Chapter Ten (Resolutions...)
Saunders was torn. A part of him was human enough still to want what any man would want in the circumstances. It had been so long since he had felt anything normal. Anything other than the constant fear, the terror that war could cause. The loss of one of his men..the strain of 'command' out in the field.
Darcy Taylor reminded him there was other things in the world. The smell of a woman. The softness of her skin, the visual beauty of long, lush hair that felt like a cat's fur when he stroked it and fell like silk through his fingers.
In a predominantly male atmosphere, it was so easy to forget such things, day in, day out. The reality of war? He lived it. So, one learned not to think too much of anything else. Not of home..not of women..not of anything other than what could keep you alive and functioning.
But, Darcy Taylor was real. She was standing right here before him. Warm and inviting and..asking questions he shouldn't be wanting to answer.
"...No, it's not wrong." He looked around the shabby room, reminded of 'his' reality. "But..not in this..dump!" He disgusted the circumstances that barred him from her. "Not..hurried and.." He shook his head, anger building inside him. "Rushed as if..."
He wanted her to know his reasoning. "Don't you think I'd give anything to.." A nice guy wouldn't say it right out..so, he didn't. But his eyes allowed her to know. "Look around you, Taylor." He motioned jerkily, his inability to offer her better gnawing away at him. "You deserve..better!"
Taylor glanced around the room as directed, her head shaking woefully after a bit. "The rooms they housed us in..they were filthy and dark..depressing." The pretty mouth smiled sadly at his reasoning. "But, the old ones taught us..clean the rooms, let the light in..undrape the windows." Her eyes softened for one who could not possibly understand the situation presented. "..when we were assigned work details, we picked wild flowers to brighten our surroundings." She stepped, caressing his face lovingly. "It is not the rooms, Sarge. It is the humans inside that must matter."
Her hand dropped away from his face and she stepped back. "You are an Alpha male and as such, very likely.." She sighed lightly. "Do not appreciate a female throwing herself at you." She made light of her own short-comings, teasing him a little with an apologetic smile. "You prefer the 'chase'..all well and good but it is your own fault."
Her hand trailed along the back of the dusty chair, tracing the dark blue 'cord' lining the entire section. "You are a very attractive male, which I'm sure you have been told on numerous occasions. And I.." She lifted perfectly arched brows. "Am not as experienced and..worldly as I should like to be, perhaps..."
Saunders stepped, his fingers clenching the soft flesh of her arms, tugging her roughly forward for her words and manner had heightened his already straining senses.. "Shut up!" He commanded hoarsely, his mouth descending, the kiss full of pent up frustration and..guilt.
Taylor molded her body to the man's direction, totally pliable and supportive of any and all demands he thought to make.
His scent surrounded her..she closed her eyes, savoring..her arms holding tightly to the sudden center of her universe.
He was hard and solid, his strength transmitted through the tenseness of his arms and rigid body.
Taylor could not describe the feelings he could evoke..just to have him near. The very sound of his breathing thrilled her no end for it was heavy and..effected and..undeniably..male.
His mouth was confident..bold..assertive. The feel of his tongue demanding a response from her's..the intimacy implied and realized. Soft moans of excitement escaped her throat. Her pulse raced unchecked through her veins, her heart hammered against her breasts.
She held back nothing emotionally, giving everything she had to give, wanting to share all that she was with this man, unashamed that he might guess the extent of her feelings for him.
Her gaze was soft and open when finally he allowed her release. She saw, for the first time ever, indecision and troubling doubt in those phenomenal blue eyes.
Tension still coursed through his body.
Taylor was not so naive she did not know his dilemma in this instance. He was an honorable man..a deeply conscientious one...she was forcing him to make a decision he did not want to have to make..but..there was a part of him she could reach if she put her own conscience aside.
She sensed as much, the woman in her telling her she must..experience this man. She could not have placed a label on her feelings..or filed them under any specific name. She only knew what was...
The woman slowly removed her jacket, laying it aside, upon the back of the chair beside them. She sat on the arm, unlacing her boots.
Saunders instinctively knew what was going through her head. He also noted..her fingers shook and she was having a hell of a time with the laces.
"Stop." The word held no real direction, he knew.
She lifted up, her body very close to his, her expression reserved..quiet. She searched his countenance religiously looking for something he refused to allow her find. "...I want you to.." She licked her luscious lips nervously, a flush creeping into those alabaster cheeks. But she steadfastly held his eyes. "Make love with me." She swallowed hard. "They say that in the flicks, don't they...but, it's all I can think of ..right now. So..if you wouldn't mind too awfully.."
