An Unfortunate Outcome
Chapter Ten
'In Cornelia's case'
Cornelia, a lowly little third class priest whose one outstanding talent was the ability to trip over her own feet, was not having a good day.
And that was perfectly normal.
Cornelia had so few 'good' days you could've counted them off on one hand. With one finger, even. It would've been far more surprising, therefore, if Cornelia's day hadn't been a complete disaster- but it had been (or, at least, it was being), and that was fairly standard and normal; nothing out of the ordinary there.
As per usual Cornelia had woken up late- even though she swore she'd set her alarm clock at least two hours early, she swore.
However, when she went to check her clock (er… if you counted shaking it, then throwing it against the wall for being so useless, thus putting a dent in said wall and prompting a shower of plaster to rain down on the newly-cleaned carpet as 'checking it') it had been completely devoid of batteries.
Which was just great, considering Cornelia knew she had put some batteries in the stupid thing before she went to bed- only they'd disappeared; vanished off into the ether, it seemed.
Along with her shoes.
And her hat.
And her hopes of having a half-way decent working day.
How so many things had gone so very wrong in such a short space of time was anybody's guess, really.
Maybe she had a perpetually unlucky horoscope.
Cornelia's day hadn't improved when she finally arrived to work, late and messy-haired and red-faced with one sock pulled up higher than the other and her hair ribbons coming undone.
At first, Cornelia assumed- naïvely, as she soon discovered- that her day would be about the same as usual. Awful, yes; but not so completely terrible it broke her spirit and almost drove her tears (because she was a proud member of Eiserne Jungfrau, and she swore by their name with valiant honor that she would never cry. Cornelia was serious about her job).
It hadn't been the first time in her life Cornelia's clock had been mysteriously emptied of batteries, anyway.
And Cornelia doubted it'd be the last.
And she could deal with that.
Cornelia knew, if she set her mind to it, she could deal with anything- witches or demons or strange self-battery-eeating clocks; none of them stood a chance against her! All would be pierced through by her red truth!
Cheered by this thought, Cornelia had gone about her daily business; writing reports, filing paperwork, checking for split-ends in her hair, writing more reports, getting distracted by the fish-tank in the corner of the main office Dlanor had brought in to improve their 'morale' (but the fish in the tank actually looked more depressingly bored than the various members of Eiserne Jungfrau sat in the office filing paperwork; it hardly made Cornelia feel any better. Sometimes, she wondered whether those fish were actually alive at all), and filing more paperwork.
That had been perfectly normal, too.
Dull (not that Cornelia allowed herself to think of her 'Incredibly Important Work' as 'dull'- that would be heresy!), but normal.
And then Cornelia had gone to get herself a cup of tea from the vending machine, and the first time the machine dispensed her tea but not the cup, and the second time it gave her coffee instead even though she clearly pressed the 'tea' button, and- finally- on the third attempt it gave her what she asked for, but the tea had been so hot she burnt her tongue and had to spit it back out before she scalded her herself…
Right in front of Gertrude, a first class priest who was supervising their division whilst Dlanor A. Knox was away on a 'business trip' (she was most likely fighting witches or demons in some super-secret mission, Cornelia fantasised).
And spitting her tea out in front of Gertrude had been embarrassing, but not drastically different from what generally happened during Cornelia's day.
However, when Cornelia went back to her own little office cubicle (it was separate from the main office with its dead fish), things started to go wrong.
Even more 'wrong' than usual.
Because, slowly but surely, one by one, all the neatly filed and ordered and ready-to-give-to-Gertrude reports stacked up on her desk began to disappear.
That... shouldn't have been happening...
Cornelia knew she was clumsy, but she wasn't clumsy enough to lose things she'd never even touched.
At least, she hoped she wasn't.
And that left her with only one conclusion...
Somebody else was taking her things.
Somebody was playing a prank on her.
'Pranks', of course, were far too childish and juvenile for any esteemed member of Eiserne Jungfrau to carry out! Just by wearing that uniform (ridiculous and a tad too revealing as it was), it made you confident, mature, strong; nobody would dare disgrace the name of heaven's offices by acting like a child!
