Winds of Change Chapter 10
"Well now that's a sight for sore eyes," Jimmy says walking up on the porch and seeing Lou sitting in the sun on the swing.
"It's nice to have the sun on my face again" Lou said smiling and shielding her eyes from the bright sunlight as she looks up at Jimmy
"Where's Emma?" Jimmy asks as he sits next to Lou on the swing
"She went to find Sam; they're heading home tomorrow. I'm gonna miss her. I guess on top of saving my life, I have you to thank for her being here"
"Didn't do nothin' just sent a telegram" Jimmy said as he sat his hat, brim up, on the table next to the swing.
Lou and Jimmy sat quietly on the porch, Lou's feet tucked under her as she leaned against Jimmy just a bit and Jimmy's feet were resting on the porch floor, he kept the swing slowly swaying. Lou was enjoying the sunshine and fresh air and Jimmy was simply enjoying her. They were comfortable enough with each other that their silence could speak for them. And even with the passage of time some things never change, Jimmy could still tell when Lou wanted to talk. Jimmy looked at her out of the corner of his eye "All right Lou what's wrong? You got something on your mind"
"It's nothing; I just wonder how you can be gone from work for so long, from the army. I'm doing much better; you don't have to stay if you have somewhere you need to be." Lou didn't really want him to leave, but she couldn't let him stay either. They were quickly falling into old patterns; Jimmy being the best friend she could ever hope for and her being able to lean on him, needing him way too much and he looking at her with eyes that don't hide as much as he thinks.
"Are you trying to get rid of me Lou?" Jimmy teases.
"No Jimmy but surely there's someone in Kansas that's missing you." Lou elbows him a little and smiles "Some special lady or ladies must be missing their Wild Bill"
Jimmy lays his arm across her shoulders "Lou honey there ain't been any one in my life since Rosemary and I went our separate ways." They had talked a lot over the last 2 days and Jimmy had told her how it ended with Rosemary. "Anyway you know you're my only special Lady, always have been and always will be."
Lou looks up at him, at the smile on his face 'damn it he's serious'. Lou quickly looks away before he can see her face getting flushed. Holy hell when was the last time she blushed? Jimmy looked down at Lou's face, "You feeling Ok Lou, you looked a little flushed" His hand on her forehead feeling for fever as he brushes the hair from her face.
"I'm fine Jimmy, probably just the sun" she says trying to control her breathing, surprised that after all these years Jimmy touching her face still sends her heart swimming in the deep end of the pond.
Jimmy looks at her forehead, just above the right temple was a scar about 2 inches long, jagged and disappearing into the hairline "I don't remember that scar Lou, how'd you get that?" he asks, gently rubbing his thumb over the scar.
Before Lou can answer she sees Emma coming up the side walk "Good morning Jimmy," Emma says as she walks up on the porch "so what are you two talking about."
"Scars" Jimmy says
"You two comparing scars, we could be here a while" Emma smiles
Jimmy smiles "No just wondering how Lou got this one on her forehead"
"I wondered that myself when I was washing your hair" Emma stated.
"Just took a fall is all" Lou says bringing her hair back down to cover it "and hit my head on the kitchen table. It was a while back"
Jimmy let it go but he knows something isn't right. Lou's obvious discomfort told him she was lying.
Lou stands up slowly, changing the subject "Jimmy I think I'd like to take a walk, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need your arm to go much farther than the steps. Do ya mind?"
Jimmy stands too and takes her arm "not at all Lou, not at all"
Emma watches them as they walk slowly down the sidewalk, she saw Lou shut down and knows there is so much more Lou isn't telling and she saw the worry in Jimmy's eyes. She knows how hard it was for Lou to learn to trust all of them in the early days of the express; she hopes Lou can learn to trust again. Emma knows from experience how difficult that can be.
…..
Lou and Jimmy walked slowly down the streets of Fort Kearny, Lou holding tightly onto Jimmy's arm, their silence as they walked wasn't as comfortable as it had been earlier. Jimmy had never forgotten about the bruises she had that day by the pond and he knew her well enough to know she was holding back "Lou, I know you ain't telling us everything about the last two years and you don't have to, I just hope you remember you can always talk to me"
Lou took a moment and gathered her thoughts "I know that Jimmy, truth is I don't know if I'll ever tell you everything, it ain't personal, there's just some things I need to let go of and talking 'em to death ain't gonna change anything."
Jimmy looked at her "this from the women who always said 'talking might help'."
Lou continued to take tentative steps, "Well, experience is a hell of a teacher. So just think of me as well-schooled."
Lou stumbled a bit and Jimmy pulled her a little closer and let his left arm slip around her waist as he held her right hand in his. "Let's head over to the stables, Lightening's been missing you"
Lou smiled "Oh has he, and how would you know that?"
