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Sniper Buddies – Chekhov's Nose

Setting – Mass Effect 3

"That went well, I think," Shepard commented to Ashley and Garrus as they rode in the Kodiak Shuttle. They had just gotten done with one of the many N7 missions Admiral Hackett habitually sent them on, because it wasn't like Shepard and his crew had anything better to do. Besides, it's not like Hackett literally has hundreds of thousands of N7 operatives ranging in species and skill sets at his disposal whom could get the job done just as well, provided the difficulty has been set to Bronze or Silver.

Now Shepard, Garrus and Ashley were relaxing in the Kodiak as Cortez piloted them back to the Normandy.

"You know, I've been wondering," Ashley prompted. "Cerberus is supposed to be a human splinter group, right? But somehow we're quite possibly mowing down hundreds of Cerberus soldiers on a weekly basis, and there's never a shortage of Cerberus goons for the next mission."

"So where the hell are they getting all of these people to work for them?" Garrus surmised from Ash's train of thought. "Seriously, Cerberus probably has more resources, wealth, and people than moderately sized planets. I think they might even have more troops than the Reapers do."

"Yeah what's up with that?" Shepard asked. "Plus keep in mind we've also encountered two Cerberus groups that actually splintered off from the main Cerberus army. Both of those groups were each large enough to completely occupy a small planet, and yet the Illusive Man still somehow controls an army larger than the entire population of China."

"Maybe the completely logical answer is that Cerberus… oh, hold up a second." Ashley paused for a moment, her features twitching oddly.

"I… huh… Ah-Choo!" She sniffled, wiping the back of her glove over her nose to get the little bits of mucus that had come flying out. "Aw, Christ. But yeah, what I think Cerberus is doing is-"

Ash had been fiddling with her gun while she talked, so she hadn't been watching Shepard and Garrus. However, the sounds of frantic scrambling caught her attention, so Ashley looked up as her words petered off.

Shepard and Garrus were both backed up against the far wall, trying to press themselves even closer to it. Both of them had horrified expressions on their faces, staring at Ashley with their hands clamped over their mouths and noses.

"What?" Ashley asked warily. She glanced around her seat and over her armor, wondering if she'd gotten something on her or if something had followed them onto the Kodiak. But she found nothing, and still the two men were staring at her in terror while trying to stay as far away from her as possible.

"You sneezed," Shepard gasped through his hand.

Ash glanced between him and Garrus. "Yeah? I must have gotten some dust up in there, or something. Why are you two acting so weird?"

"But… but this isn't real life!" Garrus wailed. "It's a FanFiction! Everyone knows no one ever sneezes in books or movies. Not unless they're sick with something really terrible!"

"Yeah, haven't you ever heard of the Chekhov's Gun TV trope?" demanded Shepard.

"I don't even though what that is and it sounds like some scary shit," Garrus chimed in.

Ash stared back them, mouth agape from shock. She knew Shepard and Garrus have always been easily excitable, but this was a whole new level of paranoia. "Are you two actually being serious? People have been sneezing for hundreds of thousands of years. Animals sneeze too. And 99% of the time, it's for perfectly innocent reasons."

She set her gun aside, and the movement caused the two men to jump, further trying to press themselves into the wall.

"Are you two seriously afraid-"

"Stay back!" Shepard yelled when Ashley tried to stand up. Ash scowled but sat back down in her seat. Thinking he was 'safe' for a moment, Shepard brought up his free hand to the one covering his mouth, so he could activate his Omni Tool without leaving his mouth exposed to whatever deadly contagions might be in the air.

The Kodiak was silent as everyone waited for the call to go through. After a moment, Ash heard Doctor Chakwas pick up. "Is there something you need Comma-"

"Code Periwinkle!" Shepard yelled into his Tool. "I repeat: we have a Code Periwinkle, Doctor Chakwas! Williams has been afflicted with some sort of alien contagion. Prep the shuttle bay for quarantine and have medical teams on standby!"

Again the hull was silent as Chakwas digested the information she'd just been given. "I see. Has Miss Williams been displaying any symptoms?"

"She sneezed!" Garrus added in helpfully.

"Ashley… sneezed," Chakwas said skeptically. "Has anything else happened? Is she flushed in the cheeks? Nauseous? Breaking out into a cold sweat?"

"Um…" Shepard took a moment to study Ashley from a distance. "Uh, she looks really angry. Is that a symptom?"

Ash heard the Doctor heave a long sigh on the other end of the connection. "Yes, although it is the symptom of something else entirely, pertaining to being stuck in a small ship with a couple of screwballs. Not the physical ailment variety."

Shepard and Garrus shared a look and seemed to relax a bit. "So… Ash isn't actually dying from a horrible disease?" Garrus asked pitifully.

"No," Chakwas said flatly.

"And we're not going to die because we've been in contact with her?" Shepard asked, giving the fuming Ashley a meek look.

"No. Yet again, Commander, your imagination has gotten the better of you. Garrus as well. Might I suggest you two watch a few less scary movies during your 'brodates'?"

The two of them shared a guilty look and removed their hands from their mouths. Ash leaned back in her seat, arms crossed and still giving them the stink eye.

"Is there something you two would like to say to Miss Williams now?" Chakwas prompted.

The pair were quiet for a moment. Garruss coughed into his fist awkwardly.

"Sorry for… thinking you were about to die and take us with you," Shepard mumbled.

"Yeah, sorry," added Garrus with a small nod.

Ash rolled her eyes. Finally the ship jerked to a stop as it docked back in the cargo bay. She stood up and slapped the door control to finally let her out of the room full of crazy people. Sharing one more guilty look, Garrus and Shepard picked up there things and followed along, tails between their legs.

Meanwhile, the creature living inside of Shepard's chest metaphorically wiped its brow in relief. Who knew Ashley Williams was allergic the chest bursting alien parasites?