The mere thought of it was enough to make Cornelia's blood boil!
The person playing tricks on her must have been a demon.
It must have been.
It was a logical deduction.
Maybe Cornelia was being a bit idealistic there, and she really was quite young and didn't know that much about how the courts of heaven worked- but she was right. Her co-workers didn't all have the same scrupulous morals as she did, but they were all too scared/intimidated by Gertrude and Dlanor to do anything obviously cruel to anybody else; and why would they have stolen other people's paperwork when it only made more tedious jobs for themselves?
Cornelia had heard stories of a strangely dressed demon woman who plagued the offices of heaven from time to time- stealing things, disordering files and generally making a nuisance of herself.
According to a second class mage with a blonde side ponytail Cornelia had overheard by the water fountain once 'her clothes are even more of a mystery than her existence! Kyahaha! Geez- her fashion sense is just DREADFUL. And I thought our uniform was bad- but imagine dressing like a freak because you actually WANT to?'
Cornelia had not felt very emphatic with that second-class priest. Being disrespectful towards their uniforms (strange though they were) was almost blasphemy in Cornelia's eyes- but that blonde girl had possessed a very scary smirk, and Cornelia hadn't known if she could reprimand those of a higher position than her.
She'd wanted to, though.
But no matter.
Cornelia was sure- absolutely sure- that the person stealing her paperwork was that strangely-dressed demon the side-ponytail girl had spoken about.
In fact, if Cornelia strained her ears...
She was sure she could hear a muffled laugh.
A woman's laugh.
Cornelia's eyes narrowed.
Her hand reached out for the rather dangerous, rather pointy letter opener that was lying on her desk.
Oh how Cornelia hated that letter opener; or anything that was sharp, really. Even typical things like staplers always caused her trouble. In essence: if something could potentially cause her harm, it would.
That was just what Cornelia's life was like; a serious of painful, embarrassing, unfortunate mistakes one after another after another.
But Cornelia was strong, and she could deal with that.
She kept her head high.
But that letter opener- the same blade that had cut her fingers so many times before as she carelessly handled it- was valuable weapon now.
Dlanor A. Knox might have used Knox's Decalogue and her unavoidable red spears to combat demons, but Cornelia- a third class priest- was going to use a letter opener!
And she was going to win, too.
She had to.
Eiserne Jungfrau did not balk nor back down from demonic threats!
Cornelia looked about her office cubicle slowly, her eyes roving past the desk, the filing cabinets, the scenic landscape picture on the wall that was supposed to 'brighten her morale', much like the tank of dead/dying fish...
But she couldn't see anybody.
By this point, Cornelia was beginning to pray nobody walked in. Gertrude had already seen her spit tea all over herself; Cornelia didn't want Gertrude to see her standing in her office, holding a knife and glaring at that scenic landscape portrait as though it had insulted her and she was going to stab it next.
...That probably wouldn't give Gertrude a very good impression of her.
What if Gertrude thought she'd snapped under the pressure and had gone completely insane?
But Cornelia wasn't insane, she was sure of it (she couldn't deny her inherent clumsiness quite so easily, uneasily).
She had... definitely heard something.
She knew she wasn't alone.
Just because she couldn't see the demon, it didn't mean it wasn't there.
Demons were tricky- but Cornelia would not allow herself to weaken.
She would not-
There!
Right there!
Cornelia heard a strange, off-key giggle somewhere to her right. It sounded sharp- too high-pitched, and it wavered slightly, tapering off at the end into a few smaller splutters.
She turned about, yellow hair ribbons catching in the breeze- and her eyes widened.
There was a slight distortion in the air.
The demon?
Cornelia's fingers released the letter opener before her brain had a chance to calculate the trajectory properly; and hadn't she forgotten she was a complete butterfingers and had always been picked last in netball back in school, and what if there wasn't actually a demon and she got a knife wedged in the wall?
What then?
All of those scenarios sounded likely.
And, on any normal day, that was probably what would've happened.
But Cornelia needed have worried.
Because, for the first time in her life-
"O-ow! H-hey, what gives?"
She'd hit her target with perfect precision.
