Chapter 10: Unwanted

Natsume and Lucas didn't discuss the Dance much afterwards. Lucas had blushingly admitted he'd had fun, and had been very pleased to see Natsume dancing too. Considering he wouldn't have have done that before, at least something good had come out of that moment of petty jealousy; Lucas had been reassured that Natsume hadn't been left out. Lucas was forever worried about fair. If he thought Natsume was unhappy, he would sit down with him and be miserable too. If dancing was what it took to make Lucas smile again, so be it. Still, the rumours swirling around about the play, Snow White, and Mr. Wildcat faded away, in large part because nobody liked to have Natsume glaring at them, and Lucas turned his focus towards studying for midterms.

Natsume couldn't say he had any interest in midterms. When he did his homework, it was never his best effort, and midterms were meaningless. When you focus so much on making it through the next day, and are reasonably sure you won't live to see thirteen, schoolwork means less than ever. Sometimes Natsume skipped midterms on principle, giving the Academy another middle finger, but Lucas wanted to be a vet someday, and Natsume was willing to get behind that. A diploma from Alice Academy would open a lot of options for Lucas, and Natsume wanted him to at least get something out of his stay here besides grief. As such, Natsume and Lucas quietly spent their time studying together so Lucas could get the best grades possible. It was nice. Between Mikan's arrival, his kidnapping, missions, and the Alice Festival, Natsume and Lucas had hardly had a moment of peace together in weeks. As much as Natsume despised the Academy, studying with Lucas, quietly side by side, asking the occasional question, was soothing.

Not everyone found it as such; when Mikan was told midterms were coming up in a week she vented loudly about how she hated tests. She would study, and know everything really well, and then blank on the actual day. She hated sitting still for long periods. Her grandfather was always upset with her low grades. She swore once in second grade she came back with goose eggs. As always with Mikan, she narrated with dramatic flair that might make you feel the world was ending. It would have annoyed Natsume before, but now he watched out of the corner of his eye with curiosity and fondness. Mikan was passionate. It was just how she was made. And when Mikan, amidst the ribbing she was enduring from Hotaru about how tests must be difficult for idiots, was told by Pres about the Honour Student Award that might enable her to go home and see he grandfather for a week, she resolved to study harder than anyone ever had in history.

Natsume didn't understand her sudden enthusiasm. Mikan was being monitored by the school; her letters had been burned; it was next to impossible she'd win even if she got the best grades ever. Only the fact that Narumi seemed to have a soft spot for her allowed Natsume to even consider the possibility that she'd stand a chance. She was either oblivious, or didn't care the odds.

"Does anyone want to study with me?" Mikan cried out looking around the class. "Hotaru?"

"Oh, no. I've never seen the point of group work. If you don't study with someone equal to you in intelligence there's just no point. Besides, I think stupidity might be contagious."

"Hotaru! Oh, you."

"I'll help Mikan." Pres spoke softly.

"Thanks!" Mikan looked around, but there were no more takers. "Lucas?"

Lucas looked over at Natsume with apologies in his eyes, but also a confidence bourne of the new understanding he and Natsume had reached.

"Yeah, sure." He shrugged, trying and failing to pull off nonchalant, and sat over with Mikan.

Natsume wanted to reach out after him like a toddler with arms outstretched trying to grab things, so small almost everything was out of grasp. His friend tried to retain the aloof persona he'd adopted for Natsume's sake, but it was clearly softened by his gentle assistance of Mikan. Natsume ignored the familiar twinge in his chest. He was grateful, he reminded himself, that Lucas was losing the harshness. Mikan smiled widely at his friend, who shyly avoided her eyes and futilely pretended to be unaffected. The bitter truth was these days he wasn't sure who he was jealous of. Sometimes he was jealous of Mikan for hogging his best-friend, and for possibly being a better friend than he was. Other times, he was jealous of Lucas for his easy acceptance by Mikan. It was a very frustrating situation all around. So naturally, Mind-Reader and Fox-Eyes instantly joined the group as well, seemingly for the Hell of it, but likely because being around Mikan meant a riot, and they knew both Tobita and Lucas had a crush on her. (And Mind-Reader knew he did too.) The tutoring of Mikan Sakura began.

