand. He had seen the pictures in the paper, hadn't dared believe them, that Jin Kisaragi was his Jin, that the bright boy who had always hid behind him had killed so many people and done so much wrong.
But now, with Jin standing before him-- sword drawn, a twisted grin on his face-- Ragna can see it, how the tone is all wrong but it's the same voice; that while that expression is nothing but an imitation, it's his face.
More than anything, Ragna can't believe it.
"Jin," he says, and all that works its way into his voice is anger. He's shocked, disappointed (relieved?), frustrated and God, yes, he's angry.
"It's been such a long time," Jin sighs, and the subdued smile on his face never reaches his eyes (the only common attribute they share is the glint of madness Ragna abhors and is thankful for nonetheless, because it's so reassuring to think that Jin isn't in his right mind, that just maybe he could be saved or reverted). He laughs, loud and hard as he raises his blade, "Nii-san. Stay dead this time, okay?"
Ragna swallows, braces himself and does his best to forget about their bonds and their past for the length of their battle. He shouldn't blame himself for everything, not with Jin charging at him with no holds barred. He can't let himself die here, even if it was something that Jin wanted, or said he wanted-- because the same way he saw the tears in his eyes when he had stabbed square in the chest at fourteen, Ragna knows (and can't allow himself to have any doubt at all in his mind) that Jin doesn't want him dead. He wants to returns to their past, their childhood days the same way Ragna does.
But Ragna can't dwell on it, can't give Jin that brotherly mercy, because even if he didn't mean it (even if he didn't mean it), Saya was gone, and Jin was the one responsible for it. No one else knew about them, about the fire, so Ragna was the only person who could make it right, who could judge and punish Jin at all. So he fights and fights hard, tries not to flinch whenever he sees the red of Jin's blood, and resists that urge to make sure he's alright when he sends him the floor. Ragna is here for answers, to have Jin's side of the story, and then maybe be able to put everything to rest, finally.
He stands, stern and tall, eyebrows knitted with restraint, with anger, and not a single crack in his resolve, because if he cracks, he'll shatter.
"You want answers, Nii-san?" Jin adjusts his grip on his sword in an instant and drives the hilt into Ragna's gut. "You want to know why I did it?" he says, his chest heaving-- Ragna hits the ground with the wind already knocked out of him, his sword falling from his hand at his side; he can hardly move before Jin lunges after him.
Within a moment, Jin is staring into his eyes directly, too closely, straddling his hips and pressing down on his sternum with one hand. His other hand gripped his sword, with its icy blade pressed against Ragna's neck-- already cutting through the skin (Ragna can feel that thin line of chilled blood climbing down his throat) and daring him to make a quick move.
The lightness of Jin's voice doesn't match the firm violence of his actions. "I did it because of you," he whispers before the pressure on Ragna's chest disappears. Jin lifts his hand, sweeps his fingers over Ragna's jaw, says, "Because I loved you, Nii-san," and it's the worst feeling (Ragna's throat tightens, jaw sets) to hear it again-- that what happened could in any way be traced back to something he did, that the one who had ruined their past life might have been him.
Even if Jin is lying (but Ragna can see every individual eyelash on his face from this distance and he would be able to tell), the notion has been in his head for years and is the one thing that-- he grimaces, ignores the way Jin's fingertips brush against his skin-- would start to break him. Jin laughs softly, says in the most honest voice, "That's why I'll kill you again, Nii-san. Because I still love you."
The hand suddenly returns to his chest, slamming him against the floor again, and Jin moves fast, so quickly that Ragna thinks that this is it. Because he had been stupid and couldn't let the past go, Jin will kill him right here.
But he's wrong because, instead of slashing his throat, Jin kisses him-- hard and intense like he wants to breathe in Ragna's very life.
Ragna freezes in shock before he tries to move away, bringing his arms up to push at Jin's shoulders and make him stop-- but he doesn't get very far. Jin presses his blade down harder, quickly halting Ragna's attempts at resistance. Ragna swallows, and the movement slices open a few more layers of skin on his throat.
Did it really stem from that day? Maybe-- if he could just, somehow, change that one moment in his life-- if he could be not so disturbed by the idea of the love shining his brother's eyes, not so naive to believe it was going to go away if he never acknowledged it, not so unperceptive to never notice it until it was too late...
