Perissology and Accismus

A blanket snaked its way around my shoulders. I clutched the front portion so it couldn't fall off. Chad embedded himself in the free space next to me. We sank into the couch. The snuggling had yet to commence. He slung his arm in the air, reaching towards me. We watched as it made its descent on my waist. Good job chap. You managed to put your arm around me without splitting your pants. You're going to kill me for this.

"Shouldn't the blanket be overtop us? Unless we've suddenly developed powers that allow us to absorb the blanket heat from our butts. Chad, do we have super butts?" I lifted mine off the couch to readjust our seating. Strange, I did feel colder now. That may be due to our distance. No reason to get all hot and bothered over not cuddling. I am allowed to get all hot and bothered when he trips over the bottom of the blanket. That's because he fell into me like a collapsing wall of dominos. I however, had the masterful power to remain standing. Chad isn't that brute.

"For your information, my butt is very callipygian." To prove his point, he bent over and shook it like a milkshake. Mmm, sounds delicious. The milkshake, not Chad. I have the craving for a blackberry milkshake like the ones I used to get in Wisconsin. They picked the berries that morning from the garden and would churn their own ice cream. It was so thick and rich. It would clog the straw if you attempted to drink it. Most of the time I used a spoon to finish it before it melted. Once I did try to use a straw.

"Hey, I'm Theodore. But all my buds call me Theo."

"So should I call you Theo or should I tack the adore on there?"

"It's a bit early for adoration don't cha think? That normally comes after the first date."

"Are you asking me out on a date?"

"I'll pick you up at seven." Theo left the store.

"You don't even know where I live!"

Suffice to say, the date fell short of my expectations. He arrived ten minutes late, plucking a flower from my mom's garden to give me as an apology. The flower lasted longer than our relationship. He propped me up on his handlebars of his bike. I told him I was not going to risk breaking my neck riding like that. He sneered but agreed to walk. I let him order. Digging into his pockets he found two crumbled dollars, a cluster of nickels and dimes and a wad of pocket lint. He insisted that I choose a booth by the window and he'd bring our drinks, plural, over. I figured, how nice, offering to pay and all.

I let it slide when he flirted with the counter girl. He needed a discount to get two smalls with the money he had. At the time I hadn't known she slipped him her number via straw wrapper. Imagine yanking the paper off your straw to find your date distraught over torn numbers. I plunged the straw into the small banana milkshake he brought back to the table. He stuffed his straw in the other side and began what can only be described as the human vacuum cleaner effect.

My suction skills were subpar. I only got a taste and the drink was gone. Theo plowed through the curly fries he had somehow snagged. I extended my arm past the melted pool of ice cream on the table. It was retracted immediately. I couldn't comprehend that he had swatted at my hand. What was he, a cat?

Lucy entered the store. I excused myself, to which he grunted an affirmative reply. She ordered a chocolate shake and sat down with me in a booth. I sped through the specifics of my date. She picked up her half finished shake (which she was gracious enough to share) and waltzed over to our table. Theo glanced up from licking his fingers clean of grease. The look on his face was so priceless as Lucy proceeded to empty her shake on Theo's head. It pooled at his abnormally effeminate eyelashes, dripping onto his lap. Poor boy had brown splotches all over his brand new cargos.

I laughed.

Hey sweet pea. Doris chugged at her vanilla bean frappuccino.

Oh hi Doris. What's up?

Not to interrupt your reminiscing, but uh, you do remember you have company right? Real, living breathing company that doesn't plan on getting the counter girls digits?

You think that counter girl is interested in short guys? Galahad choked on his apple fritter. He had that coming. Doris pounded him on the back.

Ever notice how you always manage to get hurt when you say anything doltish?

No.

"Yo, Sonny. Woo hoo." I caught Chad's hand to stop it from swinging about. "You plan on sitting down anytime soon? You've been staring off into space for like the past five minutes. I bet you were stunned that I knew a word like callipygian. A casting director used it to describe me once. I looked it up. Means shapely buttocks." He looked smug. Wow, you can read a dictionary. That takes a lot of talent. What do you want, a ribbon for your efforts?

I hunkered down next to him, the blanket falling over us like the snow on the streets. It's ninguid outside; I don't expect the snow to let up any time soon. I let Chad string his arm around my waist and reel me in. Goodness, that makes me sound like a fish. Tehe, Chad is fishing for love.

I felt an odd blowing on the back of my neck. I couldn't help but turn around to see what he was up to. I caught him in mid-blow. "What are you doing?" He tugged at a section of hair that was escaping my bun. My hair unraveled further from its tie.

"It was just dangling there and looked really amusing. It blows in the wind." I raised my arms to tighten my hair, barely missing his jaw with my elbow. The look I was giving him spoke for itself. "I'll stop."

He did stop. But then he developed a hatred for our silence. It was almost as if he needed to talk to keep himself from enjoying the moment too much.

"Jellybeans." He stated it like I had asked him a question and he had found his answer. "They're so delicious. There's birthday cake and watermelon and red apple. So many many flavors. Somedays I'll combine all the flavors together and come up with a new flavor. Like when you put the blueberry with the buttered popcorn it tastes like a blueberry muffin. Or you can make tiramisu with 2 cappuccino, a cream soda and chocolate pudding. Sonny, you have to try it." I swear, I could've played ping pong with that boy's eyeballs. They kept growing with every word.

"Yeah Chad. Jellybeans are pretty cool." Personally, I like when mom buys the tub of Jelly Bellys ® at Easter. As a kid, I'd sort them all out by kind first and order them by color. This was a waste of time since mom would pour all of them back in when I went to bed. I ate all of the speckled ones. I'd leave the plain ones for last. It was tradition for so long, I forgot how it instigated.

"When we get out of here, I'm taking you to Fairfield so we can tour the factory." Is this Chad's way of asking me on a date? You're supposed to give the girl an option as to whether she cares to go or not. He's bad at this.

"Is that an invitation or a demand?" I pretended to examine my nails. I was trying to practice accismus. I wanted to come of as ambivalent to the answer. Deep down, I really wanted to know. I was eager that it'd be a date.

"It is merely a request for your companionship on a perusal of a food exhibition." Okay, so not a date. "That way I can block out any fans that may be coming my way." That's fine Chad. Add insult to injury. Can I have a side of humiliation with that?

"Not that I'm not intrigued by how jelly beans are made and all, but I'm booked for the remainder of the month. I have work and buying presents and decorating. I volunteered to dress as an elf at the charity Santa this year." They loaned me a pair of stripy stockings, a jingle cap and shoes. I still have to get the shirt back from the dry cleaners. There were some odd spots on it. I'm guessing somebody wasn't feeling holly jolly when the last elf to wear this approached them.

"Oh. Penelope can go with me then. I'm sure my good friend Ulysses Grant will keep her company." Silence fell on us again as he cradled me in his arms.

Do you think you could get me some of those cappuccino jellybeans?