~o~

"I'm worried about you."

They don't even get a year.

Not even one damn year before everything begins to unravel, and Kotetsu hasn't felt this helpless in six years.

If he wasn't losing his powers, he knows he would stay. He'd try and see Kaede more, but he knows he would stay. He'd keep his promise; keep his life. It's not a bad life.

But he's losing his powers, a cruel hourglass of sand delivered from the fates determining how long he has left.

The timing is, as always, ironically terrible. He tries to convince himself that he can retire and go home in peace – that without his powers, he wouldn't be a good partner to Barnaby anymore anyway. And a week ago, delivering this news might have been hard, but the only one to suffer would have been himself. Himself and his own foolish heart.

Not now.

Barnaby is falling apart in front of Kotetsu's eyes, sobbing into his hands, and Kotetsu knows he can't leave him like this. But he can fix this. He has to be able to fix this. All he has to do is put his partner back together again and go home to his daughter, and then everyone will be happy. He won't have to reveal the truth to either of them.

"I want you to be your usual self again soon."

But Kotetsu has never seen Barnaby look this awful in all the time they've known each other, not even during the Jake saga. There are dark circles under his eyes, a hollowness to his very being, and all Kotetsu wants is to see him smile again.

It's possibly the stupidest idea ever, retracing old steps, Kotetsu thinks as they approach the Sternbild skating rink, but he doesn't know how to help, not really, not when Barnaby seems more confused than ever.

"So… This is where you were that day, moments before the murder occurred?"

Barnaby is distant, his mind scattered and unfocused when he answers. "I remember it being lively, just like it is today."

Kotetsu has been leaning over the railing, but he turns around now, leaning his back against it instead. "Did they have that back then? He glances at his partner, inclining one hand towards the souvenir stand, but Barnaby's eyes are closed again, thinking, trying to remember.

Impulsively, Kotetsu saunters over to the stand, his eyes running over the trays of souvenirs. He wishes he could write over Barnaby's old memories, dull them, replace them, fill up the empty space…

Ten months of being partners, arresting the criminals, drinking with their friends, saving the city, building that trust… Damn! He's not ready to say goodbye.

He doesn't even know why he buys the pins, why it makes him smile – maybe it's his tendency to avoid the painful things, to make light of everything, to treasure what time he does have...

"Don't you think you're getting sidetracked?"

Sidetracked is exactly what Kotetsu wants to be, though, and he elbows Barnaby more than a little suggestively. "See?"

Finally, a reaction. There's life in Barnaby's eyes again.

Barnaby's hands are on his hips and he turns away, and suddenly they're playing their familiar TV parts as if everything they've built together isn't falling apart around them. "I'll pass."

Kotetsu is inside Barnaby's personal space, purposefully, showing off the pin on his vest. "I bought a matching pair just for us."

"All the more so." Barnaby knows Kotetsu is trying to cheer him up, but he doesn't want to brush everything under the rug. He doesn't want to pretend that it's all okay. He backs up when Kotetsu tries to forcibly pin it on him.

"Don't be shy – it'll make for a nice memory of the time we spent together today."

The mixed signals again. The mixed signals he can never bring himself to call his partner on. The mixed signals that have driven Barnaby crazy for the last year, and suddenly, he's totally distracted from his old memories.

Barnaby side-steps, trying to get away, and also to not touch Kotetsu. As confused as he feels right now, Barnaby also knows that Kotetsu has not been himself since returning from his little trip home and this behavior is further proof. There's something his partner is not telling him – Barnaby knows him too well at this point. "What exactly did we come here for anyway?" Finally throwing his partner off in annoyance, he snaps defensively – always defensive when he's hurting – "This jacket is real leather! And there's no need to remember this day."

Kotetsu isn't deterred that easily, especially now that he's gotten a response out of Barnaby that actually sounds like, feels like Barnaby. "But…"

"We can make all the memories we want some other time, can't we?" Barnaby protests, his hands in front of him, still on the defensive. He has no one else to talk to about this mess besides Kotetsu, no one else he trusts and his partner is… avoiding. Always avoiding.

