"You're a messy eater," Fitz teased as he grabbed the napkin from next to his plate and handed it to her with a smirk which caused her to become a tad disappointed, but she hid it behind the fake smile she gave him.
But perhaps she deserved this. After all, the last time she wanted Fitz to kiss her, they made love and she ended up leaving and breaking his heart the following morning as a result, so he was obviously being cautious and guarded now and he had that right. She had to earn him; she had to make the moves now because he was the one who always made them, so it was her turn and she was trying. She was thinking.
"Well, when you're eating chili likes this it's hard not to make at least a small mess." She replied with a roll of her eyes, chuckling softly as she brought the napkin to her lips and wiped them, as well as the corner of her lips.
He just smiled at her, finding her so adorable in this moment. With chili smeared on her cheeks and her being embarrassed by it; it was cute. The silence started to become a little awkward because neither knew what to do or say and Olivia wanted to do something. She wanted to kiss him, or maybe at least sit next to him and just be close. Sitting next to him would be okay, right? She felt like it would be. So with her mind made up, Olivia shifted as if about to stand up but what Fitz said next prevented her from moving.
"I forgot to tell you," He started, clearing his throat. "I have to head to California the day after tomorrow for a few days." He informed her, his voice sounding a little sad now.
"Oh." She said quietly, sadness and disappointment present in her own voice at that new information. That meant her plans for earning him, the thoughts and ideas she had, would have to be put on hold and that really disappointed her. "How come?" She asked, poking at the fries on her plate with her fork, seeming disinterested in the food now.
"Andrew is heading down for a charity he does every year and he wants me to go with him. It would be good for my Presidency and you know how I love supporting charities, so I accepted his offer." Fitz answered, noticing how sad and quiet she seemed now and he felt the same way. He just got back to D.C.; he was exhausted beyond belief and he had wanted to spend some time with Olivia, but he kept reminding himself that she needed to earn him now. That maybe some time away might be good, maybe it was what they needed. Some time on their own to think things over after everything that happened lately. Maybe when he'd return, the situation between the two of them would be clearer. But it didn't help the extreme sadness he felt about having to leave her. She'd been away from him for six months, she just came back, and now he had to leave again. Despite wanting her to earn him and be sure she wanted this, he didn't want to be away from her anymore.
"Right. Makes sense. You keep to keep your public image strong." She nodded in agreement and heard him let out a sigh in response, which caused her eyes to lift from her own plate and to rest on his face.
"It's not just about my image, Liv, it's about helping people. And I figured that while I'm down there, I could head to Santa Barbara to see how the ranch is doing." It had been years since he had been there and he'd been wanting to go for some time. It was a beautiful, quiet and peaceful place and Fitz always thought of it as an escape, but he was never really able to utilize it due to his father being there, but now, he could. Maybe he would be able to visit it every now and then and if he and Olivia really got together, he would definitely be taking her there. Granted she had been there during their first Campaign Trail, but it wasn't the greatest, most fun time, and now that his father was gone, he could be there alone with Olivia. Let's not get ahead of yourself, Fitz. He warned himself, knowing he needed to keep himself from getting excited at the thoughts of the future with Olivia.
"Okay, well, make sure you have plenty of clothes packed. Am I going to need to choose your ties? You were never really good at choosing them yourself." She teased him with a wide smirk, trying to make the mood light again, but she was still feeling very down and disappointed. What if something happened? What if she never got her chance to earn him? To prove that she was back for good? It scared her to think about and she mentally cursed herself for even waiting so long.
"Ha. Ha. You're hilarious." He rolled his eyes with a grin, remembering all the times she had to choose his ties for him because he wasn't the best when it came to matching, but through the years, with her help, he got better at it.
"More hilarious than you." She retorted with a smirk and let out a small chuckle when she heard his mock gasp.
"Ouch! You're still on me about not being funny? I can be funny, Liv. I /am/ funny and maybe I've become funnier during the last six months." He argued with a chuckle, his own laughter intensifying when Olivia joined in with her laughter. It was good to laugh with her like this again. It was nice to have a good time with her again without worrying about what tomorrow might hold. To just live in the moment, in the now with her and smile and laugh. With a smirk, he picked up a fry from his plate and tossed it at her; the fry hitting her chest gently before landing on her hand which made him laugh more.
"Hey! What was that for!?" She giggled, picking it up and tossing it back at him which he easily caught with his hand and popped in his mouth, eating it.