"He told me. I took him for a run yesterday, he was looking pretty miserable stuck in that stall for days and when we were riding he told how much he missed you."
"You did that?" she knows she shouldn't be surprised at Jimmy's kindness towards her; she looks up at him "thank you Jimmy."
Lou walked in the barn and up to Lightening; he nickered and whinnied happy to see her again. He began to push her with his head Lou laughed "I missed you too boy" and he pushed her backwards and Jimmy caught her.
"Here Lou sit down" Jimmy sat down on a hay bale and pulled her down next to him, his arm still softly around her waist "Lou….." Jimmy paused. Lou looked at him waiting for him to continue "Lou… well the thing is, I've missed you"
"Aww Jimmy, I've missed you too" Lou tries to be strong but he smells so good, his body is so close that she can feel his warmth and she doesn't have the power to resist leaning into him, to soak up just a little of his strength.
Jimmy puts his hand under her chin and turns her head up towards him and gently presses his lips against hers, but before she can decide whether to kiss him back the stable doors open and the stable boy walks in with two horses "Oh sorry folks"
Lou stands up "that's alright we were just leaving" She says, practically running towards the door.
Jimmy takes her arm "Slow down, you're gonna hurt yourself. I'm sorry about that Lou but it seemed like you wouldn't mind, didn't you want me to kiss you?"
"I guess I did. It was nice. I've never forgotten what it felt like to have you hold me. But things are so different now, I'm different now, there are things you don't know" Lou sighed as they walked back towards the surgery.
"Then just tell me, there's nothing you can say gonna change how I feel about you."
Lou crossed the street, walking back to the surgery, "Jimmy I moved far away to a place I never wanted to go and I just like other times in my life I was alone, but I was never more alone then I was in Virginia and I was married to someone I thought I knew and it turns out I didn't, or maybe I did but I choose not to see it. The war, the things I had to do. All of that changed me, made me realize I always did better when it was just me, alone"
"Lou what are you saying" Jimmy stopped in front of the porch steps
"Jimmy you pushed me away a long time ago 'cause it was better for me or so you said. Well now I'm pushing you 'cause it's better for you, better for both of us really. I'm not meant to have that life, the life Sam and Emma or Buck and Emily have. I'm too tired from fighting; I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not ever gonna be a fine lady, or be able to keep my mouth shut or know my place and my stubborn nature, I'm pretty sure that's not gonna change." Lou shook her head as if to clear it "Jimmy I just want to live my life and not fight anymore, fighting just gets people hurt or worse." Lou looked up into the amber eyes he didn't know he shared with their daughter. Oh god those eyes. She looked away. "I ain't who I used to be Jimmy, tell ya the truth I don't know who I am, but I know what I've done and I don't think trying to love me is gonna be worth your time." Lou started up the porch steps. Leaving Jimmy feeling like the air had been sucked from his body.
"Sam, Emma" Lou said as she reached the porch and sat in the chair next to Emma "Judgin by the look on your face you still have questions for me"
"Lou, what you remembered about the shooting is fine it all adds up with what Jimmy said and if I wanted to bother getting a statement from Buck it would be the same I'm sure, but what I want to know from you is why there is a bounty in the first place. Tell me what happened in Virginia."
Lou looked at Jimmy as he sat down on the swing "You want me to go Lou? Do you need to talk to Sam alone?"
Lou sighed, letting a breath she'd been holding for a long time "No Jimmy, stay, you should hear this." Emma reached over and held Lou's hand.
Lou looks as the expectant faces of the people she loves and she finds within her a determination she thought she had lost "Sam first off, any crime I might have committed in Virginia happened after Virginia seceded from the union, that means that unless the united states is willing to arrest me and send me to Virginia, to stand trial, kinda like as if I had committed the crime in Mexico, what's the word Sam…."
"Expedite"
"Yep that's it, unless they 'expedite' me Virginia cain't touch me. They cain't come get me, but the bounty hunters can." Lou puts up her hand to stop the questions about to erupt from the three surprised faces looking at her. "I stopped in Louisville not just 'cause Jamie was sick but also because an old friend of mine lives there and is studying to be a lawyer. I knew Bobby from the orphanage; he was older and left about 2 years before I did. I ran into him when I was visiting Teresa and Jeramiah before the express ended and we kept in touch. So that's how I know that whatever I did in Virginia, Sam it don't concern you….."
"Lou!" Emma took affront at that "Of course it concerns us, we're all family."
"That ain't what I meant Emma, I meant that Sam and the law out here in the territories cain't arrest me. I didn't know anything about the bounty until last week. But I knew what I had done that's why I went to talk to Bobby in Louisville."
