APRIL
Apr 1st
Day 1 of my fantastic new plan. April Fool's Day: very appropriate! No chances today, sadly. Harry was around all the time. Damn you, Harry! Maybe I need to create chances. If I can just arrange to bump into her in the corridors between classes or something. There's always so many people around though. What I need is Harry's map that tells you where everyone in the castle is at all times, so I could check to see when she's on her own and miraculously turn up: "Oh, hello, Hermione, what are you doing here?" Actually, that might be a bit creepy.
Apr 2nd
Day 2: We were in the common room this evening and she was correcting the spelling in my Charms essay. I chanced my arm and gave her the world's quickest hug. I am working my way up to kissing her. A hug is a half-arsed attempt. A hug is a failed kiss. A hug is me chickening out. Still, I reckon eventually I might actually be able to do it. Maybe when I'm thirty.
Apr 3rd
Day 3: She helped me pick up my stuff in the hall after one of the Slytherin lot broke my bag strap again. I gave her another of my patented Weasley two-second hugs. One... two… let go. I have to let go because somehow it always feels like she can read my mind when I'm hugging her. Any more than two seconds and she'll know. Any more than two seconds and I might as well just bloody kiss her. I think about kissing her all the time. I think about nothing else. Several times a day I'm standing there with her and there's a three second opportunity, but I just can't do it, I'm like rooted to the spot or something. We're standing there talking, or she is, and I'm pretending to listen but really I'm just staring at her mouth and the voice in my head is shouting "Come on, kiss her! What are you waiting for? What the hell's wrong with you? What are you just standing there for? Come on, you muppet!"
Just realised I was already sort of doing this last month as well. Trying to chuck Lavender, trying to make a move on Hermione. Or at least, thinking about doing it. Although then it wasn't a plan. This is a plan. Because that makes all the difference, obviously!
Apr 4th
Day 4: Jesus, I really, really want to kiss her. Sometimes she smiles at me and I have to physically restrain myself from going over and doing it. It doesn't help that there suddenly seems to be a lot more physical contact. Or am I imagining it? I mean, I wouldn't put it past me to be completely making it up, but I swear… It's like earlier, we were at lunch, and she climbed onto the bench to sit between me and Harry and grabbed my shoulder to steady herself. And then in Potions she sat next to me as usual, but much closer than necessary, and her leg was pressed right against mine so that I could feel it there all the way through the lesson and didn't get any work done at all. And tonight on the way into the hall for dinner, she came up behind me and grabbed my arm so she could say something, but she definitely kept her hand there longer than she needed to. Yeah, yeah, I know all these things might be accidental. But they might not be! Give me the benefit of the sodding doubt, will you?
Apr 5th
Day 5: Okay, so I'm imagining it.
Apr 6th
Day 6: Okay, I'm definitely not imagining it. At breakfast today, I did the sitting way too close thing and she didn't move her leg away at all! She could have done, there was plenty of room! I spent the rest of the morning all the way through double Potions just staring at her like an idiot and completely tongue-tied every time she spoke to me. This is ridiculous, why is it so hard? I never had this problem with Lavender. I used to snog her in front of the entire Gryffindor common room. So why the hell can't I get up the nerve to kiss Hermione in front of exactly no-one? Oh, for fuck's sake, I've just got to do it! It's not like she can't be expecting it, what with me being so subtle and all.
Apr 7th
Day 7: So tonight, everyone else has gone down to dinner, and I'm sitting on the end of my bed trying to put another stretching spell on my trainers, which are rubbing worse than ever lately. Dean is just leaving. He gets to the door and then sticks his head back round it and says, "You've got a visitor, Ron…"
I look up and he's gone, but she is standing there instead.
She says, "I was waiting for you to come downstairs but I got bored waiting. What are you doing?"
I tell her, "Trying to stretch my trainers. They've already got three stretching spells on them, I'm not sure they can take anymore."
She comes over and sits down on the bed next to me and takes the shoe from my hand. I am suddenly very aware how quiet it is, and that we're alone in my room and everyone else will be at dinner for the next hour. My heart starts beating very fast and, it seems to me anyway, very very loudly. All I can hear apart from that is the ticking of a clock and the bed creaking - the bed creaking! - when one of us moves slightly. I could just lean across and kiss her. I could actually do it. There's literally nothing stopping me. Well, apart from the rising panic that's setting in. My legs have gone numb. My palms are sweaty. My mouth's dry. She's right there, you idiot. What are you waiting for? Oh, hell. Hell. I'm not ready for this. I'm so not ready for this it's not even funny. We could sit here for the entire dinner hour and I'd still not get up the nerve to do it. We could sit here 'til sodding Christmas.
Then she says, interrupting my chain of thought, "What's wrong with your other shoes?"
I snap back into reality again. "I, er, threw them out of the window."
This is, sadly, true. It was in February. I was having a bad month.
She says, "Why, for heaven's sake?"
"I was just sick of the sight of them, to be honest. They were all held together with Spellotape. I went to get them the next morning but it had snowed and I could only find one."
She stares at me as if she's trying to work out if I'm joking or not, then the corners of her mouth start to twitch.
She says, deadpan, "Maybe you should shrink your feet instead."
I say, "Har har" and she laughs. She gets out her wand and tries a few spells but nothing seems to work. Eventually she just hands it back to me and says, "I think you're right, they're all stretched out. I'll go to the library tomorrow and see if I can find a spell. Come on, we'll be late for dinner!"
She's already halfway across the room before I can protest. I say, in a pathetic attempt to stop her leaving, "You know, I'm not sure I'm actually hungry..."
