Chapter Ten

When Steven arrived back home, his room was empty. No Dad, no Lion, no anybody.

He was glad. No, not glad, relieved. If they were there, he'd have to explain what had just happened, and he wasn't even sure how to start. How could he tell them that their mission had failed? That he'd nearly gotten Pearl's mind zapped by a giant spider? That they had thought they'd found a way to get the Gems' memories back, but that it hadn't worked, and that it now seemed as though their memories were gone for good?

That the Gems all hated him now?

"It's not my fault," he said again, in a quiet voice, almost as though he was trying to convince himself. The words came our hoarse. He was crying in earnest, now; he'd given up trying to hold the tears back about halfway through the warp ride home.

When he'd fled the Dome, Steven hadn't actually been sure he wanted to go home. He'd simply gone there on instinct. However, when he'd been standing on that warp pad it had occurred to him that he didn't need to go back to the Temple. If he wanted, he could go anywhere. Even now, he still had that choice.

It was appealing. It really was. Eventually, the Gems would have to return, and he really didn't feel like seeing them when they did.

But at the moment, he didn't care much about 'eventually'. He couldn't muster up the energy. Right then, he just wanted to sleep.

He dragged himself across the room, up the stairs, and collapsed onto his unmade bed. It was still sunny out, probably not even afternoon yet, but Steven didn't care. He'd hardly slept at all the previous night. After Amethyst had run out while they were making dinner, he'd felt terrible and restless- he hadn't know what he'd done wrong, to make her suddenly look so horrified. He'd forced himself to finish cooking the mini-pizzas, and then to eat them, even though it had felt like he was swallowing wet cardboard. He had made himself get into pyjamas, and brush his teeth, like he did every night. But even though it had been super late by that point, when he'd finally gotten into bed, he'd just found himself tossing and turning, unable to sleep. He'd just kept thinking about the Crystal Gems, worrying and wondering, until he'd realized he had to do something to try to help them. He'd gotten out of bed, and buzzed busily around the room, collecting anything that he thought my jog his friends' memories; toys, photographs, gifts...

None of it had worked. Whatever had affected the Gems', it seemed that it couldn't be fixed by a simple stroll down memory lane. But even after Garnet had gone back into the Temple (without even saying goodnight), he'd still hadn't been able to fall asleep. Instead, he'd merely laid there, eyes wide open.

He'd stayed like that until Dad had arrived in the morning, with that kind of forced supportive, cheery attitude that Steven was becoming better and better at recognizing. And knowing how difficult all this was for him, Steven had done his best to smile in return. He had hidden his exhaustion, didn't say a thing about what had happened after Greg had left the previous night, and poured himself breakfast as usual. He kept that same cheerfulness up when the Crystal Gems had emerged from the Temple to announce their plan.

And really, this whole day, he hadn't felt tired at all. In so many ways, everything had seemed like one of their usual adventures; exploring ancient ruins, solving puzzles, fighting monsters... Between the stress and the thrill of the mission, it had been easy for the young boy to push everything out of his mind and focus on the matter at hand.

But stress and adrenaline can only carry a body so far before it crashes.

Now that crash had hit, hard, and there was nothing Steven could do to fight it. He only had enough energy left to fall onto the bed and wrap himself in the duvet to block out the sunlight. Still sniffling, he closed his eyes, and drifted off into an uneasy, uncomfortable sleep...

It was not a restful slumber. Steven slipped into one of those places between true sleep and wakefulness, where thought and dreams drifted together, intertwining in strange ways. He thought of Pearl, pointing an accusing finger at him, calling him a 'human'- and suddenly, Pearl was replaced by Peridot, her face sneering down at him from the giant monitor in the depths of the Kindergarten...Amethyst pulling her way out of a hole shaped just like her, along with hundreds of other Gems, who were nothing but strange, vague shadows in his imagination...

...those shadows warped and twisted, taking on on depth, resolving themselves into familiar shapes...one was a giant puffer-fish, surrounded by a terrible wailing storm which threatened to blow everything away. Another was a huge glowing worm, chasing after him through dark waters. Then there was a large, serpentine creature, with segmented legs, a pair of pincers for a tail, and a mane of white hair...

...but it wasn't a monster at all, just the centipeetle, tiny and scared, the light draining out of it's Gem as it's body was destroyed...

