A/N: Thank you for all your encouragements! I'm glad you're ok(?) with the last chapter!
Oh wow, er, what a loooong chapter. Sorry for making you stare at the computer screen...eye drops? Read it in sections? Well, I'll be MIA for awhile due to exams and whatnot so I've decided to post this now. Happy Thanksgiving! Or just simply happy weekend!
If you think last chapter is bad...well... Chapter title suggests it all - it's Mio's chapter.
Warning: Violence, suggestive themes and cruel nature of certain people ahead. But of course, still within T rating, hopefully.
Disclaimer: I don't own K-on.
Inside my heart is a little girl
Who wants nothing but fluffy, shiny, pure things
Please speak kindly
To that girl
Even if you can't see it
That is the real me... It's me, Call me
Chapter 9 – Hello Little Girl
Mio ran and ran, ignoring the tears that were obscuring her vision. She did not know where she was going – all she knew was that she needed to get away from the warehouse, away from her friends, away … from Ritsu.
Each of Ritsu's words had stabbed her deeply, very deeply, into her old wounds, and the drowning feelings came pouring out once again in an unstoppable tide –
0-0-0-0-0-0
A girl with long, glossy black hair slowly walked home with her head hung, sniffling. She did not understand why the girls at her school were so mean to her…and how they could so deliberately cruel.
Mio was sure that she had done nothing to antagonize them – all she did was sitting by herself quietly, reading books and barely even talking to anyone. The only people she talked to were some of the boys who seemed intent on interrupting her reading time, always chatting up to her. She was not used to talking to boys – after all, Ritsu was always there beside her, ready to defend her. Mio did not have any fond memories of boys either. And so, Mio always spoke to them politely, hoping they would get the message and just leave her alone. Yet, that seemed to have attracted their attention even more.
Consequently, Mio had been targeted by those girls ever since. It was nothing like the pranks she had to endure in elementary school. No, there were degrading taunt scribbled on her desk, garbage stuffed in her backpack, and her shoes stolen. She simply did not understand why.
Stopping in front of a familiar house, Mio called out softly.
"Ritsu?"
No response.
Shoulders slumped, Mio stared at the blank nameplate miserably.
Every day, she would walk by the Tainaka's old house, hoping, praying to see that familiar figure. She had even asked around the neighborhood, wishing for some sort of clue that would tell her best friend's whereabouts. But no one knew.
Even then, she would still call out the girl's name, hoping to hear an answer, anything. But of course, there was nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
"Ritsu… please. I-I promise I won't get mad at you i-if you jump out from the bushes or s-something. I-I promise I-I won't hit you, so p-please, just come out."
Only silence answered her plea.
"It-it's not funny…p-please stop hiding… I-I really want to see you," tears leaked out of her eyes and the more she tried to wipe them away, the more she cried. Her heart constricted in pain; she was sobbing so hard that her body shook in great tremors.
"R-Ritsu…w-where are you?"
Despite her hope, despite her prayer, Mio knew the amber-eyed girl would not appear. Ritsu had never left her alone to cry; at the hint of a sob, Ritsu would immediately try to cheer her up or simply comfort her.
Yet after so long, Ritsu never appeared.
Even though the truth was right before her eyes, Mio still refused to believe that her best friend would not return. It must be related to her father's work, that he was relocated, or they were visiting a relative or even on vacation.
There was just no way Ritsu would not leave without saying goodbye.
Each day Mio told herself that, and each day the crevices in her heart were carved wider and deeper.
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
Mio gritted her teeth, swallowing a sob before it could get out. It had been so long ago. Yet why did it still hurt so much? Why did it still hurt at all?
Why was she so weak that she couldn't even forget this?
Why was she so naïve?
How could she have been so stupid?
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
Mio found herself walking down the familiar path again. It had been two months since the beginning of middle school. Her parents went to work overseas not too long ago, leaving her with a relative who was rarely home. Her parents had wanted to bring her along, yet Mio refused, saying that Ritsu could be back any time.
The Akiyamas were exasperated and had never seen their daughter so stubborn. But gradually, under Mio's continuous pleas, they had agreed.
Mio had no idea how much her simple refusal to go abroad would change her life.
She had not expected the loneliness to be so overwhelming, without her parents around. The bullying was getting more and more malicious – the girls were starting to lie to her, tricking her into feeling as if she was one of them and then betrayed her in a flourish, embarrassing her in front of the whole class, sabotaging her tests and ruining her projects. There were so many deceits and fake smiles that she no longer knew what were real and what was not.
