I know following this story is like drawing blood from a stone; but I appreciate all of you who continue to read it! And as long as I know it takes me; I promise this story will be finished!
...
At first he' believed that he'd survived. He'd taken a shot to the heart from Ram's zapper, but when he'd opened his eyes and seen that he was in the Mall, Jay had really believed that he'd made it. But then he'd realised he must be dead; because he was in hell.
It wasn't the pain that did it, or the fact that he'd woken in the same hospital room he'd seen Ebony laying half dead in only days before, no, it was something much smaller than that; a torture that the Mallrats who came to visit him, or to tend to his wounds wouldn't even know they were forcing him to endure. The pillow, and the sheets; they smelled like her.
It overwhelmed him when he was awake; and invaded his mind in his sleep. It was worse than any punishment she could have dealt him for his betrayal; and it made Jay wish he had died in the battle.
When he was alone in the room, on the edge of sleep, it almost felt like she was lying in the bed next to him. And then he would wake, and remember that that would never happen ever again; and that was like getting shot in the heart all over again.
She hadn't come to visit him. He wasn't so surprised. He saw Trudy the most, after Patch of course. When he asked Trudy how Ebony was; she had sighed and told him Ebony was how she always was. He wasn't sure what that meant; but he didn't expect a visit anytime soon.
Patch had told him there wouldn't be any lasting damage, only that the muscle around his heart had been weakened by the shot and that he needed to rest while his body healed. He wasn't in a lot of pain from the shot, but when he'd fallen, he had fallen backwards down some stairs in the hotel, so he was a little bruised here and there.
It was embarrassing really; he'd lead the Mallrats, and the rest of the city into battle against the Technos and it seemed like he was the only one to really be injured. For that he was thankful though, it could have gone completely differently; but now the city was free of Ram, and Jay was eager to get out into the city and start making a difference. Now, with Mega's help, they could start building schools and hospitals and they would finally get a chance at the future they had been robbed of since the virus.
Well, a future that would start as soon as Trudy would stop guarding his hospital room so vigilantly. When Patch had said Jay needed to rest; Trudy had taken it upon herself to make sure Jay did just that. It was sweet really, she brought him meals and books to read, and she was pleasant to talk to. The only problem was, she wasn't the face he was hoping to see every time the door opened to his room.
Amber had visited him; but it had been an awkward affair. She'd clearly wanted to talk to him about what they'd discussed before the battle; but Trudy had remained in the room for the entire visit, and so in the end Amber had mumbled her get well wishes and left.
He shifted his position in the bed, wishing he could get up and go to his own room at least; anything to escape the intoxicating smell of his beloved that permeated his pillow. But he knew Trudy would be sat out there with her book, like she was every night. He was just drifting off to sleep when he heard shouting outside of his door. He was trying to de-tangle himself from his sheets when the door flew open, banging loudly into the wall.
He looked up to see a desperate and furious Amber stood in front of him. Her face was accusing and blotchy with tears, her hands shook violently, and she shoved herself away from Trudy when Trudy tried to reach for her friend.
'Did you know?' Amber whispered; her voice dangerously low. Pain and anger were etched into every line of her face. Her voice shook.
He blinked; not understanding what she meant. 'Amber I-' He tried.
'Did you know that they had killed him?' she screamed at him, her voice tearing at her throat as tears streamed from her eyes. He saw Trudy gasp out of the corner of his eye; she collapsed in the chair next to his bed, whispering no, no, no over and over again as tears fell unnoticed down her face as well.
Dismay settled over him like being doused by cold water. It could only be Bray. Bray was dead. He reached for Amber blindly, panicking.
'Don't touch me!' She screamed hysterically, flinching away from his touch violently, 'Did you know they had murdered him? Tell me Jay! I want to know if you knew he was dead the day you kissed me!'
It was like she'd slapped him in the face. 'No, Amber, no.' He stammered. He stood there uselessly; feeling like his arms and legs were too big for his body; not responding to his commands like he wanted.
She stood, trembling, sobbing. Still looking at him like it had been his hand that had ended her lover's life. He irrationally wondered how she had found this out, fleetingly, before she was on him, slapping and hitting, trying to make him feel the pain she must be feeling. Trudy didn't even move; she sat there stunned, stock still, like a statue.
The noise had, as always, attracted the others. Pride rushed forward and grabbed hold of Amber's hands, pulling her away from Jay as Salene cried at Amber to stop struggling. She shoved and she pulled trying to get out of Pride's grip, and then she threw herself into his arms, dragging them both to the floor, as she screamed and sobbed. Jay had barely felt the blows; he was as in shock as the rest of them.
