A/N: Thanks for your patience. Here is the latest chapter. Thanks again for all the support and reviews. Hope you enjoy. Errors are still mine. No beta as of yet. :)
Payment
Cinna is from heaven, I'm certain. Finnick must have told him about what happened to me last night because the moment he gets to the house he shoos me into the bathroom and runs me a bath, dumping the contents of a package into the steaming water. I'm grateful to them both that i don't have to talk about what happened to me. I'd rather forget it, even though I know it's not really possible.
As I slink down into the water, i can't help the moan that escapes my mouth. It's heavenly. The burning in my backside eases almost instantly, and i can feel a warm tingle spreading through my body, especially my aching thighs.
"What is that?" I ask, my eyes nearly rolling back into my head.
"Medication," Cinna answers, but his voice is strained. I look up at him and furrow my brow in confusion.
"This is so wrong," he finally says, pain etched across his face.
"Aren't you used to this by now?" I ask, though, when his face reflects hurt, I immediately regret it. I didn't mean it how it sounded. I just assumed that being a Capitolite he'd be used to dealing with this kind of thing. Especially as a stylist to the Hunger Games.
"How can one every get used to this?" he finally says. "Besides, you are my first tribute, and as such my first experience with this sort of...thing. I can assure you, not all Capitol families are as excessive as the circles surrounding Snow."
I nod. "I'm sorry, Cinna. I didn't mean to imply..."
He smiles and shakes his head. "I know," he says. "Wash up and then we'll have lunch." He leaves me alone and I bask the the glorious comfort of this magical bath. I've needed this. Weeks of constant sex take a toll on anybody, I'm sure. When you are an unwilling party it only makes things worse.
When I am done, I dress quickly and join Cinna and Finnick in the kitchen. They look like they are deep in discussion, but immediately stop talking when I enter the room. "What's up?" I ask, feeling the prickly sensation associated with paranoia that people are talking about you. I hate that feeling.
"Nothing," Finnick says with a smile. "Just filling Cinna in on his babysitting duties for when I leave."
I roll my eyes at him. "I don't need a baby sitter. I'm fine."
"Oh yes," Finnick nods with mock seriousness. "Just fine. Not a care in the world. Of course."
I sigh at him but can't help but smirk. If there is one thing Finnick has done for me over the last three weeks, it's teach me to relax. I have enough stress and pressure with my new duties, I needn't apply that to every aspect of my life. Besides, if I dwelled on everything, I'd drive myself nuts. It is actually nice to have this meaningless and silly back and forth with him.
"It's not babysitting, Katniss," Cinna assures me with his constantly gentle and calming voice. "I want to be here for you."
"I know," I say. "I just...I feel weak when you both treat me like I can't do this on my own."
"Katniss, I couldn't do this on my own," Finnick says seriously. "When I came into this lifestyle, I had someone to help me. And we would go nuts if we didn't have someone. You know it. If that's weakness, I'm weak too."
"Finnick's right," Cinna assures me. "I can't imagine going through any of this. I'd be a wreck. By my estimation, you are handling everything with strength I'd never have."
I know they mean to cheer me up, but the thoughts of last night are creeping in and I don't want to succumb to them. "Let's eat," I say with a weak smile. They readily agree.
I hate being tied up. I don't feel in control. Of course, I'm not in control. I'm never in control with these men. But physical freedom at least gives me the illusion. Being tied up like this, he could do anything to me.
But he doesn't touch me. He gets close, but never does. Raff is a bit of a weirdo, if I'm honest. I mean, more of a weirdo than most who pay for a night with me. For one, he didn't take me to any parties. He didn't show me off. He picked me up and took me directly to his Mansion.
I've picked up enough signals to know he wants me to treat him like I'm his girlfriend. It's awkward for me. I don't even know how to be overly affectionate with Peeta yet. But I do my best. I talk to him as if he's my boyfriend and I even touch him lightly, though he shies away from my touches. Fine with me, but I don't understand it. He's slow to talk and very nervous. He seems incredibly awkward. Even more so than I am.
