Edward
Holding Bella was more pleasurable for me than was probably normal. Her body felt so right tucked into mine and the way she clung to me, fisting her hands on the back of my shirt made me feel needed and valuable. I held her just as tightly wanting her to feel the same way I did because she was needed and she was valuable. I don't know why or how I had even come to need this small beautiful but broken vampire, but I did. She gave me something that one had ever been able to, even the people I loved and lived with and that made her more valuable to me than anything else in this world. I wanted to articulate these things to her but I knew that would be a mistake, so I had to commit to showing her.
I was getting what I guess was her uncensored thoughts. I could never really know for sure. Right now her thoughts were solely focused on me. She was in awe of the way my body seemed to give her some sort of warmth. She was soothed yet elated our current closeness allowed my scent to swathe her. It was not only filling her nose but she felt on her skin and tasted it on her tongue. This made her so happy that she was nearly beside herself with fear.
I held back a sigh because I didn't want to break the peaceful silence around us but I just didn't understand Bella. I knew that she had been hurt and that fate had been it's cruelest when it saddled her with a mate like Lucas. He had fucked her up perfectly and I wanted to kill him for it. Bella was so observant, pensive, and intelligent but her perception of things was seriously flawed. In her eyes something about everything was wrong, bad, or negative in some way. That pained me but I knew that if she would just let me in I could help her change that.
I didn't know exactly how long I held Bella but I knew that it was for quite a while. From her thoughts I knew that she was entranced by the contentment she felt. I was willing to hold her for the rest of forever but the sound of Emmett banging the door open as he entered the house startled Bella out of her daze. She wrenched herself away from me abruptly making me feel empty. I missed the feel of her small body against mine the second she was gone. Not only had she left my arms but she'd left the room as well.
"Did you play nice with the other kids?" I heard Bella tease Rose from the floor below. I saw Rose smirk through Bella's mind before she flipped Bella the bird.
"Such a sweet girl," Bella responded sarcastically.
I snorted a laugh at the playful banter between the two girls before leaving Bella's room and going down to the living room where the rest of the family had gathered. Alice's eyes met mine as soon as I walked into the room. It had been her that told me exactly when Bella would come home. She'd also told me that Esme would be gone and that if I wanted to talk to her that, that would be the perfect time. I didn't hesitate to do just that. I left school and ran straight home.
"How'd it go?"
I gave her small smile and nod. She responded with a full on grin of her own.
"Thank you," I mouthed to her.
"No problem."
Bella
I rarely ever spent time in the living room with the Cullens. It always put me on edge because they were the coven and I was the outsider. They hadn't attacked me yet even though they'd had plenty of opportunity to do so, but I just couldn't feel safe in a dynamic like that. I'd come down today though because I needed to get away from Edward just for a little while. I'd gotten so wrapped up in the feel of him that I'd stayed in his arms for over three hours! No one had ever spoke to me the way he had and though I knew what he wanted to give me was impossible, I liked hearing the words. They made me feel just as good as his embrace had.
The second I'd moved away from him though everything just seemed to be off kilter like I was leaving something behind with him. It was such an odd and unpleasant feeling but I forced myself not to dwell on it. I sat on the couch a healthy distance away from the friendly beast also known as Emmett making sure I kept the jovial side of him at it's peak. That would kill any defensiveness inside him and make him least likely to get confrontational. Really I knew that all my precautions were for naught though because Emmett had just purchased a new video game and probably had no idea that anyone else was even in the room with him, less known sitting across from him.
I watched as he gritted his teeth, bobbed and weaved, and cursed under his breath all while jabbing the buttons of the controller and staring at the screen. It was actually quite entertaining to watch. I just couldn't figure out if I was enthralled or amused. It was funny just how into it he was but as I glanced at the screen and saw that there were about fifty police cars chasing the one Emmett had just jacked I understood and maybe even shared his absorption.
I watched as the police got closer to him and then eventually nabbed him. He growled in frustration as the game started over. It didn't take long for him to end up in the same situation again. He kept going straight but he should have obviously turned into the alley and before I could stop myself I told him to do so.
"Turn left!"
He turned just like I told him and sense the path was narrow all the police can't get in.
"Now right!" I exclaimed as he reached the mouth of the alley.
Shortly after turning again Emmett reaches some garage and was safe from the police.
"Hell yeah!" Emmett roared in excitement and turned his fist to me. I growled launching myself off the couch and away from him. I spiked his cheer simultaneously bottoming out his strength automatically. I realized belatedly though that he was not throwing his fist at all and was smiling benignly at me. I was confused as to why he was holding that position. Even though my gift had altered him, it would not keep him stationary like this. Was he trying to confuse? Throw me off?
