Hello my darlings. I would like to thank anonkp, Petunia3116, French fan (Guest) and Scififan33for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update. You are all awesome.
Anyway here is the next chapter, I hope you like it. A lot of Deeks introspection. And as per usual the bits in italics are memories.
Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS: LA.
Deeks made it all the way to parking his car a block from the address Sam had given him. But he couldn't make himself open the door and walk towards it. Something was holding him back. A fear at what he could find ringing in his mind and freezing his body. He knew he should get it over with, just do it and see if his thoughts of G having an affair were true of not. But he couldn't. Because right then, at that moment in time, there was still a chance that it wasn't true. There was still a chance in his mind that G did love him, had always loved, and even had a damn good excuse for all the secrets he had kept from him.
But if he went to that apartment, went inside and discovered some sort of bordello-esque setting, then all his dreams would be shattered. All he held true and dear would disappear in smoke and he would never be able to get it back. He would never be able to return to G's side, be with him again. Because he would have lost his trust in the man he loved with all his heart. And that was something he knew that would never return, not after everything. No, if he found out G had cheated on him? That really would be the straw that broke the camel's back. Would be the end of the best thing he had ever had in his life.
"Oh god." He whispered into the silent car. He could feel his stomach turning as his mind offered unhelpful images of the man he loved with unnamed others. He needed to get out of the car.
Wrenching the door open he stumbled out, not paying any attention to where he was going as he walked forwards, trying to simultaneously stop his mind and keep down the little food he had eaten in the last 24 hours.
It wasn't until he stumbled, falling to his knees that he noticed he was no longer on the sidewalk but on the beach, the sand soft and smooth beneath his fingers, giving him nothing to grip onto as he clenched his fists against the pain inside him. At the confusion and grief and all the other things he had refused to allow himself to feel since turning up at the hospital and discovering G was not the man he had always thought him to be.
When the feelings retreated somewhat, giving him enough space to breathe now he had allowed them to wash over him. He could finally hear the one thing he had always found to be comforting to him. The sound of wave's relentless pounding upon the shore. A never-ending repetition of the movement of the ocean, washing away that which it deposited the time before. He raised his head from where it had been hanging and stared out at the blue, stared out at the people who were lying on surfboards waiting for their ride back to shore. Stared out at the kids running with buckets and squealing as the cold water raced towards them. Stared out at the happy calming scene of life moving on while he broke, and finally, finally, for the first time since Sam had told him about G's apartment, his mind cleared and allowed other thoughts in. Thoughts that did not contain betrayal or lies.
His mind came back to life. The detective in him woke up and for the first time he considered other possibilities. For the first time he could detract himself from his emotional involvement and see things from a different perspective.
It was then that it hit him. G had been living a double life, he had been keeping him, Marty Deeks a secret from those he worked with. A secret from his partner who considered him a friend. Sam words returned to his mind "I've even been to his place." G needed a home that wasn't theirs. Somewhere he could take his colleagues, his friends, so they never found out about who he was with. An apartment that no doubt everyone, with the exemption of Hetty he guessed, thought of as the home of G Callen.
It didn't hurt any less to see the possibility of the lengths G had gone to to keep him hidden, but it did give him the strength to stand. Because now he had another option, another possibility to hold on to when he visited G Callen's home. Something to give him some little hope that maybe, just maybe, there was a possibility that their relationship had not been broken beyond repair.
It was the new possibility that gave him the strength to turn towards the apartment building, to walk with confidence, and even smile at those around him. Though the latter he did more because on one side he was trying to blend in, and on the other he wanted to make sure no one was watching him. No one was staking out G's home in an attempt to finish what they had started with the drive-by.
It wasn't until he found himself at the apartment door that he found the small issue with his plan. The door was locked and he didn't have a key. Damn it. It was probably in with G's personal items, but they had been taken by Hetty back to NCIS headquarters. The same way any personal items of a shooting victim were always taken by those investigating it. But that really didn't help him now. Oh he knew he could call Hetty and ask her to bring him the key, he knew she would, hopefully, but he really didn't want her around when he first entered this place. He didn't want anyone to see what was on the other side of this door. Of course he knew that thought was irrational, I mean Sam had already told him he had been here, but that didn't stop Deeks thinking it.
It was then he had an idea. It probably wasn't the best one, but it was all he could come up with. Therefore trying to act normal, he found the bobby pin he kept on his belt. He mainly did it so if he ever got caught when undercover he could get out of handcuffs. Not that he had ever used it, nor in fact had it been his idea to carry it, but he did.