Saunders simply looked at her, the inscrutable face giving nothing away of what..if anything..he was feeling.. He knew he should put a stop to this insanity.
Taylor gathered her conviction, shifting her gaze from the totally unnerving one. "...I..can be no worse than any other woman you've..experienced." She strived for a lightness she certainly was not feeling. She undid the buttons of her shirt quickly, before she lost her nerve. "It means very little to you, probably but.." She glanced up at the darkly brooding features. "But..so very much to me..so..."
She finished with the shirt but lacked the courage to take it off as yet, her hands working the tab of her belt absently. "...it seems to me." And it did.. "You could do this one little thing I ask of you." She frowned hard at him. "Before we..." She unzipped the heavy uniform pants, stepping from them. "..must..part." She folded them neatly across the arm of the chair, then placed her hands before her, primly folded to hide the trembling fingers.
She drew in a very shaky breath, resolutely..stalwartly..seeking him out. She cleared her throat gently..waiting patiently.
'Chip' Saunders' nervous system was on 'full alert' status. He tried to keep from looking down to the little bundle of determination, the opened shirt front revealing the white cotton of her bra..the shapely bare legs..the tiny feet with the soft white cotton socks she had forgotten to remove.
Without the boots, she was a good head and a half shorter than he..just the right height to bundle up and..
The green eyes held his defiantly, the small chin lifting stubbornly, daring him to say something derogatory.
He was already hard, just from the impromptu little strip tease she had performed..but he was a better man than that, surely. "I'll wait in the hall." He advised her curtly, forcing his demeanor to be sharp and dismissive. "Get dressed."
He stepped around her, his shoulder hitting her's in a subtle form of 'dismissal'. He tried like hell to get the impression of disgust over but, he was feeling anything but..truth known.
She hurried past him, reaching the door first, her body pressed against the surface. "Well..." Her voice shook, and her eyes were large and...stricken but.. "You..y-you better give me a little extra time.." She was firmly decided on her path, evidently. "...my...my emotions are..somewhat..aroused." She continued, clearly searching desperately for some words to sway his resolute path.
Saunders drew his eyes from the opened front of her shirt but moreso, the heavy sloping fullness of her breasts held so lovingly by the white bra.. He wondered how they would feel in his palm.
"I..will need a few minutes to..relief myself of the.." She glanced to the bed, her cheeks certainly getting a workout this night. "And..and please don't hurry me. Such a thing.." She pushed slowly from the door facing, stepping toward the structure over by the far wall. "..Should not be..rushed."
Saunders' hand snaked out before he could stop it's trek, latching unto her arm as she passed. His expression an incredulous one. He stared at the beautiful face, his heart feeling as if it were going to explode in his chest. His pants suddenly tight and restrictive..
Taylor felt her conviction slip, shifting her eyes from the steely coolness of the man's. She had played her cards and it appeared..he was going to call her bluff.
She had nothing left..it looked as if she would have to fold..forfeit the stupid game. She was shaky and drained. Simply wishing for him to go ahead and end it..to crush her heart and completely ..irrevocably, destroy all her hopes and desires.
She felt a complete, utter..fool. Her pride was ..
"Maybe.." The deep masculine tone washed over her like a soothing balm, his touch burned through her skin even through the material of her shirt sleeve where his fingers clenched her arm. "I want to.." His eyes had deepened with a raw, primitive..challenge. "...watch."
The prospect presented stunned the woman but it also..made her wetter than she had been. She felt like squirming about, if only to ease the sudden aching flare between her legs. She could not let him know her weakness ran so deeply, however. "..that would make you a pervert, then.." Her voice was a mere whisper of it's former vitality, so intimidated did she feel by his nearness..his..statement. "Wouldn't it."
She tugged free because she could not stand another moment of his touch without doing something totally..unladylike. She climbed into the giving structure of the mattress, lying on her back, situating herself more comfortably. She still could not look at him.
"I wonder which of us will be judged more severely, in which case." She desperately strived for sophistication..none of which she possessed, she realized with a sinking feeling. "Would you mind..turning out the lamp? One must set the mood for these things...mustn't one."
She held her breath. All she knew for certain is..he hadn't left. He still remained with her. Hans had forced her to do this..this time? She was here because she wanted it.. She could not think of anywhere else she would rather be.
She would have done anything to keep this man here..even if it meant losing every ounce of dignity she possessed. To go away from him..without any memories to take to fill the desolate emptiness which would devastate her heart? No...no, she would not allow that. So she waited..tense, her nerves stretched tight and rigid.
The seconds ticked by..the silence was suddenly deafening.
Saunders still stood by the door, his stance unchanged. He was looking at the lamp, his face shadowed and profiled in the dancing flicker of the flames from the hearth.