The words sting and backing up in surprise, Kotetsu searches for something to say, his own words echoing back at him– I'll send in my resignation and hurry back as soon as possible. They can't make all the memories they want some other time, and he knows it, but Kotetsu can't bring himself to tell Barnaby the truth when he's already so messed up. With a sigh, he finally says gently, "You never know how much time we have – we…we could get killed in battle tomorrow."

"That's not funny!" Barnaby snaps, turning away again, watching all of the children in line to take pictures in front of the Christmas Tree.

"I wasn't trying to be funny…" Kotetsu says quietly, too seriously, and then reaches to take one of Barnaby's hands, pressing the pin into it. "You don't have to pin it on your jacket, but it was a gift, meant for you, my partner."

Barnaby never knows what to say when Kotetsu gets sentimental like this, and so he simply nods, pocketing the pin and accepting the intention, at least. "…thanks."

There's an awkward silence between them, even if Barnaby seems a fraction less distant, and Kotetsu tries to change the subject. "Wow… what a great tree."

"I had my picture taken that day too," Barnaby remarks, watching the camera flash. He remembers it so clearly, and yet, it doesn't feel… right. "With Maverick…"

"A picture of you and Mr. Maverick?" Kotetsu shifts until his right hand is on his hip, puzzling. He didn't realize things went back that far between his partner and that man and he can't help but find the mental image to be…odd. "That's… kind of funny…" he says, for lack of a better explanation.

Barnaby doesn't think anything about this situation is funny, doesn't appreciate being laughed at either. Kotetsu is trying his patience and he doesn't have much to begin with. "Why?"

"It's just, you know!" Barnaby is withdrawing again, and Kotetsu over-emphasizes his laugh, trying to make light, his hand coming down hard on Barnaby's left shoulder. He can tell that he's starting to lose him again.

"I clearly remember coming here with Mr. Maverick…" Barnaby starts, but his voice wavers as he recalls the memory, so sharp in contrast against the dull haze of the fire eating his home, the murderer standing over his parents' bodies… "So why can't I remember the murderer's face?"

Kotetsu hears the hitch in his partner's voice telling him this is about to go sour fast, and he is serious again, trying to bring him back. It's breaking his heart to see Bunny in pain like this and his own feelings yo-yo in response. "Don't torment yourself over it."

"But if I never remember…" Barnaby backs away again, his hands going to his head, lost in his memories. "I… I…"

His hands flailing helplessly, Kotetsu watches as Barnaby collapses to his hands and knees, finally going down on one knee himself in an attempt to comfort him. "Wait… hey… Bunny…"

But Barnaby is worn too thin around the edges by this latest turn of events, on the brink of a complete meltdown, and even Kotetsu's gentle hand on his shoulder isn't enough to snap him out of it this time. "Kriem was right! I'm going to be tormented by the past for the rest of my life!"

Barnaby's hysterical sobs cut right through Kotetsu, unraveling him, narrowing his vision, until he can see no other choice but to stay by his partner's side. It's the right thing to do. He's got to be Barnaby's rock in this, he's got to have his partner's back, he… he just can't make any other choice, …not even for Kaede.

Not as long as his hourglass still has a few grains left.

"I've made up my mind," he says, more to himself than to Barnaby. There's nothing but painful empathy in his face as he slowly stands. "I'll stick with you until you sort this problem out."

Barnaby's head snaps up in surprise, the tone of his partner's voice more surprising than the statement itself. He feels like he's missing something, still. "What?"

Kotetsu can't help the words that tumble out, the closest he can get to the truth. There's no way he's opening his can of worms on Barnaby today, not when he has so much on his shoulders… not like this. Not when it's obvious how much he needs Kotetsu to be strong. "As your partner, it's my duty to support you in times like these."

"Kotetsu…" Barnaby starts, but his exhaustion is overtaking him, he can't even think to form a sentence… but his partner is with him, will always be with him, so it's okay to just…

"I sounded really cool just now, didn't I?" Kotetsu is trying too hard to play off the weight in his statement, but the sound of Barnaby collapsing completely forces him to whirl back in surprise. "Bunny!"

