Disclaimer is in prologue. Letters in Italics represent people's inner thoughts.
This chapter is edited by TeaOli, who I can never thank enough for her patience and assistance. As I have the terrible habit to make last minute changes, all remaining mistakes are mine.
Various Shades of Gray
9. Fear and Faith
"Oh Sarek, I didn't meant to. It really, really was an accident," Amanda whispered as fast as she could. Her husband observed her as she dropped the Vulcan mask and guilt was written all over her face.
"What. Was. An accident?" he asked with an eerie calm voice and Amanda suddenly was extremely grateful for his Vulcan control. However, and despite of that, she still hesitated at the next words.
"I… accidentally! I swear! … tickled you." Her voice came out as a single whisper and she dreaded Sarek's reaction.
"…what?..." he asked questioning for two entire illogical seconds his own hearing.
Amanda took a deep breath, straightened her shoulders and decided to face him directly. Exactly why am I apologizing? What's done is done. What's he gonna do? Shoot me?
"Well, you were on top and I was lying-"
"You... tickled me? While I was... deep in plak'tow? Do you realize what could have happened if I mistook your action as aggressive?" For two point six seconds, Sarek felt his hands and feet go numb from the shock before he managed to control the intense physical reaction. The 'what if' possible outcomes he could calculate within the next seconds were terrifying.
Attack is the best defense Mandy, she thought and calmly stated, "You are dramatic." Sarek's eyebrows shot up into his hairline as he found himself struggling with a sudden rush of blood to his head that hindered his vision.
"I am several times stronger than you, perfectly capable of causing you serious damage – which is already proven – I was out of control, and yet you claim I am 'dramatic'? Are you utterly illogical?" Sarek hissed in an ice-cold voice.
"First of all, let me repeat that. It. Was. An. Accident!" Amanda shouted back. "My hand – accidentally! – touched your ribs." Sarek simply sat on the bed looking at her, petrified, which gave Amanda a feeling of self-confidence. Determined, she took another deep breath.
"I swear I didn't break our link for a single second. And I didn't stop the mantra either," she assured him and nervously chewed her lower lip. When Amanda was nervous she always chewed her lips. Because for the last two years she had a big secret. The memory of what that accidental incident provoked was something which until today she had kept to herself. For two whole years she had managed to hide it even from Sarek. But now the time had come to share that beloved memory she'd secretly treasured with the only other person involved.
She smiled shyly, coughed and cleared her voice. "Your response to my accidental touch was… ahem… unexpected. You started laughing," she whispered and looked at his face. Her eyes filled with tears and her voice cracked with emotion. "I'd never seen you laugh before. You were beautiful."
It took him the unusual period of five point four seconds to form a proper response.
"I believe for males the correct term is 'handsome'," he stated quietly trying to process the newly acquired information.
Suddenly Amanda started laughing and crying simultaneously with such intensity her entire body began shaking. Sarek reached out and effortlessly took her in his arms once again. He did not detect any feeling of sorrow through the bond. He concluded, because of the revelation and the emotional burden that accompanied it, that her unusual emotional reaction was not due to sadness, but rather one of relief.
For a moment he remained uncertain how to react. The only other time he knew Amanda to have had a similar reaction was the day Spock was born. And he was not with her when she first embraced their son. Laughter and crying, joy and pain, twin siblings… he contemplated and decided to proceed in a dual way. Therefore this time apart from the bond he also caressed his mate's face and hair. It was logical. He knew that his touch always soothed her. Sarek of Vulcan sighed audibly, which was a rare sign of his emotional state.
"Then what happened?" he murmured tenderly while kissing her cheek as Amanda's sobs started to fade away.
"Oh, let me see… You hadn't finished yet, so I'd had a couple more orgasms," Amanda laughed and swept the tears from her eyes, "and then… you finished and… I thought… well, after that you climaxed and stopped moving, but you were still inside of me, so I… I… decided to… ummm… take another chance. So I tickled you again. You just looked at me and laughed! Looks like you're ticklish... Good God! Do you know how difficult it is to do that, while maintaining our link and chanting at the same time?" she laughed again while wiping tears away.
