short chapter this time, sorry about that.

but yay for Petra Progression!

Chapter Ten: Vast

God, crickets were loud. There weren't many inside the wall. They didn't keep Levi up like they did on the Outside, making a racket like a hundred foot soldiers.

Levi avoided the real reason he knew he was awake. He didn't let it touch the forefront of his mind. When it surfaced, he squashed it down again to the very darkest depths, buried it under other thoughts.

Still, he couldn't manage to sleep. Especially not with Hange snoring like that.

"Ah, damn." He mumbled under his breath, sitting up on his makeshift cot. Four other dark shapes were scattered around the room, but there was a noticeable space where Kathleen should have been. He stared at it a moment before rising quietly and walking softly on his bare feet.

A floorboard creaked loudly under his foot as Levi crossed the threshold and he winced. Hopefully the crickets and Hange's snoring had drowned it out.

Levi stuck his head out the open window and the rest of his body soon followed, scaling the side of the old house with ease. In a matter of seconds, he was on the roof, looking out over the tops of the trees to the land beyond.

Some people were afraid of heights, but Levi had always rather liked being above everyone else for once.

Not for the first time, he marveled at the beauty of the outside world. It was a clear April night, and even though the air carried a slight chill, Levi had his uniform jacket around his shoulders, always sleeping in his clothes.

It was nearly a full moon, and its light illuminated the landscape somewhat eerily. Somewhere out there, Levi knew, thousands of dead soldiers' bodies were rotting away as breakfast for some lucky Titan who stumbled upon them.

He understood then the attraction the Outside world had always had on him. It was that cruel beauty that drew him; horrid and grotesque and forbidden, but still all at once peaceful in its vastness.

So very, very vast the world was. How small a single man was in comparison.

And in this, Levi realized how terrible he truly was. He loved the Outside because his own wrongs, his own awful doings, and all the comrades who had perished because he was not fast enough or strong enough or kind enough to save them, all of it seemed not to matter in the grand scope of things. He hoped that maybe – just maybe, the huge emptiness of the earth in all its cruelty could drown out the conflicted turmoil spewing from one undersized soldier.

Then, he thought, he might could be forgiven.

"You couldn't sleep either?" a soft voice interrupted Levi's brooding, much to his annoyance. When he was lost in deep thoughts he didn't like to be bothered.

"No."

Petra finished clambering onto the roof, also in her uniform. There was still a petrol stain on her pants.

"You really should get a new set of pants." He reminded her, resisting the urge to wrinkle his nose. "Also your hair is messy."

Petra pulled a face. "Can't afford it. They don't pay us little peons much do they? And I just got up, what do you expect? Your hair doesn't seem to be doing so hot either."

Levi didn't answer, preferring to stare up at the stars. He could pick out Ursa Major among them.

"You know what my mom used to say when I was a kid?" Petra sat cross-legged on the roof beside Levi as she followed his line of sight. "She said that stars are the brightest souls of the dead; those who lived for others."

Levi tasted bitterness in his mouth as he balled his fist and dug his nails into his palm. "I guess a lot of them are up there because of me, then."

There was a long silence. Then Petra looked at him, and tipped her head. "You know what your problem is, Levi?"

"I don't need you to tell me my problems." Levi growled, scratching the roof tiles with his bare foot (he'd never been able to sleep in socks).

"You can't forgive yourself." Petra pressed on, ignoring his general hostility.

"The hell is that supposed to mean?" he knew exactly what it meant.

"You have to learn to leave the past in the past." She said, "It's done. You can't undo it. The only thing you can ever change is the future."

A short and cynical laugh escaped Levi. "So I should forget about them then? Boris? Kathleen? The rest?"

"No. Remember them, always. Forgive, Levi, but never forget." Petra turned back to the sky, hugging her knees. She rocked back and forth slowly. "I'm going to be one someday. A star, I mean."

"You want to die a martyr?" Levi asked, barely aware that he had ruined the mood.

"Not really. But I think the only real way to live is to live for others."

Levi should have realized some things right then and there. He should have realized that Petra was one of those dumb idiots who would die for just about anyone. He should have realized that she would eventually end up on that shelf in the back of his mind.

He did not.

He said, "People should only live for themselves. That's how you survive in this world. If everyone worried about themselves there would be a lot less unnecessary death."

"But if everyone lived for themselves," Petra pointed out, "Lots of people who are alive today wouldn't be. Like if you hadn't stopped me after Patrick died . . . I would've been chomped to bits."

And Levi had nothing to say to that.

enjoy. review. thank you.

hope you liked!

-oldsoul