Cornelia was so elated she could've done a celebratory dance.
Or faint.
Maybe both.
At the same time.
But, instead, she did neither.
Cornelia was a member of Eiserne Jungfrau and she had to remain professional.
But, even so, she couldn't resist playing the Final Fantasy victory theme in her head.
Just a couple of times.
She didn't get the chance to celebrate very often. She had to savor the moment.
"Y-you know, that was a really sucky greeting. I mean, reee~ally" said Gaap, the 33rd highest ranking demon in the underworld. "If I had to grade it, I'd give it a three out of ten- and that's on~nly 'cause I like your clothes. And you're kinda adorable. But a knife to the hand, staking me to the wall? Not cool!"
"L-let it be known that I cannot accept the advances of demons!"
"Awww~ And you look even cuter when you're blushing!~ Fufufufu~"
"L-let it be known that I-I'm... I'm not..."
"Why don't we start with a more formal introduction? That's far more polite than throwing knives, right?~" said the curly-haired demon, grinning. "I'm Gaap. I'm sort of amazing. How about you?"
"Let it be known that I don't have to reply to the demands of demons!" said Cornelia, backing away slightly (why was she backing away? 'Gaap' was the one pinned to the wall, not her…)
The final strains of the Final Fantasy victory theme had long since died from Cornelia's head.
She wasn't feeling quite so confident anymore.
"Aww~" Gaap frowned, faking hurt. "I-I feel so wounded! Here I was being all nice to you, and you push my advances aside! That cuts me deep! Ohmygod! It hurts even more to get rejected by somebody so cuuu~te!~"
Cornelia felt her face passing through twelve different shades of the color red (that was more red than you could see on a color chart at a paint store!)
Her face felt as though it was on fire.
…And Cornelia was sure that couldn't be healthy.
"L-let it be... I-it's not even... A-ahhh..."
Cornelia ducked her head, hiding behind her bangs. Even so, she could feel the heat radiating off her face.
To use a childish term, it just wasn't fair! Cornelia had caught the demon (that blonde-haired second-class priest with the side ponytail had been right; Gaap truly did have a bizarre fashion sense. In fact, 'bizarre' didn't even begin to cover it. 'Indecent', more like). The demon should have been cowering in fear before her; she was a member of Eiserne Jungfrau!
But Gaap didn't look bemused at all.
Instead, she was smirking.
Cornelia didn't like that smirk.
"L-look, you really shouldn't be so smug!" said Cornelia, glaring sourly at the stupid demon in the stupid outfit that refused to be afraid of her. "I've caught you."
"You did~ You did a very good job, too! I didn't think you'd be able to. I thought you were completely incompetent, you know. Fufufufu~"
Cornelia felt like she was being teased.
It was a rather unpleasant experience.
And it wasn't completely new to her, either.
Cornelia tried to push her rather unpleasant memories of being a clumsy child with a bad haircut who kept hiccupping all the time from her mind; now wasn't the time for reminiscing about the time that group of mean boys pushed her off the swing set! She wasn't the same weak, helpless child, and her haircut was a lot nicer now! That demon even said she was 'cute', for what it was worth.
Not that demons ever told the truth.
What did that demon have to smile about so widely when she was pinned against the wall with a letter opener through her hand? Gaap was even bleeding (Cornelia twitched slightly. She didn't much like the sight of blood).
Didn't that hurt?
Why didn't she look… just the least bit bothered?
Cornelia's eyes had filled with tears when she accidentally stapled her thumb the other day. She was sure- 100% positive- that she would've fainted if somebody had stabbed her with a letter opener, whether fainting was the professional response or not.
"L-let it be known that I'm not incompetent," said Cornelia, trying (and, for the most part, succeeding) to keep herself from suttering.
"Oh re~eally?~" Gaap cooed, her voice sickly sweet and saccharine. She was drawing her syllable count past double digits, and some of her words were slightly slurred- and though it was difficult for Cornelia to tell, she seemed to be... slightly drunk?
"Really," Cornelia replied, nodding.