After a few glasses of wine and an offered snort of some sort of drug I've never heard of but decline, he leads me upstairs where he asks me politely to undress and lie on the bed. The only time I feel his hands on me are when he ties me to the posts, both hands over my head, both legs spread wide. I blush in embarrassment, but comply. I just hope he doesn't rape and murder me.
He steps back from the bed, and just leers at me. I go to my happy place, trying to ignore the labored breathing of the man in front of me as he takes off his clothes climbs onto the bed and in between my legs. Here it comes. My heart is pounding but I'm still trying to cling to me delusion of happiness with Peeta in my head.
Still, he doesn't touch me. "Beautiful..." he mutters as he takes his cock in hand and beings to pump. I keep eye contact. I've been told this is very important. Finnick says they can become enraged if they think you are not engaged. Instead of looking at his eyes, I look at a spot on his forehead as he grunts and jerks himself off in front of me.
This is so strange, but I guess I should be grateful that he's not fucking me. Not touching me. Not making me want to scratch my skin off until I'm clean. Not that I'm happy with this either. It's bizarre and I don't like it. Perhaps if Peeta did it... Then it might be hot. Then it might get me wet. Then I might touch myself too while he watches. But this is not Peeta. It's a very strange, very socially awkward stranger. And he's leering at me like I'm a porn magazine.
"Katniss..." he hisses as his cock twitches and his come lands all over my hips and stomach. I control the urge to turn up my nose in disgust and wait for him to move from the bed. It takes him a long moment to catch his breath. He unties me almost immediately and I can see shamed etched on his face. I'm floored.
"Thank you," he says, and he's the first one to say anything but "Get out" afterward. "I have this for you," he says, pulling a robe around him and going to the bedside table. Opening the door he pulls out a box.
"I know these are very hard to come by in the Districts," he says as he hands it to me. "Please find use for it." He smiles warmly at me, and I'm overwhelmed. I have no idea how to deal with a situation like this. When they are rude and dismissive, I can simply continue to hate them. It's actually easier. But this man...something about him tells me he paid for me because he has deluded himself into believing that I'm something special...not just a Capitol toy. I don't think he could bring himself to fuck me for pay. As I look at the box, I see it has the symbol for medical supplies used here at the Capitol and I'm shocked. Of all 'payments' this is the best one I could get.
"Thank you," I choke out, sliding from the bed to dress. "This will help so many people." i don't know what's inside it, but I do know my mother and Prim will find use for it. A month ago, the thought of taking anything from a man who'd paid for my services would have abhorred me. Now...it will help people, and that's all that matters to me.
He smiles warmly at me, and I finish getting dressed, picking up the box. He opens his mouth to say something else but he doesn't. I smile awkwardly and take my leave. My mind is a jumble of confusion. I feel dirty and wrong still. This man was not Peeta and he still bought me, like an object. But I have empathy for him. There is something about him that tells me he has no idea how to be around women in any normal way, and I find myself wondering what happened to him to make him that way.
That, of course, leads to confusion about why I care? Have I become so used to this in just four weeks that I can easily get past the fact that he just jerked off by using my body as a masturbatory aid simply because he's an awkward person?
But he wants to help me and the people of my district? Why? My impression of Capitol people has both gotten worse and better as I realize not everyone in the Capitol is how I envisioned. Some are much worse and some are totally different. Almost like me, though they've never had to worry about starving.
In the car, I open the box and gasp when I see what's inside. At least one-hundred tiny doses of the medication Peeta received in the arena. That is a hundred people in District 12 saved from preventable death. I feel tears sting my eyes and I decide, tonight, just tonight, what I was forced to do will bring some good to people.
It's lonely. I knew it would be. But thankfully I'm done. For this trip at least. I'm on the train home. Finnick's absence has been overwhelming. Cinna did what he could, and was always there when I got home. I have a feeling Finnick told him I'd need him. As much as I hate pity, I've needed Cinna. Not all clients are as innocuous as Raff.
My body aches, and all I want to do is sleep for a week. When I get home, I'm showering, getting in bed and shutting out the world for 24 straight hours. I make this vow to myself knowing it probably will not go that way. But I can dream.
