I wanna' get a quick one in before the holiday, because I'm gonna' be grilling my ASS off! So, ok here we go…
Last we left off, Hulk had to prove JUST who he is to a counter clerk at a grocery store in Fukushima. So, naturally, we're going to join up with…ummmm…let's join up with—aw FUCK IT—we'll join up with the nWo!
Otacon: So, Scott…do you know a guy named Jake Roberts?
Hall: You mean Jake "The Snake"?
Otacon: Yeah, you ever meet him, or anything?
Hall: Hahaha…chico, he's my road dog! I mean, I hang around him pretty much as often as I do with big Kev.
Otacon: Wow…I've always wanted to meet him. He had one of the most brilliant wrestling minds, like EVER!
Hall: Yeah, I'll have to give you that one, Otacon, mang.
Nash: Yeah, just be careful when he goes on one of his famed "crack fits".
Otacon: Wha? Did you say "crack fic"?
Nash: No, not "Crack FIC"—that's what WE'RE in right now. I'm talking about a "crack FIT"—you know, like a Honda FIT, but it…just has crack in it, that's all.
Otacon: Oh…so he DRIVES a Crack FIT?
Snake (impatient): No, you simpleton! He's talking about Jake's well-known crack habit! GOD you're fucking stupid.
Otacon (thinking): OHHHH…NOW I get it!
Hall and Nash just look at each other, shaking their heads.
Otacon: So, what about them? How does he act?
Hall: Hahaha…Chico, I can tell you soooo many stories.
Nash: OOH—tell him about that time when he tried to rob that one chick at the mall!
Hall: Shit! Yeah, mang! Ok…Otacon, we were in this one mall, right? It was me, big Kev, and Jake. Jake saw this one chick who just got done at the ATM machine. We noticed immediately when he got that "glimmer" in his eye, that he was about to make a bad decision.
Kevin: Yeah, and we TRIED to stop him and talk him out of it, but he had his mind made up. You see, he did like, 7 lines before we even got IN the damn mall.
Hall: So, you KNOW Jake was feeing like he could do no wrong.
Otacon: Damn…ok go on…
Kevin: Well, Jake goes UP to this chick, and me and Hall both turn around and start heading in the opposite direction, because we didn't want ANY part of that shit, there!
Hall: Well Jake goes up behind her and pulls out an empty Heineken bottle from his tights. He puts it on her back—open end in, you know, so that it feels like a gun-and she yelps a little and slowly raises her arms as Jake is in back of her, just grinning and whispering something in her ear.
Otacon: Wow, so what happened next?
Kevin: Well, we see the cops coming and we just duck into the closest store to get a better vantage point because, by now, we already know that ol' Jake was on his way to jail—only HE didn't see the cops yet.
Hall: Yeah, so me and the big mang were peeking around the corner of this one store across the way, when we heard the cops yell "FREEZE! DROP YOUR WEAPON!"
Nash: Jake…being JAKE, turned around and actually pointed the bottle at this young lady's head. This dickhead was yelling "No YOU freeze, or the I'm shooting the girl!"
Hall: The cops looked at each other and laughed. Jake was all like "I MEANT IT—I'LL SHOOT HER!" Then he suddenly took off running toward the food court. Thwe cops yelled "HEY, GET BACK HERE!"
Nash: We saw the cops looking for him in the food court, but the coke must;ve been talking to him, or something because when we saw him peeking around the corner trying to evade the cops, he was ASS-NAKED!
Hall: Hahahaha! The people were screaming and gasping, a couple of old ladies fainted and, of course, Jake took the time to bend down and snatch their purses. Oh, one of the husbands tried to stop him, but Jake kicked him in the midsection and DDTd the dude right on the floor.
Nash: The police turned and yelled "HEY YOU!" Otacon, I'm telling you that I've NEVER seen Jake run so quick!
Hulk: Well everyone knows you ain't—you ain't catchin' no crackhead, brother!
Snake: Haha…true, true.
Hall: Anyway, the cops wound up catching him eventually. You see, a little girl saw Jake running from the cops in his birthday suit—powdery moutache, and all. She was drinking a lemonade from the pretzel stand and saw Jake running her way. She poured the drink all over the floor and Jake slipped and slid into the athletic store sideways, knocking the coat rack over.
