"I don't want to see anyone. I lie in the bedroom with the curtains drawn and nothingness washing over me like a sluggish wave. Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead."
― Margaret Atwood

Chapter Ten

Excitement sizzled within Lucy's belly. Finally, finally, there was a way for her friends to return back to normal! She giggled a short breath of delighted laughter, heading to the dining hall. Erza and her were friends so she was sure to explain what Rogue meant. That's what friends do, right? Lucy thought so, anyway.

It was a great day. After that talk with Rogue last night and after receiving his advice, she felt self-assured. She didn't know how she could ever repay him for his kindness.

"You know Princess," Loki said as he walked beside her, "I don't say this to be mean or anything but.. you trust way too easily."

Lucy raised her eyebrows and made a quick glance in the man's direction. "Yeah? And your point is..?" He pushed up his sunglasses with his middle finger and then shoved his hands into his pockets.

"My point is that it's not a smart thing to do. Especially that Rogue guy. You should be more wary around him."

"Huh? He's my friend. Why wouldn't I trust him? You're being negative, stop it."

"I'm the only one who isn't a jerk to you, so you should at least listen to my reasoning." The girl rolled her eyes, huffing.

"The others support our relationship," she stated matter-of-factly. "You should too."

"That's not even what this is about.." Loki sighed. "Ah, whatever," he mumbled.

Once Lucy made it past the double doors to the dining hall, Natsu waved her over. She grinned as childish warmth filled her, walking to the table.

"Hi guys," she greeted, looking around. She received morning greetings from everyone except Levy. She was biting her nails.

"Don't just stand there Lucy, take a seat." Natsu pulled out the chair next to him, patting the seat. Lucy sat down and within a matter of seconds her attention focused on a fractured reality. Aquarius, Sagittarius, Virgo and Scorpio stood behind Erza, who was munching a buttered piece of toast.

"Aren't you going to ask her?" Aquarius asked, folding her arms over her chest and raising an intimidating eyebrow. Sagittarius nodded his head quickly while Virgo clapped her hands together once.

"I vote you ask her right now," she said, the chains around her wrists clinking together.

Natsu was saying something―Lucy wasn't paying any attention―but he quickly shut up when she addressed Erza.

"Erza," Lucy called, drawing the girl's attention away from her food. She raised her eyebrows in curious acknowledgement and wiped away the crumbs that clung to her lips.

"Yeah?"

"Do you.."

"Yes, that's it Princess."

"Do you know how.. how to make my friends happy again?"

Why did Lucy suddenly feel so silly?

"Yes Lucy, make us happy once more."

"What are you talking about?" the redhead asked, furrowing her brows in confusion. Seriously, did this girl even know what was coming out of her mouth half the time?

"You know," Lucy insisted. "Your addiction?"

The blonde paused, her brown irises swimming across the table as she tried to gather her words more firmly. Natsu's eyes had widened at this point, along with Erza's. They both knew exactly what she meant and the self-harmer's stomach knotted up.

"Something about cutting, was it? And.. feeling happy.. I? I don't.." Lucy pursed her lips. "Was that what he said?" she mumbled.

"I mean"―Lucy looked up to Erza, locking eyes―"you know what I mean right? Right? You cut, right? Does it make you happy? Can it make me happy? My friends? That's what Ro―"

"Lucy."

The blonde turned her head to look at Natsu and after a few seconds, a stinging sensation filled her cheek. Her head had shifted slightly so he was no longer in her line of vision, but she could see his slowly descending raised hand from the corner of her eye. After recovering from the shock of the contact, Lucy's hand came up to rest against her hot, prickling skin. A look of hurt disbelief crossed her features.

"Natsu?" she whispered. The sharp sound of the slap rang firmly within her ears still, causing pointless tears to well up in her eyes.

Erza would have became belligerent if the pinkette hadn't stepped in. Her blood was almost boiling, but at the same time, her heart throbbed with a pain she couldn't describe.

"How.. How could you?" Erza murmured. She was pining away; she didn't need this right now, didn't need Lucy's ignorance.