It turned out Mikan wasn't joking about blanking. She was confused by fractions with Fox-Eyes, Kanji with Mind-Reader, and poor Lucas was lost in his endeavour to teach her history. Even the basics like the year the first shogunate was established, 1192, seemed to be beyond her reach. Mikan could read one page, and by the second, forget what she had read on the first. It was mind-boggling. She was also very easily distracted. Natsume had a feeling if you wanted her to learn anything, you had to find a way to make it move. Soon Mind-Reader and Fox-Eyes were mercilessly teasing her about being a "genuine moron," and saying she was even stupider than they were. He couldn't say he appreciated them teasing her like that. She took the jokes in good humour, but he could tell that some of their words must hurt her. Lucas must have felt the same, because he categorically refused to join in their borderline bullying.

"Should we teach them a lesson?" Lift-Up sidled up to him to ask, glaring at the antics of Mikan's study group which had so quickly degenerated. "Those idiots are dragging Lucas into something again."

Natsume glanced over to watch Mikan run around the classroom avoiding her taunters and said nothing. What could he really say? In the corner, Mikan cried to Lucas that she swore Natsume's eyes were telling her she was stupid. Stupider than stupid. Lucas kindly assured her he was certain that hadn't been what Natsume had meant by his look. Natsume didn't know whether to thank him or clock him over the head.

Mikan sat down again to study and this time the more sensible members of the class came by to point out that no matter how hard she studied, she'd never win the honour of going home. These sorts of things were determined from the start, especially since everyone knew who the smart kids were; she should learn her limits, but Mikan refused all reason and told them all to "Shut up!" She was going to try her hardest, and nothing else would satisfy her. The rest of the crowd ran off to play dodgeball without her, leaving her in desperate misery. Mikan was serious, he mused, if she was giving up an opportunity to show off her athletic ability. She ran to her Special Ability class to get help, and Lucas sat back down with Natsume when Mikan started getting curious about why he wasn't aiming for the prize of going home. Natsume was dismayed to see him go from happy with Mikan to somber with him.

The pattern continued for the rest of the week. Mikan zipped back and forth between classes, friends, and tutors, refusing to stop for anything. What she lacked in Academics she made up in sheer grit and stick-to which was strangely compelling. She swore she knew she probably wouldn't win, but giving up would kill her conscience so study, study, and study she did. So far as Natsume could tell, it wasn't lack of intelligence or determination that hindered her, just lack of attention span. It was like watching a beautifully choreographed train-wreck. Towards the end of the week even Natsume's most disillusioned lackeys had noticed she'd gotten everyone else into study mode.

"And they're all guys who would get the same grade whether they studied or not!"

"It doesn't matter how hard you work; you're not going home."

"Well, I suppose there's the 'I don't want to lose to that idiot' factor."

The day before exams, Mikan had fallen asleep on her notes. She had clearly been staying up late. Feeling left-out and ashamed, even Lift-Up broke out a book, and Natsume found himself helping others in his gang beside Lucas study. Quietly breaking down key concepts, and poking fun with the rest of the boys was more genuinely satisfying than Natsume could have anticipated. He'd had few to no friends before Lucas with his family's constant moving; he never expected to feel so comfortable and accepted amongst people his own age, and his dry, acerbic sense of humour didn't seem to phase them too much. (Perhaps because it was better to be verbally burned than physically.) He almost cracked a grin when Mikan pointed out from her side of the classroom that they were studying too.

"Well we're not doing it because of you or anything!" Lift-Up shouted back.

Yeah, right. Natsume wasn't in denial anymore. Mikan just rubbed off on you. It was something about the sincerity in the midst of cynicism that made them believe there was something other than shit in the world. A simple flower growing in a barren wasteland they couldn't bare to pluck, easy as it would be, because it had bloomed there against all odds, and there was something about the innocent vulnerability that almost served as a weapon.