"Ah... Ahahahaha... I-I know you court of heaven official people like to think you're so~oo amazing, but I've been watching you for a while Corneliaaa- you have such an adorable name! Kyahaha!- and it's kind of funny! I barely had to steal any of your things to get you flustered- you make enough mistakes by yourself! You don't even need a demon to help you out! Gyahahaha!"
"L-let it be known that I caught you! S-so I haven't made too many mistakes here!" Cornelia retorted, trying to combat her blush with a good dose of self-righteous anger.
It was just a little irritating, though, that Cornelia couldn't counter any of those comments about her frequent 'mistakes' and carelessness.
It was true.
And Cornelia couldn't disagree with the truth...
B-but she was trying to get better...
She really was trying to improve at her job…
Gaap's insane grin faltered, just slightly.
"Aha... Yeahhh~" she said, turning to look at the letter opener that cut straight through the palm of her hand. "I got a little careless~ Ohohoho~ Maybe you're not that useless after all."
"I'm not..."
"And I can't even make any portals with my poor hand out of commission like this," Gaap continued. "Oh dear!~ I can't escape! I presume there's some kind of curse on this knife? It feels kinda sorta super-effective against demons~"
Was it?
Cornelia didn't know- she'd always assumed it was a simple letter opener.
W-what if it was actually some kind of sacred demon-hunting weapon, and she'd never even realised?
Urgh...
What a stupid mistake to make...
"Haha, yeah~" Miss. Princess Curls who didn't sound like a princess at all continued to talk (taunt, more like) in her strange, lilting voice. "Definitely cursed~ I-it kind of hurts, you know?"
"That is the general idea."
"Kyahh! Oh woe! I can't escape!" cried Gaap melodramatically, throwing her head back. "What can I do? Oh no! Gyahahahahaa!"
Cornelia clenched her fists at her sides.
"L-let it be known that you are in no position to laugh," said Cornelia, taking a step forwards towards the pinned demon. "None at all. I am the one in the position of power here-"
"Ooh~ You want me to be the submissive one then? I didn't know you had it in you! I didn't know you were into that sort of thing, Corneliaaa! Gyahahaha!"
Cornelia's face went redder and redder, until she was sure she looked like an over-ripe tomato.
Were these the sorts of unruly people Dlanor had to deal with on a daily basis?
...Somehow, Cornelia got the feeling this demon wouldn't be nearly so rude or disrespectful if she'd been captured by Dlanor A. Knox instead of her.
And that thought was just a little insulting.
Sure, she may have been small and slight and not all that threatening- but neither was Dlanor! Why did everybody listen to her?
Why did nobody listen to Cornelia?
She did try…
"Let it be known that you should take this seriously!" said Cornelia, her emotionless tone breaking down into something more desperate. "I-I... You're going to give me back what you stole a-and a-ah… ah…"
But Cornelia's voice soon broke away.
Because Gaap had kissed her.
That demon had...
Was...
Kissing her...
Cornelia's eyes widened in surprise.
And, when Gaap pulled away- she screamed.
It was a wonder she didn't faint.
"Oh wow~" said Gaap wonderingly, watching as Cornelia (Gaap only knew her name because she'd heard countless members of Eiserne Jungfrau going 'Cornelia!' in this very exasperated way every time the hapless girl lost/dropped something, which seemed to be a fairly common occurrence) pulled away from her.
Gaap knew she was a good kisser...
But she didn't know she was that good.
Ha!
Maybe she could boast about it to Ronove.
…Oh, but Riche was probably going to pissed off at her, wasn't she?
Well.
She'd just have to make a mental note of it and tell Ronove about her ~Amazing Sexual Exploits With Cute Girls Who Are Not Hot Guys But There Aren't Many Of Those Around Anyway So You've Gotta Try And Seduce Who You Can Amrite? Adventures!~ later, then.
Because Gaap suspected Riche would rip her head off her shoulders if she returned to the meta world now.
"Cornelia. What is the meaning of this?"
"S-she... I-I... A-allow me to speak!" Cornelia stammered through her words, tripping over her tongue, her face still flushed that delightful red (red really suited her, mused Gaap. Then again, red was a wonderful color! It suited everyone- apart from maybe people like Battler, who had that bright red hair… Hmn…)
"I am allowing it," Gertrude responded. Even though her voice was dull, mechanical, she sounded... just a tad tired.
