Chapter 9
As Giles pulled into the Summers' driveway, Buffy undid her seatbelt, then Faith's, going around to the other side of the car to extract her from it for the last time that day. As she lifted Faith with her arms under her back and knees, she could feel the familiar tension in her body that the dark slayer had shown earlier each time she went to carry her, her obvious discomfort, and for a moment Buffy's heart sank. Why was she still doing that, why did it bother Faith so much for Buffy to touch her, especially in light of what Tara had told her?
But then Buffy realized… that probably wasn't it, or at least not most of it. Just as Faith had been nervous before going to face the Scoobies, she was probably nervous about facing Ms. Summers… maybe even more so. Faith had always seemed to like her, and Buffy's mother had certainly liked her as well… it would have to be hard for her to come in, after all that had happened before, and not only face up to her, but also stay at her house.
That had to be it… after all, since Faith's short-lived death and her resuscitation, she had seemed a little less guarded to Buffy, a little more accepting of Buffy's lack of ill intentions towards her. In the car ride to Buffy's house, she had made a few sarcastic Faith-like comments, even if they were muttered less loudly and proudly than Buffy was accustomed to. And again, she had allowed Buffy to touch her several times- helping her sit up after awakening in Xander's basement, touching her shoulder as she told her something, carrying her back up to Giles's car and buckling her in- without getting too tensed and rigid in her posture and expression.
All of that Buffy had taken to be very good signs. Faith never returned her touching, but she did not fight or flinch away from it either. Based on this and the occasional quick flicker Buffy saw cross her eyes at her touching, she suspected Faith wasn't opposed to it, but rather was not sure how to respond.
Shifting Faith a little in her arms, trying to make her more comfortable in her position even if the girl wouldn't help herself by relaxing a little, she started towards where Giles was waiting patiently for them on the doorstep, having gone on ahead of them.
"Faith, it's okay," she told her quietly, soothingly. "Don't worry, it's just Mom. She's not going to do anything-"
"Just your mom?" Faith repeated, looking at her incredulously. "You say that like it's nothin', B? She's your mom, and she's a Summers woman. I should probably be fearing for my life about now, 'cuz she's totally gonna kick my ass." She laughed, but Buffy could hear the forced quality to it and knew Faith was almost completely serious.
"Hey, stop it," Buffy told her with mock sternness, smiling at her reassuringly. "She's fine with you being here, Faith, I told you that. She's probably been worried about you all day long. So relax, okay?"
On impulse, Buffy leaned her neck to kiss the top of Faith's head as she reached the doorstep. She could see Faith looking up at her sharply, startled, with a confused frown… but she also saw the hesitant pleasure in her eyes, and Buffy's skin tingled briefly with delight.
As Giles glanced back at them, then rang the doorbell, Buffy realized that she was feeling a little nervous too, in spite of herself. How was her mother going to react, really? Buffy had thought she had a good idea and that it was a positive one, but you couldn't ever know these things for sure, obviously. And she hadn't told her mother about her feelings for, obviously… what kind of reaction would she have with that?
Maybe tonight wasn't the best time to tell her. Maybe she could let that one go a while… make that definitely.
As Joyce Summers began to open the door, Buffy could feel Faith growing denser, heavier in her arms, her increased tension making her dead weight despite her slenderness. Buffy shifted her hold on her again, briefly hugging her more closely against her in an attempt to give her some comfort.
At first glimpse from Buffy's point of view, at least, her mother's face looked nearly as tense as Faith's, guarded, and her smile was not quite genuine, but rather slightly forced. However, as her eyes flitted from Giles, slightly in front of the girls, to the two clearly nervous and weary Slayers, Buffy still holding Faith in her arms as if she were an infant or child, Joyce's eyes widened, and her expression shifted dramatically. Her features softened, her forehead wrinkling with a clear motherly concern as she peered at her daughter and the girl she was carrying.
