Spoilers ahead, for those of you who have not yet played through ME1...I know there are a few of you reading!

Progress

"You've seen the visions from the beacon, Shepard. You, of all people, should understand what the reapers are capable of. They cannot be stopped. Do not mire yourself in pointless revolt. Do not sacrifice everything in the name of petty freedoms. The protheans tried to fight and they were utterly destroyed. Trillions dead. But what if they had bowed before the invaders? Would the protheans still exist? Is submission not preferable to extinction?"

Shepard failed to achieve her primary objective on Virmire. Saren escaped and the Normandy lost Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams and three other crew members in the assault. Kathryn thought back to her last conversation with Kaidan and Ashley before sending him off with a team of Captain Kirrahe's men. The salarians would launch a frontal assault on Saren's base of operations; Shepard and her team would infiltrate the base from the back to disable the AA guns, allowing the Normandy to land and deliver the salarian drive core. Coveted to a nuclear device, it would destroy the entire base. It had made more sense to Kathryn to send Ashley to plant the bomb. Kaidan could fight, but he didn't have the same kind of experience as Ashley, who had held her position on Eden Prime on her own. He would have more back up with the salarians.

"Well, this is it. Don't do anything foolish while I'm gone, Ash. That goes for you, too, Commander."

"Don't worry, LT. We'll be fine."

Shepard had been nervous. More and more, this looked like a suicide mission and she realized just how difficult getting involved with a crew member could be. She didn't want to put Kaidan in this position, and didn't want Ashley to be in danger either, but she knew her personal feelings for either one of them were irrelevant. They were marines; they had a job to do. Personal feelings just complicated matters.

Alenko seemed uncomfortable with the idea of working with Kirrahe. "It's just weird going under someone else's command. I've gotten so used to working with you...all of you."

Williams laughed and clapped Alenko on the shoulder. "Don't worry so much. We'll see you on the other side."

"Yeah, I know. I just want to say it's been an honor serving with you, Commander." His eyes searched hers, a sad smile on his lips. This was hard for him, too, which made Kathryn feel even worse.

"It doesn't matter if we're not in the same unit, we're still a team. Watch each other's backs, keep your eyes open, and fight like I know you can. We'll all come out of this in one piece." And you'd better not die on me, Kaidan. This cannot be the last time we see each other.

Kathryn ran over it again and again, wondering if she had let her heart rule her mind. Could she have saved Kirrahe's team and Williams? No, we would all be dead if I had tried to do that. There wasn't enough time. There was little comfort in the fact that Ash was a religious woman and died believing she would be with her maker, or that the Alliance would once again regard the Williams name with some pride.

"I'm activating the nuke."

"What? Chief, what the hell are you doing?"

"Making sure this bomb goes off, no matter what. It's done, Commander. Go get the lieutenant and get the hell out of here!"

"Belay that. We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Williams." Always the gentleman.

She had hesitated only a moment, her mind running through the situation. Alenko was with Captain Kirrahe and the salarians. They had suffered casualties, but many were left. She was closer to their position than that of the bomb site. If she saved them, they could escape the blast radius. If she saved Williams, there would be more casualties and the delay of doubling back might result in damage to the Normandy.

"I'm sorry, Ashley. I-"

"It's all right. It's been an honour, Commander."

"I'm so sorry, Ash."

Kathryn was surprised by the sound of her own voice and looked around her cabin. It was late. She had been working on a message to Ashley's family, but the data pad had shut itself off at some point and her coffee was cold. She was tired, and ached from the beating she had taken over the course of their mission on Virmire, but she couldn't sleep. Thinking a shot of whiskey might help, she looked around for a glass, and finding none, headed to the kitchen.

Alone with her thoughts, she started reconsidering what she was doing with Kaidan. Can I pull back now? Keep it strictly professional? Perhaps. Should I? Probably. Would that change the way I feel? No, but I'm not even really sure what I feel. Would it be better for the crew? Maybe, maybe not. Her eyes began to sting and water. A walk. I could use a walk.

She eventually found herself down in engineering, standing in front of Williams's locker, the empty glass in her hand, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Commander?" She hadn't heard the elevator doors open and started at the sound of Kaidan's voice as it drifted across the room. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

She shook her head, wiping her tears away. "It's okay. Couldn't sleep. I thought I'd get a glass, have some whiskey, but..." She waved her glass at the lockers. "I got the glass, at least."

Kaidan let out a short laugh. "Me too. I was wondering if you'd want a drink."

"Yeah. Let's go to the starboard lounge." She reached out and touched the door to Ashley's locker. "A drink to Ash."

x ~ X ~ x

They stood at the window, staring out at space.

"How are you doing, really?" Kaidan asked.

"I'll be okay, eventually." She shot back the rest of her whiskey. "I...ah...I might have pissed off the council. I hung up on them earlier."

She poured herself a second shot of whiskey. "They read my report about Saren's ship, Sovereign, but they refuse to believe it's a reaper. Even though Liara and Garrus were with me when I talked to Sovereign, the council doesn't believe me. The reapers only exist in my visions. They think Saren's playing me, that he used information from my previous reports about my visions and the reapers, and fabricated the story to string me along. They think I'm fucking crazy."

He looked at her reflection in the window. "We don't."

She nodded."You have no idea how much that means to me right now. Shit, Kaidan. I don't know what to do. Saren, that ship, and the reapers are the real threat here and we can't do a damn thing about it."

Kaidan was about to say something when the intercom system came to life with Joker's voice.

"I forwarded the mission update to the Citadel, Commander. We've got confirmation on those reinforcements. Ambassador Udina wants us to report back to the Citadel. The council is amassing a joint-species fleet to deal with Saren and his geth."

Kathryn's eyes narrowed with suspicion. "Really? That seems like a pretty quick about face, considering how things went earlier." She shook her head. "I hoped they'd come around. Back to the Citadel, Joker. I want the Normandy at the head of that fleet!"

"Yes, ma'am!" Joker replied.

Kathryn turned to Kaidan with a smile. "Udina must have found a way to make them come around. Maybe he's not so bad after all."

She raised her glass. "Here's to tracking down Saren."

"I'll drink to that," he replied, touching his glass to hers.

Kathryn slept soundly the rest of the night, finally feeling as though everything they had been through, and the losses they had suffered, would not be in vain.

A/N: Edit: had to delete a few lines. Got ahead of myself in the plot! The updates will be coming in a bit more slowly now, but I do hope you'll keep reading and reviewing. My thanks to Bioware, gal pals Zevgirl and Zute, reviewers Vanderslice and Pachouli, and to everyone else who's reading and listing this story. Please feel free to review. It's very motivating! Cheers, Biff