Gaap didn't blame her.
Apparently Dlanor A. Knox (she was a creepy kid) had disappeared somewhere on short notice, leaving poor, overworked Gertrude in charge of Eiserne Jungfrau, in an office with a tank full of dead fish and that bitchy blonde-haired second class priest who kept complaining about everything.
And then Cornelia had started to scream like a banshee.
But it got worse.
When Gertrude went to see what could possibly be the matter with the third class priest she'd found Gaap, the 33rd ranked demon in hell, pinned to the wall with some cursed knife Cornelia had unwittingly been using as a letter opener.
That was probably not something Gertrude saw every day.
No wonder she looked so tired.
"S-she... S-she..." Cornelia continued to stammer.
Gaap was enjoying Cornelia's confusion immensely- but the continued use of the 'she' pronoun was beginning to annoy her.
"Hey!~" Gaap called, pouting slightly. "'She' has a name, y'know, you little pipsqueak! And it's a FABULOUS name, too, right? Why don't'cha use it? And I kinda like you, so you can call me Gaap~ You don't even need to call me Miss Gaap~"
But Cornelia wasn't listening.
She was beyond listening.
"S-she..."
Gaap sighed.
Some people were so stupid.
"Fine. I don't care. Do whatever you want! But I don't see why I should address YOU by YOUR name when you won't offer me the same courtesy!"
"S-she ki-ki-ki..."
"Maybe I should think of a new name for you~"
"S-she ki-ki-ki-kissed..."
"How about Pumpkin-Head? Pumpkin-Head's a nice name~"
"S-s-she kissed me!" Cornelia yelped, her face beet red-
Before she gave a startled gasp, a squeak, and clapped her hands over her mouth.
Gertrude looked between Cornelia and Gaap very, very slowly.
Then, she sighed.
"Let it be known that I am very disappointed in you, Miss Gaap."
"H-huh?" Cornelia's eyes widened, until they were in danger of falling out of her skull (that would've been sort of hilarious, mused Gaap- but then Cornelia wouldn't have looked so adorable with no eyes... Oh, what a dilemma!) "You know each other?"
"Oh yeah~" Gaap smirked. "Me'n Gertrude are, like, best friends!~"
"...Ignoring that obvious lie," said Gertrude smoothly, "Yes, Gaap and I do know one another. She's been plaguing our offices for quite some time- even though you said, when Miss Dlanor and I caught you trying to 'liberate' the goldfish from their tank a few months ago, that you wouldn't interfere with us or our staff anymore."
Even though Cornelia wasn't the one being admonished, she still felt a shiver run down her spine.
Gertrude... was really scary...
Her voice was practically made of ice.
Gaap, however, didn't seem to be too perturbed- even though she gave a small cry of 'ooh~ How creeeepy~'
Cornelia got the feeling Gaap had seen Gertrude's 'angry face' many times before.
In fact, Cornelia got the feeling Gaap pissed off almost everybody she came into contact with, in some way or another.
It was a wonder the curly-haired demon was still in one stupidly-attired piece.
"Ahhh~ I do remember saying something like that, now you've jogged my memory~" Gaap replied, smirking. "But I must've been mad when I did!~ Why would I agree to stop doing something I find so much fun?"
"Because if you don't leave us alone we'll hurt you."
"A-ah yes..."
Gaap laughed sheepishly, rubbing the back of her head with her free hand (it was amazing how those curls managed to stay in place, despite the disturbance. Were they indestructible? How much hair gel did she have to use? What about sleeping- how did you sleep with hair like that...? Did she have special pillows?
And thus, Cornelia's mind wandered.
That was probably why she was such a klutz).
"Y-yeah, I kinda don't wanna be hurt," Gaap said. "Maybe you can just, I dunno, let me go, and we'll call it a draw?"
"No." Gertrude's voice was frozen.
"Awwwww~ But you wouldn't wanna bother Dlanor about this right? Ri~ight?" asked Gaap, her voice childish- wheedling.
"Let it be known that we are not going to see Miss Dlanor."
