A/N: I don't write screen plays for Neighbours. If you miss one of my chapters, I cannot guarantee that you'll ever know what the heck is going on.

Just to clear one thing up for you because it's been a while: The prologue of this story started straight after 'Love Forever After' and before 'FOWLED'. This is what would've happened if J Gander Hooter had gone along with the mayor's plan to trial mind control. (Which is what the phone call was about that interrupted Hooter's late night case file musings). This tangent universe started before Darkwing interfered with Steelbeak's experiments.

If Darkwing had been a vampire, young Honker wouldn't be feeling so insecure as he goes to see ...

The Mad Hatter

The trio ventured down the mall and stepped through the door into the Mad Hatter Emporium. They were instantly in another world. On sale were magic tricks and poker chips, gift cards and joker decks. Halloween costumes and party favours, macabre or merely fanciful. The store was bigger than they expected and as they got to the third tier, they found in a large exclusive self labeled display cabinet were the Quackerjack branded toys.

"Huh." Scarlet read the labels. "They don't seem so dangerous now I'm grown up."
"Mister History Buff doll." Honker pointed. "I never had a problem with him personally." He said. "I merely deferred to everyone else's opinion."

"That toy nearly killed me once, believe it or not." Drake informed Honker. "Now this one's my favourite." Drake pointed, taking a trip down memory lane. "Nobody touch the blow up clown, because he really blows up."
Scarlet giggled. "I remember that thing nearly killed us once."
"A few more close calls for me." The adult reminisced and continued to stare at the various toys with Scarlet and Honker. "I would say the one that would be a good buy would be the clown doll." He pointed to the happy smiling toy in the far corner.
"Why, what does that one do, dad?" Scarlet asked nervously.

"Woohoo, do you really wanna know?" A voice with a lark in it rang out from nearby.

"Quackerjack!" Scarlet exclaimed as she and Honker turned to stare at the jester.
"It has spring loaded cleavers." Drake answered Scarlet as if he hadn't just heard the voice of one of his old arch enemies. "It'd do a great job in the kitchen. Or the garden, perhaps?"
"If you think it's so useful, why aren't you interested in actually purchasing it?" Quackerjack came and stood right beside them.
"I beg your pardon?" Drake finally looked up at the jester. Honker frowned and glanced at Scarlet. She was still watching Quackerjack.
"I can't improve my products if I don't listen to feedback from my customers or potential customers like you." Quackerjack explained. "You just said you like the toy, but you aren't going buy the toy ..." He frowned. "What's-up-with-that?" Quackerjack paused for a moment and he pulled out his familiar Mr. Banana Brain doll, looking for an answer. "Are you out of bucks, ducks?"
"After just half a night of shopping?" The mallard glanced at Scarlet's bag. "Is there jewelry in there, hon?"
"No, I haven't found an alchemy store yet, dad."
"Then I don't think so, Quackerjack." Scarlet's father concluded. "But I really wanna know," the mallard's dark voice suddenly turned thickly menacing, "which person was it that died and made you sane?"
"Nobody died. Sort of." Quackerjack shrugged, calmly putting his doll away.

"Sanity is a question of degrees, dad." Scarlet cooed quietly aside to her father. "He only looks sane to you; he actually isn't."
" 'Nobody died sort of'?" Honker repeated loudly. "What's that mean exactly, sir?"
"It's all a game of statistics!" Quackerjack announced. "My toys sell the most on Thursday nights. What does that tell you folks?"
"That tells me vampires, which matches your 'nobody died sort of' statement since that what happens to people who become vampires." Scarlet's father mused sounding more like himself, "but then again perhaps I've watched too many of my daughter's TV shows?" He countered his earlier thought, sounding like someone else entirely.
Quackerjack blinked at Drake, a thoughtful look on his face. "Well you guessed right. Hey, don't I know you?"
"I don't see how." Drake answered in a hollow voice. "We've just moved here to St. Canard."

