Title: Coping
Rating: T
Author: Singing Violin
Series: Star Trek: Voyager
Summary: Chakotay suspects something terrible has happened to the captain, and he wants to help, but when he tries, he only makes things worse. Very dark, but not graphic.
Disclaimer: The Star Trek characters and universe are not mine.
Author's Note (Chapter 10): This chapter is mostly un-beta'ed (Lia has other responsibilities - boo - but thanks to her for a few helpful thoughts), so please blame any deficiencies on me (and let me know about them if they can be fixed either with small corrections here or addressing them in future chapters). And continuing thanks to my reviewers, followers, and fave-ers (is that a word?)!

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Chakotay had scarcely approached the side of the biobed when he heard Kathryn speak. "I believe you owe me an answer, Doctor." Her words were so formal, so commanding, that he almost shook his head in disbelief at the fact that she was asking to be relieved of duty. Even while she suffered, she was still the captain to the bone.

The holographic doctor, for her part, merely nodded perfunctorily and replied calmly, betraying nothing of the annoyance she had expressed to the commander just moments ago. "I do indeed, Captain," she stated, emphasizing the rank, "and obviously, while you are under my care, you will not be allowed to return to duty."

Chakotay saw Kathryn slump slightly then, as if the tension holding her up had suddenly been released. Her eyes, firmly fixed upon the EMH 1.1, revealed intense relief, and something else...dread? Janeway opened her mouth as if to say something, but was interrupted.

"Don't get too comfortable, Captain," the photonic woman continued. "I said while you are under my care. You must remain in Sickbay until I deem you ready for duty again."

"But..." the captain started, obviously taken aback, and again the hologram interrupted her.

"I see no reason to relieve you of duty permanently," the lady doctor explained. "You are perfectly capable of performing your job, except for the minor issue of your panic attacks, which I believe can be cured...if we restore your memories."

Predictably, the captain shook her head. "No. I can't...it's not a good idea."

The hologram sighed. "I see no other way to access the cause of your distress, Captain. Obviously blocking conscious recall hasn't been entirely effective, as your subconscious seems to still be quite aware of what transpired and is maintaining a physical and psychological response. If we return the memories to your conscious mind, there are ways of dealing with trauma directly."

Again, Kathryn appeared as if she were about to say something, but deftly the female doctor intercepted the argument, while Chakotay looked on, astonished at how easily Janeway was being railroaded. Sparked by his most recent conversation with that very doctor, he wondered briefly if her uncharacteristic inability to dominate the situation had more to do with her own wounded state of mind, or with the difference in dynamic that resulted when interacting with a member of her own gender.

"Obviously I cannot order you to undergo the procedure, as long as you are the captain and able to perform your duties," the projection continued, "but if your symptoms progress, I could be forced to declare you unfit, and whoever took over command could order it of you, as long as you are a crewmember aboard this ship. And if you were to leave us entirely, Captain, well, who knows what fate would befall you. I don't think you're willing to take that risk, especially when it means you could no longer be of use to this crew in any capacity. I know you, Captain, and you wouldn't abandon us...not willingly."

Now, the captain was silent, seeming to mull the holographic doctor's argument. She folded her hands in her lap and looked down at them contemplatively.

She can't seriously be considering disembarking, Chakotay thought to himself. The commander spoke up then, not sure whether the photonic woman would like what he was about to say, but not caring, because he felt the captain needed to hear it. "Kathryn," he stated softly, "I wouldn't order you to undergo the procedure. After what happened, I couldn't dream of forcing you to do yet another thing with your body — or your mind — that you aren't comfortable with."

He held his breath then, hoping she would take the bait. She did, sighing before she spoke. "I appreciate that, Chakotay, but I don't even know what happened. I don't know if it was a situation...like you described." She stumbled over her words, as if she could not figure out how to say what she really meant, or was afraid to speak explicitly, lest she somehow create veracity.

He pursed his lips before replying. "Which is exactly why I agree with the Doctor that restoring your memories is our best hope. We'll find out what happened, and then we can deal with it. I'll help in whatever way I can."

She visibly tensed then, and Chakotay braced himself to witness another anxiety episode, eying the photonic doctor for support before turning his focus back to the captain, who was looking towards him pleadingly. Kathryn spoke angrily now, "You promised you'd see if the memories could be accessed another way." She shifted her eyes to the hologram, her gravelly voice full of desperation, "Doctor, is there any hope you have them stored somewhere?"

At that, a holographic eyebrow was raised. "As far as I know, those memories exist only in your brain, Captain. If I have no record of performing the original procedure, you can be sure that I have no record of the memories themselves. The surgery doesn't extract them; it merely blocks them. Unless you think you might have told me directly what happened, and then locked those files, in which case you are the only one that can retrieve them. Feel free to dig around, though you're not leaving my sickbay until you make a decision."

Chakotay saw the captain gulp then, and was sure she would begin shaking once again, but surprisingly, she didn't. Instead, she looked back and forth between the lady doctor and him, and finally looked back down at her lap. "I'm pretty sure I didn't tell you," she admitted. "If it was so horrible that I wanted to erase it, then I wouldn't have wanted to relive it by relating what happened. Besides, even if I did record it somewhere, I don't see how reading what I told you or wrote or whatever would be particularly different than restoring the memories themselves."

"Good thinking, Captain," interjected the holographic woman. Then she paused for a moment, presumably to let her praise sink in as her eyes traveled over her patient. The commander watched his captain too, though he wasn't sure what exactly he was looking for, nor what the photonic doctor saw that prompted her next statement. "Take your time," she urged, "I can be patient." The edge of her mouth curled up in a sort of smirk as she paused again so that Kathryn could reply.

"All right," the captain agreed dejectedly, laying her hands flat on the biobed at her sides as she looked up. "You've convinced me. I don't like it, but it doesn't seem like I've got much of a choice."

Then Chakotay nodded and spoke up again. "I'll stay with you or leave," he promised, "whatever will make you more comfortable. And, as the good doctor said, take your time. I don't want you to feel rushed." As he spoke, he clenched his fists, realizing that he was treading a fine line between comfort and condescension. The last thing he needed to do was to exacerbate her current insecurities by coddling her.

Janeway rolled her eyes. "I want to get out of here as soon as possible," she pointed out. "We might as well get this over with."

"I agree," Chakotay told her directly. Then, with his voice wavering slightly in trepidation of her response, he asked, "Would you like me to stay, or to go?"

Kathryn surprised him yet again by looking directly into his eyes, seeming to study him. He attempted to convey his intentions as best he could as he met her gaze in return. "You want to stay," she assessed after a moment of silence.

"Yes," he admitted without elaborating. "I do."

"Then stay," she allowed, finally breaking eye contact, as if she were afraid that continuing to look at him would allow him an opportunity to observe something she didn't want him to see. He wondered if it were an actual desire to have him there, or just resignation to the fact that he wouldn't be satisfied if she sent him away. Or perhaps something more sinister: a fear that, if she dismissed him, he'd retaliate against her in some way. It wasn't beyond the realm of possibility that she'd think him capable of that, considering...but given that she'd read his desire correctly, and was willing to allow his presence, he decided it would only complicate things to question her motives. He would be there for her, because she permitted it: that was sufficient reason.

He was only vaguely aware of the fact that she was speaking again, and belatedly processed the words. "Go ahead, Doctor."

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