"Because you're making fun of me!" He smirked, leaning back against the couch and smiling at her as both their laughter started dying down. The silence settled in again, but this time it felt more comfortable and light than before and both of them liked it. They smiled at each other for a few silent moments before Fitz suddenly realized something. "I just realized I didn't get us anything to drink." He laughed softly, getting to his feet and heading into the kitchen. "Wine?" He called out and she nodded even though he couldn't see her.
"Yes, please!" She called back with a smile, munching on a few more of her fries until he came back with two wine glasses and the bottle of wine. He set the glasses down in front of both of them, popped out the cork and filled her glass first and then his own which made her grin.
"Wow." She said with a smirk and he gave her a smirk of his own, although his eyes held confusion.
"What?" He asked, pushing the cork back in before setting the wine bottle on the table and sitting back down.
"You're drinking wine. That's really surprising," She teased and Fitz let out a soft laugh accompanied with a shrug.
"I told you I'm off scotch now. I've always liked wine, but it was never my first pick. I've started to like it more and more recently." He responded, bringing his glass to his lips and Olivia did the same.
Olivia found it surprising that he actually gave up on scotch, but she was also impressed and extremely proud. Fitz drinking scotch wasn't something Olivia liked and in fact, it worried her because sometimes he drank it out of anger which only intensified his anger and sometimes she worried he would hurt himself or do something reckless, but now he was off of it and she felt very relieved. Although, she was curious as to why.
"Why did you give up scotch? If there was one thing I didn't think you would give up, it's scotch" Olivia joked with a soft chuckle and Fitz cleared his throat, almost in an uneasy way. She found it strange that he didn't laugh back.
"I just...decided it was time to let go of scotch. That's all." He answered with a shrug while avoiding her eyes. He seemed uneasy with that question and his response was the same; almost as if he really didn't want to discuss it, but she didn't understand why. The way he answered so quickly and almost sharply made her wonder if there was more to it than that than just it being the time to let go and she was debating asking more, or asking if he was at least okay, but she didn't want to push him or make him upset so she let it go. For now. And that was something Fitz was extremely grateful for and he tried his best to hide his uneasiness with that subject and quickly moved on to something else; he didn't want to seem mad at Olivia because he wasn't, but he just really didn't want to talk about scotch and his reasons for giving it up.
"So," He started with a smile and she smiled back.
"So?" She repeated, placing her elbows on the table and laying her chin on her hand with a cute smile, her eyebrows quirking with interest.
"How is OPA? Were they happy you were back?" He wanted to engage in conversation with her; to talk about anything and everything, and he honestly was curious about how it went when she got back to OPA. Her leaving upset everyone at the firm and he wondered if they were warm and welcoming or cold and distant.
"Happy is a bit of a strong word." She commented with a small smile, reaching for her glass of wine and taking a sip of it. Fitz quirked a brow, watching her closely and listening closely. "I went back yesterday after I came to see you and not /everyone/ was happy." She shrugged, clearing her throat before continuing. "Huck and Harrison were glad I was back. Well, Harrison sort of was glad. He wasn't happy I left in the first place, especially since I never told him goodbye..." A sigh leaked from between her lips and she took another sip of her glass of wine, her voice softening and her lips forming into a slight frown. "It'll take a while until things get back to normal." She added with a small nod to herself.
For a moment, after she mentioned not saying goodbye to Harrison, it seemed that Fitz was thrown somewhere in the past. As if he wasn't there with her anymore. As if he was reliving something. Which he was. "I know how that feels." He whispered, his voice quiet and if it wasn't for her sitting beside him, she wouldn't have figured out what he said. So, he was reliving the day she left without a word and a wave of guilt hit Olivia as soon the realization settled in and her eyes lowered to the glass that she was holding; watching the red liquid inside it as she absentmindedly tilted the glass from side to side.
"I'm sorry." He apologized with a sigh, wishing he hadn't of said that for fear he ruined the mood, but it was already becoming depressing with the current subject anyway. What has gotten into him? Tonight was supposed to consist of a nice dinner and a few light conversations. It was about rekindling what they had, or at least trying to. It wasn't about bringing out old and unpleasant memories.
"It's fine. I deserved that. I should have said something to you, but I couldn -"
"And Huck?" He suddenly cut in which caused Olivia to become confused.
"What?" She asked, not sure what he meant.
"You said Harrison and Huck were happy to see you, but was he angry, too?" He asked and Olivia knew why he changed the subject so quickly. He didn't want to talk about what happened six months ago; about how she left without a word, and truthfully, she was thankful for that, and given how he didn't sound angry when saying it, it made her even more relieved.
