"I wrote this song for my mother
wrote this song for our father
so hopefully we can come together
and hopefully make things a little better."
-Sleeping With Sirens / Free Now
chapter 10: mother
"Jesus Nichols, you really need to do something about that hair." Vause commented during lunch, tugging on one of Nicky's curly brown locks. Her hair was longer and wilder than ever, as she refused to go see Danita and Sophia was still in the SHU. It hung down to her waist, and was still horribly choppy at the ends.
Chapman ran her fingers through the brown locks, her fingers getting caught in the tangles of Nicky's soft locks of hair. "Well at least it's not dry anymore, just messy." She commented, trying to disentangle her fingers from Nicky's hair.
Nicky smiled humorlessly and gently helped Chapman free herself. "Yeah, it was hard to keep good hair in max when they wouldn't even let you shower most of the time." She said. Morello watched her intently.
Nicky seemed much more like her usual self already, though she still seemed to carry a heavy aura of sadness around her. Sure, she laughed and joked and even slept around occasionally, but her eyes were cold and hollow, and sometimes even sad. Her eyes used to have a sort of explosive light in them; much like the aftermath of the explosion of a bomb, or the flames of an inferno.
The light was completely gone.
"Anyone coming to visit you today, Chapman?" Nicky asked, changing the topic smoothly. Chapman shook her head. "My mom doesn't want to come, and Cal and Neri are busy." She said.
"Vincent'll be here today right?" Vause asked, directing her question towards Morello, who nodded enthusiastically. "I better get ready to see him!" She said, departing the table and taking her empty tray with her.
"What about you, Nicky?" Chapman asked. Nicky shook her head. "Nope. No one for me." She replied.
It came as a shock to her when she was eating cheese puffs and watching TV with Boo, and she heard the words "Nichols to visitation" blast from the speaker several times. Boo raised her eyebrows.
"Who's coming to see you, son?" Boo asked, stealing one of Nicky's puffs. "I don't know." Nicky said in genuine surprise, absently handing the bag to Boo, who grinned broadly, and walking down to visitation, awkwardly combing her untamed curls with her fingers.
After the usual security procedures, Nicky walked into the room nervously, looking around at the other inmates chatting with their families, friends, or significant others.
"Nicole!" A voice she never thought she'd hear again called, and her blood froze. Nicky turned to the source of her voice.
A woman with short brown hair cut in a style meant to make her appear classy, dark eyes, and lips smeared with expensive red lipstick sat at a table. Her face was lined, though not too lined as to make her seem old. The scent of expensive perfume lingered around her. The woman looked elegant and smart, especially in the expensive black pantsuit she wore.
It was her mother.
Morello didn't know Nicky had a visitor. After her usual greeting kiss with Vincent (as usual, CO Bell had barked at them to break it up when they got too touchy-feely), a woman who bore a surprising resemblance to Nicky had sat at the table next to hers. She looked like an older, boring version of the wild, sarcastic girl Morello knew; like Nicky without her blinding, explosive light, or if Nicky had decided to get a haircut, perm her hair, and get a job as an accountant. Nicky walked into visitation, and froze upon hearing the woman call her.
Morello remembered the day she'd found out her name was legitimately Nicole Nichols, and she'd laughed and laughed and laughed, and at some point Nicky had laughed too, and the two of them had sat together on the stairs and giggled like crazy while the other inmates stared at them weirdly and Pornstache gave the two of them a shot each.
"Hello, Marka." Nicky said stiffly, taking the seat opposite her. This was her mother, Morello realised with surprise, then felt foolish soon after. Of course. It couldn't be her sister or anything, as Nicky was an only child.
Morello broke off her conversation with her husband to eavesdrop on the Nichols women. "Are you okay? Are you really back for good?" Marka sounded genuinely concerned about her daughter, and reached out to touch her face.