"Well, hello, Mr. Giles, thank you very much for giving them a ride, and doing so much to look out for them. I do appreciate it. Come in, you three," she said, gesturing towards the living room behind her. "Buffy, honey, are you sure you have her? Sit down, all of you. You look so tired… Buffy, isn't she too heavy for you? Not that you're heavy, of course, Faith-"
"Slayer strength, Mom, I'm fine," Buffy replied dryly as she set Faith on the couch, then sat beside her. Joyce did not sit, however, nor did Giles; both sort of hovered nearby, an awkward, suddenly energized tension between them as they glanced first at the girls, then each other a little too rapidly. If Buffy hadn't been so tired and knew how nervous Faith was beside her, she would have found this amusing. They'd been like that around each other ever since they'd had sex when Snyder's band candy had reverted them to their teenaged mindsets.
"Ah, well, yes, thank you, Joyce…" Giles said awkwardly, glancing at her quickly and beginning to shift his weight, his hand going up to fiddle with his glasses. Joyce's eyes darted hurriedly away as well, and she turned to Buffy and Faith with a smile that was at first slightly forced, but soon became genuine.
"Well, Faith, it's good to see you're awake and doing better. Do you have an idea of when she'll be able to move around more?" she asked Giles, glancing back at him before focusing her attention on the girls again.
"Well, we can't really know that now, of course…" Giles hedged, his eyes flicking over to Joyce as he continued to fiddle with his glasses. "Hopefully not too long, with Buffy helping her… I was thinking perhaps we should get her a walker, or something of that nature…"
"Yes, that, that sounds like a good idea," Joyce said quickly when his voice began to trail off, obviously not wanting there to lapse any awkward silences between them. Looking back at Faith, she said to her quietly, "It is good to see you, Faith. I've missed having you around."
At that, Faith looked up sharply from her staring into her lap, her eyebrows drawn together, forehead wrinkling with defensiveness- it was obvious she thought Joyce's words were sarcastic. When Joyce just smiled at her, however, and it dawned on her that she was sincere, Faith's expression faltered, growing bewildered, oddly vulnerable, in a way that made Buffy want to take her hand and squeeze it in reassurance. So far, her mother was reacting towards her much better than she'd even hoped… Giles was getting more of Joyce's awkward-treatment than Faith, strangely enough.
"Buffy, you're probably hungry, aren't you, honey?" Joyce was saying, and Buffy's eyes went to her mother, a little startled. "Mr. Giles, would you like something to eat or drink? And I'm sure Faith needs to eat as well. I figured that having only recently awakened, she'd need to eat soft foods for a while-"
"Oh, no, I'm, I'm alright, Ms. S, I don't need nothin'," Faith blurted out, her voice uncomfortable as she guiltily looked away from her. Buffy knew she was going into the guilty-shamed-quiet mode she had with her and Giles before going to Xander's, and when she'd actually been at Xander's. Putting a hand subtly on her arm, she spoke up in contradiction to her, deciding that she wasn't going to let Faith get away with going down that path again tonight.
"Yes you do, Faith," she countered, staring into her eyes briefly but meaningfully before turning to her mother. "Don't let her tell you that, Mom, she hasn't eaten hardly anything today."
"Well, then, of course she needs to," Joyce responded. "And you too, honey. Mr. Giles, would you like anything?"
Giles declined, and Buffy picked Faith up, carrying her into the kitchen. The two adults accompanied them, with Giles behind, and Joyce leading the way, still displaying some of the slightly skittish yet concerned energy she had before. Buffy took the opportunity to lean her mouth closer to Faith's ear, telling her softly, "I told you, Faith, it's fine. I'm eating too, it's not a big deal."
As she set her down in one of the kitchen chairs, Joyce was turning to talk to them as Giles stood in the doorway a bit awkwardly.
"Now, like I said, I thought you should probably start with simple things at first, Faith-"
"Ms. Summers, it's okay, I- you don't have to do this, I'm not hungry," Faith interrupted again, still avoiding her eyes, her shoulders hunching almost protectively. Buffy gave her an exasperated look, raising her eyebrow; Joyce, however, just appeared amused.