Damn the man's ability to hide his emotions. She could read nothing...nothing in the handsome face.
"Please?" She snapped, indicating the lamp. No damned way she would continue with this heinous farce with the light so prevalent. Such sinful things must be accomplished in the dark, surely!
Saunders spared her a glance, then those eyes trained fully on her.
He wanted so desperately to ..walk over there. To take what that little bitch was so endearingly offering. God, how he needed to feel her squirming and ..needy under him. He wanted to wipe that smug little smirk from that...amazing mouth..the one that challenged him..oh, not that she knew she pushed his buttons.
She had no fucking clue..and that thought alone kept him rooted and indecisive.
Naive, stupid little..
He shifted his gaze. He couldn't look at that incredible figure any longer and not.. She was soft curves and delicious bulges..those perky little nipples were cold..shoving through the material of her bra, demanding attention..the dark imprint of shadow showed through the flimsy white of her panties..he wondered if she were a true red-head.
He licked his lips absently, trying to set his mind straight. He suddenly felt drained, rubbing his eyes trying to squeeze the build up on tension behind his lids.
She lay there, shaking like a leaf..pretending to be..what? He mused. All stretched out and posed like she imagined a femme fatale would be, he supposed.
The dark imprint of pubic hair kept demanding his attention. He could not stop looking at the valley between her propped up legs.
He crossed, killing the light. He moved slowly, coming at length, to stand beside the bed. He looked down at her, managing to keep his gaze a neutral one. How in hell he did it, he didn't know.
She licked suddenly dry lips, her eyes large and..embarrassed...finally. "W-What are y-you..doing?" She asked breathlessly and he knew, his nearness was unnerving her completely. He had never felt more a man.
"..Next best thing to..being there." He motioned, flicking her body restlessly. "..go ahead."
She obviously couldn't believe what she was hearing, her expression almost comical..he had never felt less like laughing.
"Y-You're not really going to..." She was mortified. "W-Watch..me?"
The man almost caved..those big 'doe' eyes so appealingly beseeching him, the pleading look in the green depths. Yeah...he almost gave in... ... almost.
"Yeah, Taylor." He hardened his heart and his conviction. "I am."
She was numb. "..Oh."
A flicker of amusement crossed the man's face but..she didn't see it, so devastated by his previous proclamation. Saunders straightened his stocky frame and his attitude. He waited patiently, not a difficult thing to do, as he took his time now..measuring her body with his eyes.
He traveled the well-built little form with masculine appreciation. "Nice tits, by the way."
He half-teased, "Are you cold?"
She glanced down, then covered herself in maidenly modesty which amused him all the more. "J-Just never you mind about...that." She snapped. "I..I don't want you here. This is..private. Please leave. I'll...I'll call you when I'm...done."
"Seems to me..least you could do.." He shrugged. "For a soldier..fighting for his country and all..is to give me something to remember you by."
"You're...making fun of me!" She started to rise but he put a restraining hand on her shoulder, shoving her back rather roughly for..it wasn't fun any longer.
"No..YOU...are getting your kicks by sucker punching ME!" He growled his growing anger. "You think this is amusing? Teasing the hell out of me with your body?"
She blushed, gasping. "I'm...I'm not ..doing that!" Was she? She sat hastily. "I...I didn't mean..." She hadn't thought of that aspect. "I only wanted to..." She closed her shirt tightly, hugging it to her body. The silence came and it was a horrible moment for Taylor. She felt..miserable suddenly.
"I'm...so sorry, Sarge." She lifted honest, beguiling eyes. "I...I thought..maybe if we could.." How to make him understand. "I only wanted to..be close to you for a while. " What if he had lost all respect for her? She was...devastated. "..I am ..." She had no words for what she 'was'.. Ashamed, certainly. Embarrassed..guilty..mortified...humiliat..
"You think I don't want that?" He grated. "I'm trying to do what's right here, Taylor!"
She nodded, shoving against his abdomen as she swung her legs off the side of the bed. "I...I know." She frowned when he refused to budge. "Move!"
The man's hand cupped her face, lifting it, his free one filtering into her hair. He pulled the rubber band from the end of the braid, his fingers fluffy into the rich lush strands, separating them. He watched his actions, his brow deeply furrowed.
"You think I'm not...affected?" He asked moodily, gruffly. "You think I don't..want it?"
She swallowed her emotional state, lifting tear-filled eyes. She looked away hastily, for she knew he was reading too much of what he was forcing her to feel. "...please just...let me...leave."
He had been right all along, but then..when had he not been. She hated that he was always..right..and noble and...in control!