His heart is beating fast as he bends down beside his partner, rolling the blond into his arms in concern. Barnaby looks frail, vulnerable, passed out in Kotetsu's arms, and he blinks back tears.

He'd give anything right now to be out on duty, chasing some thugs, Barnaby beside him, confident and snappy and pretty in his pristine suit, everyone's perfect hero.

Seeing the life sapped out of his partner recalls too painful, too vivid memories of watching the life drain from someone else he'd loved. He can't stand to see it happen again, no matter the cause.

Kotetsu lifts Barnaby into his arms with a sigh, carrying him princess-style, and following the signs for the infirmary. Hopefully, it'll have somewhere he can rest while Kotetsu figures out how he's going to break this news to his mother. He can't figure out how he's going to tell Kaede that he's breaking his promise.

The nurse on duty lets him settle Barnaby on the bed and make vague excuses, and he's grateful when she doesn't seem to recognize them. The last thing they need is a media hoopla right now.

Sitting down on the edge of the bed, Kotetsu removes Barnaby's jacket, then his glasses, folding them and placing them on the pillow. Hesitating, he reaches to smooth the curls away from Barnaby's face, bothered when his skin seems too cool to the touch. He's grateful no one is present to witness the tears that spring into his eyes.

No matter what he decides to do, it seems, someone is going to end up hurt.

Kotetsu wishes desperately that he didn't have to make the choice, or that he could split and be in two places at once. Or that he could tell Kaede the truth… but he doesn't know if that will make her hate him more.

There's nowhere quiet outside the infirmary, but Kotetsu doesn't want to wake Barnaby, so he wanders until he finds the plaza of the food court. It's impulse again when he sees the toy tiger, and he plugs a coin in to make it go, riding in a slow circle and staring at his cellphone with indecision.

Is he only stalling? Delaying the inevitable?

He's not even sure who he's lying to anymore, besides himself.

"Oh, Mom – it's me. How's Kaede?"

The guilt trip begins, but he brushes it off, too damn tired for anything but honesty. "Actually… it might take a little while before I can come back… I still don't know, but I'll definitely come home." Once the hourglass is empty.

"Did you really plan on coming home in the first place?"

"I did! Honest!" When he left Barnaby out of the equation, that is. When he sincerely thought his partner might be better off without him and his dwindling powers and spiraling lies. "But… there's some unfinished business I want to take care of! If I go home ignoring this, I'm sure to regret it later. So… it'll be just a little longer."

But it's too late already, Kaede is on the phone, yelling in his ear, and it's all blowing up in his face again. He begs, he pleads, but she doesn't listen, thinks he doesn't care, and then, before he can even process how far wrong the call went, Barnaby is there, obviously having heard way more than Kotetsu intended.

"What was that all about?" Barnaby's face is expressionless, but Kotetsu can see the fire in his eyes, the slow burn, and it scares him a little. "Quit being a hero?"

Kotetsu can't help but let "oh shit" be written all across his face, and he is not prepared for the onslaught at all.

"What's this about quitting?" Barnaby's voice sounds betrayed as he takes a step closer, one hand on his hip. "I want an explanation."

Now is the time. Now is the time to come clean, to tell his partner everything, everything, and instead, Kotetsu just gazes at him in shock, his entire half-baked plan in ruins at his feet. "You see… umm…"

Barnaby is determined to get to the bottom of this, to find out what Kotetsu is keeping from him. He makes the logical guess. "Does this have something to do with your daughter's powers?"

It's the perfect opening for a minor fib, an easy stretching of the truth, but Kotetsu is emotionally strung out and he still doesn't want to share the truth. The truth makes it real, final… that he's leaving, has to leave his partner, and Kotetsu can neither bear it nor drop it on Barnaby… "No, it has… nothing to do with that."

And in this moment, their own worst habits undo them both.

Kotetsu doesn't know how to open up. He doesn't really know how to trust, to be honest, to share the bad with the good. He's an expert at worrying about other people to the exclusion and detriment of himself, and it's so ingrained in his nature, to keep everyone at an affable arm's length, that he doesn't even see how well his partner knows him.