She bursts out laughing as though that's the funniest thing I've ever said, says, "You, not hungry? That'll be the day!" and is out of the door before I can say anything else. Like, "Actually, I'm really not. I had a Chocolate Frog half an hour ago. And we did have a big lunch…"
Apr 8th
Day 8: Sometimes I swear it's like I'm watching myself in slow motion and shouting "Noooooooo!!" Today was a classic. We're in the corridor, and she's leaning against the wall and I'm standing about three feet in front of her. I'm just staring at her mouth, I'm not even really listening to what she's saying anymore. And then, before I can even think about what I'm doing, or try and stop myself, I sort of lurch at her. And at the exact same moment, she suddenly spots Professor Vector walking past and runs over to talk to him. Meanwhile I lurch straight into the wall and smack myself in the forehead. Really fucking hard. They both turn around to see what's happened. I say, stupidly, and rapidly going the colour of a tomato, "Tripped over my foot." Rubbing my head. Brilliant. Fantastic!
Ps: Just realised this was supposed to be a two part plan and I've skipped Stage One and gone straight onto Stage Two. Mind you, Stage Two is a lot more appealing!
Apr 9th
Day 9: I "happened" to bump into her between lessons this afternoon, and we were walking along a corridor on the third floor when I noticed one of the classrooms was empty and said, without thinking, "Quick, come in here!" She followed me in but she hovered in the doorway and looked a bit suspicious, as well she might. She said, "Why are we in here?" And for the life of me I could not think what to say. I just stood there and felt a bit sick and didn't say anything. She said, "I've got to get to my next lesson," and started to back out of the classroom. And I thought, say something, you idiot. Say anything! And I said, brilliantly, "Oh, I just needed to borrow the… er… the… um…" (desperately looking around the classroom for something I might have come in to borrow) "… this book." (Picking up entirely random book off the shelf and trying to look as though this was definitely the thing I wanted all along) She said, "Advanced Arithmancy? You're not even doing Arithmancy! Why do you need a book about it?" I said, "I thought I might do extra lessons." Oh, great, yeah, really convincing! She looked like she might laugh but then obviously thought better of it and just said, "Good idea. I've got to get to my class now". Jesus, that was just pathetic! Why can't I do it? Advanced Arithmancy! Christ, Weasley, you really are six foot of ginger idiot!
Apr 10th
Day 10: Well, today was an absolute disaster. I was sitting next to her in the corner of the library and noticed there was no-one around, so I started leaning towards her really slowly, so slowly I could deny it if she noticed. She was reading her book, so she wasn't looking at me, and I thought if I could get close enough, she'd suddenly realise and turn her face towards me and by then I'd have the momentum up and wouldn't be able to stop myself and she wouldn't be able to stop me either. Obviously, I thought about it way too much. I didn't think I was even being that obvious with the slow leaning thing but then she suddenly said, "How's Lavender?"
I jerked my head back and tried to look like I wasn't up to anything suspicious, but I know I went bright red and of course I said something stupid like, "Huh?"
She still wasn't looking at me, she was just reading her book, so I suppose at least I should be grateful that she couldn't see how guilty my face must have looked.
She said again, "How's Lavender? Still going out with her?"
I got really flustered and said something brilliant along the lines of "Er… well… sort of… I mean, technically we are still going out, but it's not like we actually spend any time together any more, so I suppose you could say that we're not still going out, but then we haven't officially split up either, so…"
She let me drivel on like this for what seemed like a million years, and eventually I completely ran out of words and came to a dead halt. Then there was this agonising silence during which I had time to notice I'd got a question wrong on my essay and actually said this out loud, basically drawing even more attention to the fact that I'm a complete fucking idiot. And then we sat there for God knows how long in embarrassed silence, her reading her book, me just sitting there thinking about the best way to kill myself. Drowning seems like it might be painless. Jesus Christ. It's just embarrassing. I'm embarrassing myself. I'm sure I'm embarrassing her. You're probably even embarrassed reading about it.
Apr 11th
Day 11: Well, I thought I could sink no lower in terms of embarrassing myself in front of her but I think this morning may have plumbed new depths. I should never have tried again after yesterday, I should have just left it. But never let it be said that Ron Weasley did the sensible thing. We were standing outside the library, scene of my previous disaster - you'd think I'd have learned my lesson, wouldn't you? And she was just talking, I don't even know what about, and I suddenly completely lost my head and nearly said, "Can I kiss you?" but what I actually said instead was, "Can I k-hug you?"
She looked as though she might laugh, but then didn't, thank Christ. She just said, "Kug?"
Me, bluffing like mad: "Hug".
Because obviously, if I just pretend I didn't say it, it never happened, right? She must have misheard. Yeah, that's it.
She said, "I don't think that's a very good idea."
I said, "It's only a hug!"
She shook her head. She said, "No, it isn't."
Meanwhile I'd gone in for the hug anyway so by the time she said it, it was already too late. Of course, the patented Weasley two-second hug went completely out of the window. I started counting in my head as usual:
one… two… three… four… five… six… seven… eight… nine…
She said, quietly, "Ron, let go," and I let go and had to immediately turn round and walk away because I was too embarrassed to even look at her. I avoided her for the rest of the day. I've still not been able to look at her tonight. I hope she doesn't think I'm upset with her or anything. I just can't look her in the eye. It must be written all over my face. No, you're quite right, Hermione, it isn't just a hug. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! She definitely knows what I'm trying to do now. And she doesn't think it's a very good idea.
Apr 12th
Day 12: Nothing. What, did you think I was going to make an idiot of myself again? Nope, not today. Even I have my limits. It's pointless. I'm never going to do it. She doesn't want me to, anyway. She basically said as much. I give up.
Apr 13th
Day 13: Should probably stop counting then, Ron…
Apr 14th
Day 14: Oh my God, what just happened? I might be going to Paris! With Hermione! Well, it probably won't happen, but give me at least a couple of days to be excited about the idea before it all falls through, come on! So, I am playing chess with Hermione in the common room tonight, and she starts talking about how she's always wanted to go to Paris and all the things she'd like to do if she went, and then after a bit she suddenly says, "We could go, if you want."