All those pretentious friends immediately abandoned her whenever her 'usefulness' ran out. Mio was getting really weary of the whole thing – yet the minuscule hope of seeing Ritsu again kept her going, keeping up her usual personality the best she could. She still had something to tell her best friend, and she still had something to give to her. Too precious to bring to school, Mio had kept the photo album safe in her drawer at home, flipping through it every now and then.
She hoped Ritsu's bright smiles would give her the courage she needed to get through each day.
Her heart sped up when she noticed light in the distance. Staring at it for a few moments in disbelief, Mio then ran towards the house as fast as she could.
There was light! The lights at Ritsu's house were finally turned on! Ritsu's back…She's finally back!
Panting, Mio leaned against the wall and rang the doorbell. She could barely contain her excitement. She could almost see the mischievous grin on Ritsu's face.
The door slid open, and Mio took a step forward, smiling for the first time after so long, "Ritsu! I-"
The smile fell off her face, her body turning cold as an old couple answered the door, confused. "How may we help you?"
"U-um, no. I'm sorry I seemed to have gotten to wrong address. Sorry to bother you," Mio managed to squeeze out the words politely.
She slowly walked back out, her mind numb and empty. She glanced at the nameplate, which she had failed to notice on her way there.
An unfamiliar name.
A name that did not say 'Tainaka'.
Ritsu…she's really gone. She's never coming back again. I will not…see her again.
The permanence of this harsh reality drenched Mio's battered, shattered heart. Tainaka Ritsu was gone. And she will never get to talk to Ritsu again.
Now, she was truly alone.
She will need to face everything by herself.
Mio crouched down, hugging her knees close and wept.
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
"Mio!"
The black-haired girl flinched, stunned at the voice of Tainaka Ritsu approaching her at a frightening speed. Instinctively, Mio slipped into the alleyways, hiding in the shades of one of the dumpsters.
A familiar figure stopped at the alley, amber eyes darting around frantically.
Mio stared at the girl as if she had never seen her before; anger, hatred and something extremely painful yet unidentifiable surged through her heart as she took in the sight before her.
Years ago, she would have run out and thrown her arms around the girl.
But now, Ritsu was the last person she wanted to see.
Why did you even bother running after me? I heard you, loud and clear. You don't need to explain.
Mio bit her lips, trying to muffle the embarrassing hitched cries that just won't stop.
No, I don't want you to see me like this.
Much to her relief (and disappointment? Yea right), Ritsu finally moved on, running down the street in the opposite direction. Sighing shakily, Mio slid down against the wall, drained of energy.
What now? What can she do now?
Where should she go?
...back to Hayabusa? No, never.
She tried to think of anything other place she could go to, yet, she couldn't.
Without Sakuragaoka, without the band or even Hayabusa... Akiyama Mio was nothing. She had no place to go to.
How pathetic. She laughed wryly.
"No one would miss you, little girl. Just have some fun with us."
Her eyes widened as her hands started to shake. She scrambled to get up, and began to run again in staggering steps.
But it was no use. That particular memory she had locked away for so long was seeping out of its confines, taunting her, and viciously reminding her of her weakness. She ran and and ran, wiping her tears but much to her mortification, more and more came out.
"Give it up. You can't run away."
Nothing really changed, has it? She was still that same weak girl, who couldn't even protect herself –
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
Now that Mio knew her best friend wasn't coming back, she had shut her emotions deep within the chasms of her heart. That little girl who could only cry.
So in the eyes of others, she was practically a robot. A broken robot.
She went to school on auto-pilot and did not react at all from any provocation. The boys were brushed off by her indifferent behavior and unsettling silence, no longer interested now that she did not even blush or stutter cutely. Gradually, the girls no longer found her submissive behavior funny and practically just ignored her existence altogether.
Mio had thought this will be her life for the rest of middle school, just floating through each day without really knowing what she was doing, or what had happened around her.
But one day, she was brutally reminded of how cruel people could be.
It should have just been like any other day, that she would just pack up her things and walk home after school. Yet, she suddenly found herself cornered by a particular group of older girls in a secluded classroom. Just where did the rest of people go?
Not that it would make a difference.
"So you're the infamous teacher's pet. My little sister's told me all about you. Just who do you think you are, little girl? Everyone is being so…friendly to you, yet you are so antisocial!" One of the girls smirked, lifting her chin up. "That's not the right attitude, is it?"
Mio only stared blankly at her tormentor, who scowled at her silence.
"Come on, little girl, say something. You mute?" Another one piped up, texting in her phone boredly.
Out of the blue, the first girl slapped Mio. The other girls winced at the loud sound, but then they all laughed. Yet Mio still gave no outward reaction. All she wanted was to go home and look through the photo album again and again. She tried to ignore the stinging pain on her cheek; usually she would be in tears already, but she just felt so numb.