Maybe he will, maybe he does in another world. Maybe when Jin asks, he'll say something better, something like: "Jin, aren't you older than Saya? You're eleven, aren't you? Well... I've had eleven years to, well, love you, and it accumulates. Saya's only had nine."
Jin wouldn't understand at first, would blink and ask, "What about when Saya is eleven?"
Then he'd have to laugh and explain, "When she's eleven, you'll be thirteen."
And maybe that would be enough for Jin, maybe he would be able to find solace in that answer. Saya was a smart girl and she would understand, but if she ever got insecure he would explain that while he may love Jin more, he liked him less than her, and the two could fight over which was more important.
And maybe, just maybe, Saya wouldn't have to burn.
Jin licks at Ragna's teeth, and Ragna lets out a tiny sigh before he opens his mouth to complete the kiss. He tries not to shudder from the warm heat that slides in against his tongue; Jin kisses passionately, deeply, with all the weight of his feelings when Ragna responds in kind.
Right there, when Jin moans-- his hand loosens its grip on his sword, and he closes his eyes-- Ragna grabs the blade with his left hand, shielding his neck, and forcing Jin off of him onto his back. By the time Jin has risen to his feet, Ragna has retrieved his own sword. He touches gingerly at the shallow slashes on his neck to make sure the bleeding stopped as Jin stares him down.
Jin doesn't even try to grin, only looks at him with dismay. "What a dirty trick, Nii-san," he says, and if Ragna didn't know better-- that this was as much as a psychological attack as earlier-- he would have thought Jin looked betrayed.
He doesn't respond, only grips his weapon harder and engages him.
The metallic scrapes and clangs echo throughout the room. Jin is shaken after the exchange, rattled enough to make Ragna think that it hadn't been an act at all-- and then quickly ignore the thought, because, even distracted, Jin is a formidable opponent.
Still, he presses on-- Jin's reaction speed slows with the more ice he calls forth, until Ragna slides under one of his slashes and catches him right in the stomach. He's panting heavily when Jin hits the floor and holds his stance, prepared for a flurry of retaliation when-- Jin doesn't get up.
That irrational fear grips him when the blood from Jin's wounds start to pool underneath him. He hadn't-- hit him hard enough to kill him, but he still worries because Jin... is his brother. But because he is also his enemy, Ragna can't dive to the ground beside him in a show of weakness and the paranoia of killing both of his siblings. So he walks, briskly, to Jin's side, notes how he's still breathing, slowly, eyes closed, and he thinks he must be unconscious.
He thanks God for the first time since his childhood, clambers unsteadily to his knees and checks Jin's pulse. It's steady and strong, and his breath isn't shallow at all. Ragna lets out that sigh of relief he had been holding in, lets the tears prickle in his eyes because he has so much emotion in him that he doesn't know which one he'd be crying for. He's still pissed, he's frustrated because he knows all the answers he'll receive won't make sense to him, but he needs to hear them anyway. Yet there was that conflicting joy, that relief that his brother is here, is still alive, and that conjoined sorrow that Saya is gone, that she'll never come back.
He touches the open slash on Jin's stomach, noting the deeper red of the blood. Fearing that maybe he had hit an old wound, he gives in to his instinct, draws his blade to cut free one of Jin's superfluous sleeves which was already hanging by a thread. Through a little maneuvering, he manages to tie it firmly around Jin's gut. Ragna knows that it will be enough to stop the bleeding, but he has to force his eyes from the spots where blood begins to seeps into the blue cloth. Ragna wipes his eyes to dispel the wetness collecting there and rises to his feet.
He nearly stumbles on the first step away from Jin's body because something's caught his pant leg. When he looks down it's into dizzy green eyes, and he sees that Jin's fingers are clenching the fabric of his hakama tightly. On his face is pure curiosity, nothing evil or wrong at all, "Nii-san," he says, low and innocent, "Do you still..." Jin trails off, and Ragna understands, Ragna gets it. He closes his eyes and nods.
"Yeah. I still do," he says, and Jin smiles, really smiles.
His grip slackens on his pant leg, but when Ragna turns, Jin speaks again, "More than Saya?"
Ragna freezes, stumbling for words, anything mildly appropriate at all. "Jin, Saya..." he clenches one of his fists, takes that impossible breath and says it-- finally says it out loud, "Saya is dead."
Jin releases Ragna's hakama, and this time-- if the way he laughs means anything-- finds his answer good enough.