I look up and she's beaming at me. I say, "To Paris?"
Her: "Yes, why not?"
Me: "Well... because I can't afford it, for a start."
Her: "What if there was a way round that?"
Me: "How? How would there be a way round that? Are you going to rob Gringotts or something?"
Her: "No, but… well, you know Muggles come of age at eighteen rather than seventeen? Well, my dad says he'll pay for me and a friend to go to Paris for a week! You know I've always wanted to go. So, do you want to come?"
I am completely floored. The idea is so fantastic and wonderful and oh my fucking God I'm going to Paris with Hermione that I can't actually speak. I stare at her for so long she eventually says, "Well?" She's practically jumping up and down, she's so excited, and it makes me smile. It suddenly occurs to me that she must have thinking about this for ages if she's been talking to her dad about it. Maybe she is interested after all. Maybe she does want me to kiss her. Maybe it was just the Lavender thing getting in the way.
I say, "Yeah, of course, but… he'll pay for it, are you sure?"
Her, impatiently: "Yes! For spending money, for the hotel, for everything!"
I think, the hotel! I say, "I bet he didn't mean me when he said he'd pay for a friend to go as well. I bet he meant a girl friend."
She says, "No, he knew who I'd take."
I go beetroot. I think, Did he? Does he? How does he know? I didn't even know!
I bet her dad will get us separate rooms. In separate hotels, probably. Mine will be in London. She carries on talking about all the stuff we might do in Paris and meanwhile in my head I'm still just thinking about the hotel...
-----
I've met her dad loads of times but that was when we were definitely just friends, now if I saw him I know he'd just be thinking, "I know what goes on in your head, you little bastard, and if you think I'm going to pay for you to go to Paris and stay in a hotel with my daughter you've got another think coming. You so much as touch her and I'll make sure you can never have children!" Ha ha. No, there's just no way this is actually going to happen. I refuse to get excited about it, because otherwise I'm just going to be gutted when he says no and we can't go. There's no way I could ever afford to take her to Paris on my own. Even if I could get a summer job it probably still wouldn't be enough. No-one in my family has any money, so it's not like I could even borrow it. I suppose Fred and George are raking in the Galleons at their shop, but I can't see them lending me any. They bloody should, though, it'd be like payback for all the times they tortured me when I was little. No, if her dad says no, there's no way we're going.
-----
And anyway, now I come to think about it, she didn't say it would be as anything more than friends, did she? She did say, he'd pay for a friend to go as well. So, she can't have meant anything else by it, she just meant as friends, otherwise surely she wouldn't have been talking to her dad about it? Who asks their dad if he can pay for them to go to Paris with a boyfriend? What dad says yes and genuinely doesn't mind? Nah, that's nuts, I must have heard her wrong. I must have been mistaken. Nothing's actually happened anyway, has it? It's all been in my head. Why would she ask me to go as more than friends when nothing's even happened? And I can hardly ask her, can I? "Hermione, when you said about going to Paris, did you mean we were going as friends or, er, not?" No, I can't ask her that, it would just be too embarrassing. And gutting if she said yes. Jesus, I'm still thinking about the hotel!
-----
Right, now I really have got to dump Lavender. If I don't do it soon I won't be going to Paris. I won't be going anywhere. Although that would definitely be grounds for her dumping me: "Hey, Lavender, I'm going to Paris for a week with Hermione, you don't mind, do you?" Ha ha! Yeah, maybe I should casually drop it into conversation. But then I'd have to actually speak to her, and I've been avoiding her for so long now I've almost forgotten what she looks like. I wish.
-----
Maybe I could just write her a letter, then I wouldn't have to face her. "Dear Lavender, you're dumped, love Ron xx" Alright, it's the coward's way out, but hey, I am a coward. If I wasn't, it wouldn't have taken me, oh Christ, four months to dump her, would it? Maybe that's why I'm finding it so hard to kiss Hermione. Some sort of previously undiscovered moral compass that won't let me do it 'til I've dumped Lavender first. Yeah, it's definitely a moral thing rather than me just being a total chicken about it!
Apr 15th
Day 15: Made what was possibly the world's least impressive attempt to chuck Lavender today. Basically, it consisted of this two minute conversation outside the Potions classroom after lessons:
ME: "Alright?"
HER: "Fine, you?"
ME: "Yeah, fine. Listen, Laven-"
HER: "How boring was that lesson? God, I thought it would never end!"
ME: "Yeah, it was really boring. So, um, I was thinking… we've been going out for nearly five months now-"
HER, suddenly throwing herself at me and giving me a big hug for no apparent reason: "You remembered! I knew you would!"
ME, massively confused: "Er… what?"
HER, beaming: "I can't believe it's our five month anniversary on Wednesday either!"
ME, stunned: "……."
HER: "I know exactly what you were going to say, too."
ME: "You do?"
HER: "Of course!" (giggling and punching me in the arm quite hard) "You're sooo obvious!"
ME: "I am?"
HER: "To be honest, I've been waiting for you to bring it up for ages…"
ME, apparently now only able to ask stupid questions: "You have?"
HER, punching me in the arm again: "Silly! Of course I have! I've been thinking about it for ages too!"
ME, a bit surprised but mostly incredibly relieved: "Oh... good... that's… that's great. So -"
HER, throwing her arms around my neck and giving me a big kiss: "So I'll see you on Wednesday night! Can't wait!"
She giggles again, gives me a little wave, and runs off.
ME, feebly: "Hang on -"
Please tell me, because I've no idea, how the hell I managed to get from dumping her to agreeing to go on another date in the space of two minutes. Shit, Hermione's going to kill me.
Well, only if I tell her...