She felt nothing...or so she thought.
The leader glared at Mio thoughtfully. A malevolent smile gradually formed on her face. "Girls, why don't we help give Akiyama-san a make-over?"
Mio blinked, her heart jolting uneasily. Seeing some sort of reaction, the leader's eyes lit up, "I think she's agreeing, no? Pass the scissors."
Mio backed away, trying to process what was happening. Several hands reached out and held her in place even though she tried to shake them off. The leader sneered gleefully at her panic.
"It must be bothersome to keep your hair so long. Let me help you get rid of it."
"Mio, your hair is so black and straight and pretty!" A familiar yet faded voice echoed in Mio's mind. She started struggling again, but she was simply outnumbered.
Trapped.
Several snippets later, Mio's hair now barely reached her shoulders. Hands let go of her, and she dropped onto the ground, her legs no longer able to support her.
She was in such state of shock that she hadn't even contemplate about running away.
And the brief moment of indecision had cost her gravely.
The classroom door opened with a loud bang.
The leader of the girls only tilted her head at the newcomers. One of her friends piped up again. "I called them here! They said they were bored, so this should get a rise out of Akiyama for sure!"
The other girls looked uncertain, but they still looked to their leader for a decision.
"Are you sure you should be here? We just formed not too long ago so you should be more careful before showing off your tattoo like that. We don't want people to know us, at least not yet."
"I'm the leader and I'll do whatever I want," a tall brute cracked his neck, rolling his shoulders.
The girl shrugged, tossing the scissors onto the ground, now having lost interest. "Alright, if cutting her hair doesn't work I don't know what will. She's all yours, hon."
He smirked at the girl's words, "Oh don't worry, I'll have fun with her alright."
"Haha, this is great. Well, no one's gonna miss you, little girl, so have some fun with us, alright?" One of the other brutes guffawed, taking off his jacket.
"Yea, don't even bother resisting us."
"Give it up. You can't run away."
The thugs started to approach Mio after the other girls left. Mio could only hear the pounding of her heart, while everything else seemed hazy and unrealistic; it was as if she was watching this event from somewhere else. Tears slid down her cheeks as she quivered, unable to even stand up.
She understood what was happening.
She understood what was going to happen.
Yet, she still couldn't move. She simply could not muster up the strength to make a sound, to scream.
Paralyzed. Helpless.
No.
Mio could only stare fearfully as hands reached out and stroked her face.
No!
She could only whimper as hands pinned her down.
Stop!
She could only clench her eyes shut when she felt hands on her uniform.
Somebody. Help me. Please.
"I want you to look at me, little girl," the thug laughed and licked his lips, his eyes roaming over her disheveled shirt and hiked-up skirt.
Trembling, Mio opened her eyes when the thug gripped her chin painfully. Her breathing hitched at the sight of sneering faces surrounding her, and the lust-filled stare of the boy before her.
She will never forget this sight. A tattoo of a wolf swallowing a crescent moon, on his chest.
"Good girl." He leaned closer, almost on top of her.
No no no no no no no no no no nonononononono help me Ritsu–
"Aniki, someone's coming down the hallway!" The sentry thug whispered urgently. The leader of the thugs groaned in frustration. He released her chin and stood up reluctantly.
"Tsk. I was just saying it but we really can't be discovered now. Consider yourself lucky, little girl. We'll definitely be seeing you again."
They were gone the next moment, yet Mio did not feel relieved.
She was still on the ground, unmoving. Tears were still rolling down her cheeks and her eyes were still empty.
Something in her broke that day.
It wasn't just because what had almost happened, it was also the fact that she could not do anything.
No, she did not do anything.
She had prayed for help, not even thinking about fighting back.
She was too dependent on Ritsu, calling for her even though she knew nothing would happen.
Mio slowly sat up, adjusting her skirt absentmindedly.
Weak. All I do is cry. I can't do anything on my own. This 'me'…I don't need.
She held a hand to her red cheek as humorless chuckles left her curved lips.
The classroom door slid open, revealing a startled teacher. Mio still laughed and laughed even as tears continuously streamed down her cheeks. She didn't care about her image anymore.
She no longer cared.
Mio ignored the teacher's surprised and worried inquiries, simply walking out of the classroom without a second glance. She did not even bother to button up her shirt. She walked to her locker and took out the only clean piece of clothing in there – a purple hoodie.
After putting it on, with the hood covering her uneven hair, Mio walked out of her school.
It was the day she cast away the old Akiyama Mio, and sank into the muddy depth of darkness.