...Steven sat on the ground, it's spherical green Gem cupped in his hands. He'd willed it to regenerate. It hadn't. Instead, it had just suddenly vanished, leaving the boy holding nothing but air. He turned to the Gems for comfort; but the cave he was sitting it was completely empty. The others had left him, and in the distance, he could hear their whispers and the creaking of floorboards as they walked away.

Then even the walls of the cave seemed to vanish, melting away, leaving behind only the the vastness of space, huge and black, dotted by distant stars, Warp Steams all around him. He was so, so cold. And now, even the Warp Streams were disappearing, those brilliant pillars of light flickering out of existence. That darkness seems even more immense, and he was no longer floating at all; he was falling, falling, too scared to even scream.

There was a gentle pop, and before him appeared a tiny pink whale. It asked him, in a calm voice, "What do you want, Steven?"

"I want to be back with the Gems!" he cried, reaching out and hugging whale, which was suddenly much larger than he remembered it...

And a lot more solid.

Steven was aware, in a vague, distant way, that it hadn't been like this last time; that the whale had vanished into a puff of clouds in his arms. It didn't this time, and he didn't care: he just held on, thankful for it's reassuring warmth.

And slowly, Steven's mind drifted back into consciousness. But even as his shallow sleep evaporated and the world began to resolve, still he heard that whispering, and still he felt his arms wrapped around something soft and warm.

He lay there, blurry and confused, before opening his eyes. He couldn't see anything; his face was pressed right against something dark in colour. Tied up in his duvet which now felt like a net, he struggled to move backwards enough to get a good look at what he was seeing. It was some sort of greyish fabric...although it had this darker patch shaped like a.. like a star.

- He threw himself backwards with a strangled little squeak when his sleepy mind finally managed to put it together. He'd been hugging Amethyst.

"Hey, hey," Amethyst said, reaching out a hand like someone might do to a frightened animal. "It's okay."

He stared at her, blinking. "Amethyst?"

"Yeah. Hey."

He was still staring, trying to put things together- trying to understand why she was sitting on his bed, and how long he'd been asleep, and why she'd let him hug her, when before she hadn't even- well-

He heard voices from the floor below.

"What's that? Is he awake?" Pearl hissed in that kind of whisper a person uses when they want to both be heard and not heard at the same time.

"Yeah, he's up," Amethyst called back, in a farm more regular tone. Not that much more regular, however. She still hadn't taken her eyes away from the boy, and was wearing this sort of concerned frown which looked very out-of-place on her face.

"I- what-" Steven stuttered, not even sure where to start.

"It's okay," the Gem repeated. "I'm not gonna- freak out, or anything. I remember. We remember."

"What?" Finally feeling properly awake, Steven managed to disentangle himself from the covers, fell clumsily off the bed, and crawled over to the ledge. He stared down at the other two Crystal Gems, who were in turn staring up worriedly at him. "Really?"

"Yes," Pearl said. Besides her, Garnet nodded.

He turned to look back at Amethyst. "But..how? We poofed that monster, and it didn't do anything... Was there like, a delay, or something?"

The Crystal Gems explained that they had realized that the monster they'd thought had not been Obsidian at all, and that their memories had returned when they had found and defeated their true target. Or rather, Garnet and Amethyst did. Pearl, usually the first to jump at the chance to provide explanations, was being uncharacteristically quiet. She'd twined one of her arms around Garnet's, like she so often did when nervous or stressed. In the other hand she was carrying a steaming mug which she was holding to her chest almost like a shield.

"So- it really worked?" Steven asked, once their story was complete. "You guys really remember everything?"

"Yes," Garnet confirmed.

The boy's face split into a wide grin. He turned back to Amethyst, wrapped his arms around her and giving her a proper, intentional hug. The Gem hesitated for a moment, then hugged back. It was nice and comforting, but not nearly as firm as the crushing hugs that Amethyst usually gave. Steven broke out of it quickly, and went bounding down the stairs, moving to give celebratory cuddles to the other two.

When he arrived on the ground floor and headed towards them, however, Pearl grimaced. Garnet didn't, but it was still enough to make Steven hesitate. Instead of moving in for the intended hug, found himself hovering awkwardly in place, unsure of what to do.