Apr 16th
Day 16: We were talking about Paris again today. She said I'd like France because they have the best food in the world. I remember those funny wobbly puddings from when the Beauxbatons lot were here, so I'm not so sure myself. She said she'd like to show me the museums (yeah, I think not) and we could go up the Eiffel Tower, she was getting really excited about it. I said as long as I don't have to go in one of those planes, there's no way you'd get me in one of those things! I mean, how do they stay up without magic? It's just wrong! She said we could go on something called Eurostar instead, it's like a train but it goes under the sea, and I said that sounds even worse, why can't we just use the Floo Network like normal? She said, that is normal, thousands of people do it every day. She started laughing then, she said all these Muggle things she thinks are normal just sound silly when you have to describe them to someone. Then neither of us could stop laughing, everything just seemed really funny.
-----
Oh my God, I can't wait for the holidays now, it's going to be excellent! I'm not going to mention it to anybody yet, in case it doesn't happen. Don't want to jinx it. She didn't say anything about inviting Harry, so I'm sort of hoping that she won't. I'd feel a bit bad about it, but that would totally defeat the whole point of going. Sorry Harry, mate. What's the weather like in Paris at the end of August? Is it hot? I hope it's not hot. There's no way I'm wearing shorts. I don't want to inflict my pasty legs on anyone. Oh my God, it's just going to be the best thing ever! Paris! With Hermione! Aargghh! I don't even want to get too excited about it in case it falls through. I mean, these things never really happen, do they? You can talk about them all you like, but ninety nine per cent of the time, they just don't happen. Especially to me.
-----
I've never really been on holiday. Well, we went to Egypt that time to visit Bill, and that was really cool, but we never went on holiday when we were kids. Nobody I knew did. Muggles go on holiday. We just played in the fields around the house and stuff. Egypt was with the whole family anyway, so it's not the same as if you got to go off and do your own thing. Going to Paris with just Hermione would be amazing! She asked if there's anything I'd like to do and I said I've no idea, what have they got? Hey, I'm from the country, I don't get out much! London's scary enough. We're not even from the village, we're from the middle of nowhere in Devon, surrounded by fields. Ottery St Catchpole is like the big city to us! I don't know anything about Paris. I'm not sure I could even point to it on a map. I suppose it's a bit like London but everyone speaks French and eats snails. She says when she goes home next time she'll get a book on it and send it to me by owl.
----
I'm not at all sure about this train that goes under the sea, either. Can you see the water out of the windows? How weird is that? Not quite as weird as getting on a plane, anyway - and there's no way I'm doing that, even for Hermione. You'd have to knock me out first. You'd have to put some sort of spell on me to go to sleep for a couple of hours, so that when I woke up, we were already there. Or whack me on the back of the head when I wasn't looking. Why can't we just go by Floo Network or Portkey like normal people? What's the point of being a wizard if you have to go by plane? Oh my God! Why can't it be August already?
Apr 17th
Day 17: OH MY GOD! We were just downstairs in the common room and it was pretty late, gone midnight. Harry stood up and yawned and announced, "Well, I'm off to bed. Coming, Ron?" I said, "In a bit," so he said goodnight to us and went off up to bed. And I suddenly realised that it was just me and her and if I was still doing the plan, this would be a perfect chance. Of course, then I started panicking because I couldn't decide whether to actually do something about it or not. We sat there for about five minutes in silence, her reading, me having an argument with myself in my head and trying to persuade myself one way or the other. The usual thing - getting my hopes up and then talking myself out of it again:
"I could do it now!"
"Don't be daft, she doesn't want you to! She basically said as much!"
"But maybe she does, maybe it's just because of Lavender!"
"Yeah, who you still haven't dumped, remember?"
"But what about Paris? She asked me to go to Paris with her!"
"As friends! Were you not listening? She specifically said, "for me and a friend". That's you! You're a friend! Could she spell it out any clearer?"
"But she waited up for me! She's sitting right there! This might be the best chance I ever get!"
"Yeah, and you'll fuck it up if you try anything now. Sort out the Lavender thing first!"
"But this is perfect! She's right there! There's firelight and everything!"
"Well, alright, but don't say I didn't warn you…"
"Fine, I'm going to do it, I'm going to get up and walk over there and - "
And then Hermione stands up and stretches and says, "I think I'm going to call it a night."
I say, trying not to sound too disappointed, "Oh. Okay. 'Night, then."
She says, "Night, Ron" and goes off toward the stairs to the girls dorm.
I don't even have enough time to curse myself for my rubbishness though, because three seconds later she comes back again. She comes up behind me, leans down and puts her hands on my shoulders, kisses me very quickly on the top of the head, and whispers, "Night…"
I swing round, but she's already halfway up the stairs to her room where, obviously, I can't follow.
Jesus Christ! What was that? Was that what I think it was? Was that a "Yes, I do want you to kiss me, keep trying" kiss? Or was it just a "Goodnight, this doesn't mean anything" kiss? She's never done that before, though. Well, she has, twice. But only twice, ever. Two kisses on the cheek in nearly six years. Once last September when I gave her her birthday present. Once in the first term of fifth year just before that nightmare first Quidditch match.
-----
And thinking about it, she did try to kiss me on the cheek last Christmas as well, but I wouldn't let her, like an idiot. It was when my dad was in hospital and we thought he was going to die. Jesus, I thought this Christmas was bad, but last year… last year was just awful. She was supposed to be in France with her parents but she turned up in London instead. She tried to give me a hug, but I pushed her away. I think I knew that if anyone tried to hug me I'd just start crying, and that was so not going to happen in front of her. Anyway, that would have been a "sorry about your dad" sympathy kiss, if I'd let her do it. Those are all pretty good reasons, aren't they? Thank you. Good luck. Sorry. But tonight wasn't anything like that. Tonight I didn't do anything to give her a reason. I hadn't just given her a present, I wasn't about to play the worst Quidditch match of my life, and none of my relatives were ill. She just… she just kissed me, that's all. For no reason. Unless… Oh, Jesus. She wants me to kiss her. She does. I'm sure of it. She wants me to!