"No, Huck wasn't angry. He was the only one who understood my wanting to leave and he was happy I was back, unharmed and safe." She explained with a smile although it was partly sad. There were moments like these that reminded her that she did have some people in the world that cared deeply about her and that she left them behind. That she was selfish enough to leave them behind only because she was scared and felt bad.
"And Abby?" He asked which caused Olivia to smirk and Fitz quirked a brow at that. "What is that look for?" He questioned.
Olivia laughed with a shake of her head. "You actually called her Abby this time. Six months later and I thought you would still call her Gabby." Olivia teased with a small laugh.
Fitz naturally moved his shoulders up and down and gave a small smile. "After you left, she stayed around and tried to help us out at The White House so I figured I should call her by her real name and treat her better than I did the first time. She's a nice girl, very smart and hard working. But she's also really sarcastic and she won't hesitate to right you if you're wrong or go off on you for things." He explained everything he knew and remembered about Abby which caused another laugh to escape from in between Olivia's lips.
"Yeah, she told me about how much nicer you were to her whenever she helped you and you even apologized to her. If there's something Abby appreciates, it's being apologized to. At least she was nicer to you because right now, she isn't too happy with me." Olivia said with a sad smile.
"Didn't she know you were leaving?" He asked, leaning against the table again.
"Yes, but she wasn't happy about it and I don't think she expected me to be gone for six months. They struggled at OPA while I was gone. They didn't have much work, so they didn't have a lot of money to take care of themselves with the exception of the savings account I left them. I had a lot of money stored away on a private account that I reserved only for important times and I felt that this was important, but other than that, they hardly had any work." She explained with a shrug of her shoulders, accompanied by a small sigh. "No one wanted to go to them, no one wanted their help, especially without me there."
"That's why she wanted to help out at The White House." He stated with a nod and Olivia nodded in return.
"Mhm. She said you were generous and that you would help them whenever they needed it." She said with a sweet smile, loving that Fitz would take care of her family like that even though she left and broke him.
"They deserved it. After everything they've all done for me, I wanted to help them, too. Especially Abby for sticking around even when everyone, including me, acted like jackasses the first day she was there." He sighed, still feeling bad about that. "And I knew that with you gone, it wouldn't be easy for them. People go to OPA for the OP, Liv. For Olivia Pope." He said softly, and Olivia looked down. "Your team is great, they're amazing, but you're /the/ Olivia Pope. You're the greatest, no one can do what you do or the way you do it. You're the best fixer, the best manager, the best..." He paused, hesitating and that made Olivia look up at him. "at everything. The best woman...the best person." He added just as softly and Olivia felt her cheeks heat up at his words. He was always able to fluster her, to embarrass her in a good way and to make her feel like she really was the best. He always believed in her, he always made her feel good physically and emotionally and he always complimented and praised her.
"Thank you." She whispered with a wide smile, trying to hide her red face. But there was something she wanted to bring up, something she wanted to talk to him about. Something she knew would be painful for him, but she had to. She wasn't there for him back then, but now she wanted to be. And she could tell that it still ate him up inside, that he had no outlet so now, he did. Or at least, she hoped he would also see it that way.
"Abby said you stopped eating. After...Jerry died and I left, you hardly ate, you hardly slept. You weren't yourself. And Cyrus told me you had a lot of nightmares and you withdrew from everyone." She said and Fitz's face fell. The air, the mood, immediately changed for the worse. It went from sweet and light hearted to painful and depressing. Jerry dying and Olivia leaving was the most devastating time of his life and he never wanted to relive it, he never wanted to think about it. Why did she have to bring this up? Why now?
"Liv," He said in a sad, warning tone, lowering his head to avoid her eyes.
"Fitz," She quickly said to prevent him from changing the subject or leaving and she even reached her hand out to lightly touch his. "I know it's been six months and that I shouldn't be bringing it up right now, but I /have/ to. I need to. I have to talk to you about what happened. What happened to you..." She whispered, her voice sad and sympathetic; apologetic and guilty. "They said this went on for weeks, Fitz. They had to practically force you to eat and that you had to get on medication in order to sleep, but that they didn't help your nightmares. You blamed yourself for what happened, you starved yourself and all you would drink was scotch. You –"
"Stop!" He suddenly shouted, his eyes full of water as she said all of this. He couldn't break down, not right now. He didn't want to think of everything that happened six months ago. This was supposed to be a fun dinner between him and Olivia, wasn't it? So why was she turning it into a depressing night?
"Just let me -" Olivia tried, but she was cut off again.