He could hear them faintly; asking him what had happened? What was going on here? But he couldn't make himself say it. He heard a buzzing in his ears and he felt like the world was a bit fuzzy. Until it all sharpened when he saw her walk into the room. He staggered towards her and took her hands. She didn't even flinch away from him, as she had the same question in her green eyes as everyone else. He would tell her; he felt like he could only say it to her.
'Bray is dead.' He whispered, clutching her hands like they were a lifeline. He saw her eyes fill with tears, and it broke him more than Amber's tears had. He only ever brought her pain these days.
The room broke out into complete chaos; everyone was crying and shouting and threatening retribution. Amber was a state, Pride was yelling over the noise of everyone else; asking Patch if there was anything he could do for Amber. Trudy and Salene were holding each other and crying just as loudly as Amber was. Grief was in the face of every Mall Rat in the room. Even Lex had unshed tears shining in his eyes; as he held on to Siva as though she could slip away at any moment.
He felt her hands slip from his as she quietly moved away from him and out of the room. He knew her; she wouldn't want to share in the Mallrats' grief, as always she felt apart from them. Without a second thought about any of it; he followed her.
She walked slowly; with none of the swagger her walk usually had, out of the hospital wing and down the stairs where she sat on the edge of the fountain, drawing her knees up to her chest. He could see her cheeks were wet, as they shined in the moonlight. She didn't say anything when he sat down next to her, mirroring her position and pulling his legs to his body. It was cold down here; but he didn't dare offer her any warmth by sitting any closer. He winced slightly as the sore muscles in his chest contracted in the cold air. She looked over at him suddenly when she heard him wince at the pain.
'Two days ago, I thought you were dead,' She whispered, her face unreadable in the dim light.
'Nine days ago I thought you were dead,' he replied hoarsely, looking into her eyes. He knew what she was getting at; as much as she hated Amber, she could empathise with her. They both could; they'd both had to think that they'd lost each other and they had both lost their child.
'I hate you,' she said. Her voice wasn't cold or angry; she spoke with a softness that he didn't know she had in her. She broke their eye contact as she said it; but he knew that she meant what she said.
'I know.' He whispered, nodding. He squeezed his eyes shut at the pain her words brought him; but took it without argument. What did he expect?
'But I'm glad you're not dead.' She finished softly.
He swallowed. That was what he could expect; only that. She was glad he wasn't dead; he guessed he should be pleased of that much at least.
They sat in silence. They could still hear the cries and shouts of grief coming from upstairs.
There were silent tears rolling down her face. Jay didn't know if she was still crying for Bray or for their broken relationship. He took her in; able to look at her properly in the moonlight. She was recovering; but her encounter with the Techno's had taken its toll on her petite frame. Her face and neck were still littered with bruises and cuts in various stages of healing. And he could see from the way she sat; with her weight shifted slightly to one side; that the place where she'd been stabbed was still agonising for her. She had the fingers of her right hand laced protectively over the area. As always; regret and guilt slid though his veins like ice.
She looked so small in her nightwear; he could even see the long scrape across her ankle and that both of her knees were bruised and scratched. He looked down at his own bruised knees; peeking out from the pyjama shorts he'd been given in the hospital and sighed. They had always been so different from each other; she was fire and passion whereas he was level-headedness and stoic pragmatism. They were both warriors however; and right now their grazed knees were the only thing they had in common. Perhaps the only thing they would ever share now. The thought made him smile sadly.
Trudy had asked him yesterday how he could have possibly thought he and Ebony were going to work when they were so different; not to be unkind, she'd been genuinely curious. Jay had just shrugged and feigned tiredness.
What he'd not told Trudy was that Ebony's differences were the things he'd loved most about her. Even in the very beginning; when everyone kept whispering in his ear about what a monster she was, and all of these horrific things she'd done in her past; he'd only been more intrigued by this mysterious and potentially deadly woman. And as he'd learnt each and every reason why she was as deep and as complicated as she was; well, he'd just fallen deeper. But it wouldn't have made a difference to tell Trudy that now. So he'd not wanted to answer.
His whole body ached to hold Ebony; to touch her as she sat on the cold stone; crying in the moonlight. But he refrained; content with the opportunity to spend time in her presence while she would let him.
It had been some time since she'd spoken but he needed to tell her; in a low voice he said: 'When I got here and I found out that you weren't dead... It was like I could breathe again. I was dead until I knew you were alive.'
She nodded silently and wrapped her arms around herself more closely. They sat in silence again, this time for a long time. Amber's cries quietened as the others managed to calm her down and put to bed in the hospital wing.
Mall Rats wondered past them, all in shock. Some headed back to their rooms, some wondered up to the cafe, where they sat, not eating or talking to each other. Jay was surprised when it was Jack who came for Ebony, and not Siva. He was even more surprised when Jack reached out his hand for Ebony, and Ebony took it and left with him, only looking to Jay for a second and looking away again when she met his eyes.