The first midterm was Narumi's for Japanese. Narumi had walked in with his typical fake-smile and a pink suit with a bow. Passing out the tests he said,

"I'm tired of worrying myself sick over coming up with ways to prevent cheating every year, but in the end I devised an elaborate plan of my own for the content of this year's test. I hope you will all enjoy it."

By the time the papers had reached Natsume in the back row, groans had been heard throughout the class. Dreading what Narumi had come up with this time Natsume found:

Write a love letter to me (Mr. Narumi), and include five Kanji that you learned this year. It must be between 150-200 words long, and use three of the following: Personification, inverted sentence, conjunction, subjective.

Bastard. He was leaving it blank. When the exam was over, Mikan was the only one who thought she'd done well, and even seemed to have enjoyed it. Even the suck-up, Pres, was heard to say he was glad he hadn't wasted his serious studying for Japanese.

The rest of the exams were less ridiculous. Mind-Reader was busted for cheating by Mr. Misaki's test-monitoring cacti which had apparently made a point of laughing at all of Mikan's answers. Jin-Jin and Serina had tag-teamed their classes by threatening cheaters with lightning while Serina monitored for cheating through her crystal ball. Afterwards, Natsume found himself spending recess with a group of students comparing answers. He had said nothing, encouraged no conversation, and had merely tolerated everyone's presence. Over the next couple of days, Natsume had gotten complacent thinking that his simple plan to ignore Mikan, and live and let live was working. The events of the last exam for Social Studies changed everything.

This time a substitute teacher walked in calling himself Serio, and the number of Alice restraints he had in his ears and on his fingers were more than enough to convince people it wouldn't be worth the effort of cheating. Natsume recognised those Alice restraints. That was Persona in a wig. Why in Hell he was here, Natsume didn't know, but it couldn't be good. He was sure he must have failed the exam, he kept tensing, waiting for the attack which never came. As soon as time was up, and Persona left, Natsume dashed out the door after him.

"Hey! What are you trying to pull, Persona!" His rage made him brave. "Wearing that sorry excuses for a disguise, what's a creep like you doing in a classroom?"

"I was under orders from the headmaster." Persona removed his wig as they spoke. It occured to Natsume he'd never seen the man without his mask before. He almost wondered if there was a price to be paid for that knowledge. Persona's features seemed more delicate without them. It was like the difference between a coarse, blunt dagger, and a refined blade. "They say that lately your eyes aren't as wild as they used to be, and told me to ascertain the cause for myself, and while I was at it, I thought I might as well learn about that kitten of a different colour you've been hanging out with lately."

Natsume felt the contents of his stomach freeze to ice. "What are you talking about?"

"It was rather enjoyable. I never thought the day would come when I would see you quietly sitting in your seat taking a test even though there's nothing for you to gain in it." Persona smirked at him, and Natsume felt such a viscous hatred rise within him he almost struck the man. "After all, you haven't had a home or a family to go back to in a long time now." There was a pause as if Persona knew exactly the storm he'd wrought in Natsume's heart. "The headmaster advises against his pet cat," Natsume grit his teeth at that descriptor, "gaining any new favorites, especially that kitten of a different colour." Who the Hell talks like that?

"You're the ones who made her my partner!"

"That isn't really what the headmaster wanted." Persona turned and rotted the leaves off a nearby plant in a clear threat. "You had best be careful."

Natsume honestly felt like crying as Persona walked away. It was so unfair! He thought he'd finally settled things. He ignored Mikan; Mikan ignored him, and they both shared Lucas. Simple Easy. Now what was he supposed to do? Go out of his way to be nasty to her? He guessed he had to. Persona had just threatened to kill her, because, somehow, in spite of everything, they knew she brought some measure of joy into his life. She gave him hope. Can't have that. How Lucas was going to maintain a friendship with her if he treated her cruelly, he didn't know. Lucas's loyalty was only hurting him on that front, like earlier in the week when he'd stopped studying with her when she asked why he wasn't trying to go home. He kept Natsume's secrets, and Natsume was certain Mikan wouldn't get involved with him without knowing them. Of course, that was a while away yet, probably, and he'd likely be dead so it didn't matter. At this point, short of getting Aoi out, he thought the sooner it happened the better for everyone.