"No, Liv!" With that, he gathered the boxes and plastic wear and stood up before walking into the kitchen in hopes to avoid this conversation. He angrily dropped everything into the trash and walked to the sink to wash his hands.
Sighing, Olivia quickly got up and followed him into the kitchen, watching him closely. "So, you're just going to drop this conversation? You're not even going to let me -"
"This is not a discussion we are going to have." He said through gritted teeth, rubbing his hands under the running water. Almost aggressively.
"Why don't you want to talk about it with me, Fitz!?" Olivia asked, desperate to have him open up to her, to have him let her be there for him now since she wasn't those months ago.
"It happened six months ago! Why do you want to talk about it NOW, Olivia!?" He shouted which caused her eyes to go wide. He used her full name and in moments like this, it meant he was serious and angry. Very serious and angry, but she didn't stop there. She didn't let it deter her. Just like when she was angry, he never let it deter him.
Shaking her head, Olivia took a deep breath to hold back her own tears, but that became increasingly difficult when she saw how full of hurt his eyes were and how his tears were already falling. She watched him still wash his hands and she was bewildered by it. The way he was roughly scrubbing his hands was odd, but then she remembered; he carried his dying son. Fitz carried his dying, bleeding son. The blood that tainted his hands from the moment he ran to Jerry's side.
She hurried up to his side and turned off the water before grabbing his wet hands and turning him to face her.
His body turned to face hers, his eyes full of pain and sadness, from guilt and regret and Olivia's heart immediately broke. "I wasn't there for you," She stated, her own voice full of guilt and regret. "I wasn't there for you six months ago, so let me be there for you now, Fitz. /Please/." She whispered, letting go of his hands and bringing her hands to his face to keep him looking at her; her thumbs lovingly stroking his chees. His expression was so broken and tired, and so hesitant and cautious. She could tell he was debating opening up. Not just because he didn't trust her as much, but also because of how sensitive the subject was. Talking about it meant reliving it, and he just wasn't ready for that.
"You haven't had an outlet, Fitz. You haven't properly...dealt with what happened, you haven't been allowed to grieve or talk to anyone because you didn't have anyone and if I hadn't left, you would have had me..." She whispered guiltily, her thumbs still stroking his cheek and he tried so hard not to fall into her embrace. He couldn't let himself do that, but she was obviously trying so hard. The last time Fitz had broken down with Olivia was after his father died and he knew he could count on her when it came to moments like that, but given everything that happened recently, he was still a little cautious.
But at the same time she was right. He had kept mostly everything inside and he didn't have anyone to vent to or to let his emotions out; he never had anyone to talk to, or to help him. The person he needed to do that with left him, so all he had was Mellie, and while he did grieve with Mellie, he never let himself break down in front of her again and he never completely opened himself up. Not like he could do with Olivia. He let Mellie break down, but he remained strong and kept everything inside while turning to alcohol, coffee, and sleep in an attempt to comfort himself. But with sleep came nightmares, and with nightmares came the fear of sleeping thus leading to little sleep. Nightmares about his son, about having his blood on his hands, and about Olivia leaving him. He never talked to anyone about those nightmares.
But Cyrus knew. Fitz had given him a brief talk about them, but only mentioned having nightmares and there had been one time Cyrus walked in on Fitz while he was sleeping alone in the guest room and he heard him asking for Olivia and another time when he was apologizing to Jerry, much like he did when he was at the hospital after he died. It was heart breaking to see and hear, but Fitz really never had anyone to break down with, to really let all of his emotions out with, so all this time he kept them built inside. Yes, he had nights when he cried, but it wasn't enough. He needed someone, he needed Olivia. And she had left.
Fitz remained silent, leaning against her hands, but still trying not to melt from her touch. He didn't feel ready to open up with her again. Not just yet, but he did appreciate her trying so hard to be there for him now. Six months later, she still knew him. She was still able to read him and know how and what he was feeling and she still cared, but he still felt hesitant with her. What if he did open up and at some point, for some reason, she left again?
Olivia frowned at him, She could tell he was still hesitant and unsure so with a sigh, she lowered her hands from his face. "Look, we...don't have to talk about it. Not yet, not until you feel ready, okay?" She offered with a sad smile, feeling disappointed but she knew she only had herself to blame. Slowly, she lead him out of the kitchen and to the living room, over to the couch where she sat them down. "I'll be right back." Olivia said as she turned around and just as she was about to start walking away, Fitz spoke up which stopped her from leaving.
