Chapter Ten

Shuichi (POV)

Last night with Yuki was amazing, the date we went on was something we had never done before. I felt like we were a proper couple. When we were in the park, I didn't want to spoil it, but I knew I had to tell him, I had to get it of my chest.

His reaction was more than I could have hoped for, he was comforting. He never used to be like that. It did feel like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders after I had told him, but the guilt was still there, I guess I was hoping for too much when I thought it would have lessened.

I know it will never go away, I will have to live with this guilt for the rest of my life. After bawling into his shirt, we left the park and returned to my apartment.

Spending the night with him again was something I had missed more than anything. When I was sleeping around, it was nothing compared to being with Yuki. When I was with others, it was just about the sex.

But with Yuki, it was more than that, it was being intimate with the one I love. But when I woke up this morning, I knew I still had to go.

While I was dressing, I kept looking at Yuki, still sleeping. It almost got too much, I guess I wanted him to wake up, to talk me out of it. But because he didn't, I took it as a sign that I was supposed to go.

When I was dressed, I put the package for Tohma on the table and lay Yuki's note next to it. Grabbing my ticket, wallet and jacket, I took one last look at the man I loved, then I left.

--

As I sat on the plane, my mind whirled with too many emotions. It's been a long time that I had felt all these emotions. I had learnt to keep them hidden, but now there were pushing against my barrier and fighting for dominance inside me.

I expect it's because I'm on the way to the place I never thought I would have the guts to return too. My heart felt like it was in my throat. I had no idea what I wanted to do when I got there. I know I can't got to Quinn's old apartment, I expect they're will be people living there.

Hopefully, just looking at the outside will be enough. I hope it will be anyway. If not then I know what I will doing, and it's something I don't really want to do. I don't want to put my family and friends through it.

As soon as I arrived at the airport, I by-passed all the crap and left the building. I flagged down a cab and gave the driver my destination. Looking at my watch, I estimate Tohma will be about two, maybe three hours behind me.

Even though I told him not to come after me, I know he will. So will Yuki. I guess I'm kind of counting on them to save me. maybe that's an indication that I don't really want to kill myself. But I know I have to see that place again. for my peace of mind, at least.

When the cab parked, I paid the man and got out. my heart was thundering against my chest as I looked at the block of apartments. Quinn's apartment was the tops one. It looked like whoever loved there was home because the lights were on.

I don't actually know what to do now. I knew I wouldn't be able to go into the apartment, unless I wanted to resort to breaking and entering. Looking across the street, there was an identical apartment building exactly opposite.

Walking to the side of the building, there was a fire escape, so I climbed it. It was a bit rickety, but I continued until I was to the top. I stepped onto the roof, and walked to the edge. If the curtains were open, I would have been able to see the front room.

Settling on the edge, I sit down with my legs dangling over the edge. Once again, I had no idea what I was going to do, or what I wanted to do. Looking down, I debated on whether I had the guts to just jump, I was high enough that I would die on impact. But was that what I really wanted, I wasn't so sure anymore.

Slipping the photograph out of my wallet, I look down at it. I looked so happy then, so naïve. I didn't think anything could hurt me. A lot of thoughts ran through my mind when it happened. I wondered if it would have been able to stop him if I was stronger.

A tear falls from my eye and splashes against my happy, smiling face. I wonder if I'll ever be that happy again. I doubt it very much, Yuki was happy before he killed and look at him now. He is after all a first rate cold-hearted bastard.

But when we went on our date, he did seem more relaxed and the man did laugh. Maybe I will get my laughter back too. But I know it will take a long time, the question is, am I willing to wait that long? That's the answer that I need to find.

--

Looking round, I realise I must have spaced out. I've been sitting here for nearly two hours. I have no idea as to what I was thinking about, probably nothing. Taking out a cigarette, I light it. A tinge of pain from my stomach reminds me I haven't taken my medication, and like a baka I left it at home.

I know Tohma should be here soon, and I have to figure out what I need to do. Do I really want to throw myself off this building and end my life, or do I want to continue living…well trying to live. I think about my parents, my little sister. Hiro, the band, Tohma and Yuki. I smile, I guess I've made up my mind. I can't leave everyone, if I knew none of them loved me then I would happily throw myself to my death, but I can't leave anyone behind to grieve for me.

Sometime I wish Quinn's body had been found, so I could visit his grave, maybe get some closure or some bullshit like that. But I haven't heard anything about his body being found. Maybe I should ask Tohma, if anyone knows, it would be him. But wouldn't he have told me? I guess not, if he was trying to protect me.