"Faith, dear, I do remember that appetite of yours, you know… now, I figured soft, simple, high calorie foods to get your metabolism started more efficiently. We already had Jell-O, pudding, and oatmeal, but I also bought a few things at the store. Let's see," she murmured, going to the food pantry and beginning to rifle through it, pulling out items as she spoke. "Ensure, protein shakes- we have some ice cream and popsicles. Baby food-"
"Baby food?" Faith blurted out in spite of herself, doing a double take. Buffy grinned at the stunned near-indignation on her face. Enough time with her mother, and Faith's quiet, downcast-eyes routine would have to come to an end.
"Well, yes, it's a good way for you to get enough healthy nutrients until you've had a few moe day to let your digestive system get up to par again," Joyce replied nonchalantly, seemingly oblivious to Faith's disbelief.
"Hey, don't knock it 'til you've tried it," Buffy said lightly, giving her a mischievous little smirk. "Those split peas are amazing, Faith."
"Well, Buffy, go ahead and get you two fixed up," Joyce told her, squeezing her daughter's shoulder and giving her a warm smile that did not entirely conceal the flicker of slight apprehension in her eyes. "Mr. Giles and I will be in the living room, we have a few things to discuss. Please don't try to cook anything that requires more than microwaving- the kitchen has just barely aired out from your last little attempt."
"Oh, you're such an exaggerator, that was over two weeks ago!" Buffy called out a little indignantly to her mother's and Giles's retreating backs, but they ignored her. Turning to Faith, she stood, beginning to go the counters where Joyce had laid out Faith-approved foods.
"All right, Faith, what do you want here? and if you say 'nothin'' again, I'm going to force feed you pureed broccoli and carrots."
Faith did not reply for a while, and Buffy looked at her more carefully, her eyes narrowing with some worry. She was sitting in her chair slump-shouldered, her eyes and head lowered, but Buffy could read the confused confliction in her features. She looked very young to Buffy then, somehow, and Buffy thought she knew what Faith must be thinking. She didn't deserve this, she didn't' understand why Joyce and the others were not showing her the anger and condemnation she had expected.
"She-she didn't have to do that," she said finally, her voice very quiet. "I- why would she buy that for me?"
"Because she wanted to," Buffy told her softly, trying to meet Faith's eyes. "She cares about what happens to you, Faith. All of us do. She cares about you…"
Her throat closed over unexpectedly, and she turned away, busying herself picking up a few items and getting some utensils and a straw. When she carried them back to Faith, however, her voice was calm.
"Here, how about two of these Jell-O cups, do you like red? And then one of the protein shakes. Or do you want something else?"
"That's okay," Faith said slowly, still seeming lost in thought. "Will you let me feed my own self this time?"
"Do you think you can get more food in your mouth than on the table if I did?" Buffy asked wryly, raising an eyebrow. When Faith just looked at her, no humor in her expression, she grew more serious, resting her hand briefly on Faith's back.
"How about I feed you the first cup, just to make sure you get some calories in you before you go to sleep or something. I'm not saying you will-" she said hastily off of Faith's look. "Just- I'll let you go to it with the other one, okay? And you can do the shake on your own too, since I've got a straw for you and everything. No chance of spills."
"You're enjoying this, aren't you?" Faith muttered a little sarcastically as Buffy pulled her chair closer to her, opening one of the Jell-O cups. Stopping her movements entirely, suddenly serious, and wanting her to see it, Buffy met Faith's eyes, shaking her head.
"No, Faith, I'm not. I don't mind helping you, I don't mind having to do anything for you that you need me to… but I'm not enjoying this, because I know you don't. I don't enjoy seeing you hurt like this."
Faith stared back at her, her eyes wide, somehow managing to hold strong sentiments of thought and emotion, and yet not being really easy to interpret. Her brow puckered, and she bit her lip briefly before looking down at the table.
