9. Death
I couldn't breathe.
The world seemed to spin around me, taking me down with it. It dragged me deeper through the depths of the earth, drowning me in my own blood. I didn't even fight it as it pulled me under, taking me away from this life.
I knew I was still alive though. Jason was holding me up, pulling my hair away from my face. I was too disgusted to even puke, all I could do was cry.
Cry.
I wasn't used to such emotion. I never had to hide it before because I never had it. As a vampire I couldn't cry, not in the literal sense anyway. I was strong, I was fearless. Now I was just weak. Now I was just human.
Sam.
I wouldn't dare to look at her mangled wolf body again. Her white fur was covered in blood, still bleeding. The bones were out of place and some were even sticking out. I couldn't look away fast enough to get it out of my head. How I wished I didn't have to remember this.
I felt my stomach heaving, and I heard my heart pounding, but I couldn't breathe. I couldn't find my lungs. I felt my heart slow and my pulse die out. Was I dying?
At that moment I felt a rush of air flow through my throat, filling my lungs with sweet oxygen. I hadn't realized how lightheaded I felt, but maybe that was just from seeing Sam dead.
The sad part of it was that I knew she was dead.
I just didn't want to believe it.
I knew she could never be able to defeat Cody. She knew it was going to be a suicide attempt, but she did it for me. She did it for Jason. But how did she get out here?
I looked over her body, not wanting to go through those painful spasms again and looked at the bloody prints in the sand.
She walked here.
Sam was alive when she walked here.
How had she escaped Cody?
I wiped the tears off my face and managed to walk over to her last paw print before I collapsed again. Then the thought came into my mind.
Could she still be alive?
I thought of the blood still pouring from her body. Maybe she was still there.
My first instinct was to pour life into her, to save her from the death she was in, but I couldn't feel it. I couldn't get a hold of the life around me. I couldn't mold it or shape it, I couldn't feel it swirling around me, sensitive to my every nerve.
But I could feel death.
I knew it was there. Sam couldn't be alive because I felt it. I wasn't life anymore. I could feel the death. I could grasp it, I could hold it. I could wrap it around something, taking away its very breath. Maybe Cody didn't give me both.
Maybe he gave me life.
I was always weird when I was human a long time ago. I preferred the dark, I preferred the cemetery. My brother would worry about me going there alone, but I never felt any harm. I felt safe there, I felt alive.
Or maybe the death around me made me feel my own life, made me feel alive. Was there any difference?
Of course there was.
It was strange. Normally someone would shy away from knowing they were death. But I didn't. I welcomed it. Maybe it was who I was. Maybe I was some sort of demon, waiting for death to carry me away.
I sounded Emo.
I looked back at Jason, who was trembling. I could feel his body radiate his remorse. To feel his sorrow for the loss of life. For some reason, I felt happy to be surrounded by death.
I sounded Emo again. I shook the thought from my head and walked carefully over to him. I couldn't feel his life, but I knew he was there because I couldn't feel his death.
"I…"
Jason couldn't even speak. I put my arm on his warm body, suddenly having a chill roll down my spine. I could feel him.
He was here. He was somewhere, but I didn't know who. Who was here? Who could I feel?
I whipped my head around, searching for the figure, but I found none.
I looked closer at Sam. Her body didn't sicken me anymore. Sure, I felt bad and I wanted her back, she was my sister after all, but what was on her body made me think.
There was something wedged in between her ribs, sticking out. I walked closer, not wanting to get too near to smell the blood that was still spraying out.
It was a stake?
It was. The round, wooden stake was unmistakable. It was shoved through her heart. Now why would she have one of them in her? Something pulled at my mind, but I couldn't think straight. But I knew one thing.
Cody didn't kill her.
"Yeah we'll be here. I'll see you soon, Taylor." I heard his phone snap. Odd. I didn't even hear him talking before. I wonder if Alive saw anything. But she wouldn't. She couldn't see werewolves.
When Skylar showed up, he looked at Jason weird. I didn't know why. Maybe because he was still angry at him. Sometimes I just wished I could slap that look off his face once and for all.
Taylor was in agony on the ground, whispering her words to Sam, as if she could hear her. Skylar looked pained for the loss of his sister, but he didn't say a word. He picked at the stake and threw it into the rocks. Skylar started digging.
Jason and Taylor helped. They had it done in no time. Even though it was a story deep. They carefully placed Sam inside and filled the hole back up. that's why they dug it so deep. They wouldn't want anyone finding it or stumbling across it.
I could feel someone watching me, but when I turned to the trees at the edge of the sand, I saw no one. Maybe it was just my imagination. But I couldn't lie well enough to myself. The chill down my spine was back.
It took hours for everyone to calm down. Syd felt horrible, but not as bad as Edward. At first I couldn't understand why.