His strange tactic put me on edge even more. I wasn't as in control as I wanted to be, as I needed to be. I took in the rest of the Cullens and realized that all eyes were on me, watching me just as I was watching them. Everyone was stone still and the tension was thick and palpable. My main focus was Rosalie though who was behind me. Huge mistake. I pivoted so that they were both in my line of sight. I had to strip her of both her loyalty and protectiveness because Emmett was her mate and she would turn on me in order to safeguard him.
"Bella…," Rosalie said taking a step toward me but I took a step back making her stop her advance. I glanced back at Emmett and saw that he had dropped his fist but he was still smiling. The latter was my doing of course.
"He wasn't going to hurt you," came Edward's voice from beside me. I glanced at him and then back at Rose and Emmett.
"No?" I asked not so sure.
"He just wanted you to bump his fist. A thank you of sorts for helping him with the game. That's all," Edward whispered coming to stand so close beside me that my shoulder touched his chest. The contact removed some of the tension from my body and I looked up at him again to see if there was any deception in his eyes.
"I wouldn't lie to you," he responded to my thoughts as he placed his hand on the small of my back. My body completely relaxed then and I wanted to melt into him like I had earlier. I didn't let myself though. I didn't know what it was about Edward that made me react this way to him. It was foreign so I was naturally wary of it.
I looked back at Emmett who was still jolly. He raised his fist again to me and before I could react defensively Edward rubbed a small circle on my back.
"Pound it," Emmett smiled.
I took a deep breath and took a small step toward him. I knew that even if he did attack he was so weak at the moment that he would do about as much harm as a human would do to me. I raised my fist as I moved closer to him making his grin wider. I slowly but firmly bumped my fist into his.
"Hell yeah!" he shouted in glee before patting the space on the couch next to him. "Now let me teach you how to play!" he said shoving a second controller into my hand.
Now that I saw that it had not been Emmett's intention to hurt me I felt kind of silly about my reaction. I looked over at Rose and mouthed, "I'm sorry."
She smiled back and shrugged her shoulders before turning her attention back to the magazine she had been flipping
The weekend approached and all the guys decided to go on some sort of male bonding type hunting trip over in the mountains. That left the house to us girls and no one was more excited about that than Alice. She had stocked up on magazines, chick flicks, nail polish and all the fixings for mani's and pedi's, cute pajamas that we were all supposed to wear, and complied a play list on her iPod filled with what she called quality bubble gum music.
"Try not to be a complete savage," I said to Emmett through the driver side window of his jeep.
"Aw babe, I want to have fun this weekend," he said poking out his lower lip in a pout that me feel all achy below the waist. I leaned forward and kissed him before I had even made the conscious decision to do so.
"Go for it then, baby," I purred against his lips making him growl deep in his chest.
"Alright, thank you, bye Rose!" Edward bitched from the back seat. I threw a glare his way.
"Fuck off, Eddie," I snapped before turning and going back into the house.
I could hear the girls all congregated in Esme and Carlisle's room. Alice and Bella were clashing in a very heated argument.
"Alice, I'm not fucking wearing it!" Bella growled fiercely as I walked into the room. Alice was seemingly unfazed but even I was a little taken aback by Bella's anger. She hadn't been this aggressive since she awakened.
"Bella I've seen you in this night gown already! Give in and put it on," Alice replied crossing her arms.
"Your visions are not concrete in the least Alice!"
"Only a person's decision can change my visions, right?"
"Correct."
"Well if you've already decided not to wear it and I still you in it that makes what I saw pretty damned concrete!"
"Fuck you."
"Fuck you right back. Now put this on!"
Alice and Bella faced off in an intense staring contest as Esme and I looked on in silence. Bella was fuming with her fists balled at her sides while Alice stared back expressionless and holding out a pale pink satin knee length night gown with a lace hem and v-neckline. After so long, Esme finally stepped forward.
"Can I just ask why you don't want to wear it, Bella?"
"I just…," Bella began but then ducked her head low making her hair curtain her face and wrapped her arms around her waist. "Don't want anyone to see…me," she finally mumbled.
"Honey, I don't know if you view this as the same but when Rose first brought you here, we all helped bathe you. We've already seen…," Esme trailed off at the end sympathetically.
We had all seen Bella's body and I could understand completely why she would feel uncomfortable showing much of herself. There wasn't much she could do about the scars on her face and honestly compared to the rest of her, her face was not so bad. There were just a few scars scattered along her jaw and one odd bite over her eye. Below the neck however was just…awful.