She pushed her way past his thighs, stumbling to her slacks..which she attempted to hastily pull on. But she was all thumbs and..nothing was cooperating, the fabric turning about every which way, the holes of the legs folding in on themselves at every attempt to..
"Don't baby." The man was touched by her sudden ineptitude, her obvious embarrassment, wanting to alleviate the awkwardness for her. "It's ok.." He took the uniform from her hands tugging it free when she held fast.
"Stop!" Taylor was desperate to get out of the situation and away from the horrible circumstances which had caused her such distress and humiliation.
"It's fine, Taylor." Saunders stated quietly.
"It's not fine!" She yelled at him. "For God's sake...it is anything but... 'fine' man!"
He could see her point of view. He allowed her to jerk her clothes from his hand, watching as she tried once again to..dress.
She finally got the legs to work, hastily grasping at her boots, pulling them on with difficulty.
"You're not going like this." He knew that much, for certain. "You're not leaving feeling so..shitty."
"I'm fine." She looked about for her jacket, grasping it, making for the door.
He barred the way. "Did you hear me?" He warned.
She pulled up, striving for..some sort of decorum. "...I'm...fine." She managed more civilly. "It's...fine, everything is...fine." Her tone was..calm and collected. "I'm just a little...tired and there's not much time to..sleep before..." She managed a insincere smile. "This was a mistake. I agree. Now..it might behoove us to try to manage a little.." She could find no word that fit at the moment. "I...apologize for.." She smiled again. "For anything I've done that might have pissed you off or made you feel..uncomfortable. Chalk it up to..my inability to..function like a normal, sane, human being.." She stopped, unable to go on.
She looked down, then buttoned her shirt slowly. The silence was more than uncomfortable for the woman. "I...need to go now." She admitted dejectedly.
"Yeah? Well, I need to fuck you raw but ..that's not going to happen either."
She lifted shocked eyes.
"What..does that disturb your sensibilities?" Saunders didn't give a shit at this point. "What the fuck do you think you've been doing to mine this past few minutes..you had me on the verge of creaming there with your little seduction attempt, don't expect any sympathy from me."
Taylor's mouth feel agape.
"Now you go off with your tail between your legs feeling all sorry for yourself and I'm left standing here with a raging hard-on the size of New York State.." he motioned to his condition angrily. "You think you get points with me for that little stunt?"
She stared at him.. "...I...I didn't...say...not to."
"What?" He demanded curtly, stepping once.
She retreated, drawing in a shaky breath, her eyes widening with fear but she..stood her ground. "You...you're the one saying...you won't."
She waited, on pins and needles. "...what...what does it mean... 'creaming'...is that...good? She needed clarification. "Or..bad?"
Saunders dropped his head forward, expelling a muttered curse..a rather vulgar one.
"Well...I mean, I think I know what it...signifies but.." She defended herself. "I'm not the experienced one here..don't be so...superior! I've done this before but it was nothing like..this! It was all...different!"
He studied her with a dark scowl.
"I..I want to be..close to you. You said...no." She was getting a little pissed herself. "I tried to..let you see that it was ok but..you still...don't want to so..why are you so mad at ME?"
She gave him a 'mean' frown.
Saunders ran his hand through his hair, shaking his head.
"This is YOUR fault...not mine!" She iterated decisively. "A real man wouldn't think so much about what others thought...he would just simply..."
The blue eyes lifted slowly...most...effectively. That look was rather..off-putting...she proceeded much more cautiously.
"Do what he thought was right in his own...mind." She finished ..hesitantly. "Wouldn't...he?"
The man thought it over..her words. He had no idea, in reality..what a 'real' man would do in such a situation. He knew that it was wrong to consider ..compromising a woman in any circumstance.
Wait for marriage.
"I don't have...protection." Another obstacle. A rather large one.
She had gotten that one, thankfully. "Oh."
"Yeah..." He empathized sourly. "oh."
"Well..." She had been ..uncertain. "I do."
"What?" He snapped angrily.
"Kirby..gave me some..a few..." She explained. "He doesn't KNOW..he did, though."
Saunders..relaxed. "You have this planned, Taylor?"
She was suddenly ill-at-ease. "Sorta." it was confessed. "But..not really..planned, you know?" She was quick to emphasize that part. "Not...really."
"Just 'sorta'..wishful thinking on your part?"
"Well...yeah." She admitted reluctantly. "...I guess."
He..grinned. Shaking his head again. "There's something wrong with you..you know that?"
She lifted insulted eyes until she..saw his mood had changed for the better. "I was fine..until I met you." She sulked. "Can I go now or do you have some more insults to hurl at me?"