The blonde turned now to look at Erza, still holding her cheek. "How could I what?" The tone Lucy's voice, the sheer innocence that rolled from her body, made Erza's teeth grind. Staring down at the table, Erza's resolve rang throughout her mind. She took a deep breath, relaxed her tense shoulders, and shook her head.

"Nothing. Just, nothing, Lucy. Please just.. Just go away."

Natsu's eyes reflected.. nothing. No anger, no surprise, no sadness. Lucy looked around; all eyes were on her. She felt tinier than a grain of salt.

"Come on Lucy. Let's go back to your room," Natsu said in a low tone, grabbing her arm. She sputtered nonsense that was neither cared for nor acknowledged by the rest of the group at the table. They were fed up and.. disappointed, was it? Even that, Lucy could see it in their faces.

She had done something wrong, and for once, she was recognizing that. She needed to think. She couldn't thinkclearly, couldn't concentrate. Her thoughts were jumbled and muddled and it made her want to cry.

The quick walk back to her room was as silent as deafening space. His grip never faltered, though it wasn't as rough as she imagined it to be. It was gentle, almost like the scolding hand of a mother.

Once in Lucy's room, Natsu closed the door behind himself and grabbed her from behind, wrapping his arms around her frame and crushing her in a hug. He rested his forehead against her shoulder while she tensed.

"I'm so sorry for hitting you Luce," he said against her, listening to the way she swallowed. He was ashamed of himself. He had hit her but.. but she! She needed to watch her mouth.

What a half-assed reason to excuse his actions.

It took her a few moments to come up with a response and even then, all that came out was a quiet, "Yeah." Her faint eyes traveled to the floor.

"I'm so sorry. So sorry. I'm sorry." He apologized over and over until Lucy finally turned around in his arms and returned his hug. she placed her cheek against his head, the sting from his touch no longer clinging to her skin.

"It's okay. It's.. no big deal."

Natsu cringed. How unconvincing.

They pulled away and sat on the bed.

"I just- I just got so angry for Erza, I.." His words died on his lips. Lucy watched as Virgo appeared and sat besides Natsu. She leaned over the boy, lips brushing against cheek as she threaded her fingers through his hair. Lucy watched in mild annoyance.

"You made a mistake earlier, Princess. Apologize," she warned, the sea blue of her irises rebuking Lucy. "You wouldn't want to upset your little Natsu any more, would you? I know how much you treasure him. Give him your forgiveness."

The blonde forced a wan smile.

"It's fine, I forgive you. I'm sorry."

What exactly am I sorry for?

Natsu's head raised, his features quizzical. "What?"

That seemed too easy. Strange. She's never acknowledged her wrongs before.

"Then please apologize to Erza as well."

"Yeah, might as well Lucy," Virgo groaned softly, untangling her fingers and sliding down Natsu's body. She outstretched herself once she settled in his lap.

"Okay," Lucy replied.

"...Also, Lucy. Who told you to say those things, by the way?"

"Huh?"

"Before.. you were saying a person's name before I.. before I slapped you. Whose was it?"

If his assumption was correct, there'd be major problems.

A group of Lucy's friends began to materialize and occupy her room's space. Their attention was locked upon the girl and an unnerving intensity dawned upon her.

"Don't tell him Lucy," Loki said frantically.

"Do not tell him!" Aquarius yelled.

"Don't even think about it!" Taurus yowled.

Why were they making this into such a dilemma? It was alarmingly disorienting.

Virgo shook her head and turned on her back, lifting her left hand to drag her index finger across his chin.

The rest of their communication faded into mumbles and inaudible speech until Natsu's voice cut through them all.

"Don't you trust me?"

Ahhh... trust. Lucy's never been too good at having it. But.. but Natsu.. he..

She did trust him. More than anyone.

She blurted, "I do, I really do!"

Her eyes flashed desperation and when Natsu beamed, her friends' bodies slowly evaporated. They left sparkling golden dust floating in their wake.

They departed from the girl running a solo race with her scrambled thoughts.

Why did he have this incredulous effect on her? It was frustrating, more than anything, because she just didn't know. Lucy didn't have the answers to this.

