That Moment
Chapter 10 – One Step
EPOV
Something didn't feel right. I was lying in bed trying to sleep, but I had this feeling. Something was off. I climbed out of bed and ran my fingers through my hair in frustration. I felt like there was something I was supposed to be doing. What was it? I pulled on a pair of flannel pajama pants and wandered to the hallway. A noise from the next bedroom caught my attention. I opened the door slowly and saw her.
She was sitting in the window seat, looking out into the moonlit darkness. Beauty personified. She was wearing a dark blue lace negligee that hugged her curves and left just enough to the imagination. She had her left foot curled under her body and her right foot was sitting on the window seat. She had her head resting on her knee while her arms were wrapped around her bent leg.
She looked up at me with those chocolate brown eyes of hers. They looked sad. So sad.
"Bella, love, why are you in here all alone?" I crossed the room and sat next to her on the window seat. Although her eyes followed my movements, after I sat down she resumed staring out the window.
"I love it here. If this were my house, I would sit here all the time. It's so beautiful, and peaceful."
I reached over with my hand to move the hair from in front of her eyes, but she shied away before my fingers made contact. I froze. Something was definitely wrong.
"I'm sorry Edward. I thought I could do this, but I can't. I just can't." Her voice was sad but crystal clear.
"Do what, Bella? You thought you could do what?" I was admittedly confused. An ice cold dread started to spread through my veins. She was breaking up with me.
That's not right. We're not even dating. You can't break up with someone that you aren't even dating, right? There was a distinct tightness in my chest that was making it difficult to breath.
"It's a lot of things, really. I thought I could live on my own and take care of Charlie by myself. Hell, Alice sees him more often than I do." She stood and started pacing back and forth across the room. Her hands were wringing together in agitation. "I thought I could handle being alone. The truth is I hate being alone. I want someone that I can talk to in the evenings about my day and someone that I can count on if I'm in trouble. I want someone that I can call if some creep from my class waits for me to walk into a dark parking lot by myself and then follows me halfway home and scares the shit out of me. I want someone to cook for and to go out to the movies with and to sit and watch FOX news and yell at the television with me." She stopped pacing and sat down next to me on the window seat. Her hands found mine and she squeezed them gently. Her next words came out as nothing more than a whisper.
"I thought I could just have sex with you and it wouldn't change anything. I was wrong, Edward. It changed everything, and I can't do it. I can't just be your fuck buddy."
I swallowed thickly. Was she saying what I think she was saying?
"Are you saying you want more? You want to be my girlfriend?" The shock I had experienced earlier was replaced by outright fear. I'd been down this road before. I swore to myself that I wouldn't let it happen again. I couldn't give her the power to rip my heart out and tear it to shreds. I wouldn't be able to live through it again.
"I know that's not what you want, and I understand that. Really, I do. I just can't go halfway anymore. Either we are together or we aren't. I'm leaving the decision up to you." She leaned in and kissed me gently on the lips. Then she stood and walked gracefully to the door.
Time froze in that moment. I knew she was right. Either we are together or we aren't. The latter was not a viable option for me. The thought of never touching her again, never kissing her again, never holding her again, never seeing her again; just the thought of it made my heart hurt.
It was too late. She already had the power.
"Bella! Wait!" I ran after her, grabbed her by the waist and turned her around so I was looking into her eyes again. "I love you Bella. You know that, right? When I look at you I don't see a…a fuck buddy. When I look at you I see forever."
Her mouth slowly curved up into a smile. She threw her arms around my neck and kissed me. It was a deep, passionate kiss that left me gasping for air.
She pulled away unexpectedly, leaving me wanting more. Her head cocked to the side and her eyebrows were furrowed in concentration.
"Did you hear that?" she whispered and took a tentative step towards the door. I listened, but could only hear the sound of my heart beating erratically. "I thought I heard something." Before I could stop her, she took three sure steps and vanished.
"Bella!" I shot straight up in bed. My heart was pounding and I was covered in a cold sweat. I stumbled out of the bedroom and was halfway down the stairs before my mind caught up with my body and I realized she wasn't really here. She hadn't been here at all. It was just a dream.