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
Mio kicked an empty crate in livid rage and shame, her hands clenched in her pockets. She can still feel that terror, the feeling as if you lost control of your own limbs. She can still see that image, burned so vividly in her mind. If it weren't for that teacher randomly passing by…
Useless. Ritsu was right about me.
Chuckling sardonically, Mio recalled the days after that – how some of the students began spreading the rumor that she had slept with that teacher, and that was the reason for her good grades. Each day was more and more torturous, for she had to hide and avoid those thugs and older girls.
And Ritsu… was part of that gang. That tattoo...there's no mistake about that. Well, she belonged to the main one in the city and joined later... she didn't really have anything to do with them, I suppose.
A dark smile graced her features as she walked past a heavily graffiti'd wall. Under many layers of paint, she could still spot a faded purple letter.
The very first graffiti she had done.
But if that had never happened, I wouldn't have…joined Hayabusa, and I wouldn't have learned how to fight.
Hit by sudden inspiration, she grabbed one of the cans on the ground and covered the wall in huge cursive letters.
Thinking is a heavy price for living. What did you get in return?
What indeed. Meaningless laughs left Mio's lips as she stared at her own creation. She did not even know what she just wrote, yet each letter seemed to reflect her repressed emotions somehow.
Sometimes, it's better not to have any thoughts, isn't it? You'll be able to do whatever you want... She smirked.
"P-Please...don't kill me..."
Mio slapped a hand over her mouth, suddenly nauseous. No, I've told myself long ago... no matter how painful it is, I must have conscience...to stop myself...
Frowning, she quickened her pace once again, wanting to get away from the wall, away from the flood of memory and the guilt that accompanied it -
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
Mio had just avoided one of the thugs she recognized as a member of that gang. She had learned to keep her cool but in exchange, she had ripped out her emotions. She hadn't cried since that day, but she hadn't smiled or laughed either. There was nothing but anger. Nothing...but the need to vent out her pain.
She kicked over the empty cans on the ground, stepping on them, trying to crush them. Then she noticed a particular can - a spray paint. Impulsively, even before she realized it, she had already graffiti'd the wall.
"You'll Pay Some Day"
Satisfied with her work, Mio laughed, her eyes glazing over. Yes, they will all pay someday. They will suffer.
"Not bad, not bad at all. I didn't know you have it in you, with the way you are at school, Akiyama."
Mio turned her head, vaguely recognizing the speaker as Tachibana Himeko.
The softball captain was the only reason Mio was not targeted in PE class. Even though Himeko never stopped the bullying, she took all the sports practices seriously and her presence alone was enough to let the other classmates behave in that class, giving Mio a temporary relief.
Himeko, who neither saved her nor made her life miserable...what did she want now?
Shrugging, the kogal walked away, "You seemed to want revenge, Akiyama. I know someone who can help you achieve that. Follow me."
Extremely distrustful, yet thirsting for some sort of closure, Mio kept a careful distance as she followed Himeko.
And so she was introduced to the leader of Hayabusa - Sokabe Megumi.
The girl with flowing orange-blond hair was two years older than them, and did not look like a gang leader at all. Yet, the way she talked and acted - it was no doubt she was the boss. Except when she was alone with Mio - the serious mask dropped, revealing someone who was actually studious and liked cute things. Sokabe-senpai took an instant liking to the black-haired girl, something about how cute she was.
Mio was very uncomfortable with the affections at first. She had become so distrustful of people that she just couldn't bring herself to trust anyone.
Yet, soon enough, Mio understood that Sokabe-senpai...or even other members of the gang were not so different from her after all.
When Sokabe-senpai heard about Mio's situation from Tachibana, the leader of Hayabusa let her dark side shown.
"You want revenge, Akiyama-san?"
Mio did not answer, but the answer was obvious enough in her smoldering grey eyes.
An amused smile appeared on Sokabe-senpai's face. "We can help you with that, Akiyama-san. We know the people with the wolf tattoo."
She snapped her fingers. "Tatsuya."
A tall boy with dyed cadmium hair walked out from the shadows, a hawk tattoo displayed proudly on his chest. He immediately gave her a dirty look. Mio returned the glare.
"Teach Akiyama-san how to fight." Megumi's soft yet fierce voice left no room for argument.
Ever since then, Mio had been going to the Hayabusa hideout. The gang, especially Megumi, was surprised at the speed she was learning kickboxing. Mio had a goal in mind, even though she was driven by nothing but anger. She had personally gone through all the trouble to fight against her childhood phobia - ghosts? Barnacles? Ha, how ridiculous. Such silly fears were nothing compared to the cruelty of reality.
Tatsuya had been rather gleeful in helping her get over her phobia - through various trials that would have petrified the old Akiyama Mio.
But not the new her.
