DUN DUN DUN!!!
Chapter Ten:
"…Do we really have to wear these?" Itachi asked slowly, feeling oddly exposed in the leather Speedo-like pants and a red cape. He held a shield in his hands, and tossed it back and forth lazily.
"Yes!!" Pein exclaimed, "It is absolutely necessary!"
"…How the hell am I supposed to fight in this?" Konan asked, tugging on the tin fabric of her Grecian styled dress, "It seems like it'll fly off at any second."
"No it won't," Pein denied, trying to push the thought of it out of his head, "But now we strike!! Konoha shall not stand for much longer!!"
"This is madness," Kisame murmured as he blushed a light purple and he fidgeted in his outfit. Pein snapped his head over to him.
"Madness?" He asked angrily, jumping in front of the blue gilled man, "This! Is! AKATSUKI!!!" He angrily kicked the gilled man onto his back. He stood over the 'fallen' Kisame, who just stared up at him with a raised eyebrow.
"Can we fucking go now!?" Hidan asked angrily, "Jashin-sama needs his fucking vengeance!!!"
"Shut up," Kakuzu growled, not to pleased with the choice of outfit.
"We already wasted thirty fucking minutes so we could stop and change into your stupid outfits!!" Hidan continued as he completely ignored Kakuzu, shaking his fist at the leader, "We need to go!!"
"We need a plan," Zetsu said, the only one followed to stay in his cloak, "If we just charge in there like this we'll die. It's eight against several hundred shinobi."
"Fine," Pein grumbled, upset that the plant man managed to outsmart him, "Stupid plant-man."
"You said that out loud, Bastard."
"How about this, un!" Deidara said, not wanting to put up with the oncoming argument, "Itachi can place them all under a genjutsu, and Kisame and Konan can take out those that noticed it. Meanwhile, I'll throw bombs on them from above. Hidan can take out a mass amount of people if he just decapitates them, un, and Kakuzu can use his heart things to fight several people. Tobi can…er…what can you do, un?"
"I will kill them all," he said in a creepy voice. Everyone stared at him for a moment and backed away.
"Er…you just kill off whoever you can, un," Deidara reasoned, sweat dripping from his brow. 'Creepy, un.'
"Meanwhile," Pein jumped in, "I shall take on Shizune, the she-devil who dare threaten our organization!!"
"What about Naruto-kun?" Itachi asked blandly.
"You can be in charge of that," Pein said bluntly, "I shall be a moment, hold on!" He pulled out a scroll (from where no one knew) before summoning the six paths of Pein.
"Since when could you do that?" Kisame asked.
"Since none yah business," Pein snapped back, "Now…We shall take from them nothing, and give them everything!!"
"…you mean 'Give them nothing, and take from them, everything'?" Konan asked slowly.
"Yeah, what she said!!" Pein said quickly, "ONWARD, HO!!!"
"What'd you call me?!" Konan, Deidara, and Hidan asked angrily. Pein felt sweat drip from his brow.
"…nothing, never mind."
-
The remaining Akatsuki (basically everyone but the six paths of Pein) Glared at the remaining Konohagakure nin s they stood against them. There plan didn't work out to well, and several people dispelled the genjutsu before they could do too much damage. All the civilians had been moved to the safe place in the mountain and only shinobi were out and fighting.
"What are you here for!?" Tsunade demanded angrily.
"Revenge!" Pein exclaimed, pointing at the Hokage angrily, "You henchmen Shizune sent us febreze!" Silence swallowed up the Akatsuki.
"You're here…because someone sent you febreze?" Sakura asked slowly, seeming unable to comprehend this.
"Yes!!' Pein said angrily, "Why is that hard to understand!?"
"…I didn't send any febreze," Shizune said with furrowed eyebrows, "…why would I do that?"
"Because we switched your weapons with scissors!!" Pein exclaimed, for the first time at a complete loss. Shizune's eyes widened.
"O-Oh…that was you?" she said, before blushing and rubbing the back of her head, "Hah-hah….Oops?"
"I TOLD YOU!!" Naruto cried from the crowed, before fighting his way forward. He was wrapped in bandages, and glaring at Shizune with what looked too be tears in his eyes, "I told you it wasn't me!!" He began to sob, before dropping to his knees and turning his face to the sky, "WHY DOESN"T ANYONE TRUST ME-HE-HE!?!?!??!" Tsunade sighed.
"Sakura, please escort him off of the field," she said, and Naruto suddenly got a brave look.
"No! I will defeat the Akatsuki!" He yelled bravely, "NO ONE CAN KEEP ME FROM EXECUTING MY VENGEANCE!!!!" Tsunade just whacked him on the head, Knocking him out, before getting the medic nins to place him in hiding. In actuality, they just placed him behind a bush and covered him in mud, but it managed to fool the Akatsuki.
"Um…no it didn't," Pein said, looking upwards toward the sky, "We can obviously see him." The sky darkened, and clouds split to reveal two angry brown eyes glaring down at him.