I sat down on the steps and put my head in my hands. What the fuck was that?
Tuesday morning I woke to the sound of Emmett pounding on my front door. I opened my eyes slowly, blinking them against the light that filtered through the sunroof. My back was killing me. I felt like a damned pretzel. What the fuck! I was curled up in a ball on the staircase landing. It took me a minute or two to remember waking up in a panic in the middle of the night and running halfway down the stairs. I must have fell asleep right where I had sat down. Wonderful. I stumbled the rest of the way down stairs and unlocked the door so Emmett would stop pounding on it. My head was killing me.
"Wow. Rough night?" Em laughed as he pushed past me into the living room. I didn't bother to answer him. I just went in search of aspirin. Note to self: do not sleep on the stairs ever again!
"So how's Bella doing this morning? Better than you, I hope." He watched me from the kitchen doorway as I searched through drawer after drawer for the aspirin bottle.
"What?" My brain was pounding and still half asleep. I knew the question was strange, especially coming from Emmett, but I wasn't exactly sure why.
"You know, Bella? About this tall, brown hair, nice ass."
"I know who she is, Emmett." I rolled my eyes. Like I really needed a description. Her image was permanently burned into my brain. "I haven't talked to her."
I finally found the aspirin and swallowed two of them.
"Was she sleeping when you left or something?"
What the fuck was he talking about? I ran my hand through my hair. It was sticking up in a hundred different directions. I'd have to wash it before I could do anything with it.
"When I left where? Make some sense Emmett."
"You weren't at Bella's house last night?" His eyes narrowed and suddenly I realized just why his line of questioning was so strange. Emmett didn't know about my and Bella's…extracurricular activities. At least, I hadn't told him anything about it. So why was he asking me about her anyway?
"Why would I have been at Bella's house?" My eyes narrowed and I crossed my arms over my chest.
"I know all about it, dude. This is a small town, you know." He rolled his eyes and opened the fridge, rummaging around for whatever he could find. "I see you took the exact opposite of my advice to stay away from her."
"Yeah." I sighed in a defeated tone. His advice had been to stay away so I didn't get my heart broken all over again. "I'm going to take a shower and get dressed. Give me fifteen minutes, okay?"
He laughed at me as I headed upstairs.
The shower felt good. The heat relaxed the kinks in my muscles that I obtained from sleeping on the stairway. Seriously, that had to have been the most uncomfortable sleeping position ever.
I dressed casually, throwing on a pair of jeans and a black long sleeved t-shirt. I had the day off and promised to spend it helping Em with his homework. Then we would be going to Alice and Jasper's house for some kind of party. She had texted me yesterday about it, but the hospital had been insane so I hadn't had a chance to return her text. Come to think of it, I never even checked my phone when I got in last night. I just came home and crashed.
Where is my phone anyway? I checked the charger and it wasn't there. I must have forgotten to even plug it in when I got home. I picked up my pants from last night and found it still in the pocket. It was completely dead. I rolled my eyes at myself and plugged it in. As soon as it powered up, the missed alerts starting chiming.
I had four missed text alerts.
'C is usually asleep by 10:30' – B
'Are you coming over tonight?' – B
'Need to talk. Call me?' – B
'Sorry I keep bothering you. :o( Bad feeling.' – B
Fuck.
There were also three missed calls.
Fuck!
That sense I had that something was wrong…yeah. My blood ran cold in my veins. Something was wrong. She had tried most of the night to get a hold of me and I had let her down. I hit the speed dial button immediately and listened as the phone rang. I willed her to answer, but it went to voicemail.
"Fuck!" I had to refrain from throwing my phone across the room. I took several deep breaths before I was calm enough to send her a text message. Then I rewrote it five times before I hit send.
'You okay?' – E
I wanted to say so much more than that, of course, but first and foremost I had to know she was okay.
BPOV
Have you ever had one of those days? The kind where you're just in a pissy-ass mood and people in general just need to stay the fuck out of your way? That's the kind of day I was having.