"Then why?" Barnaby demands, further confused. If it's not Kaede, then…

The trust they've both worked so hard to build is stretched tight between them and Kotetsu climbs to his feet. Trying to tell himself that it's for the greater good, he lies, plain and simple… only it's a lie that doesn't sound remotely as believable as when he'd invented it on the train ride here from Oriental Town. It sounds ridiculous. "I was thinking it's about time I live a steady life."

It is the last thing that Barnaby expects to come out of his partner's mouth – a blatant lie, right to his face, the same fake smile attached. And if there is anything Barnaby can't stand, it's being lied to, especially by someone he cares for. "…what?" he asks, giving Kotetsu one more chance to take it back.

"Being a hero is unsteady," Kotetsu glances away and back, even as he watches the offended look on Barnaby's face grow. "It's fine when you're still young, but as you get older, it starts to get to you. Which is why I've decided to change my lifestyle by getting a regular job!"

Barnaby is truly offended and he stares Kotetsu down pointedly until his partner looks down and away, further proof of his lies. "Do you really think that'll fool me?" This is the result of all the talk of their trust? This is the result of offering his heart on a platter? "Do you want to keep it from me that badly?" he nearly spits in disgust, no longer bothering to conceal his anger.

"What?" Kotetsu looks up, genuinely confused. Does Barnaby know what's really going on? For a moment, Kotetsu wonders if his partner has been waiting for him to come clean.

And now Barnaby's bad habits rise up to measure against Kotetsu's, fueling their miscommunication – when wounded or betrayed, it's like a switch is flipped. He's automatically thinking the worst of his partner, jumping to the poorest conclusions for the entire situation. He wants to lash out, wants to hurt as he's been hurt, and he doesn't pull his verbal punches at all.

"Aren't partners supposed to help each other when they're suffering?" he throws Kotetsu's own words back at him indignantly, and when he gets no answer, it stings. "You still don't trust me, do you?" After all he's opened up to Kotetsu, the fact that his partner can't do the same is ripping out the last ray of light in Barnaby's life.

It's not true, not in the slightest, he trusts Barnaby with his life, after all, and the words burn Kotetsu to the core. After all they've been through together, it's this easy for Barnaby to give up on them? "It's not like that, Bunny…" he tries, but Barnaby is on a roll and there's no stopping him now.

"Were you trying to stop me from quitting because it would make it more difficult to say you're quitting?"

"Ah… well…" That was not Kotesu's intention at all, but he can see why Barnaby thinks so.

"You helped me out today to make it easier for you to quit!"

"No!" Kotetsu feels sick to his stomach now, and deeply hurt. The idea that Barnaby thinks so little of him… and that maybe he deserves it… make him feel sick. There is no true trust unless it's mutual, after all.

"That's despicable. I trusted you." There's a heartbeat of silence, and when Kotetsu doesn't do anything… doesn't defend himself, doesn't fight back, doesn't offer the truth or any piece of himself at all, Barnaby shuts down. "You can quit whenever you feel like it," he finally says icily. "I'll carry on by myself."

Kotetsu is reeling, but when Barnaby turns to walk away, he can't help but try to stop him. "Wait a second!"

"I'm all for this," Barnaby says as he throws Kotetsu's arm off hard, ignoring his startled "eh?" "Things will be much easier for me once you're gone."

"Hey… stop that…" Kotetsu trails off, suddenly realizing just how much his lies have now alienated and hurt his partner, the person he was trying to protect the most. He's not sure how he got into this position, Barnaby glaring at him with such haughty hatred, worse even than when they first met. This can't be how Barnaby really feels… it just can't.

"I tried my best to let you handle things once in awhile."

"Hey!"

"If you retire, things will be much better."

It's the biggest lie ever, as big as his own, but it's the smug look of derision accompanying it that forces Kotetsu to snap. He doesn't even think at all – he's so offended, so fucking hurt, that his hand just draws back of its own accord to wipe that blatant lie away.

SLAP!