"Then who...?"
"We're going to see Miss Virgilia."
At that moment, something truly amazing happened.
The effect those words had on Gaap were instantaneous.
All the color drained from her face.
And she went white.
"Well… shit."
"Indeed."
Dlanor and Virgilia had been enjoying a rather pleasant, extended teatime, sat under the rose-strewn arbour discussing this and that as the world turned slowly around them.
It had been soothing.
Tranquil.
Peaceful.
'Had' being the keyword.
"Ohmygosh ohmygosh like ohemgee Lia don't hate me Liaaaa!"
There was a loud crash and a rather high-pitched scream as Gaap, the 33rd ranked demon in hell, and the 1st on Virgilia's 'people who annoy me the most' list, latched her arms round Virgilia's head in a rather violent 'hug'.
It was a wonder Virgilia wasn't thrown backwards off her chair.
Her hat was, however, knocked straight off her head- and her face was forced into Gaap's rather ample (and rather on show, considering the fashionista demon's love for illogical clothes that hid nothing) bosom.
The cup of marshmallow tea that had been held between Virgilia's fingertips fell to the floor, shattering upon impact.
Scalding tea went everywhere.
And, seconds later, so did Gaap- as Virgilia pushed the curly-haired demon away from her with almost inhuman strength.
"W-what's going on?" Virgilia asked, alarmed. Her hands went for her head- only to find her hat was missing. Somehow, that caused her more panic than having her face pressed up close and personal against Gaap's greatest assets had done. "W-where's my-"
"Let it be known that I have it in my possession," said Gertrude, her voice dull and emotionless as always.
"Gertrude... What brings you HERE?" asked Dlanor, peering over the top of her teacup at her second in command.
"Allow me to speak. There were some complications with a rather unruly demon," said Gertrude. She sounded exhausted. There were even bags under her eyes.
With a small sigh that seemed out of character for her, Gertrude sat down on a chair- a chair Virgilia only just managed to create out of thin air and golden butterflies on time.
"...Thank you," said Gertrude, after a small pause. "Here is your hat, Miss Virgilia."
"Thank you in return," Virgilia replied cordially, bowing her head. She took the hat from Gertrude's hands, and then placed it back on her head.
There.
She felt much better.
Without her hat, Virgilia felt like there was something missing from her; something was incomplete. She might as well have been missing one of her arms or legs, or even part of her soul.
But, with the comforting weight of her hat back upon her head, Virgilia was more than capable of giving Gaap a good scolding.
Virgilia turned her head slowly.
Her eyes weren't half-lidded anymore. Instead, they were wide and alert.
Gaap swallowed nervously.
Virgilia's eyes should NEVER, under any circumstances, open fully.
When they did, bad things happened.
Like apocalyptic bad.
Gaap began to play with the hem of her indecently short skirt (not because she wanted to expose her underwear to Virgilia, Dlanor, Gertrude and the silent, shivering Cornelia, but because she had to keep her fingers occupied somehow or they'd start scratching at her throat in an attempt to commit suicide before Virgilia murdered her).
Gaap began to back away.
She moved very, very slowly.
"Aheheh... H-hey, Lia. N-no hard feelings, huh? Hahaha... I-I totally didn't mean to mess up your tea party, so if you just pretend I was never here I can-"
"GAAP."
"O-oh dear..."
"You have a lot of explaining to do."
a/n: This chapter cuts to a bunch of other characters that don't seem relevant to the plot XD (Or whatever 'plot' this thing has) B-but they are relevant, I swear!
But I'll get back to Ronove and Battler by the end of the next chapter, so no worries :D
This chapter was insanely fun to write, yanno.
So many characters...
I love things with lots of characters :D
And generally I just really love Cornelia XDD
I am totally going to add Gaap/Cornelia to the summary of this fic just so it looks even more wtf to people who haven't read it yet XDD
It's a Battler/Ronove fic with a very light side helping of Gaap/Cornelia- what's weird about that? ~whistles innocently~
edit:
26/10/2011- just reread this chapter, caught a few spelling errors and fiddled around with the word order in one or two places :3
~renahhchen xoxo