The boy rallied quickly- or at least he tried to. "This is great! I'm really, really glad you're all okay-" he broke off, then brightened when a new course of action occurred to him. "Oh! I should go tell Dad! He'll be super happy!"

He spun around and began to head for the door at a walk which was just a little too brisk to be normal.

"Steven," Garnet said. It was enough to stop the boy in his tracks. He looked back over his shoulder, smile faltering.

"We need to talk," Garnet said simply. Steven opened his mouth to protest, but there was no room in her tone for argument.

In less than a minute, all the Gems- including the half human one- were sitting on the couch together. The tension was palpable. Amethyst was draped across the cushions in her usual sprawl, but she wasn't at all relaxed or comfortable. It wasn't hard to miss the way she was staring at the coffee table with an intensity which suggested that it was the most fascinating thing she'd ever seen. Pearl, like always, sat with perfect posture; legs crossed, back ram-rod straight. However, there was a tension in the way she held herself which was normally lacking. She still was still carrying the mug, but she looked as though she wasn't quite sure what to do with it. After a moment of deliberation, she passed it to Steven, who was sitting cross-legged between her and Amethyst. "For you," she said, quickly.

The boy took the mug, sniffed at it's contents, then took a sip. It was hot chocolate. Warm and sweet, with the subtle flavours and cinnamon, vanilla and nutmeg, it was obvious that Pearl was the one who had prepared it. While Amethyst and Garnet both lacked the patience to do anything more than heating milk and mixing in chocolate powder (and Amethyst sometimes just eating the powder herself), Pearl had always enjoyed the methods of cooking and the methodical measuring of ingredients, even if she disliked eating food herself. Steven took a longer sip, then smiled at her. Her shoulders stiffened even further. Steven looked away.

Garnet, who had called this discussion, now seemed to be struggling with how to start it. Finally, though, she asked, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he said. "Yeah, I'm fine."

The three aliens looked at one another. They were not convinced in the slightest.

"We made you cry," Garnet said, in a deceptively mild voice.

The child fidgeted. "Yeah, well-"

"Don't lie," Pearl said abruptly, leaning forward, nails biting into her knees. "I was the one who made Steven cry. He saved- well, not- or rather-andI-"

She choked on the words, shaking her head furiously. Steven sat frozen, unsure if he should try and comfort her.

"It wasn't just you," Amethyst said. "It's not like I was a whole lot of help, either."

"Neither was I." Garnet shifted, adjusting her visor. She did not take it off, but Steven knew she was now looking directly at him. "We all treated you very badly. I'm sorry."

The other Gems murmured their agreements, Amethyst half-hiding behind her hair, Pearl looking like she was barely supressing tears. Steven stared down into his mug of cocoa. Hours ago, when he'd fled from the Dome of Knowledge, he'd wanted nothing more than the Gems to say that, and to have their memories restored. Then, he thought, everything would go back to normal. But it hadn't been that simple, of course. Now Steven was floundering as he considered what to say.

"It's okay," he said at last. "It's really...I mean, I know you guys couldn't remember me and stuff, so it's not really your fault. And anyway, you were kind of right. Mom would still be around, if it wasn't for me..."

Amethyst winced. Pearl's eyes went very wide. Garnet leaned forward. "Steven..."

"It's true," Steven said. He leaned forward himself, looking Garnet directly in the face, almost challenging her or any of the others to disagree. "Mom died- or whatever- so I could be born."

There was a pregnant pause.

"You've been thinking about this for a while, haven't you, Steven?" Pearl asked, in a quiet voice.

"Well. Yeah." Steven could tell from her expression that she was thinking of that night, on the strawberry battlefields, where they'd sat on a floating platform, and it had been as though a ghost of Rose Quartz had stood before them. But honestly, Steven had been wondering about this all long before that, ever since he'd first found the strange pink world in Lion's mane, and watched the video his mother had left him.

He'd never told the Gems about that message. It had felt special, meant just for him. Even though he'd shared it with Sadie, and later Connie, something had stopped him from telling his family. He could feel, deep in his gut, that right now wouldn't be the right time to mention it, either.

"It's just," Steven continued, after a moment. "I know that you all loved my mom a lot, and that you really miss her. And that you must wish that she was here instead of me..."

He hadn't meant for those last words to come out He hadn't planned them, or intended them, or even really realized he was saying them until they were already out.