Natsume slammed the door to his bedroom when he entered, and threw himself on the bed, hoping to sleep away the rest of the day when a thought intruded. The immediate threat to Mikan had overridden the obvious. Why had Narumi paired them? And why had Imai and Sakurano encouraged it? If the principal hadn't wanted that, then why? And how could the principal have even known the effect Mikan would have had on him beforehand, anyway? Or was the reason they didn't want them close merely because of how her Alice could be used? Perhaps Naru had meant it as a punishment as he had always thought, and the principal had only found out after, and hadn't liked it? Perhaps Imai and Sakurano hadn't known? But, no, at that point, they would have had to have known Kuonji's opinion. They'd still told him to stay close to her like Narumi said. Unless they were going for reverse psychology, that was fishy. Everything was fishy, actually. Naru's true motivations lay completely confused, and now Imai and Sakurano who were supposed to be the most loyal of lackeys seemed suspect too. It was like thinking you were on solid ground and discovering it was quicksand. Natsume didn't know who to trust anymore. Everything was suspect. If enemies might be friends that was good, but could friends also be enemies? Well, Lucas definitely wasn't, and he was the only friend Natsume really had, so he'd just keep it that way. Far safer.

Left with no other alternative, Natsume skipped and ditched classes as much as he could. Avoiding Mikan was better than being nasty to her. His first DA class was worse than ever after Persona's warning, and it had left him on his knees coughing up blood, pain in every area of his body imaginable, but the next Alice class, Persona allowed him to focus more on weapons, and not abusing his Alice, making it clear to him how much of his health he'd be allowed was also held in the palm of the Principal's hand. Natsume kept to himself, and tried to get through. He swore he could feel his blood pressure rising, killing him quicker. He had migraines that could only come from living under an axe suspended over your head by thread. The days passed too quickly, because Natsume couldn't fathom how he could maintain this pattern. When the days bled into the first week, then the second, and Naru started to make snide comments about the consequences of ditching, Natsume grit his teeth and sat through homeroom hoping to be ignored. Almost the entire class was making fun of Mikan for having gotten the lowest grades, and she'd finally burst into tears and ran out the door. He found himself tempted to run out after her. He also wanted to burn anyone who had thought it fun to be mean to her. Instead, he did nothing, called her "ugly," and hated himself with an intensity which startled him. He was used to self-loathing.

Mikan on her part seemed to be trying to figure him out. Natsume had caught her watching him. It was one of those moments when someone catches you staring, you should be grateful, because they were staring at you too, but everytime their eyes caught, Natsume jerked his head away with what could only be interpreted as disdain, and Mikan would look disgruntled and turn around. He hoped she wouldn't stop, but she was bound to eventually. It was nice to think even a small part of her was curious about why he was so hot, and mostly cold with her.

"Natsume," Persona found him after the days classes were over. "We've a mission for you."

Natsume nodded once, and followed him to the DA room where Persona pinned the Black Cat mask on him. He figured he should feel something. Rage. Hate. Frustration. In truth, he felt numb. If he felt anything at all, it was relief. On missions he didn't have to keep up such a taxing charade.

"The mission is a simple one. The principal is expecting a shipment near where Reo kidnapped you. You will guard his vessel from any outside interference. Understood?"

"Yes, sir."

It was Tonouchi who drove them there. He would amplify Natsume's Alice. They boarded the ship, and went out to see where the transfer of whatever Kuonji was trafficking would take place. Missions like this were fairly standard, and often enough nothing happened with them, but tonight was not that night. A different ship approached, heading towards them at such a blunt angle it was clear they were intent upon stopping the transfer from happening. Natsume found himself obliged to erect a thick wall of fire between them. He maintained it for far, far too long, and had to be creative in the way he maneuvered it to prevent the enemy from reaching them, but not prevent the transfer of cargo. Tono placed hands on his shoulders helping steady him as he boosted Natsume's Alice. It increased his power, but also the strain. Natsume could feel sweat beading on his forehead; his heart pounding rapidly as it fluttered in his chest. He swore he felt all of his rib muscles flex and ache with every breath he took. He was gasping shallowly. It would have been easier if Natsume had simply burned the other ship, but he couldn't bear the thought of killing or maiming people without due cause, so he bore the brunt of pain instead. When the transfer was complete, Natsume staggered off the boat with aches in every joint. When his feet hit pavement he passed out vaguely feeling Tono catch him before his head could slam the pavement.