No, even as Tatsuya's "tests" got more vicious and downright torturous, Mio endured everything and proved everyone wrong.
This was the new Akiyama Mio, who feared nothing.
Weeks and months went by. Mio became more and more involved with the gang, doing what she was told as long as it could vent out her frustrations. She would not call the fellow gang members her friends, definitely not, but she could feel it, from the way they talk and fight - they were all like her. Ostracized by peers or simply bored with life, Mio felt somewhat comfortable with this new environment.
At least it was something she could relate to.
She loved the way people started to avoid her in school. She was no longer bothered. She inspired fear in her peers.
Not that she cared or anything.
When Mio was finally deemed good enough, Megumi brought her along to the gang's hideouts. Recognizing her tormentors, Mio immediately attacked, much to the shock of those thugs.
At every kick and every scream of pain, Mio laughed again and again, ignoring the suffocating feeling around her. Faint protest at the back of her mind was quickly smothered by the sheer glee as she inflicted pain on these gang members.
It was too late. She could not go back.
"Rnnng... stop it..."
She enjoyed this. It was extremely satisfying.
"D-don't kill me...please..."
She no longer need to call for help.
Bones snapping. A bored scoff.
She'd had her revenge.
And there was a hollow feeling at where her heart should be.
She wanted more - whenever she fought, her mind became so numb and blank that it would not stray would only be focused on fighting. She would not have to think.
She would not be thinking about Tainaka Ritsu.
As Mio stood there, surrounded by fallen thugs with blood on her shoes, Megumi approached her, smiling appreciatively. "You've achieved your goal, Akiyama-san. I love the way you fight...yes, very elegant yet deadly," a girlish giggle echoed in the deathly silent hideout.
All of the Hayabusa's attention was on the black-haired girl and and their leader. Tachibana had an admiring look, even Tatsuya smirked in grudging approval.
Sokabe Megumi's voice was velvet-soft, yet it also felt like steel. "But it's up to you to stay with us or not. What do you think?"
Mio did not answer, but she looked at the leader straight in the eye and smiled back.
A malicious, arrogant smile.
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
Mio stopped abruptly, leaning against the wall holding her stomach in pain. Taka must have injured her more than she'd thought. She forced herself to continue walking, wanting to get out of this never-ending valley that kept bringing back the memories she had buried. She fondly recalled the strange but kind Sokabe-senpai - she was forever grateful to the older girl, even after all that had happened.
At least she had treated Mio as someone akin to a friend, an equal, something Mio appreciated more than anything.
It made her feel that maybe, just maybe, not everyone was cruel. Even Tachibana's aloof nature was somewhat relaxing to her.
But Sokabe-senpai had graduated soon after and went to a foreign country, studying abroad. Her cousin Tatsuya then succeeded the gang and called himself 'Taka'.
And everything went down hill.
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
Mio had stayed with Hayabusa because she got to fight people, just for the thrill of it, just for the satisfaction of causing others pain. Several months had passed since she joined Hayabusa, and she had done many, many things. Deliberately cruel things.
Her anger at that rival gang had intensified, especially when the other members learned about her and sent more people to fight Hayabusa.
Not that Mio considered the Hayabusa members her friends, but to oppose Hayabusa - she saw it as defiance, denying her existence. It was an outlet, an excuse.
She gladly took the challenge.
Together with Taka and Tachibana, they led many gruesome fights, searching for her former tormentors' hideout, completely destroying the places and thoroughly incapacitating the gang. Whenever she came across gangs with that same wolf tattoo, Mio would take her time in fighting them, slowly and spitefully until they dropped onto the ground, bloody and unmoving.
She only stared in indifference as Taka tortured the captives, breaking their bones one by one.
She did absolutely nothing, the screams and pleas for help did not reach her cold, unfeeling heart.
The feeble protest from the depth of her mind was lost in tides of buzzing numbness.
But Taka was nothing like Megumi, and finally Mio started to get sick of the way he handled things.
Mio's conscience at last showed its defiance when Taka had ordered her to kick the captives into the deep river, practically sentencing them to their deaths in those gushing torrents.
It was outright murder, Mio's mind screamed. But if she didn't do it, the others will.
She stared at the horrified expressions on their filthy, bloody faces. Faces of people not much older or younger than her. Faces of people who were lost just like her.
They were all the same - and she had become one of them, the very people she had despised, the very people who sought amusement from other people's anguish.
She felt violently sick at her discovery.
Making up her mind, Mio had discreetly passed pocket knives to the captives whose hands were bounded.
She averted her eyes from their surprised yet grateful looks. No, don't thank me. I've done nothing. I don't deserve it.