Nash: AAAAhahahahaaaa! Now THAT shit was funny. He looked like he just got thrown out of the ring by Goldberg, or someone. You should've seen it—the one girl was cussing him OUT as he was trying to shake the stars off!
Hall: Yeah mang, when the police hauled ol' Jake out, she smacked him in the back of his head for "messing up her display".
Otacon: Daaaaamn…sick, dude.
Kevin: So, in other words—just say "no" to crack, dude.
Ok, let's let them play a little while longer and join up with DX and Harry, as they head toward Oxford…
HBK: Looks like we're getting close to Oxford, guys.
X-Pac: Yeah, I just hope the women aren't as stuck up in Oxford as that one bitch was back at that rest stop. My face STILL stings, man.
HHH: I meant to ask you—what made her slap you, dude?
X-Pac: You ever heard of "making a mountain out of a molehill"?
HHH: Yeah, so?
X-Pac: Well…that's what that uptight whore did! I didn't say anything I wouldn't say to any other pretty girl I see!
HBK: Well, what'd you say?
X-Pac: Look, all I said was that I'd like a pair of her panties so that I could make some soup, that's all.
HHH, HBK, and Harry all look at each other and then back at X-Pac…
HBK (sarcastically): Gee, was that IT? And here I thought you said something offensive.
X-Pac: Yeah, I know, right? I mean…wait—HEY!
HBK: X-Pac, I swear, dude—you can suuure be DUMB sometimes.
HHH: Hey, we're getting near Oxford!
Harry: There's this one restaurant I LOVE going to in Oxford!
HBK: Yeah? What's it called?
Harry: It's called "The Turf Tavern"!
HHH: Hmm…what kind of food do they have?
Harry: Oh, very fresh, simple, standard fare—fish and chips, oh, and they sometimes have a special—bacon and egg ice cream!
HHH: Can I pin it?
Harry: "Pin it"? I'm sorry Hunter, but I'm confused.
HHH: Can I pin the ice cream?
Harry: Wha—NO you con't pin the bloody ice cream! Anyway, they have the most DELECTABLE streaky bacon!
HHH: Can I pin the bacon?
Harry: C'mon HHH!
HBK: Hahaha…hey how's their fish and chips?
Harry: It's dynamite, mate! It's served with mushy peas and good malt vinegar!
HHH: Can I pin all three, then? How about that?
HBK AND Harry: NO!
HHH: Oh, c'mon! I always pin my food before I eat it! Even my FOOD has to job to the greatness that is I!
HBK: Put a sock in it, Hunter.
HHH: I shat not put a socketh inneth it!
X-Pac: Oh boy, here he goes again…
HHH: For it is written—On the 7th day, God created the Gameth, and on that day, he said, letteth there be lighteth,…and I pinnethed it!
HBK: Hunter, don't start—
HHH: Chill out, I'm not finished! On the 8th day, God spoke, er, SPAKETH to me—GO to Jerusalem, my child, you will find some dude named Jonah inside of a whaleth. He will jobbeth to you and the whaleth will also! For there will be a lobster, and he shall possesseth a referee shirt and he'll make the counteth.
X-Pac: You're full of shit, Hunter. You know that, right?
HHH: Well I wouldn't say that, X-Job.
X-Pac: What'd you call me?
HHH: Job-Pac.
X-Pac: Oh no, not THIS again!
HHH: What do you JOB, job job job?
HBK (whispering to X-Pac): I hope Steph doesn't call him, they're newlyweds and I don't think Steph's seen THIS side of him.
HHH: Hey Job, job, job job job job, job-job?
HBK (rolling his eyes): YES Hunter, I THINK if you ask nicely, the front manager at the restaurant will let you go over clean on her, but THIS time—no humping the person you're pinning, huh?
HHH: Job. I'm Triple-Job.
HBK (sighing): Fine then.
We'll let them continue forward and we'll join back up with…umm…The Hardys, and company…
Lita is going through her pics on her cellphone…
Lita: Matt, baby…are you still mad at me?
Matt: …
Lita: the only way to get past this is to talk it out, honey.
Matt: …
Lita (sighing): Ok then, fine. DON'T speak to me, then.
Matt looks over at Lita thumbing through her cellphone to find pics to post on her LiveJournal page. Curiosity's getting the best of Matt as he starts to glance over more and more often at Lita's phone…
Lita (still looking at her phone): I know you're looking, Matt.