He woke up in the hospital; Dr. Takayuki was there.

"Hello, Natsume."

"Hn."

"Yes, well," The man looked tired and clearly didn't want to be there, so they were both able to avoid the so-called niceties. "I had Imai repair what damage he could, but you may as well know that I've done a biopsy and it's clear your liver is suffering. If you've still been using your cough medication, you'll have to stop. It'll worsen your arrhythmia. I've added a new drug to your usual ones to help decrease inflammation. You remember the symptoms of liver disease to look for? I told you a few months ago when you heart problem got worse?"

Natsume nodded. He kind of did, things like testicular shrinkage and vomiting blood weren't things to forget, but it didn't really matter. He'd be here often enough anyway.

"Well, look out for those as well as the one's for nephritis. Everything in you's inflamed, which is to be expected with your disease."

"Did you add a refill for opiods?" He asked not looking at the Dr. He felt oddly like he'd fall apart if he did. "I'm almost all out."

"And I dare say you're in a lot of pain?"

A nod.

Takayuki sighed, hesitated a brief second, and wrote out another prescription and added it to the rest. "There. You can go whenever you please. Just drop by the pharmacy on your way out."

Natsume grabbed the prescriptions and walked out. He just wanted to go to sleep, and forget. He locked his bedroom door hastily, and scrambled up onto his bed, took his regular medications, and then popped out as many pain pills as he could. He didn't even care at the moment if he ODed or not. He just wanted not to hurt anymore. Pills around him on the bedspread, Natsume clutched his sheets in the agony which narrowed his world down to only the pain he could feel and the animal need to howl, retreat, escape. Tears trickled down his cheeks against his will, and as he passed out he wished desperately to have someone hold him.

That night he swore he dreamed his mother was there, holding him, whispering in his ear that it would get better. Things were working to get better already. Help had come. "Remember your name," she had whispered right before he'd woken up. For the life of him, he wasn't sure what that meant. It had been a running joke in his family that he'd been named jujube because the colour matched his mother's Alice stone, and their eyes. His mother hoped it would bring him luck and health, since the jujube was supposed to have medicinal properties. (All of which was discovered when his dad had bought his mom Natsume tea. He was named for tea. Tea. His sister had loved teasing him. He really missed her.) How this would help him in real life was utterly beyond him. Natsume didn't see how his name was supposed to help him anymore. It was just a fantasy, but his mother's well-wishes, dreamed or otherwise, did at least give him the discipline to get up again. He wanted her to be proud of him. She hadn't fought so hard for him to quit. Of course, the Academy had gotten her in the end too.

Natsume watched from homeroom as Mikan and her friends waved off their new acquaintance, Kaname, the shadow freak's best friend, back to the hospital. Was that his future? Condemned to stay in the hospital with Stage IV of Alice disease, waiting for organ transplants? God, he hoped not. Of course, even if it was, Lucas would be the only one to care. Natsume turned around and waited for class to start. Like a taunt, it was a celebration for Tobita who had won the honour student award and would be allowed to go home and see his family, including his little baby sister. Natsume sat in the corner trying not to feel sorry for himself, and failed miserably. He wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep.

He ditched the next two days of class, and damn Naru. When he returned he kept his actions simple. He did not allow Mikan close to him. If she approached, he walked away. If she talked to him, he utterly ignored her, called her names, or otherwise forced her away. It was tedious, and exhausting, but simple, familiar. When the weekend came again, he told Lucas he was tired, and spent it alone in his room, or with Youichi. That way Lucas wouldn't feel obliged to stick around, but how much longer this charade could continue, he couldn't say. Lucas was bound to catch on soon, and Natsume didn't know what to tell him, because he wasn't sure how Lucas would react. It was easier just to avoid it all. He couldn't face anything else, anything more. The idea almost made him hyperventilate.