Apr 18th
Day 18: Well, it's been an interesting evening, to say the least! I had one thought in my head all day - kissing Hermione, what else? - so of course, I completely forget about the date with Lavender, don't I? At least, until she corners me after dinner and demands we go for a walk. She's got such a dangerous face on I'm convinced she's finally going to dump me, so I say, "Yeah, alright" and try and look upset. Which is pretty hard, because I'm so excited about the idea that in ten minutes time I might actually be free to go and kiss Hermione that my heart's thumping and I can hardly keep the grin off my face.
Anyway, we end up in an empty classroom somewhere, I don't even know where, and the second we get inside Lavender shoves me against the door and kisses me and tries to lift my t-shirt over my head. Which is just about the last thing I was expecting!
I push her off and say, a bit impatiently, "What did you want to talk to me about, Lavender?"
She slides her arms around my waist and smiles and says, "It's been five months. I think I'm ready…"
I say, stupidly, "Ready for what?"
"You know... to do it..."
I say, "You're joking!" and she obviously mistakes my horrified expression for joy because she giggles and says, "I thought you'd be pleased! Happy Anniversary!"
I just stare at her with my mouth open, too stunned to speak.
She takes my hand then and slides it inside her shirt - oh my God! It's been so long since we did this I'd almost forgotten what it was like. That's my excuse, anyway. That's my totally pathetic excuse for the next two minutes of breathless snogging during which I don't think about Hermione at all because I've got my hands up Lavender's top and she's got her tongue in my mouth. In fact, I can safely say there was no thinking involved whatsoever. God knows what might have happened, because I was pretty carried away there for a while.
Notice I say what might have happened. Because then she tries to shove her hand down my trousers, and I completely freak out. I push her away so hard she falls sideways into a desk, and shout, "What the hell are you doing?"
She's actually got the nerve to look offended. "I thought you wanted -"
"Well, you thought wrong then, didn't you? Jesus Christ, Lavender!"
"Most boys would be pleased if their girlfriends wanted to, you know…."
"Yeah, well, sorry, but you should warn a bloke if you're going to do something like that, that's all!"
I'm so freaked out I start pacing up and down, swearing a lot and not knowing what to do with my hands. She just watches me suspiciously. Then she says, in what she obviously assumes is a sympathetic voice, "I promise I won't laugh."
I stop pacing. "What?" I hadn't even thought about that!
She says, again, "I won't laugh. It's okay to be nervous."
"I'm not nervous!"
"Well, you obviously are, but that's fine. There's other stuff we can do. Whenever you're ready."
"Ready?"
She gets that coy look on her face again. "You know. To show me…."
I'm so horrified I can't actually speak, I just stare at her. There is no fucking way on God's earth I am ever showing her anything. I'd rather chop it off. I back away towards the door and say, "I've got to go now!" My voice sounds really high and panicky in my head.
She follows me out into the corridor and whines, "I thought that's what you wanted…"
There are other people around now. I could really do without having this conversation out here. I shout "Sorry!" over my shoulder and practically run all the way back to Gryffindor Tower to make sure I get there before she does. I just want to get up to my room so I can carry on freaking out without anybody watching.
-----
Of course, the second I get back to the common room I promptly bump into Hermione, who waves and smiles and beckons me over, so I can't even pretend I haven't seen her. She's just about the last person I want to talk to. I always feel like she can read my mind anyway, and now I feel like she can tell where I've been, where my hands have been, where Lavender's hands have been, like she can smell Lavender on me or something. Actually, I feel like I need a bath. I feel sort of dirty, and not in a good way. She can see straight away I'm in a bad mood, so I tell her I've just had a row with Lavender. I don't mention the snogging, which I already feel guilty as hell about. I definitely don't mention anything else that might have happened. Not that that helps. She raises her eyebrows at me.
I say, defensively, "What?"
She says, "Well?"
"Well, what?"
"Oh, my God! Did you tell her?"
"Oh. No."
"No?!"
"No."
She says, "Hah!"
I say "Look, it wasn't like that. I didn't really get a chance -"
She snaps, "Fine!" and is clearly really annoyed with me.
I say "Sorry, I just -"
She says, "It's nothing to do with me what you do!" and picks up her book and starts reading it.
I just stand there like an idiot for a couple of minutes until it starts to get obvious that she's not going to talk to me, then I say, "Well, goodnight, then."
Nothing. No reply. She doesn't even look up. I think it's officially time to brave Stage One.
Apr 19th
Day 19: Hermione didn't speak to me all morning. I spent the whole of Double Potions trying to break down her defences with a lot of pathetic grovelling: "Your potion's much better than mine!" "I'll do that for you!" "Oh, well done, top marks on your essay again!" Then, when none of that seemed to be working, I got a bit desperate and blurted out, "I like your shoes!" (Well, it always worked with Lavender...)
She finally caved in during lunch, after suffering twenty minutes of me practically pleading with her to talk to me again. "Pleeeease say something! I'm really, really sorry! Here, have some potatoes. Do you want any peas? Let me get you the peas. I promise I won't throw them at you this time…" That did it. I could see her struggling not to smile. She said, "Alright! I give in! I'll talk to you, just stop being so nice to me!" I said, pretending to be hurt, "What do you mean? I'm always nice to you!" She just laughed and told me to shut up and pass the potatoes, you idiot. And just like that, the world was good again...
Apr 20th
Day 20: I was going to dump Lavender today, but I've just remembered it's our Apparition test tomorrow, and I can hardly chuck her just before the exam, can I? What if she fails and blames it on me, I'd never hear the last of it. And let's face it, I could do without the distraction myself. No, I'll tell her next week. Just get the Apparition test in the bag first. Yeah.