"I… I'm sorry," she muttered, and Buffy could see that she had been shaken, for whatever reason. "I didn't mean…"
"Hey," Buffy took over for her, reaching out a hand to lay on her shoulder. Faith did not stiffen, exactly, but she remained very still, alert. Buffy could sense the quickening of her heartbeat, and a rapid warmth came over her when they came in contact. It tapered off in intensity after a few seconds, but she could still feel it, faint, but there…
It was enjoyable, strange… and oh so distracting.
"No sorries, Faith," Buffy went on quietly, squeezing the girl's shoulder gently and almost shuddering at the rush of rippling pleasant heat that ran up her arm. She felt Faith shiver slightly under her hand and knew she had felt it too. Keeping her hand there, trying to calm her rapidly beating heart and just barely slowing it, she finished up, "It's okay. Really. It's okay."
Faith lifted her head slowly, looking into Buffy's eyes with an intensity that seemed to be searching her out. Buffy waited, looking back at her, trying to show her a calmness and certainty she did not possess, along with support and affection for her she knew she did.
Eventually Faith nodded. It was brief, really more of a jerking of her head than anything else, but Buffy smiled, almost disproportionately relieved at the gesture.
"All right then… so that's settled. Now open up your mouth for gelatin goodness."
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Buffy had fed Faith one Jell-O cup, set her up to struggle with another, and had sat down beside her with a sandwich and piece of leftover pizza for herself before her mother and Giles finally returned to the kitchen. Buffy had almost forgotten about them entirely, but Faith obviously hadn't; as soon as they came into her line of vision, her eyes clouded over, and her head lowered, her shoulders drawing together. Her already clumsy handling of her spoon became even more awkward, and she dropped it, so that spoon and Jell-O bounced off her lap and onto the floor. Buff's heart squeezed in sympathy for her; clearly Faith was nervous, knowing that they had been discussing her.
She slipped a hand discreetly under the table, resting it on Faith's lower back, which only caused her to jump and glance at her in surprise. As Joyce bent to pick up the spoon and wipe up the Jell-O with a dishrag, she commented, "Well I see Buffy must have talked you into eating after all, Faith. That's good- you should probably have something every few hours or so for a while."
As she rinsed off the spoon and went to hand it to Faith, Buffy noticed that there was a difference in her expression now. Joyce was still smiling at Faith, a friendly, sincere smile, but there was no longer any lingering wariness in her eyes, the way she held her mouth. There was still concern in her gaze, but now it was almost entirely taking over her features. She was looking at Faith in the way you would look at an injured dog who was barking at you fiercely, or perhaps like a little girl who lashed out rather than cried when hurt. The increased sympathy and compassion in her
expression made it clear that she and Giles, whatever their lingering awkwardness together, had managed nevertheless to pull themselves enough to have quite a conversation.
Faith, however, would not look into Joyce's eyes, and so could not see this change. She held the spoon loosely in her hand, not looking up, not taking another bite of the Jell-O or a drink of the shake.
"I- that's okay," she muttered, beginning for the third time to backtrack down the frustratingly familiar path of talking Buffy was getting so tired of listening to. "I, I don't need nothin', Ms. S, I'm alright. I'm done now… I, I'll just…"
Joyce shot her a pointed, narrow-eyed look that Faith must have seen from the corner of her eye, despite her efforts not to, for it froze her, cutting her words off abruptly. As the girl bit her lip again, swallowing, Joyce's face softened again, going into the concerned-loving-but-firm Mom talking mode Buffy had known and dreaded seeing addressed towards her for so long. Sitting in the chair on the other side of Faith as Giles stood slightly apart from them by the counters, Joyce pulled the chair closer to her so it was facing her, touching Faith's knee so the girl was involuntarily forced to look up at her. When she spoke to her, her voice held the same conflicting tones of both gentleness and steely strength and authority as her expression.
"Faith, I'm sure that you've had these kind of talks until they were coming out of your ears today, but I'm going to ask you to sit through one more before the day is through," Joyce began quietly but firmly, holding Faith's dark eyes with her own. "I do not approve of many of the choices you have made, as I'm sure you could have guessed. What you chose to do will never be okay with me, and I could cheerfully kill anything that threatens my daughter or her friends without losing any sleep over it whatsoever. But… I also want you to know that for as logn as you have no intentions or desires to become that kind of threat again, then you are welcome in my house, for as long as you want or need."