"It was Rogue. He told me to ask Erza. He.. he said whatever she was doing would work. She.. Erza's happy, isn't she? Natsu?"

His heart managed to free fall within his chest. "No!" he barked in astonishment. "Erza isn't happy and what she does only makes it worse. What he said isn't true." The male bit his lip. Things finally made sense now, at least, somewhat. She was being manipulated, he could tell that much from just the few clues he received. Was Rogue deliberately tryingto screw her up even more!?

It was just one thing after another at this fucking hospital, and Natsu was growing tired of it. Couldn't.. Couldn't everybody just have a smooth recovery? There had to be a way, any way.

But that was just Natsu thinking with unrealistic hope.

"You understand don't you? Nothing good can come from it. I want you to promiseme you'll never do something like that."

"Okay. I promise."

The male frowned. "How are you talking to Rogue, anyway? We aren't allowed on the Special Containment floor and they can't have any contact with us."

The blonde downcast her gaze, mentally screaming at herself. If she were to talk anymore, he could- Rogue could..

"I don't want to tell you," she answered.

"Don't want to tell me?" he repeated. Seriously, this girl! He'd get nowhere if she kept this shit up. He groaned soundlessly.

"Those patients up there are.. dangerous. He could hurt you, Lucy. You know? There's a reason they're isolated from everyone else. I don't want you going up there anymore. Please. Don't meet with Rogue. Don't talk to him."

Lucy didn't answer but kept tight-lipped as if contemplating his words.

There was a long pause before he spoke again. "You want your friends to be happy, don't you?" She nodded. "They can't be happy if you're not." He paused. "Are you?"

She's heard the word thrown around many times since she's been at Fairy Institution. Lucy couldn't wrap her understanding around the word happy. What did it mean? What did having happiness truly mean? No, what did it actually mean to her? How often did she experience 'happy'? She didn't know. She didn't want to think about it. That would mean digging into her memories to search, and that was the last thing the girl wanted to do. She remained silent.

If Rogue could be wrongly manipulative, then Natsu would do everything within his power to manipulate her into the right.

"You gotta find something you like doing or.. someone you enjoy being with. That's what I think the basis of happiness is, anyways."

Lucy wanted to interrupt and say she enjoyed being with him and ask what else there was, but didn't.

He ran a hand through his hair. "Can you do that?" Lucy caught the insides of her cheeks with her molars, biting down softly.

"I might."

"I'll help you. I promise I will but you have to help too."

It was impossible. Erza couldn't do it. She couldn't, didn't want to bother with facing Lucy. It wasn't that the red-haired patient was angry or even pissed off, because she wasn't. Her anger had died earlier in the day, quite immediately after Natsu removed the blonde from the dining hall. Now, Erza was left as her usual self: an empty vessel. She felt just the tiniest of pinches on her heart.

What Lucy said opened Erza's eyes to the reality of it all that she, for so long, ignored blatantly. Cutting herself did not make her happy; it merely served as a relief. Just as a relief. It didn't help anything in the long run, only sufficed calming her down for the moment. It did nothing for her long-term happiness, and that was what she was ultimately aiming for. She wanted piece of mind that would last.

Couldn't she find a different way to cope if she thought that way, then? A different way to relieve herself from her repressed emotions?

She's tried that before. It was like.. if she set her mind to harming herself, there was no way she'd be able to distract herself or stop until she was satisfied. It's just how her mind functioned, doing more physical and mental harm than she'd ever care fix. It ate away at her, gnawing at her until she was reduced to an emotionally unstable suicidal mess.

She thought about it all the time, dying that is. How could someone with her past... not? Her thoughts were pernicious and though she tried to prevent more from tainting her, it was an impossible feat. She was cursed with the inability to move on. She was trapped in the could have been's and the what if's, and being stuck in her past was fucking eating her alive.

Her counselors told her what she already knew.

"You need to stop holding on," one had said.

"You can't move forward if you've planted your feet into the ground," another'd say.

"I'll help you learn to accept yourself," her previous counselor had promised. They spouted the same idea just worded differently. However, one of them understood.