Quackerjack shrugged the feeling of familiarity off. "Anyway, it was a breakthrough for me! You see it so happens that vampires have sharp teeth." He pointed at his beak.
"So I've been taught." Drake humoured Quackerjack.
"And, like my clown doll, most of my toys are also sharp!" Quackerjack announced like it was a flash bulletin. "Coincidence? I think not!" His out of kilter laugh filled the otherwise solemn curiosities shop. "Vampires buy my toys but only if I put them on sale in a store that they like to come in." He grinned and gestured to the Emporium around them. "A shop like this!"
Honker felt the feathers on the back of his neck prickle. He glanced around at the other occupants in the shop, now feeling a trifle more nervous than he had while merely conversing with an ex-criminal. At this point of time he realised he was completely unarmed and the ex-crime-fighter didn't fill him with any confidence of safety.
"You ..." Scarlet's father hesitated, "you don't mind vampires, Quackerjack?"
"I love vampires!" Quackerjack grinned. "They're my best customers."

Honker looked around the shop at his fellow browsers cast in dark shadows, remembering his father and how he'd died helpless, feeling into his pockets and knowing that he, Honker, was unarmed too. Of course, a conventional weapon would only arouse a vampire's attention anyway, but ... Honker looked into Quackerjack's cupboard again. There were plenty of weapons right near his fingertips. Surely there was one that would provide him with some security?

Quackerjack paused "I'm sure I know you from somewhere."

In silent triumph, Honker put his fingers to the toy cabinet's door and pressed the corner to release the magnetic catch. It squeaked as he opened it and he pulled out the Mr. History Buff doll. The door clicked as he closed it. Now he would not be defeated so easily!

"Honker?" Drake asked, looking up at him.
Honker realised all three ducks were looking at him and he felt himself blush. "Er, it's for my brother's birthday, Mr. Macawber." Honker smiled guiltily back at them all. "I didn't mean to interrupt your conversation."
Scarlet giggled. "Way to go, Honk." She approved of his choice. No doubt she was visualising Honker doing something malicious with the torture doll. "Good thinking."
"That thing's dangerous!" Her father warned. No doubt he was visualising the exact same thing.

"Oh, yeah, that's funny, coming from you, dad!" Scarlet rounded on her father and began lecturing him. "Do you remember the time you decided to 'help out' Lillipula city with the rabbit master chef cook off?"
"Anybody could've made that mistake!" The mallard whimpered.
"Uh-uh. It wasn't just anyone, dad; it was you." She rolled her eyes. "It was horrible, Honk; I had to erase a hundred and ninety seven audience members' memories not to mention the stage crew and then I had to doctor the tapes of the show. It was just lucky for us it wasn't being broadcast live!" Scarlet looked at Honker. "I could really have used your help on that one, Honk. It took me all night to make the fake ending even half believable. Then mum and I spent the next few days-."
"Okay! Scarlet! Honey, you've made your point!" Her father rubbed his face. "Please don't go on, I-."

There was a shout outside the shop which made the ex-crime-fighter stop speaking and instinctively bolt for the door. He ripped the door open and practically flew out of sight.

"D'oh, I was wondering how I knew him!" Quackerjack quacked as realisation hit him. "That's Darkwing Duck!"
"Darkwing Duck's dead." Scarlet insisted. "You're seeing ghosts, Quackerjack."

Quackerjack blinked at Scarlet and Honker for a moment and then leapt for the door. He pulled it open and raced out into the mall almost half as fast as Phantom Duck.

Honker turned and calmly headed for the counter with his new toy. Between the doll's protective ability and the knowledge that Scarlet's dad still sprang to action on hearing a cry for help, Honker was feeling his world was once again a much safer place to live.

A/N: "What's up with that?"

A/N: "What's up with that?" Is an extremely annoying line Quackerjack kept saying in a fanfic YouTube video I recently watched. He said it so many times it actually started being funny! "What's up with that?" There's another line that they impressed on my brain and it's been going through my head for like the whole entire week. But I can't even tell you because I'm not inclined to use bad language while I'm posting under a T rating.

"What's up with that?"

You Tube (M rated for sure):

/watch?v=AGzEJKhOElk&list=FLOuLsLmnhvwldyKcIaSYiAA&index=20