I didn't get any sleep last night, well, not much anyway. After I left the college and picked Charlie up from Alice's house, I had this weird feeling. This feeling like someone was following me. I figured I was just being unnecessarily jumpy. That creepy guy from my algebra class had followed me out of the parking lot and most of the way to Alice's house. It got me all paranoid. What if he tried something? There I was, all alone in the house with my nine year old son. Would I be able to defend myself? To protect Charlie?
Every car that passed my house last night had me straining my ears to make sure they hadn't stopped. Every creak in the house, every small sound I heard had me jumping up to investigate. In all the time since I had left Mike I had never felt so very alone.
I had tried to get a hold of Edward all night. It was in vain, though. He never answered the phone. He never returned my messages. Why would he? It's not like he's my boyfriend or anything, right? He didn't have any obligation to come running every time I felt vulnerable. He was probably busy at the hospital. Or he was out with someone else. We certainly hadn't agreed to see each other exclusively. Hell, we hadn't even agreed that we were seeing each other. It was just sex a few times. No big deal.
Yeah, right. No big deal. It's not like it was the most fantastic, heart stopping, toe-curling sex of my life or anything.
It was almost lunchtime. I had spent the morning trying to fix a report that my boss had felt the need to modify. In the process she had broken half my links and created numerous circular references that needed to be corrected. As tired as I was, the numbers on the screen kept running together and I needed to get up and walk around every twenty minutes or so to keep from falling asleep at my desk. I had just sat back down when I realized the missed alerts light on my cell phone was flashing.
'You okay?' – E
I read the message from Edward and my blood immediately started to boil. Now he cares? Last night when I needed him where the hell was he? I stared at my phone for a good five minutes before I flipped it closed and threw it back down on my desk.
I didn't answer the phone when he called ten minutes later. Or when he called ten minutes after that. The third time he tried to call I turned the phone off.
The rest of the day dragged on. I kept picking up my phone and debating with myself whether or not to call him. Finally around two o'clock I turned the phone back on and found ten more missed calls and several text messages from Edward. I bit my lip as I considered that maybe he had suffered enough, so I caved. Just enough to send him a text so he would stop calling my phone every ten minutes.
'I'm just peachy. Don't worry.' – B
It didn't work. He kept calling. I still didn't answer, though. I was at work, after all. If I had answered the phone in the shitty-ass mood I was in, who knows what would have come out of my mouth. When I'm pissy like this I need to just keep my mouth shut. No. This was a conversation that needed to wait until later. Much, much later.
I was so glad when the work day was finally over. At least, I was glad until I remembered that Alice was throwing a party for me tonight. It was to celebrate my divorce being finalized. Wonderful. Now I would have to go 'celebrate' with all my friends the fact that I'm utterly alone in this world. Woo hoo.
I was lost in my pissy, depressing thoughts when I realized there was a police car behind me with the red and blues flashing. Dammit. I pulled over and reached into the glove box for my registration and insurance information. I heard the knock on my window and turned to see none other than Officer Jacob Black standing outside smiling at me.
"Well, if it isn't the beautiful Miss Swan." He greeted me as I rolled the window down. I scowled at him.
"Officer Black." My voice sounded cold even to my ears. I'm sure he picked up on it as well, and yet his smile never faltered.
"You were driving forty eight miles per hour in a thirty five miles per hour zone, and you aren't wearing your seatbelt. That's a hefty fine around here you know." He pulled out his notebook and a pen and held his hand out for my license and registration. When I handed it over he made sure to make contact with my hand. His fingers ran across my skin slowly. I snatched my hand back quickly.
"You know, Bella. I suppose I could forget this ever happened." He smiled even wider and winked at me. On another day I probably would have played along, flirted a little and left without a ticket and a guaranteed raise in my insurance rates.
"I'm having a really bad day, Black. Just write the damn ticket so I can get out of here, okay?" I fought back angry tears and squeezed my hand into a fist. My fingernails were biting into the palm of my hand. Jacob seemed taken aback for a moment. Then he squatted down so that his face was even with my own. His hand rested on my shoulder and I turned to meet his brown eyes that seemed to be filled with nothing but concern.