She had someone so great, so wonderful and considerate as Jellal Fernandes, and she ruined it. All because she was insecure. That's all it was. But it had blown up into so much more. It had been mistake after mistake, chance after chance not taken. A friend's life she couldn't save.

Jellal had been there for her, loved her. She had someone who was there, who had helped her with every fiber of his being. She still chose to push him away and degrade herself, mark up her body and think in some of the darkest ways possible. Erza's mind had been so contaminated with depression that she thought she had nowhere left to turn other than a noose. She was so foolish, so unappreciative, so blind. It was how she ultimately ended up in this mental hospital: a trip to the emergency room for a cut that was too deep and three failed suicide attempts. Jellal had convinced her, had said that she neededto heal before anything. Her well-being came first, and admitting her was their last resort. He said he didn't want to lose her, that he wouldn't know what to do if she was gone.

But that was months ago and she knew he'd continue to live if she were no longer alive. Erza had her new suicide attempt planned out. She didn't have a specific date, yet she knew it'd be soon. This stupid fucking hospital and these stupid fucking nurses weren't helping. In her mind, they only made things worse.

Truthfully, the girl knew it was her own fault. She didn't want help. She didn't want to let go of the past. She was scared, so she rejected any form of help. And now, she dug herself a hole so deep that she was sure it would be impossible to climb out of.

She decided that, above anything else, suicide was her only way to get out of that hole. That resolve chained her in place and she made no attempt to break free.

Erza wouldn't tell anyone, she wouldn't write a note, she wouldn't have any regrets. She swore it. Her friends weren't coming back to her, her boyfriend probably moved on, and her skin couldn't revert back to its former glory. She'd be stuck with her scars for the rest of her life.

And her friends at Fairy Institution? Well.. they would get over it.

She knew it wouldn't take long before she completely snapped.

"Erza," Lucy called for the millionth time, standing outside of said patient's door. Erza stared up to her ceiling.

"Lucy," she groaned, "what do you want?"

"I want... I want to talk to you."

God, this girl. Erza rolled her eyes and sat up from her bed, keeping her newly washed sheets over her knees. If she didn't answer, Lucy, as persistent as she was, would have probably stayed beside her door all day. Sighing, she said, "Come in."

An uneasy feeling bubbled within the pit of Lucy's stomach as she sat down beside Erza. She pushed a bang behind her ear, clearing her throat.

After a lengthy silence, she quietly said, "I umm.. I just want to say that... that I was sorry."

The redhead raised an eyebrow and scratched at her wrist. Her brown eyes watched Lucy search for words.

"I.. crossed the line earlier and I'm sorry, Erza."

The duo made eye contact, and any negative thoughts Erza held towards the schizophrenic faded. Erza smiled kindly, pity dispersing over her response.

"Okay Lucy. Thank you."

Erza would have looked more surprised if the girl's big, brown irises weren't staring at her. "It's okay, really," she clarified, and Lucy let out a small breath.

"Oh good," she sighed as if a twenty pound weight had been taken off her shoulders.

What Erza didn't know was that Lucy didn't apologize for her own sake. Lucy apologized for Natsu and her friends' sake. They would have been angry with her if she didn't say anything, they had made clear. She didn't want them to be mad so here she was, relieved.

"I'm glad," Lucy stated, a pleasant glint in her eyes. She stood up and made her way to the doorway, turning back to say a quick goodbye, leaving Erza to herself once more.

Erza heaved a large sigh as her door slammed shut. She laid back down and curled herself into a ball. This was exhausting.

A/N: Okay, first things first: Thank you all sooo much! Thank you for over 100 followers and thank you for the wonderful feedback and regards! I too, along with many of you from what you've said, enjoy depressing chapters/stories. So... I could come up with a few plans for where I could go with this. I could make it a bit more dramatic and put the character's through some anguish, but it all depends on what you guys want from this fic. Or, I can simply continue on this path and lead the patients onto their rocky road to proper recovery, though the end will come a little quicker.

Please, let me know, and tell me what you want from this story and I will do my best to fulfill your wishes!

As always, your reviews put me in a better mood. I am so so pleased with the reaction this story is getting; I'm proud.