Before any of the Hayabusa can realize what was going on, she quickly pushed the captives into the river.
The next day after that, Taka announced his disappointment that nothing had appeared on the news, nothing about unidentified bodies. Mio had been so relieved then, which brought all the suspicion onto her.
When Mio proclaimed that she wanted to leave the gang, Taka only laughed. He had always hated her and didn't even want to bother with her, so he merely gave her a condition - she had to go to the city and find out more about this gang with the wolf tattoo. Apparently, there was a main one, the real gang- Ookami. It sounded simple enough, and Mio went to the city where Ookami's main gang was rumored to be located.
It was by chance she had discovered the hideout. She had followed two girls riding on a black bike - the confidence and the mere aura surrounding them made her suspicious. And she was right to be.
As expected of the gang that frequently appeared on the news, their hideout was nothing like their branch gang.
It was large and spacious, filled with motorbikes and many, many members. Mio was very careful, stealthily observing the gang. One of the girls, who was wearing black helmet, spoke to the shorter girl with curly hair done in two low ponytails. The latter then jumped off the bike, playing with a blade in her hand.
Mio had to hide behind a crate when the biker zoomed by her, oblivious to her presence. After making sure she was not discovered, Mio peeked in again, seeing the blade-girl giving orders to other people. All the members seemed to listen to her obediently, and so Mio decided that this must be the main gang's hideout.
After passing on the information to Taka, Mio left the gang, warning him that she will not hold herself back if he sent people after her. Taka had only smirked, saying that this was not the last she will see of Hayabusa.
And he was absolutely right.
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That was the wisest choice I had ever done, Mio thought darkly. Yet, it was too late for me. Even thought I left Hayabusa, even though I stopped seeking fights, I no longer knew how to treat people. I did not trust anyone. I still kept my distance from everyone.
Some of the newer members of Hayabusa viewed her as traitor and still bothered her, but Mio had disposed of them easily. Her remaining days at middle school was filled with nothing but fights. Every day was like a blur to her. People no longer dared to oppose her but in return, their alienation and contempt were just as painful.
She had actually tried to be friendly, yet she was aghast to discover that she could not. She could not even muster a simple smile on her face.
The gravity of her past actions really struck her.
There was no changing it. She had changed too much already.
But regret changed nothing.
When she entered Sakuragaoka, she had hoped that the same thing would not happen. Most of the students came from other private schools - there weren't anyone she knew from her middle school. Yet people still avoided her, even though she tried hard to make herself less intimidating.
Mio could not even bear to think what would have happened if she had not become friends with the kind Kotobuki Tsumugi...
It's too late. Now that Mugi and the others knew I was part of Hayabusa. Now they knew what I did.
Mio could still see her friends' stunned expressions...and Ritsu's disdainful glare.
It's over. Now they know. They won't trust me ever again. And Ritsu...
Before Mio realized it, her legs gave away. She simply crouched there, burying her head in her knees. She had no idea where she was now - somewhere near a tall building? And the sky was darkening already... how much time had already passed?
Stop crying! There's nothing to cry about. You brought this onto yourself. She repeated it in her mind over and over again, but her tears would just not stop, much to her exasperation.
Why am I so weak? She sobbed breathlessly. Ritsu saw through me. She was right - I had changed yet I didn't at the same time... I'll forever be that pathetic little girl -
Tired panting, heavy steps.
A hand landed on shoulder suddenly. Mio flung it away in reflex.
"Don't touch me!"
She stood up, wiping her face hastily before turning around.
Her eyes widened.
Ritsu only stood there wordlessly, her bangs covering her eyes. She was gasping for air, her shoulders going up and down in exertion. Her shirt was dampened with sweat.
Was she looking for me... all this time? Why? Why don't you just leave me alone?
Taking a deep breath, Ritsu finally looked up, her sharp amber eyes completely focused on her.
Mio backed away, averting her gaze. Don't look at me...don't look at me like that, Ritsu! I don't want to see your pity...I don't want to see your guilt...
She almost stumbled when pain shot up from her stomach, making her whimper before she could stop herself. She felt Ritsu grasping her wrist. Instinctively, she flung away her arm, ignoring the pain rolling through her stomach in waves.
Ritsu's hurtful words kept repeating in her mind like a broken recorder, clouding her thoughts. The anger and hatred were re-ignited again. She did not want to be anywhere near Ritsu. Yet she was really tired of the pain, really tired of all these negative, taxing emotions -
Ritsu stepped closer, her expression still unreadable.
It was very intimidating, and Mio found herself flinching under such a fierce stare. Of course, Ritsu was part of the Ookami...part of them...that tattoo...