Nicky recoiled from her mother's touch. "I'm fine, Marka. I'm back here now, and they added a couple years to my sentence, and that's it." Nicky said coolly. She seemed to be avoiding her mother's gaze, and she almost looked like she was holding her breath. Which would make sense, as scent was the most powerful memory trigger, and Nicky was probably trying to block out years of her mother walking away from her, leaving only the scent of overpriced perfume behind.
"What happened to your hair?" Her mother asked, tentatively touching one of Nicky's curly locks of hair. Nicky flinched away from her again. Marka's expression changed into one of exasperation and disappointment. Morello hastily began babbling about a random topic with Vincent again, to spare Nicky the humiliation of havng someone listen in to a private conversation.
"Mr Caputo called me and told me everything. Why couldn't you kick the drugs, Nicky? You know, I thought you were better than this. I thought you actually had a brain in there." Marka snapped. Her voice wasn't loud, but it carried easily, and it cut into Morello's and Vincent's conversation. They cast uneasy glances towards the woman in the pantsuit berating her broken daughter.
"Yeah well, I'm a fuck-up, alright? Is that what you wanna hear, Marka? I fucked up. I was an idiot. I'm a disappointment, yeah?" Nicky's voice grew louder and louder, quivering slightly. Morello looked over, breaking off her conversation with Vincent. She wanted to scream at the woman, to tear at her hair, to make her feel all the pain she had inflicted upon Nicky for her entire life. For the first time in Morello's memory, the entire Visitation room was silent. Even the COs were eavesdropping shamelessly.
"Is there a problem here?" A voice with a heavy Russian accent pierced the silence, and a steady hand perched itself on Nicky's shoulder. Red stood behind Nicky, in all her red-haired glory, her eyes narrowed fiercely.
Red had left her sons at their table where they gaped, open-mouthed at their mother, while she walked over to her daughter, laying a gentle but protective hand on her shoulder, glaring fiercely at the woman who sat opposite her.
"It's none of your business. I'm her mother." Marka snapped, her eyes full of defiance and also fear. Red could be very scary a lot of the time, but more so when she was angry. Her hand tightened. "I think you're quite wrong." The Russian woman replied. "Nicky's my daughter. And we're going to be leaving now."
Nicky rose to her feet, looking her mother in the eye coldly. "What kind of nonsense is this?" Marka demanded. "Sorry, Marka. But you're not my mom." And without another word, Red and Nicky left the visitation room together.
"Hey Red." Morello said, sidling into the kitchen casually. "Lorna." Red said in greeting, stirring a pot of God-knows-what. "Hey uh, do you mind going to see Nicky now? She's been in her bunk, skipping work and just hugging her pillow. I think she needs you." Morello said.
"I can't help her now, Lorna. I have a lot to do to try to make the food here edible." Red sighed, stopping the circular motions of her arm for a moment.
"She needs you, Red." Morello pleaded. Red clutched the spoon for a moment. "Alright. You, take over for a while." Red handed the large spoon to Blanca, who sighed, got off the table she was sitting on, mumbled several curses under her breath in Spanish before taking the utensil, and the Russian woman strode out without another word.
"Thank you, Lorna." Red said sincerely, giving Morello's arm a grateful squeeze. Morello nodded, and pretended to wander off in a different direction.
Secretly, though, she was worried about Nicky, and felt guilty for not jumping to her defense even though she was sitting right there. Her conversation with Vincent had been rather stilted after that, with Morello fidgeting uncomfortably and bringing Nicky and Marka's fight up repeatedly, so the couple decided to call it a day. She decided to send Red instead of going herself, because Morello knew Nicky, and she knew that what Nicky needed right now was her mother.
Morello secretly trailed Red, just to make sure Nicky would be okay. Red found Nicky sitting in her bunk, hugging her pillow and rocking back and forth, her face pressed against the soft item. She wasn't crying, she wasn't angry, she just looked sad. Red didn't say anything, simply pulled her daughter into her arms.
"I'm your mother, Nicky. Not that bitch in her stupid fucking suits. You hear me?" Red said fiercely, cradling Nicky to her. Nicky didn't respond, just released her pillow and clutched her mother instead.