Apr 22nd
Day 22: Hooray, Lavender has dumped me! Finally! She saw me coming out of the boys' dorm last night with Harry and Hermione, only Harry was wearing his invisibility cloak, so she obviously thought it was just me and Hermione up there and was understandably not very happy about it. She totally freaked out, actually. There was a lot of yelling and crying. Apparently I'm a useless boyfriend (fair enough), a rubbish kisser (again, probably fair enough), she could do a lot better than me anyway (debatable), and I'll be sorry when she's gone. Sorry? I couldn't be happier! It's like a giant weight's been lifted off my back! Alright, I do feel a bit guilty, but probably not as much as I should. Every time I saw her today she burst into tears. I feel like an arsehole but at least it's finally over. Hermione keeps giving me encouraging little smiles.
-----
Oh my God, as well, when Lavender is going mental at me, she shouts, "What were you doing up there alone with her?" and I say, "Nothing", but I'm thinking, it wouldn't have been nothing if I'd had the chance. It certainly wasn't nothing in my head. The whole time we are up there she is sitting on my bed and my imagination just goes into overdrive. I am hardly listening to what either of them are saying. Hermione's talking about You-Know-Who and all I can think is, "She's sitting on my bed!"
-----
Alright, so I'm shallow. Have you been reading this diary? Anyway, I challenge anyone to have stood there with her sitting on their bed - actually leaning back on her elbows at one point - and not have had some immensely shallow thoughts in their head. Harry's talking about serious things and I'm just thinking, "Fuck off, Harry!" Only half-jokingly. Sorry, Harry, mate. When am I going to get ten minutes with her alone with a freaking bed in the room ever again? (Actually, with five beds, but let's not go into that!)
-----
Anyway, it's all over with Lavender, so now I can think about that stuff legally, if you know what I mean. I might even get beyond just thinking about it. Is it bad not even waiting 24 hours since splitting up with Lavender before plotting to jump on Hermione? Well, not plotting. Planning. No, not even planning. Hoping. Thinking about it. And not jumping on. Well, maybe jumping on. More sort of lurching towards. More sort of standing there leaning in that general direction. Leaning with intent. Alright, maybe just standing there imagining it and not actually moving. Anyway, it's pretty bad, either way. But come on, give me a break, I've been waiting years for this! This is the nearest I've ever got. This is definitely the first time I've been pretty much sure she feels the same way. Well, maybe not exactly the same way, she's a nice girl! Jesus, I'm going nuts! I feel really restless. Might get up and go and play myself at chess. Oh my GOD!!
Apr 23rd
Day 23: So much happened the other night I keep remembering bits of it. I'm sure you'll be unsurprised to hear I failed my Apparition test. I was pissed off at the time but now I honestly couldn't give a toss. It seems like years ago already. Oh, and Ginny split up with Dean as well. So it was a good night all round for us Weasleys on the romance front! Can't pretend I'm not pleased about that one too. As long as she doesn't start going out with Seamus. Anyway, that's all old news. You want to know whether anything's happened yet with Hermione, don't you? Whether I've made an idiot of myself by jumping on her or in some other way fucking up? Have some faith! I've not fucked up yet… It's only been two days, there's still plenty of time! For me to fuck up, ha ha...
Apr 24th
Day 24: It's been three whole days! Why can't I do it? There was a perfect chance today and I totally chickened out, it was pathetic. We'd just taken a short cut down some side stairs so there was no-one around, and she was smiling at me for some reason so I asked her, "What are you smiling at? Have I spilt something on myself again?" She said, "I don't know, I'm just happy". I thought, I could do it now… But I didn't. We carried on walking and twenty seconds later we were back in a busy corridor again. And that was it, another chance wasted. I think we've established that it wasn't some moral thing that wouldn't let me kiss Hermione while I was still technically going out with Lavender. I'm just crap.
Apr 25th
Day 25: She's seriously messing with my head this week. We are in Herbology this afternoon when suddenly she touches my arm and makes me nearly jump out of my skin. She says, "There's an ant on your arm." She starts playing with the ant, pushing it about with her finger, which means of course, that she's basically stroking my arm. My heart just about stops beating, I can tell you. I am frozen to my chair. I am really hoping she won't notice that my skin has come up in goosebumps. I'm hoping they'll be hidden by the freckles.
She does notice, of course. She says sorry, she must have cold hands. I say quickly, "Either that or it's a polar ant", and that makes us both laugh, thank Christ, but I am still really fucking tense. She carries on playing with the ant. I'm wishing she would stop, because although I don't want her to take her hand away, it's just about killing me having her touch me and having to just sit there and not do anything about it. Which is when I get this sudden flash of inspiration and I pick up the ant on a piece of parchment and I move it onto her arm instead. And the ant crawls straight back off and onto my arm again. She laughs and says it obviously only likes me and it must be a girl ant.
And then Seamus walks past, sees us looking at this ant on my arm, and obviously thinks it'll be hilarious to whack me on the arm and squash the ant. I call him something offensive that makes her go, "Ron!" and slap my hand, but it's too late, I'm already furious and can't explain why, so of course the moment's completely ruined. She shouldn't go around stroking people's arms like that. I'm sure she has no idea what it does to me. And if she does, she definitely shouldn't do it, unless she wants me to crack and kiss her in front of the whole class!
Apr 26th
Day 26: So I am walking along the corridor between lessons this morning and I hear her calling my name. I stop and wait for her, and she runs up laughing and all out of breath.
She says, "I've been shouting "Ron!" for ages, why do you have to walk so fast?"
I say, "Long legs. Sorry."
She says, "I can always see you coming a mile off."
I laugh, and say something about my hair being like a sodding beacon.
She says, "Sometimes it's like everything else is in black and white and your hair is the only thing in colour."