Ritsu was pulling her arm again, this time firmly and leaving no room for escape. Mio wanted to run, to hit Ritsu even, but the pain was slowly overwhelming her senses. She just did not know whether it was the pain from her wound or the pain in her heart.
Before she knew it, she found herself being led upstairs in a familiar apartment. She then realized that, even after all that aimless running and avoiding Ritsu, she had somehow ended up in front of the girl's apartment.
Why! Why can't I just let go?
Ritsu gently sat Mio down on her couch, and took out a first-aid kit from the bathroom. Ignoring Mio's quiet protests, the amber-eyed girl pulled up her shirt, revealing an ugly, black bruise marring her stomach. Pursing her lips, Ritsu sat in front of her and diligently treated the injury, wrapping cooling gauze and bandages.
Hissing, Mio tried not to voice out her pain yet Ritsu softened her movement, careful not to agitate the injury further.
"Leave me alone."
I can't stand this. I don't deserve you, Ritsu. You're too good for me. You're too nice to me. You were right about me. You don't need this helpless little girl.
She recalled what Ritsu said about hanging out with Mugi all day, just the two of them. She imagined her best friend's soft smile and Ritsu's bright laughter, and her constricted with pain and resign. You should just go to Mugi. She's really kind...you would not find a better friend than her. I should know best... she was the one who had saved me. She'd treat you better more than I ever could. All I ever did was cause you problems. You'll never be able to relax, or simply just laugh if you stay with me. Just leave me alone. I don't want you to see me like this.
Ritsu still did not say anything - she was immersed in her task. When she was done, Ritsu slowly looked up, gently wiping away residual tears from Mio's cheeks.
Mio could only stare at Ritsu, shivering under the girl's rough yet soft fingers on her skin. Warm. The drummer's characteristic kindness renewed her tears, landing on those calloused fingers.
"Please...just leave me alone..."
Warmth, nostalgic warmth, enveloped her being.
Mio tried to push Ritsu away, hitting her weakly. But Ritsu only tightened her embrace.
The familiarity of the hug brought more and more memories back into Mio's mind, making her sob even harder. It had been so long, yet Ritsu's hug was still able to invoke the same feelings as it did back then. She buried her face in Ritsu's shoulder, trying to staunch her tears, trying to silence her cries. Ritsu only held onto her tightly and stroked her back rhythmically. She could feel Ritsu's heart beating against her own. She could hear Ritsu's own shuddering breath beside her ear.
Mio's protests gradually died out and she slumped tiredly in Ritsu's arms.
"I'm so sorry, Mio." Ritsu finally spoke, her voice hoarse and weary.
"...no, you were right about me."
"No, I wasn't," Ritsu rested her chin on Mio's shoulder, her voice incredibly soft. "I was being a complete idiot. Even after all this time... all I do is make you cry," she stroked Mio's hair with trembling hands. Hesitant. Mio swallowed a sob.
"Heh. Do you remember, Mio? I think I used to call myself your knight or something, didn't I? What a failure of a knight I am, huh?"
Knight... Mio blinked slowly. Right. When we were little... Ritsu, you still remember that? Then what about me? Do you...do you still consider me your... No. Impossible. She was simply the knight, defending the weak and helpless. I can never be the princess. I'm too tainted. I'm too corrupted. Mugi, she should be your princess, not me.
"Mio, back in the warehouse, I... I don't know what came over me. I didn't even know what really happened back then, yet I -"
"How can you expect people to trust you when you don't trust anyone!"
Mio suddenly pushed Ritsu away, shaking her head vehemently. No, no! I'm relying on Ritsu's kindness again. I can't keep doing this. I am strong now. I...
"I don't need any past memories."
An image of her hiding behind Ritsu who was fighting away the mean boys in the playground.
"I don't need to rely on anybody."
A reflection of herself from the rain puddle, her cold smile as she buried her foot into a thug's stomach.
"I'm not the helpless girl you once knew."
She blocked the memory of being grappled by Taka, powerless and surrounded by Hayabusa members.
"I have changed," Mio managed to breathe out. It was more like she was trying to convince herself.
"So have I," Ritsu whispered, staring deep into Mio's red, puffy eyes. Mio was unable to look away, drowning in the unwavering amber pools.
Ritsu pulled Mio into her arms again, tucking Mio's head between her cheek and shoulder. Her voice was so soft, as if afraid to startle Mio.
"But I know I need you."
The black-haired girl jolted. Ritsu hugged her tighter with no intention of letting her go.
"And I know you need me too."
The tension in Mio's shoulers faded - Ritsu's words had rang something in her.
"So... don't ever run from me again...don't avoid me, Mio..." Ritsu trailed off, her voice hoarse.