"I can imagine," he answered softly.
"Anyway," Amanda sighed with a trembling smile and raised her shoulders, "for some time it was like a silly game. You know… you were on top and I touched your sides a little, you laughed, and then I touched you again… You looked so happy! I could tell from the bond that you were happy but… for a few minutes I could also see it with my own very eyes… You looked so genuinely happy. So handsomely happy," she recalled with a beaming, longing smile. "After a while, you decided you'd had too much fun…"
"Indeed? I do not recall anybody ever again accusing me of having too much fun."
Her tears had not stopped flowing yet now Amanda burst out laughing. She was grateful to Sarek for his… logical reaction. Yet, despite her laughter, she continued, somehow serious. "You grew tired and wanted to try something different. Than was when you pushed my hand away a little abruptly and flipped me over."
Sarek seized her by the shoulders and threw her a piercing look. "Did I hurt you in any other way?" he asked alarmed.
Amanda shook her head and answered in her most serious tone. "Of course not. Sarek, no! No! You did not! All you were interested was my body. Just like every other time. Besides, the hypo was near by. I injected myself with the painkiller immediately. And I did that without losing our link or stopping the mantra either." She smirked. "I'd say I did a very good job. And after that… " she looked at him suggestively; "…we both had too much fun."
A feeling of utter relief beyond words swept Sarek following the knowledge that he had not hurt his beloved adun'a during their feverish mating. Yet in spite of her assurance, the recent revelation worried him.
"Ashayam."
She looked down ashamed and shook her head regretfully. "I know... I shouldn't."
"Look at me," Sarek pleaded. Amanda raised her head and looked at him with sparkling eyes. Her lower lip began trembling again.
"You are important to me. You make me want to live… not simply to exist. You and Spock are the reason I have hope for the future. You are all my reasons." And in those words Amanda recalled immediately a caress she gave him with a bruised hand. She had used the exact same phrase two years ago.
"I'm sorry I said I'll leave you," she said and burst into tears. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"
"And I apologize for causing you pain," he said and she hugged him tight. Sarek put his arms around her in a steel embrace. Then he inhaled. Lustily he filled his nostrils with her scent. Repeatedly. Demandingly. Irrationally. "Amanda. I do not wish to hurt you ever again," he whispered hoarsely.
"I'll be more careful, I promise," her voice cracked.
"No," he shook his head. "No, Amanda. You do not understand." He pulled her out of his embrace, caught her by the shoulders and looked at her intensely. "I do not want you to do that ever again. It is dangerous. I cracked your wrist when I simply pushed your hand," he shivered. "Do you realize what could have happened if I… assaulted you?"
"You did." Amanda's smile beamed while her eyes shone full with tears. She sent him a mental image of the ravishment that followed. An image that caused Sarek to blush to the roots of his hair. They started engaging in an anal form of copulation after his first Time, so as to ensure he would not hurt her again. Well at least it served its purpose… he thought relieved, though considerably embarrassed. It was never easy for him to see himself in the throes of his Time through her eyes. His feverish behavior was inconsistent with the image he had for himself.
"I told you we had fun." Seeing his unconvinced expression she continued. "And it wasn't just that. This Time I even managed to go to the bathroom, twice!" Amanda said triumphantly. Sarek raised an eyebrow and gave her a doubting look. "Well… we went together… Oh, OK! I convinced you to carry me there... But Sarek, I did it! I really, really did it!"
Seeing a gulp forming in his throat, Amanda knew what her Vulcan husband was thinking. Sarek was analyzing her words and trying to estimate every possible outcome. Her heart was filled not with just love but more importantly with sorrow for everything he had to endure simply because he was who he was. Why did he have to suffer? He hadn't chosen to born Vulcan. Yet, because of his biology, he suffered a tremendous torment. Seeing him in pain, and at the same time thinking of her son's same fate, was her life's biggest agony. All she ever wanted was to drive the pain away.
She reached out and caressed his shoulders and cheeks trying to soothe him physically but also mentally from their bond. "Oh, Sarek, I know that you can't control it and that it frightens you more that anything else. But really… It's just sex. A little bumpy maybe…" She paused a moment, then as if speaking to herself, said, "Very, very bumpy, but still I am always ther-" Amanda froze at the piercing look Sarek gave her.