Kotetsu's eyes go wide as Barnaby's hand rises to touch his cheek in shock, a look of ultimate betrayal on his face. He's shaking and then glowing and Kotetsu tries to apologize, reaching out to him desperately. "Hey, you're not going to use your power…" This has all gone so wrong, so very wrong, not at all the way it supposed to… but Barnaby is not listening to a word he says, not one damn word, and a heartbeat later, he is gone, up into the sky and across the tops of the buildings. "Wait! That's not fair!"

Nothing's fair.

Everything's ruined.

Kaede hates him and doesn't trust him, Barnaby hates him and doesn't trust him, he's not going to be a hero for much longer because he's an old wash-up losing his powers and he feels like the biggest asshole on the planet. Sitting down hard on the toy tiger, Kotetsu buries his face in his hands, trying to ignore the hot, stinging tears of frustration.

He was dealing with the losing powers thing, sort of, and if trading in his Hero days meant getting to see his daughter grow up instead, well, then, it wasn't all bad. And maybe he'd thought that if he could just part ways peacefully, never give away his heart, then it might not hurt so much.

But he's never really told Barnaby how much his friendship means, he's never realized how the loss of his partner would demolish him completely, and it has. He didn't even know just how much he'd come to depend on the other man's presence in his life. He's never told Barnaby the truth, never even admitted it to himself – he's brushed it off, reasoned it away, tried to satiate it, promised it into a box… but that hasn't stopped his heart from knowing it all along.

Kotetsu T. Kaburagi is in love with Barnaby Brooks, Jr., right or wrong, and losing him feels like losing Tomoe all over again, only worse somehow… because it's actually his own fault this time.

It doesn't matter, now, though, because he's betrayed Barnaby with all the lies, both blatant and subtle, and he has no reason to believe there's any reciprocation on his partner's end. He's the one with the fool's crush and Barnaby will probably never forgive him.

And what would it matter anyway? Time is already running out. Maybe it's better to just let Barnaby go, let him think Kotetsu is an asshole who doesn't give a shit… turn in his resignation in the morning… disappear quietly, go home before he can do any more damage. Before there's even a chance that there's a heart he's breaking besides his own. Hating someone blindly has got to be easier than the loss he feels right now.

Kotetsu eventually finds himself at the usual place, a row of bottles in front of him, hoping to drown his heart into silence, but the TV draws his attention when he realizes it's airing an interview segment that was taped last week.

"You've already broken Mr. Legend's record. Is there any hero you aspire to be like?"

It's Barnaby on the screen, but Kotetsu can't bear to look even if he's forced to listen.

"No one in particular… but there is someone I'm no match for."

"No match, you say?"

Barnaby looks truly happy in the interview, even smiling as he replies. "He's clumsy and does crazy things, but he always works to the best of his ability and with great pride. I aspire to become someone worthy of his trust. Not that I'm trying to become like him, though."

Kotetsu stalls a little as he listens to his partner's words, the genuine playful affection in his voice. This is the Barnaby he's known for months now… this is the Barnaby that is his partner and his friend… this is the Barnaby he loves… and pushed away.

"And who might this person be?"

Kotetsu turns to look at the screen just in time to watch Barnaby smiling knowingly at the camera, a delicious twinkle in his green eyes. "It's a secret."

His heart jumps into his throat and Kotetsu sets his drink down untouched. If there's even the smallest chance…

Heroes don't give up.

And Kotetsu knows, sure as he knows his own name, that if he lets this go, if he walks away… then he's going to regret it forever.

But it's not too late.

"Forget about the car," he says hastily to the bartender, and runs out the door.

This is it, Kotetsu decides as he drives to his partner's apartment. Fair is fair, trust earned only when given in kind. He's going to come clean – he's going to tell Barnaby everything, the way he should have ages ago. Starting with his powers.

Barnaby doesn't answer the door or his phone, and Kotetsu is left standing outside his building, staring up at the darkened window in dismay.

But it doesn't matter if he has to wait until tomorrow to apologize… he swears to himself that he's going to tell Barnaby absolutely everything, every last stupid self-deprecating lame sentimental thought and feeling in his head, the very moment they see each other again.

Unfortunately, the next time Kotetsu sets eyes on Barnaby, his partner doesn't even remember who he is.

o/~ Not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe ~/o