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"Catnip, I've seen Mellark. He's been in love with you for years."

I really don't see how this is relevant to our conversation, but I nod him on, curious.

"But here's the thing Catnip," He says, taking a deep breath, "So have I."

I don't even know what my life has come to anymore. It used to be lined up in perfect precision, wake up, hunt, school, trade, home, sleep, repeat. Now I feel like my life is a jumbled up ball of romantic mush.

Gale and Peeta told me they love me.

But here's the thing: I'm no good at this stuff. All the romantic things going on between me and Peeta, Peeta's been the one instigating them. I just kind of go with whatever he does or says, because I'm clueless.

But Gale. Gale is my friend. My best friend. Nothing more, nothing less. I love Gale, yes, but I love him like a brother.

Apparently those feelings aren't mutual.

To my everlasting credit, I didn't run off when he told me. That's a step up from what happened with Peeta though, right? The difference is that I don't want to be with Gale…like that. But I do with Peeta.

I'm extremely confused.

When Gale told me his story, about how he saw me as a friend until a little over a year ago when Darius was flirting with me and he realized that 'he minded', I kind of just stood there, hearing him out. I honestly didn't have the patience or time for this romantic fluff.

I asked him why now. Why, after all this time, tell me now? When I was going to go on a Victory Tour with Peeta! When I had a fair chance of being killed! Why now?

I remember his respond, clear and simple, "Because it's not too late, Katniss."

What? How is it 'not too late?' I'm leaving tomorrow!

"We could do it, you know," He says, gravely, "Take off, live in the woods."

"They'd catch us."

"Maybe," says Gale, but he doesn't look very convinced.

"We wouldn't make it five miles."

With that, I turn around and walk away. As enticing as leaving the District might sound, I know we can't. What would happen to Peeta? Our friends? Family?

Of course, we'd take our family along. Gale and I had discussed this topic in depth before. The thing is, how would we provide food, shelter, and clothing for six people not including ourselves?

It's true, we wouldn't make it five miles. Not with fragile Prim, or little Posy. We probably wouldn't make it under the fence before one of them stopped.

I know we have to stay.

It's dangerous being so close to a Victor, I know that. I know that if I had never gone to see Peeta that one day in the bakery, none of this would've happened. My life wouldn't be in danger. But I wouldn't have Peeta.

I wouldn't trade Peeta for the world.

…

Today the train is leaving for District 11.

Last night, the nightmares returned.

The visions of mutts, of Cato, of Rue, in a bloody mess, they haunt my dreams all night. I'm kicking and thrashing, my bed wet with sweat. I wonder if these nightmares will plague me for the rest of my life.

The train departs at 10:00 in the morning, and I am meeting Katniss at the station, along with Effie, Haymitch, Portia, and my prep team.

When Katniss arrives, I feel drowned in guilt. It's my fault, it's my fault that her life is in danger, it could be my fault that she dies. This thought urges me on to perform better than I ever could have before.

I see how the Capitol works, simple, cruel, but effective. The omnipresent threat, worse than anything that could be inflicted upon me: hurting my loved ones.

Hurting my Katniss.

…

I don't go to see Peeta until we're on the train. Luckily, there were no cameras on the platform, but still, you can never be too careful.

I walk to his cabin and knock slowly, three times. Peeta opens the door for me and I walk in.

Peeta looks terrible. His eyes have bags under them, practically purple in color, his hair is a mess, his whole demeanor screams insomnia.

"Peeta," I walk over to him, my voice soft, "Are you alright?"

"Nightmares, Katniss," He says back, his voice sounds dead tired, "And you."

And me? What does that mean? I look at him questioningly, waiting for an answer.

"The mutts…they came for me. And Rue, she died, again, and again, and again, and I had to watch, Katniss. It was terrible…" His eyes are haunted, looking off into some faraway distance that only he can see.

Now I can truly see the hell that Victors live through. The Games aren't ever really over, really gone, for them. Every time they shut their eyes, all they see is the bloodshed, the killing from the games.

I don't know what to tell him.

"Peeta, Peeta, shhh," I coo, attempting to sooth him, his head rests on my lap and my hands run through his hair, "I'm right here, it was just a dream, Peeta."

"But what if it wasn't Katniss," He says, his voice broken and fragile, "I know it wasn't real, but it could be. In the future. If I mess up, even just once, Katniss, they're going to take you from me, hurt you, torture you, kill you," He sounds like he wants to torture himself right now, "I can't let that happen, Katniss."

"You're not going to, Peeta. I know you, I know you won't," I say resolutely, my voice sounds much surer than I feel.

It's not that I doubt Peeta, because I don't, not at all, I'm sure he'll be perfect, it's just that I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to stand up on stage with Peeta and be a trophy, smile when I'm supposed to smile, wave when I'm supposed to wave, kiss him when I'm supposed to kiss him.

I don't trust myself to save Peeta.

A/N: EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN!(Cue the Dalek voice(: ) Katniss views herself as headstrong, responsible, mature. When she says she doesn't trust herself to save Peeta, she means that she thinks she might mess up, saying something, doing something that the Capitol doesn't want, thus ensuring Peeta's punishment.

She has no doubt in her mind that Peeta will bring her home safely, but she's saying that if she messes up, she will be tortured/killed, and that will get to Peeta, turn him into a different person, different from the person she so loves because of his goodness.

So you see, Katniss is actually a very loving and selfless person, she just puts up a front of indifference. She loves deeply, but not widely.

I'm going to add some more fluff later on in the Victory Tour, just wait for it :D It's actually pretty hard to write fluff/smut, especially from a guy's POV.