"Don't say that!" Amethyst and Pearl cried in unison, too shocked to even notice that they'd done so.

'Why not? It's true,' some part of Steven thought mulishly. But he didn't say that. He just stared at them. Dimly, he realized he'd begun to tear up again.

Pearl managed to produce a tissue from somewhere, and dabbed at his face, rubbing away his tears with an odd mixture of tenderness and ferocity. "Oh, Steven," she sighed. "I'm sorry- I'm sorry that I would ever make you think that-...You're so sweet, and kind, and brave..."

"And funny," added Amethyst. "If it wasn't for you, I'd probably die of boredom. And also have, like, literally died. Or gotten shipped to the Homeworld, which would have been basically the same thing."

Steven looked at her sidelong. It was true that he'd helped save them from the giant hand ship, but that wasn't anything special. "But my mom could have-"

"No, Amethyst is right," Pearl said, and she hardly even frowned in distaste as those words passed her lips. "Rose Quartz was a wonderful warrior, but she was also a Gem. There probably wouldn't have been much she could have done against Jasper's advanced technology. It was your unique nature which saved us."

Those words sent some sort of warmth flooding through Steven's chest.

That warmth was hardly enough to erase all his doubts, but Garnet seemed to sense that, and addressed them. "It's not just all of that," she told him, wearing certainty like a cape. "It's true that we all loved Rose a great deal, and we wish she were still here. But love is not a competition. Wealso love you, Steven. We love you so, so much. And the thought of losing you, for any reason..."

She didn't continue, but then, she didn't need to. Steven smiled at Garnet, and at Amethyst, and Pearl, and he said, "I love you guys too."

He still had concerns. And questions. Questions about his mother, and about the Homeworld, and about the rebellion, and what they were going to have to do now. But all of that could wait for another time. For now, he was content to put his mug down, open his arms wide open and ask, "Group hug?"

"Aww you," Amethyst groaned, giving the boy a playful noogie which quickly transformed into the suggested hug. Pearl by-passed such rough-housing, of course, but this time there was no hesitancy when she wrapped her arms around him, and held him close. A moment later, Garnet joined, taking all three of the Gems in her arms and squeezing tight. They sat like that, warm and secure and together, for a long time.

Finally, Steven began to squirm as he ran out of air. The embrace broke-apart, though none of them really went to move away. Amethyst even left an arm slung over Steven's shoulder, and Pearl was not-so-subtly looking the boy over from head-to-toe, checking to make sure he really wasalright. Apparently, he didn't completely pass muster.

"Your shirt," Pearl said, in that brisk tone of someone's who's secretly pleased to be able to change the subject, "is filthy. It's covered in mud and that horrible glue. Let's get you out of it this instant."

The Gem tugged at it, pulling it off by the collar; usually Steven would have protested, being quite capable of taking off his own shirts, after-all, but right now he let her fuss. "Oh, just look at this!" she bemoaned, holding the ruined shirt to her critical eye. "I don't know if I'll ever get this out! Bleach definitely won't do it, but I wonder if I might have a few solvents tucked away which will do the trick...

"Oh, and you're a mess too!" Pearl exclaimed, turning her eye back to the boy. "Shower time, right now."

Well, Steven still had some dignity. "Aww, Pearl, c'mon..."

"Shower," Pearl insisted.

"But I had one yesterday morning!"

"Yeah, come on, Pearl," Amethyst said, pulling the boy closer. "What's wrong with a little dirt?"

This prompted a lecture from Pearl explaining what, exactly, was wrong with a little dirt- a lecture which included keywords such as 'bacteria' and 'viruses' and 'objectively terrible smell'.

"Are you saying that I smell bad?" Amethyst growled, picking up on the subtext.

"I was referring specifically to humans," Pearl said primly. "Although, in your case, I doubt that some lemon-mint shampoo would hurt."

Discreetly, Steven began to inch away while they distracted. He was stopped by a hand on her shoulder. "Enough," Garnet said, cutting through the arguments. "Steven, go shower. You'll feel better. "

That was that. The boy moaned, and made a show of dragging his feet as he made his way to the bathroom. But secretly, he was smiling.

This was nice.

oOoOoOo

Author's Note: Incoming Steven Bomb...and incoming epilogue!