Of course as soon as he had it hand he remembered just whose idea he was, and the conversation that had caused him to always keep one close.
Two years and ten months ago…
Deeks was in seven heaven. He had just been confirmed as an undercover cop, finished his training and tomorrow he would get first assignment. His first chance of being someone else and getting away from the stares of the other detectives in the department. Get away from the talk about his previous partners untimely death. No, best not to think about that, ever again if he could help it.
Therefore turning his mind back to his new status within the LAPD he found he couldn't keep the smile, nor the relief, off his face as he opened the front door of the apartment he shared with the man he loved.
"Hey G you home?" He shouted as he closed the door. He really hoped he was, he wanted to share his news. His partner knew how hard he had been working so he could make the move to undercover, even if he didn't exactly approve of it.
"In the living room. I've ordered pizza, if you want some." Came back G's reply as he put down the book he had been reading and turned towards the entrance. He always loved seeing Marty, and found it very hard to keep his eyes off of his man. The man he had been with for over a year now. The man who still managed to amaze him and make him feel the light and goodness he had in his heart. A heart Marty was still happily sharing with him. It had even gotten to the point where Callen was no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop and just accepting his good-fortune.
Of course he hadn't been happy when he returned from an op in Eastern Europe to find Marty's bastard of a partner had been shot dead by some prostitute and Marty had decided to become an undercover cop. No that really hadn't sat well with him. He didn't want Marty to see that darkness, but however hard he tried, he couldn't persuade the younger man to not do it. It had been their only real fight in their time together and Callen had soon found himself relenting, backing off and offering Marty his support.
He couldn't lose him, even if he knew what danger he would be putting himself in. At least it was only in LA. It wasn't like he had gone off and joined some federal agency, or agreed to find terrorists or anything like that. Anything like the shit Callen himself did on a daily basis. At least in LA he knew Deeks wouldn't be in as much danger as he could be in a different country. Though that was mainly because he knew that in LA, Callen could always find a way to save him. There would be no jurisdiction issues in that case if Marty ever got caught. But still, he wished Marty wouldn't do this. Or if he had to, that he could give him all the advice he had accumulated through years of undercover work.
"Yeah sounds good." Deeks replied smiling at his partner, completely unaware of the thoughts going through G's head. He knew he wasn't gonna be too happy with his news, that he was going on his first assignment the next day. But after the initial anger, G had agreed with his decision to move to undercover. He would just have to convince G that he was gonna be okay. That he would be in no greater danger that he was as a detective, even if he knew that wasn't exactly true. He needed to do this, he wanted to do this. And he was glad the man he loved and seen that and had, well maybe not understood, but relented enough to agree to his decision.
"Why are you so happy Marty?" Callen asked smiling back at him, though he was pretty sure he knew the answer. It was the day he had been dreading ever since Marty had started his training.
"I got signed off as an undercover today." Deeks replied, moving to sit on the couch with G and slip into his arms so he could give him a gentle kiss in the hopes of stopping him from saying anything bad about his news.
"Congrats Marty, I know how much you wanted this." Callen replied still smiling though inside champing at the bit to try and find out how he could share some tricks of the trade without revealing how he knew. It was then his latest mission came back to him, and the darkest point of it reared its ugly head. He never wanted Marty to be in the position he had been in. But how to say it? Then it came to him.
"You know, I was reading this spy novel the other day, and in it the guy got caught and handcuffed to pipe. No one was coming as he was on a deep-cover op, but he had a bobby pin on his belt. He managed to get out of the cuffs and escape, making sure the intel he gathered got back to his superiors." It was a very abbreviated description of what had happened, and it missed out all the not so good parts, but it was a start of things he could offer to the man he loved to help him survive what was to come.
"Okay. What's a novel got to do with me becoming an undercover cop, G?" Deeks asked with a chuckle as he relaxed back into the older man's arms. He was pretty sure he knew the answer, and he had a feeling that G was going to be reading a lot of spy novels from now one. No doubt trying to foist the ideas from them upon him to keep him safe. It was rather adorable, but they were just stories. Things like that never happened in real life.
"Well I was just thinking that maybe you should do as he did. Keep a bobby pin on your belt." Callen suggested with a shrug, though he was already planning and thinking. He knew Marty wouldn't take his suggestion seriously, but it had saved his life more than once. Therefore he would have to make it so Marty did as he did. He would find a way.