"I know," Bella replied her soft voice becoming impossibly softer. She opened her mouth a few times to speak but then closed it right back before sighing in defeat. "And the men will stay gone all weekend?" she asked.
"They won't be back until 5:23am Monday morning," Alice assured her.
Bella took the gown from Alice and moved to the corner of the room to change. Esme, Alice, and I all immediately began to change into our night clothes as well not wanting to make Bella change alone. I was glad that Bella had decided to wear the gown but I was a little pissed at Alice for making her do it. I mean why didn't Alice just but her a nice fucking pair of pajamas that came with pants! Would it fucking kill Alice not have things her way for once in her damned life! For a split second I thought about chucking my own damn nightie and sliding into something of Emmett's just to piss the little sprite off.
I decided against it though for Bella's sake. It would probably be best if we were all dressed somewhat the same. Even though everyone else's pajamas including Esme's were a bit slinkier. When everyone was into their jammies, Alice turned out the lights in the bedroom and put Chocolat in the DVD.
"Oooh! Johnny Depp!" Esme exclaimed clapping her hands excitedly. "Good job, Alice!"
Alice smiled smugly and curtseyed gracefully.
We all moved to settle down on the huge palette Alice had made on the floor. She had taken out Esme and Carlisle's bed so that the palette would cover most of the floor. It was padded with tons of blankets and pillows. I glanced at Bella to see how she was before lying down on my stomach. My anger toward Alice flared once again as I saw that Bella's eyes were glazed over letting me know that if possible she would either be in tears right now or on the verge. She shoulders were pushed back and her held was held high showing her defiance and/or confidence. She lowered herself down to my right resting on her belly as well but made sure that she was not boxed in.
"Which one is Johnny Depp?" Bella asked a few minutes into the movie.
"He's not on the screen yet," Esme replied.
"But don't worry you won't miss him, he's as beautiful as a human can get," Alice added.
"I thought you two liked blondes," I asked quirking a brow at them. Esme giggled and Alice shrugged her shoulders.
"Maybe I just like guys whose names start with a J," Alice retorted.
"What's your justification mother dear?" I asked.
"…I just like people with penises?" Esme responded uncertainly but my jaw dropped at her answer none the less. Alice and Bella's jaws were on the ground as well. Esme giggled at our reactions and turned her attentions back to the screen. I couldn't believe that our sweet old matriarch had said something like that. Esme was always a little more ribald when it was just us girls but never had she said anything as smutty as that! I had to admit…I was pretty fucking impressed.
I noticed how quiet Bella had been during the whole conversation and turned to her bumping my shoulder against hers.
"What about you?" I asked. "Blondes, Brunettes, or Penises?"
Bella bit her lip and shrugged noncommittally.
"Maybe you enjoy unique red heads? Of the copperish, bronze variety?" Alice probed suggestively.
"My mate is a blonde," was Bella's curt reply. I didn't know if she was still smarting from being forced into the nightie or just didn't want to talk about Edward.
"Do you miss him terribly?" Esme asked leaning her head forward so that she could see Bella's face better.
"Only when I let myself dwell on how alone I am and probably always will be. I've had very few people who actually wanted me in their lives and he was one of them," Bella answered wistfully.
"Well now you can add us to the list," Esme smiled slowly reaching over to grab Bella's hand. We were all now accustomed to the fact that any physical contact with Bella had to be obtained very cautiously. Unless you were me, Bella never had a problem with my touching her.
Or Edward…
"We want you with us, Bella," Esme said.
"Yes, of course," Bella replied in a placating tone but not seeming as if she really believed it. She turned her eyes to the screen and her eyes lit up. "That must be Depp."
Esme, Alice and I looked at the screen and we all sighed in appreciation. "Yeah," Alice swooned.
Edward
I stomped the dirt trying to even it out after burying the mountain lion. When I was done, I perched on top a boulder and shook my head as Emmett approached me looking like something out of a horror movie. His shirt was in tatters around his form, barely even a shirt at all anymore, with blood splattered all over him.
"Did you even get to drink anything," I asked.
"Yep," he grinned proudly holding his head high in triumph.
"You look like you had a run in with Lizzie Borden," I told him.
He guffawed like the big oaf he was making the sound echo throughout the forest and probably sending any prey within twenty miles running.
"I'm a man!" Emmett said thumping his fist on chest. "Unlike you, I don't feed like a prissy little bitch!"
"Nope," I agreed. "You feed like a rabid dog."
"Speaking of rabid, what's going with you and Bella," Emmett asked.
A growl erupted from me automatically. "Say something about her like that again and I'll take your fucking head off," I seethed furiously.