She stops laughing. She says, "Oh." She blushes. She drops her book. We both go to pick it up at the same time and accidentally bang our heads together. We both say sorry at exactly the same time. We both laugh nervously. We both stand there like idiots grinning at each other. I think if the wind changes I won't be able to stop grinning. My heart is pounding. My head hurts. She's chewing her lip. I can't help staring at her mouth. I think: kiss her. Do it now. Now, you idiot. Now. Now! NOW!
I don't, of course. I am frozen to the spot. I just stand there. Years pass. And then she says, "Anyway, I'd better go, I've got to take this book back to the library." AARGH!!
Apr 27th
Day 27: It was one of those really nice long warm Spring evenings today. She came up to me in the entrance hall after dinner and she was standing in the doorway with the sun streaming through her hair so she looked really good, Jesus, it was all I could do not to jump on her right there! My head actually went all swimmy for a few seconds. She said, "It's a nice evening out, isn't it?" and I said, far too quickly, "Yeah, do you want to go for a walk?" Definitely meaning a walk, too! She said, "Oh, yes, that's a brilliant idea, I don't know why I didn't think of it myself!" and laughed, and then bloody bloody Harry came up behind her and asked, "What's a brilliant idea?" She gave me this little half smile and said, "Ron was just saying it's a nice evening for a walk." Harry said, "Yeah, or for Quidditch practice… that is a brilliant idea, Ron, well done!" And that was my whole evening gone right there. I grinned at them both and tried to pretend I was over the moon about the idea but in my head I was just thinking, "Motherf-!"
Apr 28th
Day 28: Saturday afternoon. I'm in bed. Don't get excited or anything, I'm ill. Must have eaten something last night that disagreed with me because I started feeling really feverish and light-headed halfway through Quidditch practice, and by the time I got back to the common room I was seeing double, so I just went to bed. Woke up a couple of hours later, threw up, and spent the rest of the night with my head in the toilet. Harry offered to go and fetch Madame Pomfrey but I told him not to bother, I'd just sleep it off. It's about four o'clock now. So of course that means I haven't seen Hermione at all today. Harry did bring a message from her, though: "Go to the hospital wing!" Great. If you'd told me yesterday I was going to spend the whole day in bed, this wouldn't exactly have been what I'd had in mind. Honestly, sometimes I wonder if I do it on purpose. Oh, well. Might as well go back to sleep, I suppose. Nighty night.
-----
Later:
Hermione was just here! I'm lying on the bed dozing and I hear someone come in, so I look up, and it's her. She says, "I thought you might be hungry", and brings out from behind her back the frankly fantastic sight of a plateful of cakes.
Me: "Oh, my God, you're wonderful!"
She laughs. "I know!"
She comes over and sits down on the edge of the bed watching me shovelling chocolate cake in my mouth at record speed.
"Slow down, for God's sake, you'll make yourself sick again."
I say, "I don't care" and then, without thinking, "Pull the curtains."
She looks a bit stunned. "What?"
"Pull the curtains!"
(I don't know what got into me, I really don't!)
Anyway, she does, she stands up and pulls the curtains around the bed and then climbs onto the end of it and sits there sideways on with her legs hanging over the edge. Meanwhile, I'm just thinking, shit, we're up here alone and we're sitting on my bed, and she's probably expecting me to kiss her, and my mouth feels like something died in it. Shit, this is perfect, and I can't do it. Not because I'm scared or anything. Just because when I do kiss her - and I mean when, not if - I refuse to be wearing freaking pyjamas.
Desperately trying to keep it light, I offer her a jam tart, and she shakes her head and then starts laughing. I ask what's funny and she says, "I was just imagining Lavender's face if she walked in now. Then she really would have something to complain about!"
I say, "I don't care. I've got you on my side." - covering quickly - "For spells, I mean. You know, if she was going to hex me or something. Sure you won't have a jam tart?"
"Well, maybe just the one."
I give a little cheer and she laughs.
I say, "Bet you can't put a whole one in your mouth."
"Of course I can. Doesn't mean I will, though…"
"Chicken."
"Excuse me, just because you eat like a human dustbin doesn't mean the rest of us should. Honestly, I don't know where you put it all."
I laugh and say, "Like you said, it just goes to my legs!"
And without thinking I stretch out my leg and prod her thigh with my toe. I can see her tense up straight away. There is quite a long and awkward silence during which she stares at her feet and I fiddle with the icing on a slice of Bakewell tart.
-----
Eventually she says, obviously trying to keep it light as well, "Have you been wearing those pyjamas all day?"
"Yeah, why, do I smell or something?"
"Not from here."
"Yeah, you'd better not come any closer!"
I meant that as a joke but really wish I'd phrased it better. Oh, well, might as well go the whole hog:
"I haven't brushed my teeth, either."
She laughs. "Well, that's certainly good to know."
"Actually, I'm not really in a fit state to receive visitors. Maybe you should come back tomorrow when I've had a bath."
Oh my God! Why is it everything we say seems to have some sort of double meaning?
Her: "Well, that is a tempting offer..."
Me, slightly hysterically: "Hahaha! Yeah, I know how to show a girl a good time!"
"That's not what I heard!"
"Well, you'll just have to come back tomorrow and find out, won't you?"
"Yes, I will."
"Yes, you will."
"Okay, then."
"Okay."
We grin at each other then look away quickly. I can hear the blood pounding in my head. There is another quite long silence, then she reaches forward, picks up the last jam tart from the plate, and slowly, carefully, crams the whole thing in her mouth and grins at me. I'm so surprised all I can do is say, "Hey-" and watch her slide off the bed, push the curtains aside, and disappear, laughing as she goes. Jesus. I'm going to make sure I brush my teeth really, really well tomorrow morning!