"I can still see and feel his blood on my hands." He commented, staring down at his hands which were slightly shaky.
She frowned deeply again, her heart breaking for him so instead of leaving the room, she sat down with him and waited for him to say more about what happened. If he wanted to...
...A few hours passed and Olivia and Fitz had talked about everything that happened as well as some other things; both about Fitz and Olivia. They ended up getting off of the depressing topic of Jerry's death, Olivia's sudden disappearance, his nightmares etc and they ended up talking about other things like what she missed politics wise while she was gone. Any new staff, any new scandals, how both parties were doing, and then they talked about other random things and before they knew it both of them had drifted to sleep. Fitz was laying on his back with Olivia partly on top of him and partly between him and the back of the couch. Her head was on his chest with her right arm stretched across his chest, hugging onto him, and his head on the arm rest while his own arms were wrapped securely around her.
They both looked so peaceful in the position they were in but soon enough, Olivia's eyes fluttered open. She smiled softly to herself, feeling extremely comfortable with where she was at, but then she realized what happened. They must have fallen asleep and she hadn't expected that to happen. She slowly pushed herself up into a sitting position and glanced over at the clock on the couch side table which read 2:13 A.M. She groaned to herself, letting her head fall back against the back of the couch as she brought her hands up to rub her forehead. She hadn't meant to fall asleep; she hadn't meant to stay the night. That wasn't supposed to happen.
Sighing, Olivia put her hand on Fitz's chest and gently shook him and he started to stir, groaning tiredly and gently swatting the hand away which made her giggle and shake him again. "Fitz." She called, shaking him a little harder. "Fitz, wake up."
"Mm..." He groaned, his eyes slowly opening. "What time is it?" He asked tiredly, his vision slightly blurry but it soon started to clear.
"It's two-fourteen in the morning. I should get going." She stated hesitantly, sliding her way off of the couch and he sat up with a sigh.
"It's late, Liv. You don't have to go." He said, yawning.
"I do. I hadn't meant to stay the night, Fitz." She smiled apologetically and he nodded. They were taking this slow, they were being cautious and her staying the night wasn't either of those two things. Fitz agreed with it; her staying the night felt a little too soon, too, even though deep down he wanted her to. He wanted to lay in bed with her and wake up with her in the morning. But they couldn't...He wanted her to keep trying, to prove to him that she was in this for good.
"I'll call you later." She pecked his lips quickly with a smile, knowing he probably wouldn't kiss back, before gathering her things and exiting the Presidential Residence.
Still on the couch, Fitz let out a heavy sigh and dropped his head into his hands for a few moments before standing up and heading to the bedroom. The night went pretty well, and Olivia did great in his opinion,, but they still had some ways to go. It wasn't enough just yet. She usually ran when things got tough and/or deep, so he had to make sure she wouldn't run away this time. And until then, he couldn't let himself open up completely or completely trust her. His mind replayed all the times she left him, even after he willed to give everything up for her, and those memories made him extremely cautious and his mind kept screaming at him to resist and hold back until she /really/ proved to him that she wasn't going to leave. That she really did want to be with him and meant it. And if things got tough and she was still around and it didn't deter her, than that would be a good thing. A great and amazing thing. But as of right now, nothing was making it too tough.
Unfortunately, that was about to change.
A younger man in his mid to late twenties hurried into his office in the press corp area of the White House, quickly shutting the door and pulling out his phone.
"Hey, guess what I just saw?" The man said with a smirk, leaning back in his chair after he sat down. "Olivia Pope was here. At /two in the morning/, man! She was coming from the Presidential Residence side, I'm sure of it." He chuckled, starting to type something on his computer. "Yeah, hold on a sec." He lowered his phone and fiddled with it a little bit until he brought up the picture he took of Olivia leaving the White House grounds, seeming to be in a hurry as if wanting to be undetected and unseen. He then sent the picture over and brought the phone back up to his ear. "How's that for proof?" The man said with a smirk, glancing at his computer screen. "You're damn right we have a story..."
((New update, yay! Sorry if it took long, but some chapters get longer so we tend to take a little longer when re-reading it and editing them, but we thank you for your patience and we hope you're still enjoying the story and are planning to stay until the end! A lot happened in this chapter, especially emotionally, and Fitz opened up a little bit because Olivia wants to be there for him! We believe he really didn't have anyone to properly grieve with and vent to, hence why all of that happened. Also, any ideas or assumptions as to why Fitz quit scotch? :P Hope you enjoyed this chapter! More to come! Review sare more than welcome and thank you for them all!))