Come Monday morning a new problem had arisen. While the rest of the class were wildly anticipating Tobita's return, Narumi told everyone to settle down, because he had an urgent announcement to make regarding the rumours from the new notices about "Alice Loss." Natsume had already read it that morning:

With regards to the "Loss of Alice" incidences that have been creating a lot of disturbances, there are no means of discovering the true cause, but at this moment five relatively active people in Japan have been affected by loss of their Alice. Is this caused by humans? Or natural contagious diseases? Or other reasons which are being investigated by many countries?

Amongst the students, if you discover abnormalities in your condition, please immediately contact you homeroom teacher or the school administration.

"These incidents are called "Loss of Alice Incidents," because this is the result of investigations that show these losses are not related to the Alice forms. In other words, these losses have not been caused by either over-use of an Alice, or an Alice that may only be used in childhood. We have proof of that." He continued to explain that the causes of the phenomenon were still unknown. "What we know is that a week ago the first victim appeared, after which six affected people have turned up in the past week. All of them are adult Alice's currently active outside the school. Surprisingly, immediately prior to the loss, there were no symptoms." As whispers and murmurs spread throughout the cass, Narumi hastily tried to reassure them. "Now, now, don't panic. At this point, no such thing has happened inside the school. Of course, that doesn't mean it will never happen. There's no way to predict if it will." Yeah, that was bound to decrease panic. Well done. "Therefore, if anyone feels that they or their friends are not acting normally, please contact a teacher immediately."

The class buzzed as Narumi left the classroom leaving havoc in his wake. He did that often, dropped bombshells, and left them all to deal with the shrapnel.

"Imagine losing your Alice out of the blue. So scary."

"Well, it's only affected adults so far, so maybe it doesn't affect kids!"

"But losing one's Alice means we can go back home. That isn't so bad, is it?"

Natsume had to say he agreed. Listening to Narumi talk this morning had filled him with a faint spark of hope, he hadn't dared allow himself to continue to feel, but if he could lose his Alice, maybe he could heal, maybe he wouldn't die. Maybe Natsume would be a lucky name, after all. Maybe.

"Wow, that's not so bad!"

"You are all idiots!" Shouda bit out. "Losing one's Alice means we can go home! It's disgusting."

It was the Chemistry Girl, Nonoko, that broke Natsume.

"Well, I would really like to go home and stay with my family forever, but losing my Alice would be horrible, because my Alice is already a part of my life, and to think I would never see anyone from school again... We've always been together, but only recently did we start getting along. If I couldn't see anyone, I think I would be quite sad."

Natsume stood up and made to leave.

"They've gone mad," Lift-Up muttered from his book as Mikan and her friends were trying to reassure each other in the corner of the classroom.

He wasn't a part of the class; he wouldn't be missed; he bitterly wished he didn't have his Alice, and if he left God knew what would happen to his sister, but Kuonji would have no reason to keep her with Natsume gone. There would be no benefit in it. This was all about Natsume's Alice, and he didn't want it. He didn't want it. All it did was hurt others and kill him. He wouldn't be sad to lose it. He'd just be a kid.

"Natsume!" He heard Lucas chasing after him. "Natsume! Where are you going?"

"Nowhere." He stopped walking, but didn't turn around to face Lucas who had stopped as well and stood in his shadow.

"Natsume, has something happened?" He hesitantly approached him. "These last few days, you've been a bit strange." Another few steps. "Has something cropped up again?"

Natsume forced a smile, and ruffled Lucas's hair. "Stupid! Nothing's wrong." Lucas looked a bit skeptical but offered a half-smile back. "I just don't want to listen to their yammering. I'm going to get some fresh air, okay?"

"Okay."

Natsume wasn't certain Lucas believed him, but as long as he hadn't burdened his friend, he was grateful.