Apr 29th
Day 29: Sunday night. Nine o' clock. I'm in bed again. Don't get excited. Oh, you weren't? Yeah, I know, I'm starting to think this is never going to happen as well. Basically, didn't wake up 'til half two so was obviously a lot more wiped out than I thought. Had a long bath, brushed my teeth probably better than I've ever brushed them in my life, got dressed in the cleanest, least shit clothes I own - no, not my school uniform. Very funny, though - and just made it downstairs for the last ten minutes of dinner. I sat down opposite her and next to Harry and she said, sounding a bit surprised, "I didn't realise you were coming down for dinner. I was going to bring you up another plate of food." I said, "Nah, I feel loads better, thanks. Anyway, Sunday night's steak and kidney pie night!"
I was halfway through my first helping of pie before I realised that since I'd come downstairs, she now didn't have any excuse to come up. Of course, I hadn't thought about that, I'd just been thinking of my stomach. I couldn't even say anything to her about it, not in front of Harry. Couldn't apologise, couldn't even mention it. After dinner we all went back up to the common room and Harry wanted to talk Quidditch tactics, so I knew straight away I wasn't going to get another opportunity tonight. My best chance, and I wasted it for the sake of two slices of - admittedly very good - steak and kidney pie. I ended up just calling it quits and going to bed at half eight. I was still really tired, and to be honest, I was glad of the excuse. It was really hard sitting there with her and thinking about what might have happened if I wasn't such a great big stupid fucking idiot.
April 30th
Day 30: So… So, this afternoon we are walking back from the library during a free period. Harry is still stalking Malfoy every spare minute he gets, so I actually have that little tosser, of all people, to thank for these once a week opportunities where I get her on her own for a whole hour. We are talking about Paris. She's all happy and excited, and this seems like it might be a good time to ask something I'm still not sure about, that I think I need to be sure about before I can do anything else. I wait for a gap in the conversation and take a deep breath and say, "I need to ask you a question." She stops and turns to face me expectantly. I open my mouth to speak and she interupts. She says, "The answer's yes, by the way." I say, "You don't even know what the question is yet." She says, "Is it a good question?" I say, "That depends on whether there's a good answer." She says, "Is the good answer yes?" I say, "Actually, no, the good answer's no." She says, "Fire away, then!" She is grinning at me. I feel like I'm losing track of this conversation already. I start to speak and she interrupts again. She says, "No!" and laughs. I say, "Can I at least ask the bloody question first?" She says sorry. I feel so hot suddenly I think I might burst into flames. I say, "WhenyouaskedmetogotoParis… ah… did you mean, er, you know... um... justasfriends, or...?" She laughs again. She goes red. I know my face is redder than my hair. She says, "Um…" She looks down at the floor. She says, "That is a good question." I say, "Yeah, but is there a good answer?" She says, "Yes." I say, "Yes?!" She says, "Oh! I mean, no!" She can't seem to stop laughing. I say, "Make your mind up, woman!" And she says, "There's a good answer."
-----
My head swims and I think I might actually faint. My mouth goes dry. I open and close it a few times but that doesn't seem to help. I manage to croak, "Oh… good..." but that seems to be all the instructions I'm getting from my brain. Please don't tell me I'm just going to stand here and not do anything. Please, God. I can hear my breathing. I swear I can even hear myself blinking. And I can't believeI've got the time to actually notice this when she's standing there waiting for me to kiss her, and I am not doing it. I'm not doing anything. We stand there grinning for what seems like forever but is probably only about eight seconds. I tell myself, "Okay, I'm going to do it, I've just got to move my le-" And while I am thinking this, she suddenly steps right up to me and stands on tiptoe and leans up and kisses me on the mouth. Oh my god. OH MY GOD! I can't even write this. I'll just say it again: Oh my god. That's what I'm thinking, in as much as I'm thinking anything at all, because my brain has just exploded. Oh my god, I am kissing Hermione. Oh my god, she's got her hand on the small of my back. Oh my god, I am putting my arms around her waist and pulling her against me. Oh my god, she isn't pushing me away or slapping me or giving any sign of wanting it to stop. Oh my god, I've been waiting my whole life for this moment. Oh my god, you could kill me now and I'd die happy. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my GOD!!
-----
Seconds or minutes or maybe even centuries later, I've no idea, there is a loud cough somewhere nearby and we both jump out of our skins. Bloody Filch is grinning at us about ten feet away. When I remember this moment later, I really don't want him to be in it. He says, "Shouldn't we be in lessons?" She says, "No, we shouldn't. It's a free period. Excuse us" and she grabs my hand (!!) and pulls me down the corridor and round the corner out of his sight. Unfortunately there are loads more people about, so she has to let go again, and anyway the bell goes and we have to go off to bloody lessons. There is the world's most incoherent goodbye where she says, "Oh, um, I'd better... er..." and I say, "Yeah, er, I should…er…"
-----
I haven't been able to get her on her own since. When I see her again later on in the common room with Harry we can't even look at each other, let alone anything else. Harry notices we're both almost mute, which has never happened before, and assumes we've had a row. I'm so wired I can't stop drumming my foot on the floor. Apart from that the evening is a complete blank. Possibly I'm in shock. I can't think about anything else apart from kissing her again. I can't sit still. I can't concentrate on anything. I am going mental. If you expect me to get any sleep at all tonight, you've got another think coming! Bloody hell!
P.s: I thought I did well there, writing everything down in the right order and all, building the tension, ha ha! 'Cos I really just wanted to write SHE KISSED ME!! I KISSED HER!! I KISSED HERMIONE!! ON THE MOUTH AND EVERYTHING!! OH! MY!! GOD!!
Yes, I know it's not canon, but hey, it could have happened, right? Anyway, I wrote this before Book 7 came out, and at that point there were plenty of people who suspected, as I did, that something was secretly going on between them in the last few chapters. And then, of course, Deathly Hallows disabused us all of that happy notion. I still think my version's better! Ah, she should have just let me write the last book. I wouldn't have written that godawful Epilogue, for a start...
Next: May, and Ron's happy for a change. Hope you enjoyed and please review! PB x