The coldness of the stone fountain had long since seeped into his body, but it was a different coldness that he felt clutch his heart as he watched her walk away from him.
He was exhausted and his injuries ached. The sun would soon rise; but Jay knew he couldn't sleep. He certainly didn't want to go back to that bed. He couldn't bare sleeping on the pillow that smelled so much like her after she'd walked away from him yet again. And he was certainly not going back to the hospital wing; not now that Amber was staying there. He didn't know exactly why she blamed him; but then he thought that maybe he should have realised that the Techno name would tar him for life.
He could have sat there all night; depressed about Ebony and Amber. But he made himself get up. He was wondering aimlessly around the mall, trying to turn his brain off, when Salene found him. She was still in her night clothes.
'Jay,' she said quietly, reaching for his arm, 'We need you in the cafe.' She smiled at him softly; even though her eyes were red from crying and her voice horse.
'I don't know Sal,' he sighed heavily, 'Amber seems to think that... that I was involved. I don't want to intrude.'
He felt her grip on his arm tighten as she squeezed it harder, reassuringly. As he looked up to meet her gaze, he saw no blame there, only a soft sadness. It was one of the things he really liked about Salene; she always had the strength to be a good person, even when she was going through a hard time. He'd seen it when she'd handled Pride's gaming addiction; and he could see it in her now. If she could be strong today; then he supposed it would be cowardly to stay away from the cafe.
'Amber is grieving,' Salene whispered soothingly, 'she doesn't know what she's saying. The rest of us know you; and we know you had no idea Bray had been killed. This is...heartbreaking,' her voice cracked and her eyes shone again with tears. 'But we need our leader tonight Jay. We need you.'
'But I'm not...' he whispered back, genuinely surprised that she would say that.
She smiled softly again and linked her arm through his, tugging him gently in the direction of the cafe. 'Yes you are.' She murmured. 'We have to get through this as a Tribe.'
And he saw when he reached the top of the stairs; that he'd been the only one missing apart from Amber, who was hopefully sleeping peacefully for the time being. He suddenly felt stupid for staying away; Salene was right; they would get through this together. Even though he'd never met Bray, he knew what Bray had meant to the Mall Rats, and he knew that they had always held out for his return. It saddened him deeply to see that hope taken away from his friends.
In true Mall Rat spirit; they were comforting each other. Pride was kindly telling Sammy and Mouse; who didn't really understand the situation; a tale of a brave and kind leader who had righted wrongs and fought against injustice in the City. Salene had gone over to hold Trudy who was crying softly, gripping Brady tightly to her. Lex had his hand in Ebony's as she leant against Siva's shoulder, tears making slow tracks down her cheeks. Jack sat silently on the top step; but responded when Ellie pulled him into a tight, teary hug.
Even the others, who hadn't been Mall Rat's when Bray had been around, or who had never even met Bray, felt the Mall Rat's pain and tried to comfort where they could. Patch had made a large pot of tea and brought over some steaming mugs of hot cocoa for the Mall Rat's who were still in their bed clothes. Dee took the children off to bed, with promises of the best tucking-in they'd ever had.
Jay sat there and watched his tribe; offering condolences to those who came and sat with him or pouring tea and taking it over to those too grief stricken to move. He was so proud of them. He knew that their desire to be there for each other would help them all get through this and he was glad that Salene had come to get him. This was the first time since the virus that he remembered what having a real family felt like.
He held Trudy's hand while she fondly told the group about Bray's basketball days when they were younger. He laughed when Lex regaled them of several tales where Bray and he had come to blows for stupid reasons. He felt tears in his eyes when Pride told them of how he'd known he must give Amber up; because the love that Bray and Amber had shared was meant to be.
Dawn was adding a golden glow to the cafe; as the sun rose and the stories died out. Jay was just about to suggest that they try and get some sleep when he saw Amber walking up the stairs. His heart fell as he saw her face was still soaked with tears; her hair, loose from her zulu knots was matted to her red cheeks. Salene saw her too and went to the top of the stairs to bring Amber into her arms but Amber squirmed free; Jay could see her eyes were hot with anger still.
She glowered at him venomously and in a hoarse voice she whispered. 'Are you still here?'
'Amber!' Salene scolded. 'Jay has as much right to be here as any of us; you know as well as I do that he had nothing to do with this!'
Amber sneered uncharacteristically; her fists were clenching and unclenching at her sides as more tears slid from her sore eyes.
