Holding it Together

A/N: Okay, first thing I need to clarify since I've gotten a lot of questions about it, Yes, this will be an H/C fic. Now that's settled, pull out tissues, it's time for the tear jerker.

'Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do, But to hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.-Anon.

'Can I open my eyes yet?' Calleigh asked for the tenth time as John guided her.

'Not yet, it's a surprise.'

'Please?' She begged.

'Alright, you can open them.' He removed the blindfold from her eyes. She gasped and put her hand over her mouth. 'Happy anniversary.' He whispered in her ear. She turned around and stared at him with teary eyes.

"Oh John, it's beautiful.' Before them was a romantic moonlit picnic set up on the rooftop of the Aria hotel. John took her hand and led her over to the blanket. Once seated, he poured them both a glass of the champagne that had been chilling.

'To us.' She raised her glass in a toast. He lifted his as well.

'To forever.' She stared at him curiously as he took a sip of the liquor.

'What are you up John Hagen? And don't you dare try to lie to me.' She sassed.

'I wouldn't dream of it.' John took her hand into his and suddenly it all made sense. 'You're beautiful Calleigh Duquesne. And smart and funny and sexy. You have the biggest heart I've ever seen and I just feel so honored to be a part of your life. I love you and I know that I will never find another person as perfect for me as you are. So will do me the honor of becoming my wife?' She stared through teary eyes at a beautiful princess cut diamond set in an antique silver band.

'Yes.' She cried. 'Yes. I would love to be your wife.' Calleigh wiped away her tears as he placed the ring on her finger. The gem glittered in the moonlight as she wiggled her fingers.

'It was my grandmothers' ring. When my mother gave it to me I knew it was fate. You have the same ring size.' He commented as he watched her stare at it. Finally getting over the shock, Calleigh wrapped her arms around him.

'I love you John.'

'I love you too Cal………Cal………..

"Cal….Calleigh!" Calleigh snapped back to reality at the sound of her brother's worried voice. "You okay? You scared me there for a minute." Sam watched his sister carefully. Wherever she had just been was painful. It might not have always been that way, but right now from the look on her face, that memory hurt like hell.

"I'm fine. Just a little disconnected from the meds." She lied. Sam didn't need to know and she didn't want to talk about it, or more, she couldn't talk about it. Not now and maybe not ever.

"Ms. Duquesne?" Calleigh rolled her head towards the door where the nurse was standing. "You have a visitor."

"Who is it?" She prayed it wasn't Horatio. She hadn't seen him since she kicked him out of her room and right now she was still too weak, physically and emotionally, to deal with all of that right now.

"She says her name is Renee Hagen." Horatio suddenly became the least of her worries. "I can send her away if you'd like." The nurse offered.

"No, no send her in." The nurse disappeared again.

"Who is that Cal?" Sam asked. She looked at him sadly.

"My future mother-in-law or at least she was supposed to be." She took a deep breath. She didn't want to do this, but she knew that Renee was hurting as bad, if not worse, than she was.

"I'm going to go get some coffee. I'll be back later." Sam squeezed her hand as he stood. She caught his eye and gave him a painful smile.

"Thanks little brother." She knew it was just an excuse. Sam hated coffee.

As he was leaving the room, Renee entered. With shoulder length reddish-brown hair and soft green eyes, she was a beautiful woman and Calleigh knew that she had the heart to match.

"Hey sweetheart. How are you holding up?" Renee wrapped her arms around her as best she could.

"I'm alive…" Calleigh put her hand over her mouth. "I am so sorry. I can't believe I just said that to you." Renee took Calleigh's other hand and held it tight.

"Now listen to me. Don't you dare feel bad or guilty about the fact that you survived and he didn't. You had no control over that. God decided that it was John's time to go and God decided that you were going to live, alright? It's not your fault." Both women had tears in their eyes as they held each others hands.

"How are you holding it together so well? John was your only son. And yet, here you are, making sure I was alright. How can you handle this so well?" Calleigh couldn't understand why she wasn't falling apart. Her baby boy was suddenly taken away from her and here she was, sitting at her daughter-in-law's bedside, comforting her.

"Honey I hurt. I hurt so bad I can feel it physically. But I also know that I wasn't the only women in his life. And in a way, I was always prepared for this day. I'd been preparing for it from the day he graduated from the academy. And honey I'd go through heaven and hell to get him. I'd sell my soul in a heartbeat to save his. I can rant and rave and yell and scream and beg with every breath in my body but I can't bring him back and I know that. I'm struggling. Mothers shouldn't have to bury their children. It's not the natural way and I pray that you never know how I feel. I will never be okay with the fact that my son is dead, but I'll learn to cope and I'll get through it. And one of the things that will help, is focusing on the living 'cause we're the ones left to carry on." Calleigh was in full fledge sobs at this point. Renee sat down on the edge of her bed and pulled her in close to her. As she held her, she stroked her hair and spoke to her softly like Calleigh's mother had done for her when she was younger. "I don't want you to worry about anything, okay? I'll take care of everything. You just get better."

"Thank you." Calleigh muttered into her shoulder. Renee kissed the top of her head.

"You're welcome, sweetie. You're so very welcome."