Looking at the photograph still in my hands, I rip it into little pieces, letting the pieces fall from my hand. Just like Yuki did, but instead of water, mine fly through the air and land on the road. As I follow one piece, a man stoops down to pick it up.

I look closely and realise it's Tohma. He looks up and we look at each other. A moment later Yuki and K also look up. I guess it's time to go, but I don't feel ready. I watch as Yuki walks towards the side of the building and I wait, knowing he's using the fire escape.

I don't look at Yuki as he sits beside me.

"So, are you going jump?" He asks me.

"Actually…no I'm not."

Yuki looks at me like he doesn't believe me.

"Well, why are you up here?"

"I don't know, I had to come." I point at the building opposite. "That's where it happened."

Yuki remains silent for a moment.

"When I left you six years ago, I went to the place where it happened. I had a gun and I nearly put it to my head and pulled the trigger."

I look at him in shock. A tear fall from my eye, wondering what stopped him. Knowing that if he decided to pull the trigger, he wouldn't be here, sitting next to me.

"What stopped you?"

He sighs, then he turns to look at me. "You did."

"If I stopped you, why didn't you come back?" I ask, cursing myself as my voice cracks. I look away as the tears begin to fall.

"I don't know, I guess I was afraid. But every day was a struggle without you. I missed you so much."

For some reason I was getting angry.

"You can't have missed me that much, because you would have come back." I snapped at him, as I got to my feet and walked away.

As soon as I got to the bottom of the fire escape, I walked over to Tohma. He knew exactly what I wanted. He took me into his arms, and hugged me.

I know I'm being mean to Yuki, but I can't help it. I just need to calm down.

"Are you ready to go now?" Tohma asks.

"I don't know, it feels like I have something else to do." I answer.

Tohma sighs. "Do you want to visit his grave?"

I pull back, my eyes wide.

He looks me in the eyes. "His body was found not long after we returned to Japan. The case is closed, because it looked like a suicide. So if you want to see his grave, you can."

I just nod. I think it's the one last thing I have to do before I can go home.

--

Sitting in the back of the car with Yuki, I feel like an asshole. I shouldn't have snapped at him. I did after leave him, even though it wasn't for six years. I don't blame and I do forgive him. And I want him back in my life. I look at him to find him watching me.

Moving closer to him, his eyes widen, but his arm circles my shoulders.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it." I whisper, snuggling against his chest.

His arm tightens around me. "It's okay. It's not your fault. I know I should have returned, but it was hard. I will make you a promise though, I will never leave you again."

I tip my head up to look at him. Our eyes meet and at the same time, our lips meet for a chaste kiss. Snuggling against him, I sigh. I know it will be hard, but maybe we can work it out.

"Here we are." Tohma says.

I find my heart thumping in my chest as I follow Tohma over to Quinn's headstone. It's just a simple one with his name and he died. I kneel down and wait until I'm alone. I don't know what to do now.

Taking a deep breath. "So…" Don't know why I'm talking to a headstone, but I guess I have too, it's not like I can speak to him in person. "I hope you realise how much I hate you. I'm sorry I killed you, but I'm not sorry your gone."

I take a shuddering breath and let the tears fall.

"Sometimes, I wish I could talk to you, ask you why you did that to me. Was it really worth it? You were supposed to be my friend and you betrayed me. I hate you."

Wrapping my hands around my shoulders, I continue to cry. I hear someone walking towards me and I hope it's Yuki. Arms go around, it is Yuki. I can tell by his scent. I lean back against him, and cry.

I don't know how long we stayed like this for, but I ran out of tears and my eyes were sore and puffy. Taking a deep breath.

"I'm ready to go home now." I say softly.

Yuki gets to his feet, and holds out his hand. Taking it, he pulls me to my feet and we start walking towards the car. I stop and take one last look, then continue walking.

--

An hour later as were in Tohma's jet, I did feel as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I know I didn't feel better, but it was a start. I look down at Yuki's and my hands intertwined together in his lap.

As long as I have him and my friends, I should be all right. Well…I hope I'll be all right. Looking out the window, I say a silent goodbye as the jet flies through the air. I now know that if we have a tour in America in the future, I will be able to go without feeling like I want to kill myself.

I guess I've made peace with what happened, and not all I have to do it look forward to the future. It sounds easy, doesn't it?