"Listen, bitch, are you the author?" a feminine voice asked in an amazingly scary way.
"…well, no, but–"
"Then silence yourself!!" The voice cried, before lightning cracked, and caused a great rift to appear between the Akatsuki and the shinobi of Konoha, "Do you dare utter such blasphemy in my un-holy presence?!"
"OI, bitch!" Hidan yelled angrily, "You can't tell me what to do!! I only listen to Jashin-sama!!!" The two eyes moved to Hidan, and stared at him incredulously.
"Really?" She asked, her voice no longer scary and actually quiet amused and slightly distraught at the same time, "do you REALLY not recognize me at all?" She sounded annoyed now, as if she were about to break down into hysterics. Hidan's eyes widened.
"OH EHM GEE, is that you, Jashin-sama!!!??" He cried. The girl cackled.
"Yes!! I AM THE ALMIGHTY JASHIN-SAMA!!!" Kisame blinked, before looking at Hidan with a raised eyebrow.
"…your god is a chick?" he asked. Hidan glared at him.
"YOU HEATHEN!! How DARE you insult Jashin-sama!?!" Hidan yelled angrily, pointing at him.
"Good boy," the newly dubbed Jashin-sama said, before tossing down a person from the skies, "Here, have a sacrifice." Hidan wasted no time in catching his sacrifice and slinging it over his shoulder, knowing now would be a bad time.
"Thank you, Jashin-sama!" He said with a grin reminiscent of a child who had just gone trick-or-treating and had gotten five pillow cases full of candy. Jashin then seemed to shrink in size before majestically floating down from the skies and landing on the Akatsuki's side of the rift.
Only to trip and almost fall on her face. Luckily, Hidan, being the faithful follower he was, caught her and easily steadied her.
"Thanks," Jashin murmured, before brushing invisible dust off of her clothes, and turning to the confused Konoha shinobi. She pointed dramatically. It was really quite comical to see her pointing so threateningly at shinobi who were all taller then her (she was only 5'1 ½") and all considerably more threatening looking.
"Look! I don't really care what you do to all the other freaks," She motioned to the group behind her, ignoring their mumbling protests, "But I'm taking Hidan with me, so bugger off. The lot of you." She sighed, "This is what I get for messing with destiny," she murmured, causing several people to raise eyebrows.
"Huh? Came from the crowd. Jashin-sama sighed.
"Okay, you should all sit down, this might take a second," she instructed, and they all did so. She turned to the Akatsuki, and using her all-mighty-Jashin-powers moved them over closer to the rift so she could face everyone. She turned to Hidan.
"Hidan! Be my chair!" she instructed.
"Of course, Jashin-sama!" he cried, before bending at the knees in what looked to be a rather uncomfortable position. She walked over, her sparkling white Grecian styled dress (with an even awesome-er cape) swishing behind her even though there was no draft or anything (being a goddess had its perks). She sat on his lap, ignoring his wince, and crossed her legs politely.
"See, it all began a little over three years ago when I decided to make Naruto-kun over there," she motioned vaguely to the bush where he was hidden, "Ask his sensei a question as he returned from a mission to wave…"
-
AND THE SECRET IS OUT!!!!!!! SOON, ALL WILL BE REVEALED!!!!
I am grieved to say, that the next chapter very well may be the last. Unless I decided to mess with them some more (after stealing Hidan all to myself) and create an EPIC sequel (about what I do not know, but I do know that Hidan will be the epic and un-holy messenger of the awesome Jashin-sama and will periodically be sent down to reek havoc upon the innocents) the story will officially close with the next update.
Yes, I am as distraught as you all, but I find that this shall be a fitting ending to the tale of woe that surrounds the Akatsuki and their failure plans, Naruto and his scissor phobia, and the tragedy that is a essentially Sasuke-less story (Amazing, isn't it?). Alas, 'Scissors' is the Romeo and Juliet of the CRACK NARUTO UNIVERSE.
Haha, that's so weird. Seriously. I was planning on having someone speak in 1337 (Leet) speak through the whole next chapter. A sneak peak if someone can tell me what 1337 speak is, because at my school no-one knows what the HELL I'm talking about.
So…review? Please?? I'd like this story to hit 100 reveiws…that's my goal, and if it does I'll be so happy!!!!
Anyway, if you haven't voted on my poll in the profile, please do so!! EVERYTHING IS TIED!!!!!! HELP MEEEEEE!!!!
Sayonara!!
B.E.N.
(It forfex is scissors in latin, would the scientific term for the phobia of scissors be forfexphobia???)
(Oh, and for what Jashin looks like, again, just look at my profile and facebook and myspace.)
(oh, and I apologize for any british slang that gets thrown into the mix. I'm OBSESSING with harry potter. Badly, too. Especially Draco Malfoy (Tom Felton) Mmm...Death Eater...)