Matt: I am NOT!
Lita: Matt, quit bullshitting me! I SEE you! Now, do you want to talk to me, or not?
Matt (whispering): SHH! You're gonna' wake Dora! You remember how long it took for us to get her to go to sleep!
Lita: Oh, that reminds me, Katherine—thanks for summoning that CM Punk dude from 2010. He explained that he remembers 2002, but didn't yet have that GTS finisher thingie he did to Dora, haha!
Katherine: Eh, no problem, babe!
Matt: What are those pictures?
Lita: Well, since you're FINALLY talking to me again—I'll let you look.
Lita hands Matt the phone and Matt starts going through the pics…
Matt (finally smiling): Hey, I remember this—this was when we went to Cancun that one year! Oh, and THIS one's from when we flew to Hong Kong!
Matt thumbs through a few more and hits a new album…
Lita: Oh, these were photos that Trish sent me. I deleted all of the one's I didn't want.
Matt (smiling still): Ahahaha! Here's Trish's reaction at that one surprise party we threw for her to celebrate her second title reign!
Lita: Remember when Terri Runnels passed out drunk in her chair and Goldust teabagged her?
All: AHAHAHAAAA!
Jeff: Hey, I got one—remember, at that SAME party, when Sexual Chocolate Mark Henry was getting chaed all over the building by a half-naked Mae Young?
Matt: Yeah! HA!
Matt continues going through the pics and hits another album. He sees the first pic and smiles devilishly at Lita…
Matt (whispering): Um…you sure you want this on your phone?
Lita (whispering): Of course, you fuddy-duddy! When you sent me a pic of your semi-erect cock, it melted my heart, baby, tee-hee!
Matt: I love you, baby!
Lita: I love you, too!
Jeff: What's all the fuzzy lovin' for? What are you two up—
Suddenly Matt's face contorts into a disgusted frown…
Matt: Wait a second! Lita—what is this! Who's fucking dick is THIS?
Lita looks over and smack herself upside the forehead…
Lita: Matt, I-I meant to erase it, honey! I SWEAR!
Matt: Look at the SIZE of this thing!
Lita (desperate): Well-well isn't it yours?
Katherine: BWAAAHAHAHAAA!
Matt: SHUT UP, KATHERINE! Look, don't bullshit me, Lita! Look at mine back on this pic here and look at this one! This…thing here looks like someone cut off a midget's leg and glued it on their stomach, or something!
Lita: Well…well…I found your secret porno collection!
Matt: No you didn't!
Lita: Have you noticed some editions missing, like #48 of your favorite fetish magazine?
Matt: You DIDN'T—
Lita: Damn right I did! Why are you looking at someone's Pomeranian eating a woman out?
Jeff and Katherine: UGH! EWWWWWW! MATT!
Suddenly, Dora wakes up—with a knot on her head from the GTS laid on her earlier, lol…
Dora: YAAAY, YAAAY, GOOD MORNING, PEOPLE! WAS SOMEONE LICKING A PUPPY-DOG?
Katherine (thinking quickly, waving her hands): Tables, Ladders, Ladders, Chairs, I call forth CM punk to materialize out of thin air!
Dora: OH NO!
CM appears out of thin air, as the "car" is moving, he has his hands on his hips—like a superhero, or something…
CM Punk: Sorry I gotta' do this! -Go to sleep!
Punk tosses Dora in the air like a pizza and the other side of her forehead lands on his kneecap and she peacefully falls back asleep.
CM Punk: I'll be unavailable for a while, I have a poker game tonight. Damn shame, that kid's forehead's gonna' end up looking like a giraffe's when she conmes to, haha...See ya' later!
Punk's body twists and contorts as he disappears in a ball of light.
Lita: See what you almost DID, loudmouth?
Matt: Hey, I'm not the one with naked men in my phone!
Lita: No, YOU just have naked WOMEN under our bed—thinking I wouldn't FIND that shit!
So, Jeff and Katherine sigh and cover their ears as Matt and Lita continue to argue.
And, with that, I'll end it here tonight. As for Los Guerreros and crew—meh, I'll get with them next time. I have to get packing to leave for the holiday. I hope all of you (who celebrate it) have a nice 4th of July! And no trying to pin the food, either!
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See you next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!