"You know I was just joking, right? Is everything okay?" I could read it in his eyes. He was so sincere. The tears spilled over without my permission. I wiped them away angrily.
"Fine. Everything is just fine. It's just been one of those days, you know? This is just the icing on the cake." He watched me carefully for what seemed like a long time. I could feel that he wanted to comfort me. The stupid tears were still dripping down my face. Aside from the hand that remained on my shoulder, though, he didn't actually try anything. I was glad. If he had tried to pull me in for a hug or something, I probably would have decked him. What's the fine for assaulting an officer these days?
"You need to get home and get some rest. You look awfully tired. Drive safely." He squeezed my shoulder and gave me one more wink. Then he turned around and left. It took me a long minute before I realized he hadn't written the ticket at all.
I still had tears streaming down my face and my hands were shaking with anger. I had to pull myself together before I went to Alice's house. Everyone would be there in two hours. That didn't give me much time. I called Alice and let her know that I would be running late. Then I started to drive. I wasn't paying attention to where I was going, I just went.
I ended up at the cliffs near La Push Beach. I walked along the trail and stopped at the top of the cliff. A fence had been installed along the edge and as I ran my fingers along the top railing I couldn't help but think back to the last time I had been there.
When I was in high school there was this girl, Cindy. She was kind of plain and not very popular. I know, right? I'm one to talk. But I was an outcast by my own personal preference. She had lived here her whole life and was even lower than me on the social ladder. We had just started our senior year and rumor had it that over the summer she had hooked up with Tyler Crowley. He vehemently denied it, of course. Admitting it would have caused him some serious downward mobility. She confronted him at school and he humiliated her. I always felt so sorry for her. We weren't close because I wasn't close with anyone but Edward, still I felt like we could have been. Anyway, after that she disappeared. They found her car at the top of the cliff and her shoes and a hoodie lying on the ground near the ledge.
She jumped. Ordinarily it was no big deal. Kids jumped from here all the time, they called it cliff-diving. No, it wasn't the fall that killed her. She jumped in the middle of a massive storm and she was never a strong swimmer to begin with. She drowned.
Her body washed up on the beach a week later. Edward and I were there when they found her. We watched in detached horror as they loaded her body onto a stretcher. Trust me; it was not a pretty sight. After that we hiked to the top of the cliffs, to the spot they said she had jumped from. As we stood there looking over the edge the reality of what had happened settled in and I had started to cry. Edward held me as I mourned the loss of a girl I had barely known. I remember thinking to myself, was her life really so bad that she would rather end it all? Could I ever feel so hopeless that I wouldn't want to live another day? At the time I couldn't imagine what that would feel like.
Fifteen years later and I found myself standing on the same cliff, looking over the edge at the same ocean below, asking myself the exact same question. How easy would it be? It would be one step, that's all. I stepped onto the bottom rung of the fence and lifted myself up. I just wanted to see the view below a little better. I leaned over just enough so I could see the water breaking against the rocks below.
I'm thirty three years old. The man I was married to for twelve years cheated on me. My son is a challenge to say the least. I hate my job. I hate living paycheck to paycheck. I hate being responsible for everything. I hate being alone. I hate being miserable. I hate struggling day to day with little to no reward.
I stood there for a long time, staring at the choppy water below, mesmerized by the chaotic patterns that emerged. Rain started to fall softly around me. I heard the drops hitting the ground but I didn't feel them on my skin. I continued to stare over the edge of the cliff. Tears ran quietly down my cheeks as I stood there, watching, waiting, thinking of reasons that I shouldn't take that one step.
I don't know how long I was there. Eventually I heard footsteps crunching on the loose rock behind me.
"Bella?" The voice behind me snapped me out of my trance. It was a mixture of surprise and concern, with just a tad bit of panic mixed in there. My head snapped up to find the source. My foot slipped off the wet wooden fence. My body pitched forward. My stomach hit the top rail of the fence, knocking the wind from my lungs. I felt myself topple headfirst over the fence.