Emmett put his hands up in surrender and rolled his eyes. "Learn to take a joke, Ed," he groaned exasperatedly. "You know that I'm Team Bella."
I rolled my eyes and took a deep calming breath. I knew that Emmett was right and that I'd overreacted but I couldn't help it. I was overly sensitive when it came to Bella. I think she was affecting me more than I was affecting. I had set out to make her feel safe and comfortable around my family and me. As time went on though I seemed to be reacting more to her fear that everyone was against her. I found myself ready to jump down the throat of anyone who had the slightest negative thought toward her even if I knew that they didn't mean any harm.
"Sorry," I grumbled averting my eyes from my brother.
He shrugged his shoulders already having forgiven me. He leaned against the a tree and crossed his arms over his chest as he regarded me carefully. He was thinking of all the time I spent with Bella and how obvious it was that I really cared about her.
"This is something you plan to keep at friend level or something you want to take further," he asked me.
I sighed knowing by the tone of his voice that he was not playful and crude Emmett anymore. Right now he was perceptive and wise Emmett. That made me feel a little bit better about embarking in this conversation with him. Usually I reserved talking about my feelings regarding Bella for my own contemplation or for Alice. Emmett could be pretty insightful when he wanted to be and I was way of out my league. I needed all the help I could get.
"I don't know," I finally answered. "I do care for her and the way I feel when I'm with her…I want to feel that every second of every day. I can never be sure how she feels though. I mean sometimes she's really open and relaxed but more often than not she's reluctant and defensive. Right now I just want to take what she can give me," I told him honestly.
Emmett nodded his head in approval. "That's probably for the best. I know it's hard to see someone you care about struggle when you know that things don't have to be that way for them, but sometimes the only thing pushing them does is make them push back," he told me. "There are times to be insistent and times to just let them be. You're a smart kid, it won't take you long to learn the difference."
I snorted a laugh at the fact that he called me a kid. It was true that physically Emmett was three years older than me but really I was fourteen years older than him. Emmett was more experienced though when it came to women. He'd had relationships before his change and obviously after, not to mention things with him and Rosalie had not started out so smoothly. It had been rough for them because of Rose's past, but they worked through it. It was that reason that made Emmett's words of advice invaluable to me.
"Hopefully I'll learn sooner than later. I always feel like she's one foot out the door," I told him.
"The last time she jumped ship you found her. I don't know how because Rosie told me just how thorough Bella hand been in scattering her scent but you brought her back. If she's always ready to run, you simply have to always be ready to chase," he said.
I nodded my head again knowing that he was right. Sheer drive, frantic determination, and single minded focus allowed me to track Bella down that day. It had been hard but I'd did it and I knew if need be I could do it again.
Before Emmett and I could finish our conversation Jasper and Carlisle came back and it was time to head back home. It had been a fun weekend and I was beyond sated. Through out the whole drive my mind stayed on Bella. I had missed her more than I thought I would over the weekend and I was just itching to see her. When we got close enough to the house I began searching out Bella's mind hoping that she wasn't denying me today. I smiled when I saw that her mind was indeed open and she was in my bedroom. Was it crazy and presumptuous to think that she may have just missed me too?
I was out of the car and up the stairs before Emmett had even came to a complete stop. I found her standing with her back toward me facing the corner. I could see through her mind that she was looking at my guitar that I propped up there.
"Always the piano," she mused quietly. "How come you never play this?" she asked turning slowly to face me.
I shrugged my shoulders not being able to hide the smile that immediately graced my lips when I was able to see her face.
"I'm better at the piano," I told her.
"Practice makes perfect," she replied. "I want to hear you play…," she began but was cut off as a loud moan echoed through the house. I squeezed my eyes shut as I saw Rosalie looking down at Emmett between her legs. I wished like hell that I didn't have to be privy to this type of stuff but there was no way for me to turn off my mind reading.
Apparently everyone had really missed their mates over the weekend because it seemed like everyone was about to have sex. Awful images bombarded my head until suddenly I couldn't see anything in my head except for myself because Bella was looking at me. I opened my eyes and saw that there was a smug smirk on her face. "See how useful I am, Mind Reader?"
"Thank you!" I breathed more grateful than she would ever know. I couldn't see my families escapades anymore but Bella and I could still hear them. I could tell that she was very uncomfortable with situation just as I was. Her face was fixed in a frown as she fidgeted and shifted her weight from one foot to the other. Feeling the urge to help her again, I grabbed her hand and tugged her toward the window.
"Wanna get out of here?" I asked even though I knew she wouldn't object.