Jay made to quietly leave the cafe; he could deal with her accusations for now. The Mallrats needed peace right now not fighting. He could feel her intense and furious gaze on his back as he crossed the cafe. He stopped when he nearly bumped right into Ebony; she was blocking his path but not looking at him. She was glaring over at Amber. Oh god no, he thought, dismayed. Of all the times she could to pick to defend him?!
'Oh now you want nothing to do with Jay? You couldn't have perhaps employed this attitude before you ruined my life?' she snarled sarcastically, the dawn light flashing on her still wet cheeks.
'Ebony,' both he, Siva and Salene murmured in warning. Not that she paid the slightest bit of attention. Jay felt his body fill with dread and tension; everyone in the cafe was looking intently between him, Ebony and Amber.
'This has got nothing to do with you,' Amber whispered furiously; staring daggers at Ebony. 'And you can stop it with your crocodile tears. Do you honestly think anybody here believes for a second that you care Bray is dead? You ruined his life!'
Jay saw Siva's fist clench on the table top, saw Pride suck in an apprehensive breath... saw Jack sigh and put his face in his hands... and he gave up. He'd known eventually that the pair of them were going to scream at each other; he'd just not thought it would be now. He sank, defeated into the nearest chair.
'I don't care what you think,' Ebony spat, 'my opinion of you couldn't be any lower.' Her hands were trembling at her sides.
'Oh really? You said that about Jay and yet here you are, standing up for him? He cheated on you Ebony, and typically you still adore him. Like a loyal dog at her masters feet. When will you understand that no one will ever love you? Bray didn't and Jay obviously didn't either!' Amber screamed her throat raw with anger.
Ebony blinked in surprise but didn't say anything. She didn't have to; Pride and Selene had already shot up from their seats and were trying to gently nudge a tearful Amber back in the direction of her bedroom. Jay was quietly fuming about what she had said, but decided he would wait until a less charged moment to tell her off for it. Everybody was gaping at her in shock; no one had ever seen Amber like this before. She seemed to have ran out of steam however; as she slumped against Salene.
'I'm sorry, I- I shouldn't have said that. Ebony?' Her voice had softened dramatically and she looked imploringly at Ebony, her eyes full of tears. Ebony sneered and turned away; sitting back down next to her sister. Amber swallowed and nodded; she couldn't expect Ebony to accept an apology for an outburst like that.
Look, I didnt come up here to argue with any of you,' she sighed softly. 'I have to tell you all something- It -it's not just me that's lost somebody...' Amber whispered, her voice hitching as tears caught in her throat. 'Mega showed me- he showed me everything. They- they are all gone.'
Pride and Salene dropped her arms suddenly as though she had burned them. There were a few beats of awful silence. Jay felt the colour drain from his face.
'Amber...?' Lex whispered, his voice pained and quiet; the softest Jay had ever heard him speak.
Ambers face bloomed with even more pain than before as she took in the look on Lex's face. Perhaps because he had been one of the original Mallrats, and she knew that this would hurt him the most. Her eyes dropped to the floor as she slumped against the railings of the staircase.
'Tai-san... and Ryan... I'm sorry.' She whispered, squeezing her eyes shut.
The reaction from his friends was physically painful. Lex cried out in agony, while Salene fell to the floor, her hands covering her face.
'Cloe and Alice too,' Amber breathed, 'KC, Ned, Andy and Tally'.
The Mallrats sat in a shocked silence; the grief so evident on their faces it made Jay's chest so tight that he could hardly breathe. So much death; and it was all because of the Technos. Because of the plague he had brought here. Amber had been right this was all his fault. His eyes burned with unshed tears; he didn't even dare look to the others around him.
Amber looked like she too was in physical pain; she looked up at him, looking him in the eye for the first time since she'd accused him of being aware of Bray's death in his hospital room. Her lips trembled as she looked at him and the air in his lungs failed him as he understood.
'And Ved.' She said. 'I'm sorry.'
...
He didn't even know how he'd gotten himself here. All that mattered now was forgetting. And she would do that. He couldn't think now about what this meant; or what consequences it would bring. His brother was dead. His baby brother had been murdered and Jay had not been there to save him. She would make him forget; she had to. She had always been there, on the edge of his attentions. Perhaps always wanting this from him. Who knew? She was there now; and forgetting, that was all that mattered.
He pulled her closer to him; his lips crushing her own; he ran his fingers through her short purple hair. She moaned breathily against his mouth; making lovely sounds that helped him forget; her hands searching across the planes of his back and pulling at his neck.
This was helping; this is what he needed, he was sure of it. Backing her against the edge of the bed, and pushing her softly backwards he never lost contact with her lovely, soft mouth. She wanted him and he was happy to oblige her; Trudy, his loving nurse maid of the last week. He needed looking after right now; needed a distraction. And she was there and willing; this was what he needed. He tried to tell himself.