Her husband watched her in disbelief. How was it possible that, after all these years, she still saw this as a simple carnal act? Couldn't she see through their bond? Hadn't three Times taught her anything?
"No, Amanda it is not. The mating time is not about sex. It is about survival. And at that time I am not interested in playing childish games. I am interested in mating. It is as simple as that. You do not know how high the Fires burn." Sarek shivered again at the painful memory and even looked regretful. "My own body, my blood is betraying me. I lose the most important aspect of myself, my logic. I lose my judgment, I lose myself… Can you imagine if your emotions were stripped from you?"
At this question Amanda saw red. This was unfair and uneven! Besides, after living on his planet, among his people for nine years, she could perfectly understand.
"Sarek, you can accuse me of many things, but you can't accuse me of not understanding you. I do know! Because I'm right there inside your mind. Even when you are not yourself, I'm right there! Feeling your desires. Serving your needs, whatever they may be. Keeping your off-the-charts chemical imbalance as low as possible until the fever subsides. That's what the bond is all about. That is its necessity. I know I'm not Vulcan but have you ever thought that as an outsider my opinion isn't as prejudiced as yours? And having managed to keep you alive three times I believe at least I am entitled to a valid opinion!"
"..."
"What?"
"Your… logic is sound, my wife. I am pleased you were not a member of the Terran delegation that negotiated our trade agreements."
Now it was Amanda's turn to be speechless. She blinked as if awaking from a dream. Sarek congratulated her for her logic? This was such a rare moment. "Thank you," she mumbled.
"However your logic has one flaw."
Defiantly Amanda raised her chin. I can do this… "Shoot."
"How can you ensure that in the future I will not harm you again?"
Damn. He is good.
"Thank you."
"Hey! Get out of my head!" she yelled mockingly and hit him in the chest with her fist.
"I… apologize," Sarek said startled and his ears flushed a pale shade of green. "That was completely unintentional," he ashamedly admitted.
He is such a baby sometimes, Amanda thought and smiled. "I know," she said and her fist became a gentle caress. "Skin to skin contact always does that."
"Indeed. And our recent lack of physical proximity was proven to be most unsettling." Sarek's gaze traveled shamelessly all over her naked body while his right hand started caressing her extremely low in her back. Then his left hand sitting on her thigh moved to follow the warm trail between her…
"Oh, no you won't! You will not change the subject!"
Swiftly she removed herself from his embrace and sat on his right calf. Baby my foot! Amanda thought, alarmed. She had to distance herself from his seductive body. The fact that they were having this intimate conversation naked on their bed was not helping at all her ability to perform coherent arguments or form any decent thoughts.
Odd how such a fragile figure possesses such vigor, he thought, amused, watching her resistant form.
Amanda pushed her hair away from her face and straightened herself. She placed both her hands on his knee and faced him with a determined look. "Sarek… things are not always black or white. I realized that during the last three months."
He tilted his head curious. "Specify."
"The day I got the panic attack. Do you remember what you told me that day? You said that Spock will return because he has your blood and my will. And he did. Our baby… He did return to us."
Sarek remembered every single detail of that day. And not because of his eidetic memory. "I remember that statement."
"Sometimes… things mix a little. A little white, a little black..." she smiled softly "…a little Vulcan, a little Human. And from that mix sometimes… extraordinary things happen. Things like… a baby sleeping three rooms down the corridor." Amanda shook her head and her eyes sparkled with tears. "A baby that grows so fast."
"Indeed. Last time I checked him he was not a baby, but a little child."
"Not so little any more, I'm afraid. Haven't you heard?" she whispered and smiled conspiratorially. "He is bonded now."
"Certain… rumors have succeeded in successfully reaching my ears," he replied while his eyes shone.
Amanda gasped. Not another reference to her small ears! It was… what? The seventh million? And he was tinkling her through the bond! When was he gonna stop teasing her for her round ears and grow up? Amanda fumed and her eyes narrowed while she looked straight into his face. "I swear Spock's crocked sense of humor is not from my side," she said and shook her head, sending him a mental reprimand.