She glanced at her hand in mine for a second as some unfathomable emotion flashed in her eyes. I could feel that amazing electricity between us as our skin touched and I wondered if that's what she was reacting to. I couldn't be for sure though because she had taken away my gift entirely now.
"Let's go," she replied nodding her head and stepping toward the window as well. We dropped down to the ground and set off at a run. Bella disentangled her hand from mine and I put a lot of effort into not letting the disappointment show on my face. I kept running with her following my lead wordlessly. We reached my meadow quickly and I stopped letting her enter the clearing first.
"This place is beautiful, Edward," she whispered walking to the center and lowering herself down to sit on her calves. She leaned forward to smell some of the wildflowers that were around her before looking up at me with brightened eyes. "I love wildflowers. They grow naturally. No one planted them, so when you see them you know they are exactly where they were meant to be, where they want to be," she whispered.
I smiled and moved to sit across on the ground across from her. She was in one of my Dartmouth sweatshirts and the jeans I'd worn the day before I left. I could smell our mingled scents and it was intoxicating. I wanted to hold her hand again but I didn't know how she would respond. I opted to just keep my hands to myself not wanting to risk souring her mood.
"Never thought about it that way," I replied turning my gaze from her to the flowers around us. They were beautiful and they did smell good but I they were not my favorites. "I prefer white ginger," I told her.
She looked up at me with a question in her eyes, "Really? That's different. I've never known anyone to favor them, though they are beautiful," she replied.
"It's the smell I'm partial to," I said staring into her eyes. "It's what you smell like. White ginger and nectarines. If I were human I would most definitely favor the fruit as well."
Bella's stared at me with a blank expression for what seemed like ages. I was nervous and anxious to know what she was thinking but I returned her gaze with an outward calm. When she finally looked away from me, her eyes scanned the woods around us quite thoroughly until looking back at me.
"I don't want you to talk like that, okay?" she finally said.
"You don't want me to tell the truth?" I asked.
"You know what I mean, Edward," she replied narrowing her eyes at me and she was right. I did know what she meant but again I didn't understand why. "It makes me uncomfortable when you talk about me like that."
"I can't tell you that I like the way you smell? You tell me all the time. Apparently it's part of the reason why we share a closet."
"I like your scent because it keeps me calm, makes me feel…better and that's all. I think there's a little more to why you like my scent," she said.
"Bella I'm not trying to flatter you into a relationship with me. The feelings I have for you are new to me and a little overwhelming. I am content with being your friend though. I would just like to talk to you and spend time with you. I'm sorry I make you uncomfortable but I don't know what's right and wrong to say. All I know is what I want to say," I responded earnestly.
"But if I tell you not to say something again, will you stop?" she asked.
I nodded my head and that seemed to appease her. She breathed a small sigh of what may have been relief but I wasn't sure.
"I don't know how good of a friend I could be to you, Edward. We are very different from each other. I…like…being around you too but I'm not very trusting. I like my space too much to be close to anyone. I'd rather think than talk and…," she began reluctantly but I cut her off.
"That doesn't matter," I said. "We can just keep things that way they are. There is no mandatory make up needed for a friendship to work. We can keep doing we what always do. I'll keep hanging out in your room, you can keep hanging out in mine. If you feel like talking we will and if you don't we won't," I shrugged nonchalantly.
She sighed and looked away from me again. Her brow was furrowed and I could tell that she was thinking very hard about what I said or how she wanted to answer. I watched as she opened her mouth several times to speak but closing it soon after, saying nothing. Her contemplation slowly morphed into frustration and then anger. Her fists balled at her sides and she growled low but still ferocious.
"Fuck Edward!" she half yelled half groaned. "I don't know what…I can't…I'm just so afr…," she trailed off in defeat after not being able to actually verbalize what she wanted to say. The distress was clear on her face and it pained me that nothing came easy for her. For everyone else agreeing to be someone's friend just happened, for Bella it was a grueling decision making process. I leaned forward encircling my arms around her and held her to my chest. She exhaled loudly before melting against me.
"It's okay, Bella," I crooned. "It's just me. I'm not looking for anything to change between us…," I began but this time she cut me off.
"They will though, Edward, and that would be bad. It would be wrong," she muttered into my chest. I could feel her gripping the back of my shirt but tried not to focus on it too much. It kind of turned me on and this was definitely not the time for that.
"Look Bella, can we just not think about what may or may not happen? Let's just focus on today, right now, right this second. Fuck two minutes and two months down the road. Right now we're in this beautiful meadow not listening to my family go at it like rabbits. We're just hanging out and being Bella and Edward, whoever the hell they are," I said letting my hands run through her silken hair.
She sighed and nodded her head. "That'll work."