Faith lowered her eyes, keeping her head lowered slightly, her shoulders pulled together tightly; she seemed to be waiting, bracing herself for more of Joyce's words to her. She didn't even seem aware of Buffy's hand, slowly, subtly rubbing across the small of her back in an attempt to calm her.
When no further words came, and Joyce just continued to look at her seriously, steadily, Faith looked up, the stunned incredulity in her eyes mixing with her guilt and shame evident in her creased forehead and knitted brows. She frowned at Joyce, seeming unable to understand her quiet.
"Is- is that all you're gonna say?" she faltered, the disbelief heavy in her voice.
"I think that pretty much says it all, don't you think?" Joyce asked her lightly, giving her a smile.
Faith did not seem to trust her own hearing; she looked around at the three of them, one by one, in rapid succession. Buffy could see her breathing quickening, the bewildered near panic coming across her features, and she quickly slid her hand up higher on Faith's back, rubbing its taut muscles and startled by the huge knots she was finding. They had to be painful, but still Faith seemed entirely focused on Joyce. If she even noticed Buffy's touch, she was receiving little comfort from it.
"But… but, Ms. S… Ms. Summers, I mean… you can't- I don't-"
"No, honey, I think that's enough for now," Joyce interrupted her in a gentle but firm tone, patting Fait's knee. "If you understand what I'm telling you, then that's all the discussion we need to have tonight. You're tired, I'm sure. After you finish up in here, I'm sure you and Buffy will be ready for bed, won't you?"
As Faith just stared at her, seeming unable to speak, Joyce stood up, leaning to quickly kiss Faith's cheek before going to stand behind her. Putting one hand on the still-gawking Faith's shoulder and the other on her daughter's, whose hand on Faith's back froze guiltily, she said to Buffy, "It's getting late, sweetie, I think I'll start getting ready for bed myself. Just clean up in here when you two finished, all right? Faith, if you need anything, just let Buffy know. I'm sure she won't be shy about asking me if you don't want to," she said a bit teasingly, giving her daughter a little smirk that Buffy returned to her gladly.
"Yes, girls, I suppose I will be going as well," Giles added. "I will stay in touch with you tomorrow, let you know whatever may come up."
He looked first at Buffy, then Faith, his expression growing more solemn as he met each pair of eyes.
"Do not worry- we will come up with something. Perhaps we won't even have to at all- perhaps this worry is needless…"
Buffy smiled back at him as she thanked him and wished him a good night. She had a feeling that her former Watcher was going to stay up all night thinking about what they would tomorrow- or at least fall asleep doing so.
As she finished up her sandwich and pizza, she realized that Faith was still quiet, still holding her spoon loosely without attempting to eat. Her eyes were narrowed, shadowed with thought and confusion in a way that made twinges of empathy for her squirm in Buffy's chest.
"Hey," Buffy said softly, reaching to touch her shoulder again. "You need to eat that, Faith. Okay?"
Faith looked up at her slowly, frowning as if she didn't quite understand what she was being told. Watching her, Buffy's chest twinges turned into full-blown aches.
She pulled the melting shake closer to Faith, sticking the straw carefully between her lips. Earlier she would have expected Faith to say something sarcastic, but now she just glanced at her briefly before beginning to sip it slowly, her eyes still hooded in a way that worried Buffy. She didn't make her finish her Jell-O; Buffy just threw everything away, then when she was finished with the shake, picked her up and carried her upstairs to her bedroom. Faith was silent, limp and almost heavy in her arms, and Buffy had to swallow down a lump that rose in her throat at the younger girl's clear agonizing.
Why was it that showing love and kindness to Faith seemed to scare her, confuse her, even hurt her rather than help and reassure her? How was Buffy ever going to be able to do anything that would make it okay for her to experience this?