"My wife, I refuse to remain here and get insulted," he protested in his finest ambassadorial Vulcan dignity. "I prefer to return to my room."
"Oh. My. God!" she exclaimed and pointed her index finger at him. "You sir, are afraid that you are losing our argument," she said as if not believing her own words.
"I was unaware we were arguing," Sarek replied in his most innocent tone.
"I was going to prove to you that you will not hurt me again during a Time. Ever. And we could also… enjoy ourselves at the same time," she said with a mischievous smile.
"I believed that, so far, you failed to provide me with a satisfactory answer."
"First of all, aren't three successful Times a proof?"
Sarek's gaze darkened. "Two Times. Minus a broken wrist."
"Oh, you can be such a fussy!" Amanda moaned.
"Thank you."
"Hmmm… I'm gonna spare you the 'thank you' just this time…" Amanda looked him warily and bit her lips. Vulcans never talked about Pon Farr, not even amongst themselves. Instead of seeing the Time of Mating for what it truly was, an emerging of the primitive side each species in their universe has, they were ashamed and chose to cloak it with rituals dating back thousands of years. In her human eyes it stood as a paradox that even her own husband fell prey to.
She recalled his discomfort from the moment she had said 'I do'. Before they were married, Sarek embarrassedly arranged for her to talk with a Healer at the Vulcan Embassy on Earth. After their marriage and relocation to Vulcan, she had begun private lessons with another Healer. Now, as she sat on his calf, she knew that, regardless of her perspective, her husband for nine years would find this uncomfortable, to say the least. However, after all the talk that preceded, this was a conversation they simply couldn't avoid. So Amanda chose a direct approach. It would be quicker and save him from the embarrassment. "Sarek, do you know the cycles of mating during the plak'tow?" she asked.
Sarek's eyebrows ejected again. "Amanda plak'tow is mating. There are no cycles."
"Aha!" I got him now! "Guess again!" she said with an evil grin. "I hate to spoil your illusion but I have some news for you, my very Vulcan husband. You see during the plak'tow occasionally you also need to rest. Yes, these intervals are short but there are intervals nevertheless. Sarek, last Time I counted eight breaks during the first day and fourteen on the second."
"I am aware of those… interludes my wife," he nodded and shifted uncomfortably. Such a conversation between them was completely unprecedented. "I… have been told that the fever rises and subsides numerous times while my hormone levels are unstable. But, in general, they remain at an extremely high level. For that reason, I have no memories and do not regain consciousness until after the fever breaks."
"Well, couldn't we use these intervals to… relax a little? It will do you good!" she insisted and gave him an almost begging look. "I could tell from last Time you were less tense, less stiff after that." But Sarek's expression made Amanda realize he was not convinced yet. So she decided it was time to pull her last card…
"Sarek, I'm not Vulcan and I'm sure you're quite aware of that by now. Also, I'd like to remind you that our bond has me on the edge during your Time, as well. I cannot sleep, either! I assure you, I can handle a headache in the size of a shuttle! What I cannot do is lay on my back with my legs wide open while chanting and pretend nothing is happening! It is boring! I want to participate! And… And… And… And I want to see that smile again!" There! I've said it! She thought and released a breath she didn't realize she held.
Seeing the seriousness, both in his wife's face but also through their bond, Sarek realized that this was not an illogical request she had come up with a few seconds ago. She had thought of this repeatedly over an extensive amount of time, and Sarek became alarmed. This was dangerous ground his Human wife walked on…
"You know that I love you, just as you are," she said with a firm voice. "But that smile was… It was out of my control," she admitted and looked around the room as if trying to escape from the memory. Then she looked at his serious face again. "Not even in my wildest dreams would I think of you smiling. And suddenly… there you were, still inside of me and smiling! I was half out of my mind! I was chanting and focused on the bond; in spite of – I assure you – a huge orgasm! And all of a sudden I came face to face with you smiling! I couldn't ignore it. I just couldn't!" Amanda cried and shook her head.