"G, it's just a book. Fiction. Nobody does that in real life." Deeks replied turning in his arms so he could cup the other man's cheeks in his hands and stare into his eyes. Trying to say without words that he was gonna be fine. That he didn't have to worry, but he knew he would. It was who G was, he always worried about him. It was one of the things Deeks loved the most about the man he had decided to spend the rest of his life with. The man who held his heart.
"I just don't want you to get caught and have no way out." Callen responded gently, smiling into the blue eyes which always held a sparkle. He hoped against hope that Marty's new career wouldn't remove that from them. He wasn't sure what he would do if it did. Probably kill everyone who ever touched his man. Hmm, probably not the best plan to consider mass murder when staring into the eyes of a cop. But he was his cop, and he wasn't going to let anyone destroy who he was.
"Yeah well, I'll have my handler backing my up. I'll be fine G." Deeks sighed. They had had this sort of conversation more times than he could remember, but at least they had got past the shouting, or more truthfully the angry glares and dangerous glint in G's eyes that had been there when he had first mentions his plan. Yeah that look was one he never wanted to see again in the eyes of the man he loved. Though even now he could see a slight lurk of it at the back of G's mind. Something primal that reminded him of the man who had managed to take out two massive men without breaking a sweat, even though he was seriously injured, when they had first met. Something that made him wonder just how well he knew the man he loved.
"You'd better be." Callen muttered, trying, and failing to keep the growl out of his voice. He couldn't lose Marty. And no matter what else happened in his life, that was the only truth he held onto. It was the truth that always made him fight to come home. He just hoped he could give Marty the same strength as the younger man gave him.
The next morning Deeks woke to find G was already up and out of bed. Not that he was that surprised the guy hardly ever slept late. So humming to himself he made his way into the kitchen, where G was busy making coffee.
"Morning." He mumbled as he wrapped his arms around the one he loved more than anything else in the world.
"Are you sure it still is? I'm thinking it's more afternoon now." Callen replied cheekily as he turned to give Marty a quick kiss before pushing him away so he could finish the coffee.
"Be nice G." Marty whined. He could smell the caffeine, it was so close at hand, he needed it. Badly.
"Always. Oh, I have something for you." Callen responded casually as he handed a cup to Marty and with his other hand he pulled out a pack of 20 bobby pins from his back pocket, holding them out to the Marty with a big smile on his face.
"Seriously?" Deeks asked with a laugh, but he took them anyway. If it would make G feel better when he went undercover to know he had a bobby pin with him, then there was no way he could say no to the guy.
Therefore than morning when he was dressed for work and was clipping on his badge and gun, he pulled one of the pins from the packet and pushed in onto his belt, within easy reach.
"There happy?" He asked showing G exactly where it was and that he was carrying it as he wanted him to.
"Very. Be careful Marty." Callen replied pulling the younger man into his arms and kissing him fiercely. If this was all he could do for now, then it was at least a start.
"You know me. See you later G." Deeks said with a wink and a smirk as he walked away from the other man, leaving him in the kitchen as he headed off for work and the first assignment of his new career.
Deeks pulled himself out of the memory but he couldn't help but wonder if the story from the spy novel G had told him had actually been something he himself had done. If he was trying to share some of his undercover wisdom with him. And he briefly wondered if there had been any more conversations like that. Ones he couldn't remember because they didn't rate in his mind, due to the fact that the advice on how to do his job was coming from his securities trader boyfriend. But he couldn't think of any off the bat, and now was not the time to ponder it, nor to cringe at how dismissive he had been to someone who knew so much more than he did about the career he had chosen.
Instead he quickly took a look up and down the corridor, hoping no one had seen him just standing there staring at his hands. He noticed a blonde girl standing at the end near to the stairs. But when he turned his head to her with a smile, thinking about maybe speaking to her to see what she could tell him about the G Callen that had lived here, she quickly looked away and moved on. It was almost as if she was hurrying away from him. Almost as if she was scared of what he would do to her now he had seen her. But hey, this wasn't the nicest building, he doubted people were friendly here like the one he lived in. Therefore putting the blonde girl from his mind he turned to frown at the lock in front of him. He hoped he could do this. But only one way to find out. With that thought he stuck his tongue between his teeth and pulled the pin apart and inserted it into the lock. Time to find out what secrets were behind this door.