"I already took a sister away from you. It hurts to see how badly I have scarred my other family." Edward explained when I was alone.
I could feel my stomach rumble, but I didn't feel like eating. Her death just dawned on me that my family was down to five, not including me. I felt hollow, but it felt different. It felt weird.
It took days to finally get back to some normalness.
I kissed Jason when I woke up this morning, realizing I hadn't kissed him in days. I wonder how bad I had hurt him.
When I looked in the mirror I saw that the bruises were fading away. It was a subtle yellow in some spot, still a little blue in others, but they didn't hurt as bad anymore. I could move my arms, but they still felt a little stiff. I still didn't understand how I had healed so quickly, but I didn't feel like questioning it today.
Jason took my hand as we walked to the car. We decided it was best to go home, even though Esme said we could stay as long as we liked. I still wanted to go home.
After a last check from Carlisle of course. He stopped me on the way and just did I quick check up. He didn't find anything wrong with me so he let me go, with a strange look in his eyes. I didn't have time to ask what he was thinking before Skylar dragged my to the car. He Didn't look normal either.
I guessed it had to do with Sam's death.
It felt weird to say she was really dead. I always thought she was, but now it was just so…so final. For some reason I thought she would walk home with a smile on her face and be ready to eat some lunch. How could I be so stupid? I just prolonged the suffering, making it worse for me later.
But I wasn't the only one who had to cope at least.
I landed in the bed and buried my face in the pillows. I looked around my room and saw the dent in the wall. It brought me back to the other night. It took all my power to stay in the present, to not go back and feel pain. At least not now. Maybe when I was strong enough to handle it.
Skylar made me lunch while everyone else stayed locked in their rooms. Jason was allowed in mine right now. Something about Skylar was making Jason keep his distance from me. He stayed in an extra room. He never came in mine anymore. When he kissed me it didn't feel the same, like he was trying to find a way to stay away from me. Like he was trying to give me space.
But I didn't want space.
I tried to curl up with him in his new room, but as soon as he heard Skylar walking up the stairs he let go of me and faced away from me and the door. Skylar would walk me out and Jason wouldn't tell me to have sweet dreams like he always did.
After a while I just stopped trying.
I didn't know what he was doing, but maybe he wasn't giving me space. Maybe he wanted space from me. Had I done something wrong? I tried to think back to the day before we found Sam. It was normal. I had woken up from the best night of my life and took a shower. I walked back in with Jason to find Skylar and he told Jason to leave. Then Skylar talked to me about stuff.
What had Jason heard?
Skylar wasn't mad about Jason. Hell, we didn't even talk about Jason. We talked about somebody else. But I didn't want to think about him right now. I didn't want to think about anything. I just wanted Jason to hold me, to tell me everything was going to be ok. I wanted him to kiss me like he always did, I wanted to see him smile. I wanted him to look at me like he loved me.
My breath caught.
Did Jason love me anymore?
Of course he did, didn't he? He always told me that he did, until we found Sam. He always held me, until we found Sam. He was everything I had wanted, until we found Sam. For some reason finding Sam had put a wedge between us. Now I wanted to know why.
I walked downstairs, grabbing Jason's hand. I yanked him off the couch and dragged him outside. He followed me down the road until we were downtown. At that point he pulled back on me, making my arm jerk.
Jason planted his feet and I looked at his dark, Hazel eyes. His jaw was set and for some reason this picture of him frightened me a little. I was so used to Jason being warm and happy. Now he looked dead, he looked like it anyway. He didn't look like he had life. He didn't look human.
"What?"
His voice was like a slap to my face. The way he spoke to me made my eyes water, but the tears didn't spill over, I held them back.
He let go of my hand and just stared at my face.
Then I saw it.
Jason was never a good liar. I could see his guarded eyes, but even with him trying to hold back he showed me everything. He didn't like doing this, but he had a good reason to. And I was going to hear it.
I looked around the crowd of people, trying to buy some time. I saw couples and families walking around, enjoying the semi sunny day. I watched teens throw footballs around and skate on the side walk.
Then I saw him.
I knew who he was. And this was the one who I could feel by Sam. He was looking at me. No, he was looking at Jason with that glint in his eyes.
"Jason promise you'll stay right here."
His illusion fell from his face. My Jason was back.
"Why?" the hurt in his voice was clearly there, I just couldn't hear it.
"Just promise me." I repeated.
I strode over to the blonde guy who was looking at us. He looked at me like he though he had seen me before, but he couldn't place it. The sad part is that he did know me. He looked at me in shock.
I always had a great right hook. Cody had always said I could do some real damage to people.
I cringed internally at his name, but I didn't show it on my face. Like I needed to portray anymore weakness on my face. So instead I lashed out in anger, which I was already full of.
"What did you do!" I yelled. And before he had time to answer, I punched Christopher square in the jaw.