"Anyway, aren't Vulcan women supposed to go through that fever as well? I wonder how much control they have at times like this? And what would you do if you had to stay passive while I had my way with you? Getting one orgasm after another and doing absolutely nothing except chanting? For two whole damn days!" Amanda exploded and Sarek felt her heartbeat elevate as these secret thoughts left her lips for the first time.
"Amanda, I am aware you are not Vulcan. However, I am not sure if you have realized that as well. You are fragile. I cannot risk that."
"I know my strength is no match for yours," Amanda said in all her seriousness. "Sarek, I'm not suicidal and I have no death-wish. I don't like it when my bones are broken. And, more importantly, I don't like to see in your eyes the pain of hurting me. I love you so much – I would never intentionally hurt you or Spock. You know that! The only reason I am saying all this is because now, after three Times, I am totally confident that we can do it. Things are not always black or white. They don't have to be. We can work this out, like we did all those years. Step by step. It can work. Spock is the living proof. Together we can do it."
"I cannot risk hurting you, Amanda. Never again."
"You will not! You told me to have faith when Spock was out in the Forge. Can't you also have faith in me? I can do this! We can do this!"
"You ask too much, Amanda." Sarek's voice was at the most emotional level she had ever heard. They both realized that this conversation was clearly testing his limits.
"I will be careful… I will not do anything foolish," she promised, pleading. "If I see that you are not in a mood I won't attempt anything, I swear! Your… emotional behavior during the plak'tow must have a logical reason, right?" she asked hesitantly and gulped. The only reason she had never told him all this, was that Amanda knew too well that even the mention of the words 'you' and 'emotion' in the same sentence were seriously offending him.
There it is again… his 'almost sigh'…
Sarek raised his chin. "It is part of my species' biology," he said. Sometimes things were… that simple.
Amanda looked at him with begging eyes. "So? … All I'm asking is for a glimpse of what's already there..."
At that moment a fierce battle took place within Sarek. Fear. Fear for the life of his beloved adun'a, for his own, for breaking centuries of tradition. And faith. Faith in himself, in his wife, in their future together.
This evening indeed was proven difficult. More difficult than I anticipated, he thought. The 'what if' scenarios, that formed unwillingly in his mind, were chilling the blood in his veins.
Sarek now understood why Amanda suffered an emotional 'panic attack' during their son's kahs'wan. Uncertainty… Fear… Faith… suddenly were more that simple words. They became alive and buzzed inside his mind, haunting his katra. He was uncertain how he would react himself without practicing strict control during his entire life.
"I cannot provide now an answer ashayam. I need to meditate," he solemnly replied.
Amanda smiled. She smiled with difficulty, yet she smiled nevertheless. Such a warm, small, familiar smile. "OK," was all she said and nodded. Sometimes things were… that simple.
Slowly, Amanda moved again inside his embrace and straddled his legs while looking at his face. Sarek quietly moved his body so as to facilitate her movements. He looked at her lips, full and promising pleasures once unimaginable. Those soft, tempting lips were his own personal haven. His right hand reached out and caressed them lightly.
Amanda closed her eyes and savored the feeling of his seductive touch. She worshiped these fingers, long and slender. When they were inside her, she forgot even her own name while her existence was hanging at the edge of these fingertips. She opened her mouth and welcomed his warm fingers one by one, offering a wet shelter to the wandering seekers.
It was as if repeated waves of heat spread instantly from each of his fingers through his entire body. "Ap-Lau!" Sarek moaned and felt his temperature to rise vertically. Aflame. He was aflame. Amanda's embrace was cool, but it turned his blood into fire. Instinctively his gaze was fixed on his mark on her shoulder… An external sign declaring to all other males that his mate belonged to him and to nobody else. After all these months it had almost faded. He would have to rectify it.
Were there really those who claimed we do not fit perfectly in each other? Fools, he thought before she first moved her mouth down his shoulder and bit fiercely…
Vulcan words (from VLD)
plak'tow: blood fever, the final part of Pon Farr
Ap-Lau: heaven, a place of eternal peace
Chapter soundtrack
Nana Mouskouri - Only Love
Shania Twain - You're still the One
Ronan Keating – When you say nothing at all
A/N: Your thoughts, comments and ideas are most welcome.