Mio reached out shakily, wrapping her own arms around the drummer. Ritsu's comforting scent, her soothing voice, everything -
I missed you.
The sudden realization slammed into Mio's heart. She now knew how much she had missed Ritsu, and how much she had trusted the girl deep down, in spite of all her doubts and distrustful facade. Mio tried to deny it, smother it, or even morph it into anger; she thought that if she acknowledged her feelings, Ritsu would disappear again, and that terrified her.
If she could show Ritsu how independent she had become, maybe the girl would stay by her side.
But now, as Mio pulled Ritsu closer, she knew she did not have to be afraid. She was safe and warm in Ritsu's arms.
She's right, even after all those years, even after everything that had happened...I still need her.
Mio finally understood what her feelings were back then. She finally understood what she was going to tell Ritsu the day before the girl left. She just never had the chance to get used to it - she was forced to lock it away somewhere, because it had hurt too much.
Now it was crystal clear to her.
I love her...I love Ritsu. Even when we were little...I've always... loved her.
She did not know what will happen in the future. She did not know how to feel about Ritsu's involvement with Ookami, or how to help the drummer in her search for clues of her family's deaths. She did not even know how she felt about her and Mugi, her best friend.
All she knew was that Ritsu was here with her right now.
This was all Mio could ask for.
It was enough.
All this time, there was actually someone waiting for her on the other side of that endless abyss. The lost little girl inside her heart finally took a step towards the light.
Outside the window, an injured sparrow snuggled up to its partner, hiding under the roof, away from the preying eyes of the eagle.
A/N: I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I had a hard time writing it, even though I had an outline and all. I hope I did the complexity of Mio's character justice.
The conversation near the end, if anyone noticed, is this fanfic's summary lines :3
Surprise surprise, strictly speaking this chapter is supposed to be together with the next one, since they sort of happen at the same time, but I decided to split it not just because it was too long but that was the way I had planned the story (otherwise I would've split this one OTL)
Suggestions, complaints, any feedback are welcome!
*whispers* this is far from over 8D *shot*
Another Long Background Information:
When Mio went to the city, it was before Ritsu had met Azusa. So Ritsu was still in control of the gang at that time. Of course, Mio knew nothing about it and mistook Ichigo as the leader.
I made Sokabe Megumi two years older than the main cast, instead of just a year older like canon. Why did I choose her? Well, from what I can gather of her in canon, she has a certain air that makes people listen to her (before the fangirl side was revealed). I don't know, I like her voice - it appears to be hiding something ;) And who better than her to interact with Mio? Mio had never received such... 'positive treatment' from anyone, ever.
I'd say Mio's bruise is moderate, definitely heal-able, so don't think too much about it.
Inconsistency? Why is there already people with the wolf tattoo even before Ritsu formed the gang? I can't answer that now ;)
Ah, last chapter, did Ichigo appear to be stronger than Ritsu? No no. Definitely not. I can't really say anything for now. All I can say is Ritsu is unable to fight seriously with the people she first formed the gang with, and the fact that Ichigo had actually attacked her really shocked Ritsu.
Tachibana Himeko utilizes street-brawling with some aspects of Taekwondo.
Ichigo... knife. Blade. Pointy things. Sharp things. No one has yet to disarm her so what else she can do remains unknown.
Ah. So some of you inquired about the gang emblems. Excuse my non-artistic attempts...picture link is on my profile *hides face*. And that picture of Ritsu and Ichigo, it is NOT what it looks like! *emphasis*, but it's your imagination, so I'll leave it up to you to interpret however you want *runs
Ichigo's tattoo is on her left shoulder. Himeko's tattoo is on her left thigh. Mio does not have any. Ritsu's, as from last chapter, is on her back between her shoulder blades (I know I said 'small tattoo'...blame my nonexistent artistic ability...)
Oh and just as side note, 'Onigaoka' or 'Ookami' have nothing to do with "Ookami-san to Shichinin no Nakamatachi". I have yet to see it (I love ToraDora and the main protagonist kinda reminded me of her, appearance wise) Apparently it was the name of a school in it...? (I don't want to wiki it in case of spoilers...)
Hmm, I'd only meant for "Oni" (demon) to contrast with the soft feeling of "Sakura"... and the fact that Ritsu and Mio actually went to Sakuragaoka instead of the gang-infested Onigaoka ... yes? Do you see where it comes from? No? *looks away*
And the naming of Ookami was not creative at all: Ritsu has amber eyes. The gang was formed because she felt lost and all alone. Lonesome wolf. Perfect. *sweatdrop*
Anyways, until I find a better name, the school will remain named "Onigaoka" ... (probably won't change it, I'm lacking creativity for names atm...)