Lou paused, sat up a bit straighter and looked at Sam "When I left Virginia, I left in a hurry and I killed 2 of the men that tried to keep me from leaving. If there were more that died I don't know about 'em, but those two I am sure I killed 'cause that's what I was aiming to do. They came after me for helping some slaves escape and yea on two occasions I gave refuge to some Union soldiers. The reason there is a bounty on me and why it's so high is 'cause one of the men I shot was the sheriff and he was the son of Jason Reynolds a powerful judge in Richmond, one of the most powerful men in Virginia, he has a reputation for getting what he wants at any cost, he's behind the bounty I'm sure of it and the other, was a Lieutenant in the Confederate army. Lieutenant William Kirby and well, he was just a son of bitch….. Sorry Emma…. and he deserved to die" Lou said.
"Well Mrs. McCloud you can willingly tell us the truth and confess your sins" Lieutenant Kirby said in his genteel southern drawl "and I'm, sure the Judge will go easy on you." Kirby had dismounted and walked up to Lou and in front of the sheriff and his men, slowly ran his hands down the front of Lou's dress stopping to grab her breasts "of course if you don't I am certain we can make you tell us"
Lou continued her voice now resolute and her face hardening "Sheriff Reynolds and the lieutenant had been to the farm several times trying to find runway slaves on the property or evidence of Union soldiers having been there. They figured me to be like other women, easily scared or intimidated and they were mean, vicious men, they threatened me, the baby and to burn the place down and they even dug up the graves behind the barn, thinking they would find the bodies of the men that had killed Kid and Jacob, the army considered them missing in action, not the renegades they really were, but all they found was Kid and Jacob. They dug Kid up and they made me watch."
The sheriff stood behind her and held both of her arms and whispered in her ear "Nothing to say bitch, not gonna beg us to stop. To leave them to rest in peace"
"Would it make a difference" Lou said tying to hold back the screams and cries coming up inside
"Jesus" Jimmy exclaimed
Lou couldn't look at them "Believe me they could look till the good lord comes back they won't ever find the bodies of the two that shot Kid and Jacob." Lou just kept looking out towards the street. "I saw to that"
It took several days just to dig the graves behind the barn and get Jacob and Kid safely buried. I didn't worry about the dead soldiers, I just tied them behind Lightening and drug them to the river about a mile away, they weren't real recognizable by then, and I rolled them in.
Lou breathed deep, looked back at Sam and continued her story "About a week before Mr. Schuler came to warn me about the law being after me, I had found 2 Union soldiers in the barn, hurt, hungry and in a bad way. They had escaped from Belle Isle, a prisoner of war camp in Richmond a few days before, I took care of 'em best I could and hid them in the cellar under the barn until they were fit to travel and they left out the day before Mr. Schuler came riding in. I figured out then that the bounty hunters that had been watching the place were really working for the local law and had seen the soldiers leaving and turned me in. I had the saddle bags packed and Lightening was saddled when I heard them ride up. About 10 of them, the sheriff and a deputy or two the rest was army, led by Kirby. They drew first Sam, fired on me as I tried to leave the barn, I ran back in and fired back, I took out Kirby first and the sheriff second hoping that their men would panic, some did and while they tried to regrouped I hit a few more and then to add to the ciaos I set the barn on fire and took off out the back. There wasn't a horse in the Express as fast as Lightening, so their old mules didn't have a chance in hell of keeping up." Emma had let go of Lou's hand looking shocked and stunned.
"What Emma? What are you shocked by? All of ya, you should see your faces. Are you shocked that I could do what I did? That I did what I had to, that's all I've ever done… what I had to." Lou stood up, angry but not at them, at herself and at everything she'd ever had to do. Lou wants to shout, to scream at them 'there was another man in Virginia I killed him too. Kid wasn't killed by the soldiers, I killed him. I killed Kid'. But she turns not wanting to see the look on their faces and slowly walks back into the house.
….
"Lou, can I come in?" Jimmy had opened the door when she didn't respond to his knock.
Lou was sitting on the window seat looking out, she nodded
Jimmy sat next to her and looked at her, at the tears on her face "Lou you got it all wrong"
Jimmy put his hand up as she started to speak "Hush, my turn to speak, you think we were all judging you out there, we weren't, yea we were shocked but only by what you've had to go through and by how much strength you have. Lou, look at me, all that you just told us make us love you more. Make us want to help you.
Lou wiped her face "Jimmy, I don't know if you can help, I have nightmares about all of it, and what I told you, that's just part of it.
Jimmy took her hand, "All the others things you can't or won't tell me, well I can tell you true that no matter what Lou, I'll Love you. You said earlier that you ain't never gonna be a fine lady, well that's true, you ain't a fine lady, but you are a helluva women and I never told you and I should have, but I'm telling you now. I Love you.
…..