My stomach fills with butterflies as the train approaches District 12. It's the middle of the night again. My trains will probably always be late at night. Perfect for the kind of person I am now. A woman of the night. A whore. I shake the thought from my head. Not not. Now I just want to go home. I want to see Peeta. I want to see my family. And I want to burrow in my place of denial just for a little longer. The world can attack tomorrow.
I get off the train with only the clothes on my back, and my precious box of medical supplies. I take several deep breaths before entering my house in the Victor's Village, and I'm surprised to see Mother has allowed Prim to stay up and wait for me. I smile brightly at them both. I've honestly missed them. I just hadn't let myself succumb to the emotions of it while I was away.
"Oh we've missed you!" Prim cries, wrapping both arms around me. I chuckle and hug her back, pulling her hard to me and breathing in the smell of her.
"I've missed you too, little Duck," I say. And I really have. I've missed my sister so much. This is the longest time we've spend away from each other since she was born.
"How are you?" My mother asks, her tone betraying her worry. I wonder if she knows or suspects anything? Did she stay away from the media? Did Gale talk to her? I really can't tell. She's always had a good poker face.
"I'm fine," I say, trying my best to smile genuinely.
She eyes me skeptically, and I can tell she's got a million questions, most of which I'll probably never be able to answer. I just hope she knows tonight is not the time for any of them.
"You look older," she observes.
"It's only been a bit over a month," I say with an awkward laugh. God, I feel older. I feel ancient. In the last month I feel like I've aged 50 years.
She smiles then and wraps and arm around me. "Let's get off to bed," she finally says. "We can catch up in the morning."
"Okay," I say biting my lip. She'd not going to like this, but at the moment, I don't care. "I'm going to stay the night with Peeta," i inform her, hoping she doesn't dare stop me. He promised to wait up for me, and I need him. For now, it's a battle worth fighting with her.
She looks like she wants to protest, but thinks better of it and nods. "Okay. Come home for breakfast, though. Both of you," she says with a strained smile. I agree and kiss her on the cheek before bending down to kiss Prim on the lips. Prim hugs me tight again and I start to feel like the Capitol is far away again.
"I'll see you in the morning," I promise.
When they head off to bed I lay the medical box on the kitchen counter and nearly sprint from the house and down the steps to Peeta's place. I bang on the door, and hope he's not fallen asleep. It takes only seconds for the door to swing open and I can't help it, when I see him standing before me, I burst into tears. The man who's memory got me through the worst weeks of my life is there, in the flesh and I'm so overwhelmed I don't even know what to say.
"Katniss, are you okay?" he asks pulling me into him.
I nod, but I can't get words to come out of my mouth. "I am now," I finally say through my sobs of relief. He pulls me into the house and holds me tight all the way up to his room where he sits on the bed with me in his arms until I'm able to control my emotions. Seeing him is overwhelming. Smelling him is too much. Touching him makes me feel safe. Safe. A feeling I thought I'd lost along with my innocence.
"I missed you," he finally says, and I chuckle and sniffle at the same time. Leave it to him to say something so simple as I have a nervous breakdown in his arms.
"I missed you so much," I say. He cups my face and looks me in the eyes.
"I'm glad you are home." I can't help it, I smile genuinely for the first time in a long time. Home. I am home. And I realize that I only feel home when I'm with him. How did this happen so fast? How did he burrow his way in? I don't know, and frankly, I don't care at the moment.
"Can I use your shower? I want to wash the Capitol off me," I ask.
"Of course," he says loosening his grip on me and moving to the dresser. He pulls out clothes for me and I smile before pecking him on the cheek and making use of his spacious master bathroom.
I take the shortest shower in over a month, wanting to be back in his presence as soon as possible. I let the water calm me and settle into myself. Drying off, my heart starts to race as I consider this he first time in over a month I've prepared to join a man in bed and haven't felt dirty about it. I pull on one of his old teeshirts and a pair of his boxer shorts and join him in his lush bed.
He hits the light and wraps both arms around me. I sigh in contentment. I've got so much to work through mentally, but at least I'm home. "Goodnight, Peeta," i say softly, breathing him in.
"Goodnight, Katniss," he replies. I fall asleep almost instantly.